main
side
curve
  1. In Memory of LAJ_FETT: Please share your remembrances and condolences HERE

Jedi Dreams-please critique my first fan fiction

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction Stories--Classic JC Board (Reply-Only)' started by Alli-Wan, Jan 2, 2000.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Alli-Wan

    Alli-Wan Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Dec 21, 1999
    The post is up Ulrike, you don't have to wait long.

    Greetings! A short post tonight, but I was a little busy making sure the other first year grad students were visited by the "Non-Denominational Spring Holiday Rodent," thus I was busy coloring "Non-Denominational Spring Holiday Chicken Products" (a.k.a. Easter Eggs)

    Here's tonight's post. Enjoy! I'll likely be back tommorow. --AWK

    *********

    Glee. I must contain my glee. That's really the only way to describe it. A deliciously evil glee, the wonderful feeling of outsmarting him. Knowing his moves. Knowing his intended salvation. Glee, evil glee.

    I've called up his face on my terminal. He's like a droid, but I'm not fooled. The stoic demeanor, the expressionless face, that creepy Jedi serenity, all of it makes him seem so . . textbook, boring, predictable. But I don't buy it. Yes, you can see it in his eyes; cold and hard, just like mine. The creative deviousness there. He's good; very, very good. Quite the worthy adversary. If he weren't a Jedi he'd be quite the rival, no doubt. Very good. He's outwitted me before.

    Not this time.

    It would not happen again.

    There will be no screw-ups this time.

    My thread was fraying, but now I can feel the loose threads shoring up, weaving into a tough, unbreakable cord. I WILL find him. I WILL find them. I WILL kill them, all of them, and they will suffer. Such a fool she was, such a fool he was. And you too Jedi, such a fool this time. No, not a fool, but the loser nonetheless. You are good, very good. But not good enough this time. I am the victor; you had to fall sometime.

    "Guff!" There you are, right at the door. How do you always do that? How do reach the threshold almost before I finish yelling for you? You must be faster on your feet than you look, my soon-to-be-dead assistant. Soon-to-be-dead. A less satisfying chore than this, but still entertaining. You wait so patiently Guff. Always as eager to please as a child, . . a frightened child. If you only knew Guff, how frightened would you be?

    "We're not screwing up this time Guff. We?re going to get him." Guff nods. Is that all you ever do Guff?

    "H-how?" A reasonable question.

    "Send the men to patrol the spacedock and the marketplace. He has to show up sometime. Try to get him before he reaches the ship. But send Muscles and the Professor on that pleasure cruise. Blasters, bombs, the works. That way, if some of them still get to the ship, we'll get them too. Even if it's just the kid. No witnesses, no rescuers, no escapes." He nods again.

    "No es-escapes. The wh-whole sh-ship then?" Of course the whole ship Guff.

    "No witnesses, no rescuers, no bystanders. No one. No escapes." Guff sighs, committing it all to memory. Do you have any idea how annoying it is to watch you tick off my commands on your fingers like a simpleton. Wait, you are a simpleton. How could I forget? I can't wait until I no longer have to deal with you Guff. You're efficient, but you try my patience.

    Stop staring at your hand like that Guff. Don't make me repeat myself.

    "This is the ship." I hear his doubt. He questions me? The fool questions me, his hand still frozen from counting his tasks, holding it up for me to see. Yes Guff, you can count. Yes Guff, you are a fool. This is the ship. I have never been more certain in my life.

    "This is THE SHIP, Guff. GO!" He winces slightly, but goes, resigning himself to my whims, as he always does. It is a shame to lose you Guff, but you have become both vexing and dangerous. A fatal combination. Too bad for the Wookie fellow.

    "This is the ship."

    Yes Guff. This is the ship. And we're going to get him. He's good. Very good. Very, very good. But Jedi or not, he is not good enough. Not this time.

     
  2. jedi_master_gimpy

    jedi_master_gimpy Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jan 12, 2000
    Yeah!! there's more!! But why do I have the feeling that the holo is of Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan and is going to get them in a little bit of trouble?
     
