Jedi Dreams-please critique my first fan fiction

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction Stories--Classic JC Board (Reply-Only)' started by Alli-Wan, Jan 2, 2000.

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  1. Alli-Wan Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Dec 21, 1999
    star 3
    Dear other Star Wars Fans,

    Have been enjoying many of your writings over the past 2 weeks of vacation. I now lay at your feet my first fan fiction attempt. Please critique, comment, let me know where I have gone awry. (I'm still a newbie, so I apologise in advance when my work conflicts with what has been written). I just hope this kind of story hasn't been hopelessly overdone. If so, oops. Correct me anyway. In the meantime, I'll try to come up with a better title.

    --Alli-Wan
    Jedi Dreams

    "Twing-twing-twing-twing-twing. Twing-twing-twing-twing-twing." The brave Jedi's lightsabre whipped through the air, driving back all his enemies. "Twing-twing-twing-twang-twing!" Another space pirate stepped forward grinning, thinking the Jedi did not see the one about to pounce on his back. But the mighty Jedi saw him, oh yes. "Twing-Twang-TWANG." Instead of attacking the fool in front, he jabbed at the dark green Rodian pirate behind him (without the slightest backward glance). The Rodian dodged, but the his foolish friend was not so lucky. "Twing-twang-TWING!!" With lightning fast speed, amazing technique, pure poetry in mushroom (or something like that), the Jedi brought his lightsabre forward, slicing the pirate's blaster in half before his trigger finger had moved more than a wamp's hair. Knocking the Wookie (yes, this pirate was quite clearly a Wookie) aside, he ran on down the hall, fearless and brave. Alarm sirens rang throughout the ship, but the Jedi knight, no master, no, . . definitely knight, Axin Muse paid it no heed. Suddenly he found himself in the mess hall, . . and there she was. The Queen he had come all the way to the Outer Rim to save. The hopelessly fair, and wonderous. The pirates had taken away her fine clothes and jewels, but she was still the prettiest woman in the world.

    "QUEEN BAUBLE!! I am Axin Muse, JEDI KNIGHT! I'm here to save you from the dreaded space pirates!"

    "Oh thank you, oh mighty Jedi! But first please take these kitchen scraps out to the recycler."


    A jedi's chores were never done. Axin, the mighty Jedi, sighed. "Yes Mom."
  2. Jedi Obi-Wan Kenobi Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Jul 14, 1999
    star 2
    Cute I wonder where this is going
  3. Alli-Wan Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Dec 21, 1999
    star 3
    Oh my! A response from you JOWK! I am honored. (Now please post on your thread so we can ALL regain our sanity!)

    Thanks for the encouragement, but even I'm not sure where this is going. Oh well.

    ***********************************************************************

    "HHHHiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiSSSSSSSSS" The mighty Jedi Axin Muse powered down his lightsabre, and picked up Queen Bauble's, . . . kitchen scraps. No, there really was no other way to describe them. He would just have to do his chores and save her from the dastardly pirates later. He ran out to the recycler, wondering if he could find anyone who needed saving along the way. After all, the recycler was all the way on the corner, four whole houses away! Who knows what could be lurking amongst the flowering trees and groundcars?

    Axin's ethusiasm was soon rewarded. Someone was hiding in the brael bushes in the house next door. Slowly, Axin put the kitchen scraps down, and crept toward the bush. Mumbling noises came from an unseen place quite near the ground, and the bush frequently wiggled, as if the person hiding inside were fidgeting. "Small wonder," thought Axin. "Brael bush leaves are more ticklish than quoola feathers." But there was no laughter coming from beneath the bush. Once or twice, Axin thought he heard a swear. The person hiding must have incredible control! But why were they hiding? Why were they swearing? Could they be, . . what was it, . . a Sip? That wasn't right, but Axin knew what he meant. Like in olden times, a dark Sip.

    Axin got closer. He gulped in fear. But no, he was a Jedi, a JEDI! No fear!

    "IDENTIFY YOURSELF!"

    "What the-" asked the bush. Suddenly, a giant figure erupted from the bush in a spray of fine brael leaves. It had no face. It had no skin. It towered over Axin, blocking out the sun.

