Jedi Dreams (Thread II): Critiques welcome as per usual

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction Stories--Classic JC Board (Reply-Only)' started by Alli-Wan, May 14, 2000.

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  1. Alli-Wan Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Dec 21, 1999
    star 3
    Sorry Jane Jinn, but it won't be that easy. You have to remember that Obi-Wan must keep a low profile, so no gratuitous displays of the Force.

    However, subtle displays of the Force are fair game.

    (Wish I knew what he was going to do. confused.gif ) --AWK
  2. mouse2 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 29, 1999
    star 4
    Its alright Alli-Wan. Bullies like Ev always get what they deserve. Always!

    Please don't let Axin get in the way and get hurt. (I noticed that he was running towards them the same time Ev was starting to swing.) I love how Obi-Wan answered all of Ev "questions" with a "certian point of view".

    Now please, we need more!
  3. Jedi Gryph Grin Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 25, 1999
    star 4
    Whooohooo!! Alli-Wan, that was so cool! I loved the introspection that Obi Wan went through when answering Ev's questions.

    Hey, join the club. Even I don't know what I'm gonna do from one minute to the next. Me and my sis (Mouse2) blame it on the Kool-Aid that our Mom gave us as kids...sweetened with Sweet 'N Low. We think it burned out some of our synapses. (actually, Mouse thinks it those darn pesky aliens again, but I'm betting it's the Sweet 'N Low).

    Patiently awaiting your next post!
  4. Alli-Wan Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Dec 21, 1999
    star 3
    Hmm. Methinks you liked the last post. Of course, who can resist young Obi-Wan the kni- err, padawan in shining armor, or cotton anyway. Don't worry, we'll get back to that soon. I'm glad you liked it thus far. For now, a short post. The Imac kept crashing.

    Sorry about the cliffhanger JKOW. I need to think the scene through more. Don't worry M2, Axin was only "sneaking faster." Obi-Wan hasn't lost site of his charge. JGG, Force, how much Sweet-and-Low is that? Does it come in boxes big enough? J/K LOL!

    Enjoy! --AWK

    ********

    Finally.

    It's sharp enough now.

    Good.

    I grin as I signal to Guff. Simple Guff, with his files and his tea. Such model efficiency. I can hear him coming already, quick as ever. Will this be the last time I call you like this Guff, or is this what I will do when you're finally. . . retired. Maybe that's how I'll do it. I'll kill you right here. Let you bleed all over the files, destroying all evidence with your death. Right here. I've been meaning to change the carpet anyway.

    You should have known better Guff. You knew what the retirement plan was when you joined. Heck, your first job was to remove the corpse of your predecessor. Tsk, tsk.

    Still, I will miss your efficiency when you are gone Guff. Eternally efficient, you arrive in record time, knocking at the door as timid as ever. Maybe I should reward you with efficiency myself.

    But I won't.

    "Ye-yes?"

    "Status?" Why else would I call you here Guff? To ask if you painted your toenails? To see if the lump in your skull has shifted to the other side?

    "R-roadblock t-teams have b-been set up on the major r-roads into the t-town and the p-p-port. If he is c-coming by groundcar, he will li-likely be f-found."

    Oh, we'll find him alright.

    "Th-the m-men have als-also taken posi-sitions in town and a-around the c-cruiser as you re-requested."

    Efficient to the last.

    "And the team? Are they ready?" There will be no foul-ups this time. The elite team is going with me.

    "They're w-waiting out-outside." Good. We will wait near the ship. The best of the best.

    The one's who truly know why we're here.

    The one's like me.

    The one's who got Dr. Geneticist's little recipe. Stupid little man. You were much safer when you were as dense as a dewback. Before you figured out what it was for.

    Pity. We could have gotten so much more out of you. You were the best.

    But you couldn't keep your mouth shut, and now we're going to see the fruits of all your labor.

    Can't fight destiny. Because now it's in the genes.

    You had to go and tell him, and now . .

    . . . now we get to kill him too.

    How long do you have to hone a blade until it is sharp enough to cut out the heart of a Jedi?

    Until it's sharp enough to avenge the scar of his sabre?

    It's been eight years.

    Long enough. Definitely long enough.

    And after I cut down their savior, and his newest little brat . . .

