Jedi Dreams-please critique my first fan fiction

Hahahahaha! That was hilarious! I love this story!

 

Dear all,

I'm glad you enjoyed the last post. (It still makes me laugh.) I will likely be back with the next one by Friday-ish, as I have alot of grad school-ish stuff going on (ie. I must convince someone much smarter than me that he/she should support me for the next five years whilst I slave away in their lab. A formidable task.) If all goes well, I will post. If not, I'll be depressed instead.

In any case, Jane Jinn, even I don't know what Axin was doing with Grand-da's dental appliance, but I will see what I can come up with. Also, Jaya Solo, Evel and Reese are not knights, they are Agri-Corp Jedi, (as Obi-Wan seemed fated to be). Sorry if I wasn't clear, but I'm glad you like how they are scared of Jinn. I would be too if the last time I'd seen him he was an anguished Jedi Master and I was a 12 year old. Hee, hee.

Okay, enough out of me. If I were going to write this much, I should have just posted. tongue.gif Oops. --AWK

 

I knew they weren't knights. I just wrote that for some reason. (I don't know why, I seem to have misplaced my mind.)

I read that wrong and thought that I was an agricultural Jedi. I wondered where I was in the story and reread that and then understood. <laughs at self>

Can't wait for more.

 

Greetings all,

As you likely guessed, grad-school-ish stuff kind of had me bogged down this weekend. (Any Force-users are encouraged to help me mind trick certain PhD's into accepting me into their lab. Thanks in advance.)

Still no luck in that department.

Also, alas, not our dear Axin. Only another iffy bridging post with no real point to it, other than I needed to get back into the swing of the story, so I jumped back into some neglected character's minds. Enjoy, feedback welcome. Classes are over, am taking this week easy, so will likely get back to Axin soon.

And if you could center that mind-whammy on the the lovely country of Great Britain, I would be most thankful. --AWK

********

Tebla turned away from the kitchen window smiling. (Very clever, Little Jedi. Very clever.) All that meditating he had done this morning must have paid off. He had managed his first whopper. (Axin wasn't full of whoppers. He was full of little questions. But just when you always think he's run out of the little questions, he pulls a whopper. The question you don't know how to answer.)

('Will the Force still know I exist?') Axin's question rang through her mind. (Wow. That's a tough one.) He had never asked her that himself before, had never expressed any doubts about his impossible dream before, and as perceptive as he was, he still never noticed the sad, gentle attempts to dissuade him. But then again, he had never met a Jedi before, and still didn't know he had.

At least Tebla was pretty sure he had never met a Jedi before.

As she left the kitchen to move on to the sitting room, Tebla pondered this question. Master Jinn and his apprentice were working covertly, and they seemed comfortable with it, as if this weren't the first such "mission." Perhaps this sort of thing was fairly common among Jedi. Who knows how many times a Jedi might have sat next to her on a transport, or passed her in the marketplace?

Suddenly Tebla remembered what planet she was on. And the . . . well, . masterful presence of Master Jinn. (Yes, there really was no other way to describe it. Masterful. Strong. But in a calming way.) They can't come here too often. If she had ever unknowingly met one of his brethren before, she was quite sure she would have remembered it. (Unless they didn't want me to.)

Chuckling slightly, Tebla began to pack the pictures and holos around the sitting room. She had never noticed before, but all of them were taken here, on this planet, in town, in this house. Nothing from before. Not even wedding pictures. Tebla shook her head. How had she not noticed this before? In her sitting room, there were only two pictures, one from her wedding and one of Axin. Tebla wondered what pictures hung in Master Jinn's sitting room, if he indeed had one. (Where do Jedi live anyway, besides out of their traveling sacks?) Did they have apartments near the Temple, or did they have cells like monks? Or bunks like space-farers? Maybe they really didn't live anywhere, and never actually slept. Maybe they just sat and meditated instead of getting tired.

But they were human. Eventually they would have to wash, wouldn't they?

Zelle came in, gave her a faint smile, then began folding up the blanket she had left on the couch earlier. The pastel blanket, so soothing, that Tebla had made. Yes, that was definitely coming back with them. A gift from a friend it could not be left behind.
(Yes it could.)

It could. Everything could. Everything could be left behind. She had done it before.

Well, almost everything. Zelle glanced through the doorway into the kitchen, her gaze falling on the goblet case.

Everything but one thing. Her goblets. And Ield.

And what had Ield carried? Their damnation. And perhaps now he would carry back the same thing. Only now it might be their salvation. Their truth to slay the demons at the center of the galaxy. To finally put away those who had hurt so many. That had made her so afraid.

Zelle hugged the now folded blanket to her chest. A comfort. It really

 

Excellent post as usual Alli-Wan. You have such a gift for bringing your characters to life, I feel as if they are dear friends that I've known in real life.

Your desire to work in the U.K. is commendable, friends and family of mine have visited there and told me it is very nice over there.

Personally though, I'm setting my sights on Austrailia.

Keep up the great work!

~~~~

Yeah...I'm the root of all that's evil...but you can call me Cookie!

 

Great post. Can't wait for more Axin.

 

That was awesome! More characterization is always a good thing. Poor Zelle. I'd hate to have to leave all my stuff behind, especially my Star Wars collection. (It's not that big, but I love it)
Anyway, I love this story! I eagerly await your next post.

 

Greetings all,

Alas JGG, I'm not trying to work in the UK. The prof whose lab I am trying to join is currently on sabbatical over there, and being in the US, it makes communicatio difficult. GRRR!

On the plus side, being chained to the phone allows me time to work on my fanfic.

Thus, the next installment. I had a tough time with this one; I'm just not a bully. It's hard to get inside their heads. (Yet I had no trouble with the evil person. This disturbs me. confused.gif )

Oh well, comments welcome, as per usual.--AWK

*********

(Oh no! Go away! Go away!) If Axin had ever needed the Force to work, now was definitely the time. Ev Loki was coming. He was mean, he was sneaky, and . . . and he always made Axin feel stupid. And now he was going to do it in front of Obee-one. (No!) Ev Loki was older than him, and knew more stuff. He made lots of other kids think Axin was stupid too. What if . . what if he made Obee-one think that?

What if he PROGRAMMED Obee-one to think that?

What would Axin do then? He couldn't reprogram a droid! Obee-one would think he was stupid forever, and wouldn't play with him again, or talk to him anymore. Then Axin would have to play Jedi alone forever, and the only one who ever played with him would think he was stupid. (Go away! PLEASE!) Axin stiffened as the older farm boy climbed over the fence and approached them across the yard, grinning. It wasn't a nice grin. It was almost a sneer, and he was almost-a-sneering at Obee-one, wondering what kind of droid would be playing with someone like Axin.

"What's wrong?" Obi-Wan whispered into Axin's ear, even though his Force sense of the new intruder gave him a pretty good idea. Whoever this kid was, he reminded him of Bruck Chun. Not in the way he looked. This boy was freckled and brown-eyed with hair the color of rust, not exactly average looking, but he didn't stand out entirely either. With his shock-white hair, and chilled blue eyes, Bruck was always noticed, even in a crowd. But like Bruck, it wasn't this boy's appearance that raised Obi-Wan's hackles. It wasn't the Dark Side either, exactly, not yet, but the boy seemed to be . . seemed to have . . a maliciousness to him. And he didn't need Axin's sudden apprehensiveness to sense it. Nor midi-chlorians.

Nobody would.

He only had to have been a child who was picked on.

This boy was a bully.

"It's him. . ." Axin answered quaveringly. Though his words were few, his tone spoke volumes.

"He's not very nice, is he?" the droid asked gently.

"No. He's not. He's mean Obee-one."

"He makes fun of you?" The droid's voice was so quiet. Axin didn't think he could turn his speakers so low.

"Yes." (Why?) "He says . . . that it's stupid to want to be a Jedi." Axin swallowed. He wasn't the only one here who wanted to be a Jedi. Would Ev tell Obee-one he was stupid too? Nearing panic, Axin scanned the yard. He was coming closer! (GO AWAY!) The small boy shuddered the tiniest bit. (LEAVE US ALONE!)

He felt a pat on his shoulder; it was the droid. (Is he trying to reprogram ME? Or turn me off? Doesn't he know I'm not a droid?) No, that was silly. Obee-one knew Axin was a living thing, not a droid. He was just being nice. (Maybe I should turn him off.) He didn't want Obee-one to hear the nasty things Ev would say. But it was too late. Obee-one stood up quickly, his shoulders and restart switch now out of easy reach. Not to mention that he would fall over if Axin turned him off now that he was standing. He might even dent if he fell that far, and Mr. Master would not be very happy if Axin dented the droid he loved so much.

"Don't worry." The droid smiled gently, then looked at the new boy steadily, his lips pressed together in a stern line as he stood up even straighter. He looked like Mr. Master when he stood like that, his arms crossed over his chest and folded into his sleeves. Axin wondered if his hands were cold.

Ev Loki stopped, scrutinizing the stranger who had been talking to Axin. The new kid was about one finger

 

Trying to get the story post to pop up so I won't leave you in suspense. --AWK

 

Sorry Alli-Wan, I misunderstood your comment about the UK. But I'm still trying to figure out a way to get to Austrailia.

Excellent post. I hope Obi Wan has a "learning moment" planned for Ev Loki. I'm looking forward to reading what happens.

 

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Geneva,Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Tebla reached for the tea kettle.

Jasmine, Oolong, Green, Earl Grey or Chrysanthsamum?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Geneva,Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>"So Axin, who is your friend here and why is he wearing his mommie's bathrobe?"

How rude. I don't think you need to worry about the bully-mindset, Alli-wan, that would be the type of mean comment I can see coming from a bully.

Excellent posts, Alli-wan!


[This message has been edited by neri (edited 05-10-2000).]

 

IMac still fussy. Trying to pop up comments again. Will post tommorow.

 

*cheers in the backround*

"OBI!!" "OBI!!" "OBI!!"

"KICK SOME BIG BULLY BEHIND, OBI!!"

"YOU DA MAN!!!"

". . . "

". . . well, kind of."

 

Great post! Hehe... I can't wait to see what Obi-Wan is going to do to that kid. Post soon!!!

 

Sorry guys, no post tonight.

I'm in an academic crisis right now. I've been turned down for one lab, and gotten a less definite no for the other, leaving me high and dry for the moment.

I honestly don't know when I'll be back here to write. It may be tommorow, it may be in a couple weeks, but right now I have alot of work to do, and no one who's like me to do it for them.

Plus I have a final Monday, the practice exam for which is EVIL beyond belief.

I'll try to remember to post the poem I promised soon, and hopefully I'll get back to Obi-Wan and the bully soon. --AWK

 

Greetings. More Guff coming at you. Enjoy, and don't worry. Obi-Wan has quite a few things to teach Axin's bully.

********

"So we're just supposed to stay here and watch the roads?" Guff sighed. (Why me?)

"Y-yes. The B-boss th-thinks he has found the ship Jinn is leav-leaving on, b-but they have-nt ar-rived yet. The B-boss wants you t-to work in t-teams on the m-main roads in-in-in-into town. One pair t-to watch the tr-traffic, the o-other to m-man a ro-roadblock further d-down the r-road." The voices on the other end became distinctly nervous.

"We're, uhh . . . not supposed to, . . uh, you know, stop him or anything. I mean, the Boss knows he's a--"

"WE KNOW WHAT HE IS!" Guff smiled slightly at the shocked silence from the commlink. He had never raised his voice to the men before. Generally he was so soft-spoken, most of them had assumed he had suffered some injury to his vocal cords. In actuality, despite the condition of his skull, his voice was quite unscathed by his rather unusual, mysterious past. The truth of the matter was that Guff was a man that though affected by, was not controlled by his feelings. While the degree of his stuttering was usually a good indication of his emotional state, his tone of voice was not. Yes, raising his voice was certainly a rare enough phenomena to shock the men into obedience, and this necessity was the only reason behind the outburst; internally Guff was no more agitated than he had been a moment before. The silence continued. Guff realized he would have to explain the reason for the reprimand; the lack of apology clearly spoke of the men's confusion as the shock abated.

"We are b-being c-covert here, gen-gentlemen. Y-you have al-already men-mentioned his n-name. He may b-be list-ning?" More confused mumbling.

"Can he do that?" The fear was palpable. "Does he know where we are?" A more distant voice quavered in the background.

"Oh gods! There are two of them!" Guff rolled his eyes. You'd think thugs who had spent so much time on Coruscant would be more acquainted not only with the abilities, but also with the limitations of Jedi. But no! It was also clear that the men had not studied the surveillance information on Jinn's apprentice either. (Two of them indeed!) True, a Jedi padawan was not to be trifled with, and Jinn had his infinite respect, but for Force's sake, had these people learned nothing? They had been chasing the Jedi for five weeks and they were still as ignorant as Sinew's grandmother! And she hadn't left her treehouse on Kashyyk in twenty years!

"C-calm down. If h-he isn't there, h-he doesn't kn-know wh-where you a-are. Be-besides. Y-you a-aren't ex-expected to s-stop him . . j-just id-identi-fy him and re-port back. D-delay him if y-you can." The sinister voice of the sharpshooter came over the line. A voice which had remained ominously silent, until now. A voice of a man who is not intimidated by Jedi.

"What if it's just the kid?" (At least someone bothered to read the surveillance reports.) Guff swallowed.

"I-if the o-old one is-isn't t-there, (Jinn's not that old!) th-then y-you m-may t-tr-try to c-cap-ture them. B-but-but DO-ON'T K-KI-KILL THE-EM. B-boss h-has sp-special p-plans if h-he can t-take th-them a-a-alive." A sigh of frustration.

"We can't kill them?" (Why didn't you screw up earlier Jinn and make this easier on all of us? Calm.)

"M-much as y-you'd enjoy that, n-no. J-just k-keep an eye ou-out and f-follow direct-directions. W-we st-still d-don't know where they a-are, and we-we'd like t-to know they-re c-coming b-before they g-get here." The men resigned themselves to their fate, one with disappointment, the rest with relief.

"Okay Guff. No killing. Got it."

"G-good. Wh-where are you?"

"Near a kelp field." (A kelp field? There are kelp fields everywhere!) Guff swore he had never rolled his eyes so much as he had in the past two days. It was a good thing he and Sinew would be leaving before they rolled right out of his head.

"W-what str-street are you on-on?" Exc

 

Trying again to get the post up. This worked last time.

 

Trying this one more time. So far has been to no avail. If this doesn't work, I'll start a new thread.

 

test, test

 

Dear All,

Now that the forum seems to be up and working, (fingers crossed), I thought I'd try to post a link to the new thread "Jedi Dreams" will be continued on, in case anybody missed it. BTW, I should be posting tonight. I had a half-done post, but then the server went a little nuts. In any event, the rest of the story may be found at Forum16/HTML/000027-11.htmlJedi Dreams (Thread II): Critiques welcome as per usual . Enjoy!

--AWK

 

Let's try this again, with an actual useful link!

Forum16/HTML/000786.htmlJedi Dreams (Thread II): Critiques welcome as per usual .

Cross your fingers!

--AWK

 

Just heard about the "BIG MOVE." Since I'm still continuing this story on the other thread, I figured somebody might actually want to read the bulk of it here. Thanks, --AWK

 

I know some of the posts came up incomplete. Was trying to fix them, but to no avail. Apparently I have a "cookie" problem? In any case, even if I don't get it all fixed eventually, I have the intact story saved, and archive requests which will be fulfilled when the story is complete. Will also try to fix the link, even though this system doesn't seem to support them. Grr. Still trying. Second thread is up to date, though experiencing the same problems. Double Grr. Sorry, no post tonight. --AWK

 

The boards are up again! Yay! I'm just going through updating my bookmarks. Post soon.