    "AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" Axin Muse, mighty Jedi, fell backwards on his rump, frozen in terror. The figure's head seemed to turn down toward him, though it was hard to tell. There wasn't even a nose. Suddenly, the figure reached up and yanked at its neck, as if to pull its own head off. Oh no! It WAS pulling off its own head. Somewhere, in the back of his head, Axin wondered if perhaps this would save him on lightsabre batteries. But, it didn't fall over, . .it, . . it had another head. It was, . . was, . . .

    "Mr. Gantos, amateur tree surgeon. Hello Axin. Out on a quest for space pirates again?"

    "Yes, sir. I thought you were an enemy, hiding in your bushes like that."

    "Only to the wamps Axin. They keep chewing the bael bush roots." The middle-aged man held up a few noticeably gnawed sprigs. "Didn't they teach you some sort of Jedi mind trick at that Temple to convince wamps that weeds are tastier than my prized bael bushes?"

    "No sir," said Axin, remembering the kitchen scraps. He had nearly fell into them. Yuck! Thank the Force he didn't! There were old VEGETABLES in there! "I have mission to perform," he continued. "But I will meditate on this for you."

    "Thank you Axin," smiled Ield Gantos as Axin headed on toward the recycler.
  4. padawan lunetta Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    May 15, 1999
    star 6
    This is cute! Kind of reminds me of some of my crazy dreams!
  5. Alli-Wan Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Dec 21, 1999
    star 3
    Here is some more. Then I must sleep. However, I have more of an idea where this is going now. There WILL be a plot. Please, more comments!

    ***********************************************************************

    Sigh. Wamps. He tried so hard, and the only enemy out there was WAMPS! Oh well, he supposed even fighting wamps was important to someone. Axin guessed Mr. Gantos was an important enough person. He even saw a Jedi once! And not on a news holo!

    Axin couldn't remember a time when he didn't want to be a Jedi. Of course, he also couldn't remember what he'd had for breakfast yesterday, but part of it was surely somewhere at the bottom of the recycler. It only actually processed once a week. Double yuck! He didn't want to think about the vile smells which would emerge when he opened the lid. Who knows what lived in there? He had heard that monsters lived in the trash compactors of the largest starships, but that was only an old pilot's tale. Nobody over the age of six really believed that! Tentacles and eyes like peri-, . .periscopes. (That's the word). Oh, please! He was seven years old for Force's sake. Monsters, bah! Still, the recycler tended to make funny noises, . . and smelled like wamp droppings. However,it did keep the kitchen, err, mess hall from smelling like that too.

    He had arrived. Axin opened the lid, and holding his breath, peered inside. Jedi could hold their breath for an extraordinarily long time. Didn't seem to be anything alive in there, other than insects. Leaning as far away as possible, he took a quick breath and picked up the scrap box. But just as he was poised to dump in the scraps--

    CREEE-AAAK!

    Startled by the settling of the dark and mysterious machine, Axin dropped the box. Down into the machine. Into the scraps. Where the monster lived.

    "Oh no."

    ********comments?

  6. howlrunner22 Moderator Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Oct 24, 1998
    star 5
    Nice new concept. And that you don't see everyday. Good work.
  7. Hiroko01 Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Dec 14, 1998
    star 3
    Coolness! Is this the sort of thing that goes through my little brother's head when he's running around the house making exploding noises?
  8. howlrunner22 Moderator Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Oct 24, 1998
    star 5
    No.... Thats what I do.
  9. Padawan Chiaru. Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Dec 28, 1999
    star 1
  10. Alli-Wan Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Dec 21, 1999
    star 3
    I'm so glad there has been a positive response to my little tale. (Axin would be thrilled.) Please keep up the comments.

    Desperately, Axin looked up and down the street, hoping to find someone as brave as he, (but with longer arms). He could just make out the brass hinges on the kitchen scrap box in the dim below, and by Force, they were just too far away for him to grab. His eyes scanned the ground. There were some twigs, but no sticks long enough to even scrape the box. Queen Bauble was going to KILL him!

    "But I am Jedi! I can save this box!:" he exclaimed. "But what would a Jedi do?" he thought. What would a Jedi do? It hit him like a runaway gweldebeast. USE THE FORCE! Mr. Gantos said the Jedi can use the Force to move objects. Why not a box in the trash compactor. But how to do it?

    Axin knelt down like his grandmother Eelsa when she was meditating, (although privately, Axin thought she was just trying to escape answering his endless questions). He closed his eyes and concentrated. His face scrunched up. He saw a flash of bright green in the dark. Was that it? Was that the Force? He opened his eyes. The box was, . . . nowhere. Wait, no, . . . it was still in the recycler, where it had been before. Sigh.

    Maybe he had to try this with his eyes open. He tried staring intently at the place he would like the box to appear in. Nothing. He tried staring intently at the box. Nothing. He tried doing both in succession; maybe he was supposed to lead the box. Nothing. He tried reversing the order, staring at the box, then at the ground. Still, nothing. He tried staring with his eyes closed. He tried it while rapidly blinking, just to be on the safe side. Something! Was the box moving? He was feeling something. No, he just made himself dizzy; he was the one moving.

    Axin sat down on the metal steps of the recycler, now growing cold. Dusk was coming. He had to get the box soon. The recycler always worked at exactly midnight, but he didn't know on which day. MAYBE TONIGHT! Besides, if he didn't get the box out soon, it would be hopelessly buried! He might have to dig through the garbage! Where the monster was! Axin looked around again, in greater desperation. Soon it would be dark. Maybe the monster only came out at night. Maybe it would eat Queen Bauble's kitchen scrap box! Maybe it would eat HIM! He saw no one. Even Mr. Gantos had gone back inside. If he were here, Axin would be able to ask more about moving objects, but if he left the recycler, the monster might eat the box while he was gone, or WORSE, someone might bury it in more trash! MORE VEGETABLES! Yuck!

    "I'll just have to get tough." Axin thought. Carefully, Axin balanced his waist against the rim of the recycler and leaned into the mulching maw. The smell was scarcely bearable, but by now he had been here awhile. His foot twitched and banged the outside of the machine, causing a loud bang and a small cloud of insects to rise. "Eeeewwwwww." He was going to get his green Jedi robe very dirty! He didn't have a brown one, but like his last one, this one was getting there fast. No wonder Jedi robes were brown; adventuring was a dirty business.

    It was no use. He simply wasn't long enough. And the recycler just wasn't full enough, though it smelled enough. Axin pulled his slightly slimy frame out and sat on the steps, stricken. "Now what am I going to do?" Even if he had the lightsabre he had made, he knew the green and blue blade would not be powerful enough to cut through the heavily shielded recycler.

    No. No use at all. Axin tried not to cry. But then-

    "Pardon me," said a voice with a hint of an accent.
  11. Alli-Wan Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Dec 21, 1999
    star 3
    Sigh. No comments. That's okay. I understand many of you may have had to return to your real jobs, or are hung over from Y2K. Or you may be reading everything else. My brain churns on. Here is the next installment.

    ***********************************************************************

    Four houses away, Tebla Muse wondered what was taking her little Jedi knight so long. Not that this was unusual. He always found at least three death-defying adventures before bedtime, and it was just barely time for the evening meal. Let's see, first he had dueled with an evil Sip before lunch (what was a Sip anyway?), then he was rescuing her from space pirates while she had been cooking. Yes, he was about due for some sort of insidious plot to unravel, or a daring rescue to perform. At least it got him to do his chores, even if he did get himself into mischief sometimes. Tebla decided to give him another five minutes before sending out the search parties.

    Tebla walked down the hall and into the sitting room. Axin's battle with the space pirates was still very much in evidence. A large houseplant near the hall door had a fresh hole gouged in the soil, (the Rodian perhaps, thought Tebla) and Kashbacca, their old grilge hound lay sleeping on the rug, still wearing the old landspeeder goggles Axin had fastened to his face. Axin had been only four, but had insisted the stray he had brought home was a young Wookie, and thus should be named appropriately. The name stuck, but Tebla hoped and prayed that should Axin and Kashbacca ever meet a real Wookie, the giant would have an equally large sense of humor.

    After freeing the family pet from the goggles and attending the plant, Tebla returned to the kitchen to check on the stew. She heard the bus rumble on the far corner; sunset had come to the small farming community. Soon her husband would be home. Hopefully he would find Axin on the way. She shook her head. "Axin, such an imagination." Other little boys changed their intended careers every five minutes. Not Axin. He had wanted to be a Jedi knight before he could say lightsabre. Always reaching for the stars. No one really had the heart to tell him he was too old and his midi-chlorian count had been normal. And he was too determined to be bothered by such trifles anyway.

    Looking out the large dining nook windows, Tebla caught sight of her neighbor, Zelle. Zelle and Ield Gantos had lived as her neighbors for eight years; they were still the new folks in the neighborhood. Ield wasn't a farmer like most of her neighbors; he was some sort of researcher. He had some job in the government, helping to grow better, more efficient crops. Tebla snorted slightly, "yet he spent all day trying to get rid of a few wamps." He may be a fine researcher, but he was no farmer. Still, he was such a kind friend to Axin. So few people had been to other worlds out here in this farming community, and those who had been offworld had never even gotten out of the solar system, only going far enough to vacation on a moon resort, or study on the prime world. It was Ield who had first told little Axin about Jedi; he had once met one before he had moved next door. Axin had absorbed it all like a sponge.

    Now Zelle, she was the mysterious one. She always seemed a shy, and a little afraid of her neighbors. Some of the neighbors used to wonder if perhaps Ield was cruel to her, but over the years, Tebla noticed that Zelle was nervous when she was away from Ield, not when she was near him. Besides, if Ield were doing something to his wife, Tebla would hear about it. The walls weren't that thick. The yards weren't that wide. Tebla actually suspected Zelle was just agoraphobic. She rarely went outside alone. Awaking from her internal monologue, Tebla suddenly realized she was looking through the windows, right at Zelle. Zelle smiled nervously, then continued to set her own table. She was setting four places. "Who does she have coming to visit?" thought Tebla. Visitors had always seemed to make Zelle nervous too. It had taken
  12. Alli-Wan Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Dec 21, 1999
    star 3
    All alone. No comments.
    Or maybe I'm just posting too frequently.
    The story seems to have developed some intrigue, and such, but never fear, Axin's point of view will return soon.

    **********************************************************************

    Abruptly, Axin looked up, wiping his nose. He hadn't been actually crying, but he was close. There was an older boy standing at the side of the road, dressed in light clothes and a dark robe; Axin couldn't tell the colors in the increasing dim. He seemed on the point of asking a question, but stopped, and looked at Axin instead. Axin tried to look brave. He was not a crybaby. The stranger was older than he was, but not nearly an adult. Old enough to be out of primer school. He could probably do long division. And he definitely had longer arms than Axin.

    "Are you alright?" asked the stranger. "I was going to ask you where I am, but, . . . Are you lost? It's getting late." The stranger gestured toward the sunset.

    "No." Axin stood a little straighter. "I know exactly where I am." His mother had warned him about talking to strangers, but strangers were big and scary adults, like space pirates. Besides, he could run faster than this lost, skinny teenager.

    The stranger carefully looked him over. Axin realized he must have been actually crying (a little bit), and it was now showing on his face. After looking over his shoulder, the stranger opened his mouth to speak, then stopped. He looked as if he there were something else he should be doing, but was reluctant to leave Axin unsupervised and upset. He tried again.

    "You know where you are. Do you know where you are supposed to be?"

    "Yes," said Axin. "I know." Axin remembered the stranger's question. And he had long arms! Axin needed his long arms! "Do you know where you are?" he asked the stranger. The stranger shrugged slightly.

    "I know where I am, and I know who I'm supposed to find. I just don't know where he lives, precisely. He lives somewhere around here. Do you know this place well?" He looked surprised as Axin broke out into a grin.

    "I know this place very well," Axin crossed his arms and set his chin. "But I need your help before I can give you mine." The stranger frowned slightly, but not in a mean way.

    "What aid do you need?" he asked. Obviously, Axin was not lost. Axin sighed.

    "Don't laugh. I need your arms." Axin nodded at the recycler vaguely.

    "My arms? What do you- . . oh." the stranger grimaced as caught Axin's meaning.

    "It fell in," Axin explained. "And I can't get it out." The stranger nodded slightly as he walked across the grass, taking off his long robe.

    ***********************************************************************

    The first evening star peeked into existence and with it a twinge of worry. Axin was often late, but he was always home by dark. The once imperiled stew was now in danger of growing cold. Her husband, Putbil, had already arrived home, and was nearly done washing up, but Axin had still not come home. Usually he was home with the sun, eager to recount the day's adventures to his father. Where was her little boy, and why was there no chatter of space pirates? Tebla would never tell a soul, but she knew her little boy was still scared to be out alone after dusk. Believing one could slay monsters necessitated in believing in said monsters. Where would Axin go? Tebla remembered Ield had been fighting the wamps all day. He likely wouldn't have noticed Axin with that mask on, but perhaps Axin had stopped to talk. Probably asking about Jedi again. Or space pirates. Or starships, or Coruscant, or a thousand other things not seen on this world, but on others. Maybe there would be some clue as to where Axin ran off to.

    Tebla picked up her shawl and with a brief word to Putbil, crossed to the Gantos' door. She rang the brass bell, and from the sound of it, Ield and Zelle practically raced each other to the door. "They are anxious," thought Tebla. "The in-laws for sure," she mumbled under her breath. "Sor
  13. howlrunner22 Moderator Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Oct 24, 1998
    star 5
    Quit your moaning and your groaning. This is a good concept and I value concept in fan-fiction these days equally or sometimes more than a good storyline after reading a year of fan-fic on this board. And I'm not saying that the story is bad either. Exciting, brand new concepts are what this board needs, but at current, this forum is swept in prequel fever and you can't hardly find a good classic trilogy fan-fic except those started by dedicated groups (Forces of Deception writing team, one of the most talented I have seen). So don't despair. So what if you don't have Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon Jinn, you can write and weave words with your keyboard. Don't let this concept go to moot as I have for some pioneering fan-fics in the past (okay, so I was just lazy.).

    And as for you, I will be watching this thread and your writings very carefully. It pays to have creaitivity even though the comments they attract come from old ramblers rather than the TPM bunch. Keep up the good work!

    MTFBWY
  14. Alli-Wan Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Dec 21, 1999
    star 3
    I apologise for my impatience. It's hard to fuel the inspiration when no one in the family likes Star Wars and keeps wanting to check there e-mail. I'm sorry.

    Thank you very much for the feedback. It's nice to know I'm not writing to the great internet void.

    More for know. Still working on improving the title.

    ***********************************************************************

    "Some Jedi I am," thought Axin. The stranger didn't seem afraid of the monster at all. Maybe he didn't know it was there. He hadn't been alarmed when Axin told him what had happened, just a little, . . well, . . disgusted. Axin couldn't blame him. Now that he had returned to the recycler, the smell was as strong as ever. "Can you see it?" Axin asked.

    "Not yet." The stranger squinted into the collecting vat. After a few moments he shrugged and pulled a small light from his belt, then used it to scan the trashpile.

    "Is that it? Down to the left?" Axin climbed the steps and peered inside, hoping the stranger wouldn't push him in. After all, Axin realized, the stranger didn't seem terribly worried about not knowing where he was supposed to be. He wasn't even sniffly. "Why did I have to cry?" thought Axin.

    "Yes. That's it." He watched in dismay as the stranger extended the light toward the box, illuminating the whole area. His arm wasn't going to be long enough either.

    "If only I had my trusty lightsabre," Axin lamented. "Then maybe I could cut through the side of the recycler and get the box out." The stranger suddenly pulled his arm out of the vat and turned to look at him curiously. "But the recycler is probably shielded from such attacks."

    "Your lightsabre?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

    "Yes," replied Axin, a bit flustered. "Someday, when I grow up, I'm going to be a Jedi knight." The stranger looked him up and down, and then for a second, seemed to look at nothing, forgetting him completely. Axin was about to say something when the older boy looked back at him with a mischievous, (or, if Axin had known the word, even a conspiring) smile.

    "Me too," he grinned. "Someday. But I don't think the lightsabre will be necessary." The stranger started to turn back to the vat, but suddenly stopped, listening. "Someone is coming." He looked down the street. Axin turned. There was a tall man, carrying something. A package? A blaster? A thermal detonator?

    "AXIN? AXIN? Is that YOU?" The man called out. The stranger forgotten, Axin ran down the steps.

    "Mr. Gantos! Mr. Gantos!" Axin ran up to the tall man, jumping up and down excitedly. "How long are your arms?" Axin proceeded to tell Ield the entire epic of the lost (but not forsaken) kitchen scrap box. The stranger had been listening intently since Mr. Gantos spoke, but smiled again and snorted a little when Axin told of his efforts to save the box with the Force. By this time, Mr. Gantos had reached the vat opening and peered inside, guided by the stranger's light. The collecting vat was barely full at all. It was now clearly hopeless. Mr. Ganto's arms weren't long enough either. Not even Mr. Ganto's legs would be quite enough.

    "I'm sorry Axin. I think it's gone for good." Tears welled up in Axin's eyes. "We'll get your mother a new one. It will be alright." He started to lead Axin away, but turned to the older boy. "Thank you for trying to help our little Jedi here." Ield nodded toward Axin. "Do you need a ride home?"

    "He needs my help," Axin said quietly. "Even though he couldn't help me. It was just impossible." Axin looked up at the stranger sadly. "What do you need to know?"

    But a strange glint had come into the stranger's eye. He smiled his conspiring smile again, but this time at Mr. Gantos. "All things are possible with the Force. Maybe I can stretch." With that, the stranger turned back to the vat and reached his whole arm in. He leaned against the recycler wall and took a deep breath. Slowly he let it out, relaxing his facial muscles and closing his eyes. Ield looked at him curiously. Slowly, t
  15. Jedi Obi-Wan Kenobi Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Jul 14, 1999
    star 2
    Obi-Wan or no Obi-Wan, this is cool! What a neat little kid
  16. Bastet Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Dec 30, 1999
    star 4
    I like this story too. Even before young Obi-Wan showed up, which is good since he's not the main character. I like it 'cause Axin reminds me of my nephews, they're 5 and 6 and are big Star Wars fans, like their Papa and their dear old Auntie.
  17. Alli-Wan Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Dec 21, 1999
    star 3
    Thank you all for the comments. I'm glad you like Axin. I find I'm sort of modeling him on my 7 year old cousin- a bit hyper with a non-stop imagination. Not much to post now, but here's a bit more.

    **********************************************************************

    "Some Jedi I am" thought Obi-Wan. "I spend two hours looking up and down the streets, trying to find Dr. Gantos' house through the Force, and I find him by sticking my arm in a garbage recycler. Why did I do this again?" Obi-Wan looked at his hand, still grimy (was that egg?) and mentally sighed. He turned to Ield.

    "You'll probably want to use the washroom." Ield led him down the hall. Bright light and Zelle's potpourri greeted him as he entered. He looked in the mirror over the basin. (What was that? Some sort of sediment? Or condiment?) Shaking his head, Obi-Wan turned on the water, as hot as it would go. Scrubbing commenced.

    ***********************************************************************

    Tebla and Zelle came up from the spirits cellar when they heard Ield and Axin come in. They soon found them in the kitchen; Ield had placed Axin on the counter to be cleaned. Zelle had a bottle of brael berry wine. Tebla had tears in her eyes. Worry had unraveled her composure when Ield left, and Zelle's natural anxiety had only heightened her fears. She hugged her son in relief.

    "Mom! Don't cry. I saved your kitchen scrap box from the recycler monster!" Axin proudly held the now clean box aloft. Zelle silently pulled out a clean rag and began to clean Axin's hands, the only part of him free from his mother's grasp. "Tebla will notice the mess later," Zelle thought. "At least part of him is clean." Tebla released her slightly less grimy little boy.

    "Oh, Sweet-one." Axin winced at the pet name. "It's not the box I was worried about. It was you. You know not to stay out past dark. It's dangerous out there!"

    Danger? What danger could be out there that a Jedi couldn't face?

    "There wasn't anything dangerous Mom. Just the monster, and we never even saw him! Not even with the light!" Axin looked ready to launch on another epic retelling, but just then Tebla remembered what the wine was for. Company was coming. She quickly thanked Ield and hurried Axin to the door. Axin was saying something about thanking someone named O-Bee-Wun for him, but she was too busy trying to get home with still tear-blurred eyes to really listen. She was just thankful to have her son back safe.

    As she left, Ield recommenced his watch at the window.
  18. Jedi-Green8 Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Nov 14, 1999
    nice stuff!


    I'll critique it better if ya want later...but only if you check out my story! it's called "the Hunters Game: an interactive tale"

    please check it out and post on it... it's all about the Bounty Hunters....

    -Jedi Green8, patron to all kinds of scum and villany (but only the smooth talkin' kinds)
  19. Jaya Solo Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jul 12, 1999
    star 5
    Cute story. I'll read it and try to post as often as I can.
  20. OJSithLord Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Dec 14, 1999
    star 4
    muy bien; incidentally i think Anakin in TPM might have been modeled after somebody's hyper, 7 yr old cousin ( actually it was probably me though I'm not blonde and my mom wasn't knocked up by midichlorians).
  21. Alli-Wan Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Dec 21, 1999
    star 3
    Thanks for the comments! Good thing those pesky midi-chlorians usually behave. I don't think the universe could take another Anakin, or another Axin, with my cousin around.

    ***********************************************************************

    Axin quickly ate his stew and went to his room. Somehow he had still managed to be hungry after spending the past hour and a half with his head in a garbage bin. There had been no food items left to scrape into the scrap box. Besides, Axin didn't want to see that THING again for quite awhile.

    His mother would most certainly make him take a bath soon. She had been too preoccupied with his return to notice, but that wouldn't last long. They had been through this before. He couldn't win that battle, but what else could he do? He could protect his home from evil, but what evil was out there? He knew everybody in the neighborhood, and most were all pretty nice, except for old Widow Nellis, but she wasn't evil. She just smelled funny-- Wait! There was that Obee-one and his master. He didn't know them! Who was this Master-person anyway? Why was he the master? They probably weren't evil anyway. Obee-one had said he was going to grow up to be a Jedi too and Jedi weren't evil. Maybe they could fight evil together. Obee-one was older, so he probably knew more space pirate and Sip-dueling games than Axin did. But he hadn't bothered trying to use his lightsabre. He probably didn't have one. Axin picked up the blue and green painted vegetable stake his mother had put on his bed. No, his lightsabre had not been damaged in his fight with the space pirates. He waved it around experimentally.

    "Twing-twing-twing." It still worked. He wrapped another layer of garden tape around the handle end and pondered what to do. Obee-one had said he was going to be a Jedi, but what about the Master-person? No, he'd better make sure they were really not evil. Besides, Mrs. Gantos had been acting really weird. He understood why his mother had been scared; she was always a little like that when he got into a, . . mess, and got home late. No, something was definitely wrong with Mrs. Gantos. It was his job, as a Jedi knight, noble and brave, to make sure she was safe. Everything was the same as yesterday, and yesterday she was just fine. Well, no more weird than usual. But there was no Obee-one and his master yesterday. Yes, he would just have to watch them very closely.

    "Axin!"

    After his bath.
  22. Bastet Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Dec 30, 1999
    star 4
    Hee Hee! I'm loving it.
  23. Alli-Wan Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Dec 21, 1999
    star 3
    Alli-Wan must learn to be mindful of the present, much like her namesake. Today she is surprised to notice she is now a Jedi knight. Examination of old posts reveals this has been the case for quite some time. Yoda chides, "Observation, your strength it is not." Oh well.

    Glad you have been liking the posts. I particularly like this one myself. I hope you do too.

    ***********************************************************************

    [I'm in here Master.] Qui Gon had finally reached the Gantos home, but his apprentice was nowhere to be seen. Their bond and industrious scrubbing sounds soon led him to the washroom door.

    "Obi-Wan? Are you alright?" Ield had said Obi-Wan was washing up, but how long was this going to take? Cycles of alternating rushing water, scrubbing, and draining had been heard emanating from the door since before the Jedi master had arrived.

    "I'm almost finished Master." Seeing Qui-Gon's concern, Ield came up to him. The water turned off, and both men heard the boy begin mopping up the countertop.

    "He had to put his arm in a compost recycler. I don't really blame him for being thorough Master Jinn," Ield said quietly. "Those things don't get cleaned out very often, and sometimes our less, . . um, . . conscientious neighbors throw manure and dead wamps in there."

    Not quietly enough. The sound of rushing water suddenly renewed and scrubbing efforts were redoubled. Ield opened his mouth to apologise, but Qui-Gon shook his head no, suppressing a laugh. As they walked back to the sitting room, Qui-Gon called back to his prune-fingered apprentice.

    "Don't be too long Padawan. It's nearly time to eat." Qui-Gon allowed himself a hint of a smile. [For Force's sake Obi-Wan, don't scrub your skin off]. The water turned off again, and the mopping sound resumed.

    [With respect Master, you didn't smell it]. Unable to resist, Qui-Gon laughed softly. Zelle looked up, startled, and Ield raised an eyebrow. The Jedi master quickly composed himself as his apprentice emerged from the washroom, both hands quite red from the hot water, but otherwise quite neat. Wordlessly, Obi-Wan slipped to his master's side. Satisfied with all present, Ield started to speak.

    "It has been a long time Master Jinn." He nodded at Obi-Wan. "Some things have changed for you." He reached for Zelle's hand. "And some things have changed for us too. But this isn't a social call. Why have you-" Zelle had suddenly pulled her hand away, shaking. All eyes turned to her, Ield's filled with concern.

    "The meal is ready." Still trembling slightly, Zelle turned and walked into the dining nook.


  24. Alli-Wan Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Dec 21, 1999
    star 3
    Here is some more.

    ***********************************************************************

    Still slightly damp, Axin scurried back into his room and got into his bed. As soon as his mother had tucked him in and gone back downstairs, Axin was up again, searching for his night goggles. Finding them behind his data recorder, Axin carried both objects back to his bed, and prepared to investigate Mr. Gantos's two strange visitors. When he lay flat on his stomach on his bed, he had a clear view down into the Gantos's dining nook without being visible from below. He brought the night goggles to his eyes. Would he need the special night vision setting? Would a Jedi need special goggles to see at night? Axin didn't know. However, the dining nook was brightly lit, and the curtains were still open, letting in the warm night air. Night vision or not, Axin couldn't ask for a better view.

    All four places at the usually round table had been taken. Leaves had been added to give more room. Ield sat at the head of the table with Zelle to his left, close to the kitchen. Obee-one sat across from Zelle, his back to Axin. Maybe he wasn't a droid. Droids don't eat, do they? At the foot of the table sat a man who must be the Master-person. Was he evil? Why was he the master? In school, Axin had learned about slavery which happened a very long time ago. Sometimes the slaves had called the people who bought them "master." Was Obee-one a slave? No, that couldn't be it. Slaves were very, very illegal today. The constable wouldn't allow it! Axin scrutinized the Master-person. He was HUGE! Well, no. He wasn't as big as a gweldebeast, but he was taller than Mr. Gantos. Axin didn't think anyone was taller than Mr. Gantos. Of course they were all sitting down. Maybe he just sat straighter.

    Mr. Master (maybe "Master" was just his name) was definitely not a farmer. He was dressed like Obee-one, in sand colored clothes. More like in the sand box in the playground at school, than the one in his in the backyard. Obee-one had taken off his robe. Axin didn't know if Mr. Master had one too; he hadn't seen him come in. But he did have a belt like Obee-one's with all kinds of things attached. Axin didn't know what was there, but he would have to find out. Axin studied his face. He didn't look evil. Axin stared. He tried to use the Force to probe Mr. Master's thoughts. Nothing. He looked at the other diners. Mr. Gantos seemed to be alright; he was talking quietly with Mr. Master. Mrs. Gantos looked upset, just like Axin looked when his mother told him to eat all of his wermid root, and he couldn't leave until he did. Axin didn't think she should be so upset; after all, SHE made the vegetables. Her hands were shaky, making it hard for her to eat. She didn't say much, but everybody else kept sneaking worried glances at her. But the question at hand; were Mr. Master and Obee-one evil? Mrs. Gantos was no help. She always acted like this with company.

    Axin looked at Obee-one. "What funny hair!" Axin thought. He laughed quietly. Obee-one had been quiet throughout the meal, eating and sitting still without fidgeting. How could he do that? Axin always had to struggle not jump off his chair and run around the room, especially with a slow meal like this. Mrs. Gantos was dragging it on forever. Axin turned back to Obee-one. Still quiet. Once in a while, Axin had heard him say "Yes, Master," but nothing else. He MUST be a droid. He was too well behaved to be a person! He had a cord coming out of his hair, over one ear. It was hard to tell from here, but at the recycler it had looked like it was woven. It couldn't be a braid; boys didn't wear braids. It looked like the one on Widow Nellis's lamp. YES! That must be what it was! It was his on/off switch! He had to be a droid! Axin laughed in glee.

    Suddenly, Obee-one stiffened, like Kashbacca did once when a salesman came to the door. But Obee-one didn't start barking like the grilge hound had. Instead, he turned to Mr. Master. The tall ma
  25. Jedi Obi-Wan Kenobi Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Jul 14, 1999
    star 2
    Obee-one and Mr. Master...how cute What a cool story
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