  3. Jedi Gryph Grin

    Jedi Gryph Grin Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Sep 25, 1999
    COOOLLL!!! More, more, more, more!!!
     
  4. Alli-Wan

    Alli-Wan Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Dec 21, 1999
    Greetings all! This one took me forever. I'd better go get some sleep so I can squish tetrads this afternoon. Fun.

    In any case, thanks for the comments, glad you are continuing to enjoy the story, and enjoy the next post. (I'd write something meaningful here, but my brain has turned to mud.) tongue.gif --AWK

    ********

    The small groundcar was silent. Too silent. Its passengers consisted of a generally amiable but still somewhat awed and socially inept scientist and a stoic Jedi Master who was not prone to small talk. The conversation thus far had been less than stimulating. Other than Ield's vague directions, verbal discourse had been practically non-existent. Thus there was silence, and silence left Ield nothing to ponder but his own thoughts. He was in desperate need of distraction.

    "The weather seems to be quite pleasant." (Yes, the weather. A nice, neutral topic having absolutely nothing to do with death.)

    "Yes." Master Jinn's face took on that weird, Force-ish, introspective look for a moment. It was rather unnerving, considering he was driving the groundcar at the time. The look passed. "The weather should remain calm all evening. It won't interfere with our departure." (Departure. New topic. Need a new topic.)

    "How . . nice." (What would a Jedi master WANT to talk about?) "So what has happened in your life since we parted ways?" (Neutral, open-ended question, requiring more than a one word answer. A question which leaves a wide range of possible responses. It's been eight years, after all. Something pleasant but not too personal to discuss must have happened in eight years.)

    "A good deal." (A good deal? That's it? That's all he's going to say?) Denying this possibility, Ield waited as patiently as possible for the Jedi to continue. He didn't. Ield grimaced in exasperation. He knew he should keep the calm the master had granted him, but Great Semdrah Above Full of High Holy Glory, if Jinn had worked so hard to give him this peace couldn't he expend the smallest effort in helping him to maintain it? (What do I know about him?)

    "Is that a new lightsabre?"

    "No." Silence.

    "Do my clothes fit well enough?"

    "Yes." More silence.

    "How is Master Yoda? Is he still around?" (If anything is a living fossil, he surely is. Must be two-hundred years old, at least.)

    "He is well." (AAAAHH!) It was infuriating. How did he do it? How did he manage to answer every question without saying anything at all? Ield was at a loss as to how this man could possibly be considered to be one of the Jedi's finest negotiators. Finest swordsman he could heartily believe, but negotiator? The arguing parties would probably talk to each other just to fill in the void of silence this man exuded. Then again, maybe that's WHY he was the best negotiator. (What else can I say?) Ield groaned mentally. (I suppose I could ask him about that. I am desperate enough.)

    "So how is your last apprentice, what's-his-name?" Although Ield didn't think the youth was all that deserving, surely he must be a knight by now if Jinn had a new apprentice.

    Qui-Gon Jinn suddenly set his jaw in a manner that Ield found vaguely threatening. (A taboo subject?) When the master finally spoke, only the slightest hint of tension colored his tone. But Ield had never known the Jedi to be anything but calm and confident, even in the heat of battle. And now he was decidedly uncomfortable. (Oh Ield, you've stepped in it now!)

    "Xanatos is no longer my apprentice." Although the words in that statement practically begged for elaboration, Ield quickly saw that none would be forthcoming. (Oh. I can't just not say anything.) But he didn't know what he could say to release the tension in this little groundcar. It was bad enough when the tension was only coming from him; to have it also coming from his only source of tranquility was more than he could endure. (And if I say nothing, it will only get worse and I will have to scream.)

    "Well . . your current apprentice seems like a very nice boy." It was the only way he c
     
  5. jedi_master_gimpy

    jedi_master_gimpy Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jan 12, 2000
    <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Geneva,Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> No. Signs from the highway department.

    LOl! That's hilarious, I was laughing my head of AW!!
     
  6. Padawan Chiaru.

    Padawan Chiaru. Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    Dec 28, 1999
    Hee! That was sooo funny! I almost fell of my chair laughing!
    Alli-Wan you ROCK!
     
  7. Jaya Solo

    Jaya Solo Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Jul 12, 1999
    Hehe. Funny.
     
  8. Alli-Wan

    Alli-Wan Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Dec 21, 1999
    Greetings. Post . . . finally . . . done.
    Took me long enough!
    Hope you like it. It started out kind of iffy, but I kind of liked it towards the end. Let me know, as per usual.

    Going home now, AWK

    *******

    (What do I know about the Force? WHAT DO I KNOW ABOUT THE FORCE?!) Obi-Wan closed his eyes and mentally counted to ten in Wookie. The sounds for Wookie numerals are surprisingly long. (Why couldn't he just ask me more questions about lightsabres?)

    "The Force?" (Feign ignorance. Stall for time. Master Qui-Gon will be back soon. Stall!) Axin rolled his eyes.

    "Yes, the Force! Mr. Gantos and all the books said Jedis use the Force to make things float and open locks and see the future and stuff." They were sitting on the edge of the back porch as Axin continued play absently with his talker-thingies and swing his legs over the side to help dissipate his boundless energy. He turned to scrutinize the droid beside him. Obee-one already knew so much about Jedi; how could he not know anything about the Force? He narrowed his eyes in suspicion. "Have you ever seen a Jedi do something like that?"

    Obi-Wan grinned uncertainly at his interrogator. (Overly-curious seven-year olds obsessed with Jedi are not covered in the Junior Padawan Handbook!) He would just have to keep telling the truth . . from a certain point of view. (Maybe if I pretend I'm Qui-Gon.)

    "Yes, I have." (Of course I have. I've even done most of those things.) Axin frowned at him.

    "So you DO know about the Force." Axin's face was a mixture of annoyance and triumph.

    "Yes," Obi-Wan admitted. "I know a little bit about the Force." It wasn't a lie exactly, in fact it wasn't a lie at all. For awhile now, since about the time Qui-Gon had accepted him as his padawan, he had begun to realize exactly how much he didn't know about the Force, or perhaps how much he didn't know he didn't know. How small and impotent he was next to the mysterious power which bound together all living things. People like Axin, without Force-sensitivity, were easily awed and impressed by such things as levitation and clairvoyance, but the truth of the matter was that these were mere parlor tricks, almost insignificant fluctuations in an infinitely powerful, interconnected web of energy. Not easy to perform mind you, but parlor tricks nonetheless.

    Axin considered the droid. Maybe he really did only know a little bit. Maybe he was embarrassed. Well, Axin hardly knew anything at all about the Force. He tried to make the droid more comfortable.

    "I only know a little bit too." Axin pressed his lips together as Obee-one nodded. (Thank the Force! He believes me.) The small boy leaned close and whispered, "I can't even get it to work myself." Obi-Wan winced slightly. (Oh, Axin. I may not be very strong in the Living Force and always read people very well, but I don't think you ever will.)

    "How many times did you try, other than at the recycler?" The small boy pondered this. He had tried at the recycler, and at the wamp's rock pile fortress (but that was only a dream), and when he tried to get some of his mother's Sellza cake at Harvest Fest, and when he dropped Grand-da's dental appliance down the well. He had tried many times and it had never worked. Especially at the well.

    "I don't know Obee-one. About a hundred times I guess." Axin shrugged. It had been frustrating , but he kept trying. It didn't matter that it didn't work. He would make it work. It didn't matter that the other kids at school laughed at him. He would make it work. It didn't matter that big kids like Ev Loki told him he was stupid and that he would never make it work if he tried for a million years. He would--

    Suddenly Axin paused. Obee-one looked about as old as Ev Loki. Did all his failures make the droid think Axin was stupid too? But the droid only smiled, almost sadly.

    "That's a lot of hard work. You're very dedicated." Axin looked across the yard to the chaffa field, pondering a new puzzle. He was only seven, and thus no stranger to confu
     
  9. Jane Jinn

    Jane Jinn Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Jan 12, 2000
    Sweet!

    I just have one question (that will probably never be answered) but what was Axin doing with Grand-Da's dental appliance at the well in the first place? A wonderful example, anyway!

    I loved the way Axin decided that Obee-One was sad because he was a droid and didn't know whether the Force was in him or not! And the way he asked if Jedi were living things. And the way that the Force was definitely in Mr. Master! Oh, so sweet!
     
  10. JediKnight-Obi-Wan

    JediKnight-Obi-Wan Jedi Grand Master star 5

    Registered:
    Jan 13, 2000
    LOL I love Obee-one and Axin. So cute.
     
  11. Jedi Gryph Grin

    Jedi Gryph Grin Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Sep 25, 1999
    It makes my day when I visit here and find a new post! Keep up the great work Alli-Wan.
     
  12. Jaya Solo

    Jaya Solo Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Jul 12, 1999
    That sounds like my reasoning skills.
     
  13. Alli-Wan

    Alli-Wan Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Dec 21, 1999
    Sorry all. No post tonight. And with all the work on the horizon, I don't know when the next one will be either. To tide you over until then, and in light of today's holiday, I'm posting for you the politically correct version of the song "Peter Cottontail" that I wrote for my tea friend for Easter. If I remember to, I'll try to post the poem I once wrote about sci-fi and finals later this month as finals loom ahead for all of us. Enjoy. I will come back, I promise. -- AWK

    "Here's comes the Non-Denomimational Spring Holiday Rodent,
    Locomoting along the Small Herbivorous Mammal path,
    Jump, jump, jump,
    The rodent is coming.
    Yahoo."

    Not as much fun as Axin, but at least you didn't have to wait as long. Thanks for your continued readership, and Happy Non-Denominational Spring Holiday.
     
  14. mouse2

    mouse2 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Oct 29, 1999
    [shamless begging]Please Alli-Wan give us more Axin. I'm starting to really miss that dear litle boy.[/shamless begging]

    Axin and Obee-one do not belong on page 3! Up you go you two.
     
  15. neri

    neri Jedi Youngling

    Registered:
    Apr 27, 2000
    Oh my...I love this story, which is by turns exciting, cute, hysterically funny, waffy... I do hope you'll post more, Alli-Wan...we need more Obee-One and Axin.
     
  16. Alli-Wan

    Alli-Wan Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Dec 21, 1999
    Welcome Neri!

    The post is up! Sorry, it's not an Axin post, but I hope to get back to him before next week. (The plot is just so demanding! I have to give the cuteness and the story equal time.) Will likely be back tommorow.

    Iffy as per usual. My fanfic muscles may not have been properly warmed up, but I assure you, this does move the plot forward.

    --AWK

    *********

    Smedsen briskly climbed the boarding ramp. His much larger companion followed more slowly, visibly weighed down by heavy boxes and bags and pulling a large cart. (Why are bombs and blasters and destroyer droids so heavy?) Both men halted at the reception desk; Smedsen rang the chime.

    "We'll try this the easy way first," he quietly whispered to his companion, who had unceremoniously dropped the duffel he was carrying. (Good thing it was a thermal detonator. Not set off by hard knocks.) "No sense in us hiding in the storage hold for three days when we can have a nice little cabin instea--" He was suddenly cut off by the ever-radiant presence of Meegie.

    "Good afternoon, gentlemen. Will you be joining us on our pleasant little tour of the Core worlds?" Bright white teeth flashed in his eyes. Smedsen caught his breath. (Please have large escape pods. Please have large escape pods.) Meegie raised an eyebrow.

    "Why yes, . . Meegie. We will be taking you up on that offer. You still do have the one cabin left, yes?" Meegie smiled pleasantly. Smedsen noted her eyes lit up as she took him in. It could mean only one thing . . . commission.

    "Indeed, one cabin left, but it's second class. Quite large though, beautiful view when we're not in hyperspace, two beds, one extra-large for your friend here. Both would be, but another passenger requested one." Smedsen was about to reassure her that such was just fine, that he knew all about it, when he suddenly realized he didn't "know."

    "Oh, that's just fine dear. I trust the other bed isn't infested with ship mites or anything?" Meegie widened her grin. (He as charming as a constipated bantha.)

    "On our cruiseline? Never!" Her face grew serious. "I will of course have to take your money first. I can offer you a bit of a discount, as you didn't use our facilities for the entire voyage out here, but I will have to charge you full price for food. It's all-you-can-eat." The large man's ears perked up at that statement. The smaller steadied him with a touch to his arm.

    "Food later!" he hissed. He turned to Meegie. "Of course. This should cover it." He placed a Republic account card in her slender hand, kissing it gently. Silently, Meegie noted his excess saliva. Forcing a smile, she took the card and handed him the registration pad and thumb scanner.

    "If you'll both sign in while I run this through, please. This will allow us to track your future requests without having to fill out tiresome forms. Breakfast service, court reservations, that sort of thing."

    For a moment Smedsen froze. (What was the name on the card?) He passed the book to his companion first to buy some time. (Great Flaming Wookies! It was something with an "R," or an "S" . . )

    "Here you go Mr. Retch." Meegie handed back his card with another brilliant smile and a teasing voice. "Your credit limit is welcome anywhere on the ship. . . " (Retch? What did you do Guff?) Smedsen peered at the card.

    "Hmm. That's Roché." (Definitely a discount tour. Not exactly the classiest cruiseline,. . ) He gazed up at Meegie as he thumbed his onboard identification. (But the scenery isn't all that bad.) "Professor Roché." (That ought to impress a flighty little thing like her.) He passed back the datapad.

    "Professor, and Mr. . . Kelp, if you will come with me." She pressed a button, and the Dreselian cabin boy appeared to take their bags. "We will bring your bags shortly, just as soon as they are sent through the scanner." Smedsen realized suddenly that Meegie had just walked them through the personal detector without so much as a blink. (Must be defective, or those tricks of Guff's must really work.
     
  17. Jedi Gryph Grin

    Jedi Gryph Grin Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Sep 25, 1999
    Yay!! A new post! Happy weekend Alli-wan!

    Hmmmm, so ploole nuts are a marketable commodity huh?

    I'm eagerly awaiting more.
     
  18. neri

    neri Jedi Youngling

    Registered:
    Apr 27, 2000
    Thanks for the welcome, Alli-Wan. And LOL...those descriptions you gave the BadGuys(tm). But, a thermal detonator, bombs, blasters and destroyer droids?! Uh-oh...

    First things first, though...more Axin soon? *hopeful look*

     
  19. Jaya Solo

    Jaya Solo Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Jul 12, 1999
    Wow. Great post! Can't wait to read more about Axin and Obi-Wan.
     
  20. Alli-Wan

    Alli-Wan Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Dec 21, 1999
    Greetings! Sorry about no post yesterday, but this one took em two days to finish! Lyrics are hard to think up sometimes.

    This post is dedicated to Jemmiah, (whether she is reading this or not), as it was inspired by her lovely little song about Jedi Masters in her "Lions, tigers and padawans, oh my!" thread. Funny stuff, though I haven't been in lately.

    Incidently, the libretto is a parody of a song my baby-sitters taught me when I was young and immature (completely unlike now.) The actual song is pretty ridiculous and goes something to the effect of :

    "They say that in the Army,
    The food is mighty fine.
    You ask for mayonaisse,
    And they give you turpentine!
    Oh! I don't want no more of Army Life!
    Gee, but I want to go home!"

    I don't know who to credit it to, but we kind of sang it like a camp song. Anyway, the words will fit to it.

    Hope you like. Iffy as usual. But still kind of funny, I hope.


    ********

    "They say that in the Agri-Corp
    The food is great to eat,"

    "But if you're not a herbivore,
    It's not much of a treat."

    "OH, I NO LONGER WANT TO BE A KNIGHT!
    GEE, BUT I'LL SIT ON THAT GNOME!"

    Manure. Joy. Reese and Evel had expected their "magnificent Jedi talents" would be called upon in the Agricultural Corp. Had expected that careful manipulations of Living Force would be required to make the crops grow and the insects pollinate. Had expected to shower poor little organisms struggling into their ecological niches with loving support and caring energy. Yes they had expected this.

    They hadn't expected these requirements to extend to the helpful microorganisms native to kelp manure.

    (Love your poo-doo.)

    "They say that in the Agri-Corp,
    We feel the Living Force,"

    "Along with rocks, manure
    And terra-worms of course."

    "OH, I NO LONGER WANT TO BE A KNIGHT!
    GEE, BUT I'LL SIT ON THAT GNOME!"

    Of course, sending encouraging Force energies into manure was easier said than done. It required one to be centered and calm. To build up, if not a fondness, a good will toward those one wished to help. To reach a higher mental plane, free of emotional and physical distractions.

    And the manure really smelled.

    Bad.

    "They say that in the Agri-Corp
    We fulfill dire needs,"

    "Talking to the chaffa
    And pulling all the weeds!"

    "OH, I NO LONGER WANT TO BE A KNIGHT!
    GEE, BUT I'LL SIT ON THAT GNOME!"

    Thus humor and song helped the two former initiates through the long, tedious and painfully exasperating times. Times like now, as they currently transported loads of fresh kelp manure from the loading dock to the autoclave.

    (Why do we have to sterilize it, when we are just going to add more bacteria?)

    Bitter humor. Scathing song. Got all those pesky darkside demons of frustration and petulance out of their systems before they started their meditations. Got the blood flowing to the brain. Kept them going while their noses adjusted to the smell.

    At least that didn't take as long now as it did three years ago. Then again, Evel wondered if perhaps growing accustomed to the smell of manure was a good thing after all.

    "They say that in the Agri-Corp
    Rewards are bittersweet,"

    As for the previous verses, Evel sang out the first two lines, leaving the more scandalous (and humorous) lyrics to Reese. He never had the guts to say most of the lines himself. Still, with such an arrangement, he was in a perfect position to dare Reese to do so. Reese always obliged. Evel finished, his bright tenor tone steady, and pushed the manure cart into the hall. Time for another load.

    "Still that is much better
    Than kissing Windu's feet!"

    In a slightly deeper voice, Reese sang out his lines with glee and abandon. They began to push their carts back toward the rear loading dock. So much manure, so few autoclaves.

    "OH, I NO LONGER WANT TO BE A KNIGHT!
    GEE, BUT I'LL SIT ON THAT GNOME!"

    As both boys sang out the chorus (in a shaky, but light of heart harmony) to the slightly baffled amusement of various technicians, they passed Dr. Gantos coming into the lab.

    "They say that in the Agri-Corp
    One works with lots of tool
     
  21. Jedi Gryph Grin

    Jedi Gryph Grin Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Sep 25, 1999
    *Gryph Grin jumps around the room clapping his hands like a maniac*

    I love it! Awesome post!
     
  22. Jaya Solo

    Jaya Solo Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Jul 12, 1999
    Wonderful. Hehe, the little knights are afraid of Jinn.
     
  23. Ulrike

    Ulrike Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    Mar 8, 2000
    *chuckles* I love your humor.
     
  24. neri

    neri Jedi Youngling

    Registered:
    Apr 27, 2000
    *chortles* I learned variations of that song, too when I was a kid...don't remember from whom though. That was hilarious, Alli-Wan.
     
  25. JediKnight-Obi-Wan

    JediKnight-Obi-Wan Jedi Grand Master star 5

    Registered:
    Jan 13, 2000
    HAAHAHAHAA That was SOOO funny!!!!
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.