    Too bad about all the research. It will be awhile before we find another one as naïve as you, Gantos.

    Except for Guff here.

    "And where will you be Guff? With the sharpshooters?" Why is he shaking his head at me?

    "I-I was g-going t-to the 'Tr-treehouse' to c-c-co-ordinate the men." The 'Treehouse'?

    "Why there?" I need you here Guff. An extra gun in case they slip past us. A backup for my backup. You step back a bit, rattled by my wrath. Why are you startled? Ah yes, the knife. Better sheath it. Don't want to waste the blade on you . . . yet.

    "B-better c-comm system. B-besides, b-better guns t-too."

    "You won't be shooting for me Guff?" Oh, you cringe under my sneer Guff. It's going to be so much fun making you suffer.

    "Of-of c-course. I-I-I will. B-b-but the c-comm here is n-n-n-n-not s-s-s-suff-suff, adequate!"

    I've said it before; efficient to the last. I'm going to really enjoy your ship Guff.

    "Fine. Go." Run Guff, run. Too bad your death warrant is already signed. There's a price on your head. My boredom for your life. A fair trade.

    Oh yes. Lot's of fun. But 'Serenity's Treehouse'? No.

    'The
  5. Jedi Gryph Grin Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 25, 1999
    star 4
    ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!! I'm on the edge of my seat here!! ooh, ooh, ooh! THUD!! OW!! I'm looking up at the edge of my seat here!!

    Please post more soon Alli Wan, don't keep us in suspense!!
  6. Alli-Wan Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Dec 21, 1999
    star 3
    Greetings!

    LOL I see somebody liked the last post. Hee, hee. Actually JGG, your post really made me laugh. Sorry however, suspense is the name of the game, (at least for now).

    Plots are unfolding. I just hope it lives up to everyone's expectations.

    Enjoy!

    *******

    He felt like cursing. He really did. But he didn't. He wasn't a man who cursed.

    (Yes I am.)

    "Stars above and Stones below! IS THE WHOLE BLAZING GALAXY OUT TO GET ME TODAY?" The fuel station attendants turned to regard Putbil in shock. They didn't know him by name, only by reputation. The stoic, dour, ever-placid farmer. When the hail storm had come and ruined half the town's chaffa crop just before harvest three seasons ago, all he had said was ". . quite a storm." Did he actually just kick his tire?

    Putbil turned away from his "audience" and took a few deep breaths. Kashbacca cowered. Her master was not pleased at the moment. He was anxious for his neighbors, worried about his family, and he HATED to go to the Agricultural Corp.

    And now his groundcar had broken down. Could this day possibly get any worse?

    As his mind cleared, Putbil once again began to notice all the details of the town square. The planters just being filled with young seedlings. (They always looked like spittoons until the flowers grew in. Mainly because originally they were spittoons until the local chapel decided to plant flowers in them.) People still spat into them, but the flowers didn't seem to mind very much. He noticed the elegant white fence around the town hall. He noticed the kelps crossing the road, (but no jokes came to mind.) And he noticed a man with a broken nose. Next to a woman with a broken nose. Next to a teenager with a broken nose. Standing in front of the town hall, having a holo taken. And when it was finished, it turned out that the holographer also had a broken nose. (What in the Stars?) Putbil squinted harder. What happened to everybody's--

    He gasped suddenly as he felt a hand on his arm. (Kash! Good-for-nothing--) He turned fiercely, hoping to still thwart the danger, only to find a tall man. With a broken nose. Putbil drew back in horror. They were everywhere!

    "You seem to be having some trouble with your vehicle."

    "Yes." He barely was able to whisper, his throat was so dry. The man smiled.

    "Maybe we can help." He motioned over a young, broken-nosed girl with a kerchief on her head and a holocam on her belt and they both peered under the disabled groundcar's hood. And as they turned to show their profiles, Putbil realized to his relief that there suddenly hadn't been an epidemic of broken noses. They were all wearing brightly-colored sunscreen. Tourists?

    His gaze scanned the horizon, finally coming to rest on the spacedock in the distance. (Tourists! Of Course!) He'd heard about the pleasure cruiser stopping off for repairs on the airwaves during his now interrupted drive. For a town like this (on a planet like this), an unexpected cruise liner docking here was big, important news. Even if it was only because they were repairing the swimming pool.

    Finally calm, Putbil turned back to the vehicle. The man still had his head beneath the hood, but the girl was petting Kashbacca. The grilgehound's eyes were closed and her long tail was swishing back and forth. (Odd. Kash usually doesn't like strangers.) The man extricated himself and spoke.

    "Your hose slipped off. You need a new one, and some new coolant." Putbil frowned. That was indeed the problem. So simple. So easy to fix. (Why didn't I see it?) He shook his head. (Because I was too busy cursing the terra and the heavens.) He forced a grim smile.

    "Thank you. I should have known that. How can I repay you?" The man grinned broadly.

    "No need. Free of charge. Do you need help with the repairs." Putbil blushed.

    "Err, . . no. I think I just needed time to let, . . . the engine cool down." The tourist nodded knowingly. (Are vacations really that calming? Maybe I do need one.)

    "Of course. Solutions are always easier
  7. Jane Jinn Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 12, 2000
    star 5
    I wish I could make you laugh, too, Alli-Wan, but I can't, so I'll just settle for a few boring words. Excellent! Funny! I loved the part about the broken noses! Post more soon!
  8. Jedi Igraine Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Dec 20, 1999
    star 1
    Coming out of lurkdom for a bit to say this is still one of my alltime favorite stories. Keep up the good work and when are you going to get back to Obi and Axin.

    You left us hanging and my fingers are starting slip from the cliff face and from my vantage point it appears to be quite a long drop...

    Waiting with great anticipation for your next post.
  9. Jedi Gryph Grin Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 25, 1999
    star 4
    Hmmmm, another mention of the mysterious ploole nuts...what could possibly be going on there??

    I loved the broken nose part too!

    I'm safely strapped into my chair and awaiting more.
  10. mouse2 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 29, 1999
    star 4
    Another excellent post from Alli-Wan.

    More please!
  11. Padawan Chiaru. Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Dec 28, 1999
    star 1
    Yay for Alli-Wan! That part about the broken noses was so funny! Reminds me of a spac that
    my RE teacher had a couple of weeks ago.
  12. Alli-Wan Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Dec 21, 1999
    star 3
    Greetings All!

    Don't worry JJ, your words are far from boring (particularly in your fics). JI, I think I'm uncurling another one of your fingers from the cliff. Sorry. JGG, you were the first one to notice the ploole nuts, thus raising their importance in the story. Hee, hee. Thanks. cool.gif Thanks for the kind compliments M2 and PC. BTW, PC, what's an RE teacher? confused.gif

    In any case, thank you all for the continued support. --AWK

    Oh, on a side note, if anyone tried to write me on the AOL account in my profile, I hadn't checked it since January, and I know I lost messages, so please don't take it personally if I didn't write back. In any case, I can access it again, so if for some reason you have a urgent need to write me, I'll actually get the message. (Not that many of you needed to know. )

    Enjoy!

    ********

    "Axin doesn't know, does he?" Tebla looked at Zelle in confusion. (Know what?) Zelle nodded toward the window. "About Jinn and Obi-Wan. Being Jedi." Tebla shook her head.

    "No, he doesn't know. Master Jinn told Obi-Wan not to tell anyone, so he hasn't. Axin has no idea." Zelle tore her gaze from the two boys sitting on the porch talking, not noticing the boy across the yard.

    "Are you going to tell him after they're gone?" (After we're gone.) Tebla sighed.

    "I haven't decided what I'm going to tell him yet. About who they are. About why they are here. About where they are going." (About where you are going.) "I can't decide which is crueler. To tell him he's met his heroes after they are gone, or to never tell him at all." Zelle nodded. A very tough decision. Which outcome would be kinder? To know too late, or to live in blissful ignorance? Zelle's forehead wrinkled as a new thought came to her.

    "Are you sure he hasn't figured it out?" Tebla glanced up in surprise.

    "Figured it out? No, of course not. If he'd figured it out he'd be jumping and yelling and begging to see a real lightsabre instead of making Obi-Wan paint sticks." Zelle frowned in thought. She was remembering Jinn's last apprentice. Xanatos, the Pompous Prince of Telos. