Jedi Dreams (Thread II): Critiques welcome as per usual

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction Stories--Classic JC Board (Reply-Only)' started by Alli-Wan, May 14, 2000.

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  1. Alli-Wan Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Dec 21, 1999
    star 3
    Alas all, the original "Jedi Dreams" thread has become frozen in time and I have resorted to opening a new thread to accomadate. (Unless of course the problem mysteriously fixes itself and we can all go back to the old thread).

    In any case, several days of posts have refused to come up, so I'm reposting the last addition to the story. (Thus, if it ever does come up, you won't be terribly confused as to why it appears twice).

    For those of you who might want to go back to the rest of the story, the original, still readable, but apparently not postable thread can be found here: Forum16/HTML/000027-11.htmlJedi Dreams-please critique my first fan fiction .

    Hope this works out, and the link works. --AWK
  2. Alli-Wan Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Dec 21, 1999
    star 3
    BTW, if it ever becomes possible to read the last post on the last thread, (nearly identical to this one), read the end of this version. I changed it slightly.

    Enjoy! Force forbid I let you face finals Guff-less.

    --AWK

    ********

    "So we're just supposed to stay here and watch the roads?" Guff sighed. (Why me?)

    "Y-yes. The B-boss th-thinks he has found the ship Jinn is leav-leaving on, b-but they have-nt ar-rived yet. The B-boss wants you t-to work in t-teams on the m-main roads in-in-in-into town. One pair t-to watch the tr-traffic, the o-other to m-man a ro-roadblock further d-down the r-road." The voices on the other end became distinctly nervous.

    "We're, uhh . . . not supposed to, . . uh, you know, stop him or anything. I mean, the Boss knows he's a--"

    "WE KNOW WHAT HE IS!" Guff smiled slightly at the shocked silence from the commlink. He had never raised his voice to the men before. Generally he was so soft-spoken, most of them had assumed he had suffered some injury to his vocal cords. In actuality, despite the condition of his skull, his voice was quite unscathed by his rather unusual, mysterious past. The truth of the matter was that Guff was a man that though affected by, was not controlled by his feelings. While the degree of his stuttering was usually a good indication of his emotional state, his tone of voice was not. Yes, raising his voice was certainly a rare enough phenomena to shock the men into obedience, and this necessity was the only reason behind the outburst; internally Guff was no more agitated than he had been a moment before. The silence continued. Guff realized he would have to explain the reason for the reprimand; the lack of apology clearly spoke of the men's confusion as the shock abated.

    "We are b-being c-covert here, gen-gentlemen. Y-you have al-already men-mentioned his n-name. He may b-be list-ning." More confused mumbling.

    "Can he do that?" The fear was palpable. "Does he know where we are?" A more distant voice quavered in the background.

    "Oh gods! There are two of them!" Guff rolled his eyes. You'd think thugs who had spent so much time on Coruscant would be more acquainted not only with the abilities, but also with the limitations of Jedi. But no! It was also clear that the men had not studied the surveillance information on Jinn's apprentice either. (Two of them indeed!) True, a Jedi padawan was not to be trifled with, and Jinn had his infinite respect, but for Force's sake, had these people learned nothing? They had been chasing the Jedi for five weeks and they were still as ignorant as Sinew's grandmother! And she hadn't left her treehouse on Kashyyk in twenty years!

    "C-calm down. If h-he isn't there, h-he doesn't kn-know wh-where you a-are. Be-besides. Y-you a-aren't ex-expected to s-stop him . . j-just id-identi-fy him and re-port back. D-delay him if y-you can." The sinister voice of the sharpshooter came over the line. A voice which had remained ominously silent, until now. A voice of a man who is not intimidated by Jedi.

    "What if it's just the kid?" (At least someone bothered to read the surveillance reports.) Guff swallowed.

    "I-if the o-old one is-isn't t-there, (Jinn's not that old!) th-then y-you m-may t-tr-try to c-cap-ture them. B-but-but DO-ON'T K-KI-KILL THE-EM. B-boss h-has sp-special p-plans if h-he can t-take th-them a-a-alive." A sigh of frustration.

    "We can't kill them?" (Why didn't you screw up earlier Jinn and make this easier on all of us? Calm.)

    "M-much as y-you'd enjoy that, n-no. J-just k-keep an eye ou-out and f-follow direct-directions. W-we st-still d-don't know where they a-are, and we-we'd like t-to know they-re c-coming b-before they g-get here." The men resigned themselves to their fate, one with disappointment, the rest with relief.

    "Okay Guff. No killing. Got it."

    "G-good. Wh-where are you?"

    "Near a kelp field." (A kelp field? There are kelp fields everywhere!) Guff swore he had never rolled his eyes so much as he had in the past two days. It was a good thing he and Si
  3. Bastet Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 30, 1999
    star 4
    Totally awesome! So are you going to post here from now on, or what? I couldn't see any posts from the last three or four days on your other thread, so this is nice. Was there more with Ev and Obi, or was that one post it for now? That one was awesome too, I must say! I love this story!
  4. Alli-Wan Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Dec 21, 1999
    star 3
    Thank you most kindly Bastet. I'm glad you have been enjoying the story. Never fear, the only post eaten by the thread monster in the last thread has been revised and reposted here. Will be back eventually. --AWK
  5. Jedi Gryph Grin Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 25, 1999
    star 4
    I'm so glad you decided to continue with this story Alli-Wan, and that was an excellent post.

    Alas, my thread Divided We Fall got frozen too, but I'm having serious doubts about starting a second, continuing thread since I'm only 2 or 3 posts away from finishing the blasted thing.

    Oh well, keep up the great work. I look forward to more soon.
  6. neri Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Apr 27, 2000
    Yay~ found the thread again. Thanks for continuing it here, Alli-wan.

    <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Geneva,Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Guff swore he had never rolled his eyes so much as he had in the past two days. It was a good thing he and Sinew would be leaving before they rolled right out of his head.

    It's so hard to find good help these days.
  7. Jedi Gryph Grin Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 25, 1999
    star 4
    UP!!

    Please post more soon Alli-Wan!
  8. Alli-Wan Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Dec 21, 1999
    star 3
    Will be back this weekend, promise. Currently in academic crisis, but I will return. --AWK
  9. Jedi Gryph Grin Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 25, 1999
    star 4
    Okie day, on the Jedi Dreams thread formerly known as 'frozen' you said you would be posting tonight.

    Patiently waiting.
  10. Alli-Wan Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Dec 21, 1999
    star 3
    My apologies JGG (and everyone else)! I hope you aren't still waiting. I hadn't spoken to my Mom for about a month, and I had a bad dream about her last night, so I was worried about her and we talked forever. Finally, a post! A post! (I promise to get back to Axin soon. I really mean it). For now, more fun in the lab. Enjoy! --AWK


    ********

    "Oh Force! I can't believe you just did that!" Reese stared at his friend in disbelief.

    "Me? ME? Evel, you started it!" Reese shook his head as he filled the ice bucket. He turned to stare at his friend, who was trying desperately not to succumb to panicked, hysterical laughter. "Besides," he retorted, suddenly remembering Master Jinn's reputation. "We may have just recruited him to the Agricultural Corp."

    "Huh?" Reese was recovering much more rapidly than his friend was; Evel's brain was still stuck in crawl-under-a-rock-and-die mode.

    "'We bend our backs to soil,
    Not the whiny Council's rules.' Remember?"

    "Oh Force! He heard that one too!" Reese snorted. Somehow, despite the fact that Evel was blessed with far greater social skills than he was, he had never quite outgrown the terrified initiate persona. For Force's sake, they didn't have to impress the masters anymore, much less the hopelessly unimpressed Qui-Gon Jinn.

    "Evel, so what? With the way you sing, he probably heard all the verses, not to mention our splendid finale to "Force of Poodoo," by the way, in which may I say you performed an excellent ice bucket drum solo." Evel blushed. He was generally so reserved and serious (he was almost as bad as Kenobi) and sometimes it just really felt good to rhythmically pound out the beat like a jizz-wailer (or a savage). "It's not as if we have any need to impress him anymore; we're never going to be knights anyway, so I think its safe to stop worrying about what he and all the other masters think of us."

    "But it does Reese! At least for me." Evel sighed as he sunk into a chair and Reese opened the cold room door in his face, as if to shield himself from the whining. "You are happy here, but I don't want to stay in the Agri-Corp forever. I want . . . "

    "You want a big cushy job so you can buy a big cushy chair and watch the holo projector all night. And--"

    "And any of chance of that may be ruined! Masters talk!" Evel buried his face in his hands. Reese sighed.

    "Evel, remember who we're talking about here. Mr. The-Council-Can-Kiss-My-, uh, -Beard. If he decides to say anything bad about you, it can only improve your reputation with the higher ups." Evel still kept his face covered as Reese placed the much sought after tube on ice and carried the bucket out to Dr. Gantos. Nevertheless, hope was resurfacing. He raised his head just as Reese returned, trying to unsuccessfully hide his own relief at being free of the Jedi's scrutiny once more.

    "Besides, young people like us only make him sad anyway," Evel whispered. Reese nodded his agreement, then strengthened his mental shields against the master.

    "Poor guy. To lose your apprentice like that, and right before his Trials too." He kept his voice low, not wanting Jinn to overhear.

    "Yeah." Both boys turned to face the door, contemplating the Jedi to whom Fate had dealt so cruel a hand.

    "Such talent and training. All wasted."

    "Uh-huh." Usually Evel was a bit more articulate, but he had only recently freed himself from that urge to hide under a rock and had now entered the maybe-he'll-forget-I-exist mode.

    "Not that he was a particularly NICE padawan, but he sure didn't deserve to die." Evel snapped back to attention.

    "That's not what happened!" Reese raised his eyebrows.

    "What?" Hearing movement in the next room, Reese quickly lowered his voice and tightened his shields, motioning for Evel to do the same. "What's not what happened?"

    "Reese, Xanatos didn't die." The other young man stared at him skeptically.

    "Yes he did, Evel. Xanatos was killed in the war on Telos. Everybody knows that." Evel shook his head sadly.

    "Everybody THINKS that, Reese. At least everybody ou
  11. Padawan Chiaru. Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Dec 28, 1999
    star 1
    *wipes dust of keyboard* wow long time no see. I haven't read Jedi dreams for ages.
    Great as usual Alli-Wan
    Sorry for my absance, my school is in a crisis zone. The stupid CEO is trying to close us down! Too many meetings and to much homework have kept me away.
    Keep us the good work Alli-Wan Jedi Dreams always puts a silly grin on my face.
  12. Jedi Gryph Grin Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 25, 1999
    star 4
    Excellent post Alli-Wan! I knew my patience would be rewarded.

    I'm glad your dream about your Mom was unfounded and she's OK.

    Keep up the great work, I can hardly wait for more.
  13. JediKnight-Obi-Wan Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 13, 2000
    star 5
    LOL That is soo funny. Great post AWK.
  14. Jaya Solo Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 12, 1999
    star 5
    Wonderful. Keep it up.
  15. Alli-Wan Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Dec 21, 1999
    star 3
    Greetings All,

    I had intended for this post to be the be Obi-Wan's response to the bully, but it went off on a weird tangent. (The last time that happened, I rambled on and on about moss. ) In any case, I hope you enjoy it. It's a little trip down Memory Lane for Obi-Wan instead. Enjoy. --AWK


    *******

    Obi-Wan quirked an eyebrow at the newcomer. (My mommie's bathrobe?) Not really having a "mommie" per se, he remained impervious to the intended barb. Not that he couldn't be insulted; he was human, and his buttons could definitely be pushed. Bruck had once said something rude about his master and they had nearly come to blows. But his mommie? He had a mother, yes, whom he barely remembered at all, much less whether she ever had a bathrobe or not. And he cherished those memories, but still, he would hardly consider her his "mommie". It was hard not to simply laugh back in the bully's face.

    He supposed it was a Jedi thing, really. Initiates were taken to the Temple at such young ages that emotional bonds to family usually faded to dim curiosity. Insults to one's mother which were usually flung by other young boys simply had no effect when the woman in question existed only as a vague concept. Garen once illustrated this odd initiate trait when the two of them had been on a field trip to an art museum at the same time as a class from a local public school. For some reason, the bully in their group decided a rather young and sheltered Garen Muln was an excellent target, and proceeded to throw insults and saliva-soaked paper at them. Being more accustomed to Force-enhanced bullies, young Garen and Obi-Wan were able to redirect the spit-wads with ease, and found the young man to be a bit of a nuisance. Nevertheless, the insults, while confusing, were certainly entertaining. Very entertaining, particularly since the boy seemed unaware they were from the Temple. Apparently he had mistaken them from some foreign, fiercely religious peasants.

    "Hey Bantha Brains! You're wearing your friend's clothes!" (All the initiates were dressed alike, and hand-me-downs exchanged hands rather quickly as they all grew. It was very likely, in fact that they were wearing the clothes of a friend. It was even kind of comforting.)

    "Oh, you're so-o polite. So-o nice. So-o goody-goody. They don't let you out of your temple much, do they?" (Actually, no they didn't. And mainly to keep them sheltered from the likes of this boy no doubt, not that he was proving to be much of a threat.)

    "You know, you're on Coruscant now, you little altar boy. If you get in trouble here, you'll be caught by the JEDI! Think you're tough enough for that? Huh? One little screw up and the Jedi will catch you so fast! Hah!" (And how was this different from every other day of their lives?) The boy had said this every time Garen and Obi-Wan had pressed their lips together, eyes shining, seemingly in distress. In truth, they were desperately holding in laughs. As if this boy could possibly make the masters more (or less) intimidating than they already were. For Force's sake, they had been lectured to by Master Windu. They had played marbles with Master Yoda! They LIVED in the Jedi Temple. It was hilarious! But the last desperate attempt of the bully, by far, was the best.

    "And your mother wears SENATE GUARD BOOTS!" The Senate Guard was the closest organization to a military in the immediate area. Judging from the tone the remark was delivered in, and the startled gasps of the bully's companions, Obi-Wan deduced this was indeed the worst insult their civilian counterparts could wield. ('Your mother wears Senate Guard boots?') Obi-Wan and Garen shrugged at each other in confusion. Garen, a bit younger than his friend, and unaccustomed to a bully's insults, much less to insults which needed to be deciphered, clearly seemed to be pondering how this nasty young boy (a). knew his mother, and (b). why he found Senate Guard boots to be so distasteful. Garen actually thought it quite practical of his mother to own such durable foo
  16. Lwyn`nya Kenobi Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Oct 19, 1999
    star 2
    <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Geneva,Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>"Bruck punched buttons. This kid wasn't even hitting the keyboard."

    *ROTFL* Oh my gawd, that was hilarious!!!!! MORE!!!
  17. JediKnight-Obi-Wan Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 13, 2000
    star 5
    *snicker* ROFLOL That kid really doesn't have ANY idea what he's up against. ROFLOL
  18. Jane Jinn Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 12, 2000
    star 5
    Another excellent post by Alli-Wan. I just love reading this because it makes me feel good all over. Now go, go, do some more!
  19. Jedi Gryph Grin Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 25, 1999
    star 4
    This story never fails to bring a smile to my face. Thanks so much for this Alli Wan!
  20. Alli-Wan Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Dec 21, 1999
    star 3
    Greetings!

    A post I have for you, one which I am sure has been long-awaited. (Okay, so you waited a little while.) I'm rather iffy about it, and I hope the characters come across well. If not, let me know, I'll revise. For now, enjoy. --AWK, Q of I

    ********

    Axin's jaw dropped. (How could he say that?) He was making fun of Obee-one's robe, his wonderful Jedi-brown robe. That wonderfully soft robe that Obee-one had wiped his face with but that was still scratchy enough not to be girly. (Oh, no.) Ev was going to be mean to Obee-one too. It wasn't fair! He was such a nice droid. He didn't even complain when Axin's tears got a little snot on the sleeve. (Though he did clean it off before lunch. He was a . . a protocol droid; he had to have good table manners).

    He looked up at the droid. Obee-one was casually gazing at Ev. Ev continued to sneer. Axin was worried. Ev was so mean and he hoped he wouldn't make his new friend cry. That would be terrible! It would be all his fault because if Obee-one had never met Axin, then he wouldn't be with him when Ev came around to be rude and nasty. Obee-one turned and gave him a strange look, with his eyebrow raised, then turned back to face the bully. What did it mean? Was he going to cry? (I would cry.) What do droids look like when they are going to cry? Do they raise their eyebrows when they cry to pump the tears in? Do they cry sea-drops like people, or do they cry oil?

    Do droids cry?

    "I'm afraid I haven't introduced myself properly. I am Obi-Wan and this is my robe." This time Ev raised his eyebrow. This stranger was not easily goaded. He'd had kids as old as this one quivering their chins with comments like that. This O-Bee-Wahn would be a challenge. With a name like O-Bee-Wahn, he had to be used to this stuff.

    "So, Ohhh-Beeee-Waaaahhhn, where are you from?" Ev elongated the name, adding a growl to it, which was not easy with so few consonants lending themselves to such. "A tree house on Kashyyk?" Axin stared at Ev in confusion. (Kashyyk?) Obee-one looked nothing like a Wookie. Wookies were covered with thick long hair like Kashbacca. (At least that's what Axin had heard, having never seen a Wookie before. . . thick long hair. Unless Mr. Master was a Wookie.) Axin knew that Wookies were big and strong and had long thick hair all over and didn't talk like normal people. Big, strong, hairy, and talked funny. Mr. Master was definitely a Wookie. He must be hiding the rest of his hair in Mr. Ganto's clothes. Did that mean Obee-one was a Wookie droid? No, he said it was hard to speak Wookie, (though it seemed pretty simple to Axin.) Maybe Mr. Master didn't buy him on Kashyyk, or he just didn't have that program.

    "No." Obee-one spoke slowly and calmly. Axin was awed. Even when Ev made fun of his name, his chin didn't quiver at all. "I am from Coruscant." Obi-Wan didn't bother to raise his eyebrow again, although he was starting to wonder whether it would stick that way if he did. (As if that's the first time someone made fun of my name.) As for the reference to Kashyyk, it was quite a nice planet, and if this kid was implying he was a Wookie, he ought to get his eyes checked. Not to mention his ears.

    Besides, he knew several Wookies who were much better conversationalists than this boy.

    Ev Loki pondered the strange boy. He had a funny accent. It didn't sound Core-ish like the anchors on the interstellar newsholos, but it sounded . . . sort of educated. Like he wasn't from the Rim either. Whoever he was, he sure didn't learn to speak on this planet. But Coruscant? No way! It was expensive to live there, so everyone who did was either really rich, or really poor. And he'd seen the images of the rich people who lived on Coruscant on the holoprojector. Anyone rich enough to live on Coruscant wouldn't be dressed like that, and anyone poor enough to dress like that wouldn't have enough money to come all the way out here. No way, it was definitely a bluff.

    "Ooh. If you're from Coruscant, do you work for the Ch
  21. Lwyn`nya Kenobi Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Oct 19, 1999
    star 2
    ALRIGHT!!!

    *lol* This poor little snot doesn't know that the 'helpless little kid in his mommie's robe' has faced off against Hutts, whipids, dark Jedi, and practically led a civil war to 'victory' (we'll call it that for now) Imagine how small this little brat would feel if he knew that before he took a swing at Obi-Wan?

    This should be great!! Obi-Wan's either gonna nonchalantly make him eat grass or feel as insignificant as grass! Either way, we're in for one heckuva ride!

    ((This snot should be counting his blessings. Qui-Gon could have taken Bruck as a Padawan, and we all know how much he hates being made fun of and how short his fuse is!))
  22. JediKnight-Obi-Wan Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 13, 2000
    star 5
    ROFLOL. Ohhh this is good. Very good. I can't WAIT to see what happens. That is not a nice cliff hanger!
  23. Bastet Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 30, 1999
    star 4
    Awesome! I loved that post, and the others I just read too. Your story always leaves me smiling. I love it!!!!
    Oooh baby, do we get to see Obi kick Ev's butt now? Can't wait!
    I love this story!!!!!
  24. Jane Jinn Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 12, 2000
    star 5
    Yes! And now all Obi-Wan has to do is lift a finger, and Ev will be on his backside in the dirt! Go! Actually, Obi-Wan's braid must have been pretty obvious. I wonder that Ev didn't want to yank it, too. I liked the way that Axin was prowling around, hoping to be able to turn the "protocoll droid" off by jumping up and pulling the switch! And the way that Axin decides Qui-Gon is a Wookiee! Excellent! More, soon, I hope!
  25. Ulrike Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Mar 8, 2000
    star 1
    It's so much fun to read this.

    TOP!
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