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Saga "Jedi Don't Let Jedi Drive Their Sleek, Sexy Starfighters Drunk" (Humour, Obi-Wan)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by solojones, Jul 18, 2003.

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  1. solojones

    solojones Chosen One star 9

    Sep 27, 2000
    This little fic explores Obi-Wan's penchant for drinking, and how he ended up marooned on Tatooine all those years. Thanks to my buddy Terr_Mys for the pretty much unrelated title :)


    We open on Courscant, camera hovering above the city as speeders zoom by in all directions. The camera swoops down, down, down- past semi-respectable eating establishments, and lower. Finally, in the depths of the city, we fly in the doors of an extremely trashy looking bar. There are very few patrons, and all of them look very seedy. Some are passed out at their tables. We fly by the entrance and around a corner to the darkest recess of the bar.

    Sitting at one of the stools is an extremely disheveled man in a dirty brown robe. His head is down on the counter, his unwashed shaggy brown hair the only thing visible of his head, which is mostly buried in his arm.

    BARTENDER: (tapping the man on the shoulder) Hey, buddy.

    There is no response.

    BARTENDER: (grumbling) Lousy parasites, always passing out before they pay. (louder) Hey, buddy!

    The drunken man stirs slightly. Slowly, he looks up through bloodshot eyes at the bartender. We see that it is OBI-WAN KENOBI, Jedi Knight, 38 years old.

    BARTENDER: You gonna pay for that last round?

    OBI-WAN: (speech slurred and slow) Ohhhh sure.

    He reaches through the folds of his robe, fumbling to find the pouch on his belt that contains his credits. It takes him a considerable amount of time, and the BARTENDER rolls his eyes.

    OBI-WAN: (setting a handful of credits on the table) Here, here you are? that?s for the last and? (soft hiccup) ? and another.

    BARTENDER: Hey, no way, pal. You have any more and you?re going to be out cold. I won?t have bums passing out all over my place. Now scram.

    He shoves half the credits back toward OBI-WAN, who stares at them quizzically for a moment.

    OBI-WAN: (irritated) Look here now? that?s not fair. I?m a man? of my word.

    OBI-WAN leans forward as he says this, patting the BARTENDER on the arm to reassure him. The BARTENDER sneers and pulls away, repulsed.

    BARTENDER: Right, and I?m a Jedi.

    OBI-WAN: Ha!
    The BARTENDER flinches at the smell of OBI-WAN?s alcohol-saturated breath.

    OBI-WAN: Funny you should mention it? I, sir, aaam a Jedi.

    BARTENDER: (cleaning up glasses) Uh-huh.

    OBI-WAN: Yes, a Jedi? (tracing some invisible picture on the counter) ? or at least I was?.buuut now, I can?t be sure.

    The BARTENDER makes non-committal grunting noises, ignoring OBI-WAN?s ramblings as he cleans up some more.

    OBI-WAN: You see, my Anawan Padakin? Padawan Anakin?. Well, he seemed promising but now. Ohhh! Now he?s gone over to be a Sith. (pounds fist on the counter) Can you believe that? ? a Sith? of all things? I?d have been fine with maaaybe something like a floor mat weaver, but a SITH?! ?alllll my fault, too?

    OBI-WAN bangs his head on the counter a few times, then begins to try to drink from his empty glass, scrounging for one last drop. The BARTENDER slowly takes the glass away from him.

    OBI-WAN: (angry) Hey! I was drinking that!

    BARTENDER: Enough with it, now get out of here before I have to throw you out!

    The BARTENDER walks around to the other side of the counter and stands menacingly over OBI-WAN, who looks up at him appraisingly, then laughs.

    BARTENDER: (growling) You trying to get yourself killed?

    OBI-WAN: (half-laughing) Oh no! It?s just? just the notion of it? I have to laugh.

    The BARTENDER obviously doesn?t see anything funny. He draws back his right arm, and punches OBI-WAN, sending him falling off his stool onto the ground. For a moment, he just sits there. Then, he begins to laugh again. The BARTENDER snarls and reaches down, grabbing OBI-WAN by the collar of his robe, lifting him up, and pushing him roughly across the room into a wall. He then takes a few menacing steps toward OBI-WAN, when finally, the Jedi has enough presence of mind to ignite his lightsabre. In one not-so graceful movement, he cuts of
  2. Terr_Mys

    Terr_Mys Jedi Grand Master star 6

    May 19, 2002
    I must say it gets funnier every time I read it. [face_laugh]

    Anyhow, the image of a drunk Obi-Wan is just so well-portrayed I can't help but laugh at the thought of him doing and saying those things. And, as usual, he just can't leave a bar without cutting off somebody's arm. ;)

    The dialogue with Yoda is great. Definitely got the Yoda-speak down, and it's funny to hear him scorning Obi-Wan. He seems like such a noble man! :p

    The best part is the AA meeting, though. "...a strange frog-like creature who is nodding off in his chair," [face_laugh] boy that cracks me up everytime. And a nice little tie-in to the original inspiration (in addition to my fabulous title ;)), "My name is Ben Kenobi...and I'm an alcholic."

    Good work sj. :D
  3. Posh_British_Jedi

    Posh_British_Jedi Jedi Youngling star 2

    May 7, 2003

    Oh my god, I can so easily picture Ewan McGregor doing this.

    GROUP: (monotone, in unison) Hi Obi-Wan. - I almost soiled myself reading this.

  4. obi_ew

    obi_ew Jedi Master star 5

    Apr 14, 2002
    I have to admit that the title drew me in here and I'm glad it did. [face_laugh] Too funny!
  5. solojones

    solojones Chosen One star 9

    Sep 27, 2000
    :D I'm glad you guys liked it. I must say, I had an absolutely great time writing this. I could imaging Ewan acting out those scenes, too. ;)

    [hl=firebrick]-sj loves kevin spacey[/hl]
  6. DarthSmurf

    DarthSmurf Jedi Master star 5

    May 10, 2003
    The best line has got to be "My name is Ben Kenobi? and I?m an alcoholic." [face_laugh] Great stuff!
  7. Calandria

    Calandria Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jul 12, 2003
    Did we all always think that Obi-wan, huh excuse me, that Ben was such a nice straight forward guy? Nope, it turns out he lied to us all this time. What a sorry, pathetic exuse of a Jedi Knight (At leas we know that 20 some odd years of therapy have made him sober again...)

  8. solojones

    solojones Chosen One star 9

    Sep 27, 2000
    But c'mon, everytime the guy goes near a bar he starts drinking and cutting people's arms off. It's so obvious. ;)

    [hl=firebrick]-sj loves kevin spacey[/hl]
  9. J_Girl

    J_Girl Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Feb 18, 2001
    The funny title brought me in here and the good writing and silliness kept me reading all the way through.

    Anawan Padakin

    ROTFL!OK, see, now I'm gonna be calling him that for years and years. :D

  10. solojones

    solojones Chosen One star 9

    Sep 27, 2000
    Haha, Anawan Padakin... I seriously don't know where I came up with most this stuff. I decided that's my nickname for Ani now too ;)

    I am truly really grateful that you guys liked it so much and took the time to review it! That means so much to me, you have no idea.

    [hl=firebrick]-sj loves kevin spacey[/hl]
  11. C3SoloP0

    C3SoloP0 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Dec 10, 2002
    Obi's an alcoholic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


    That is too cute.......
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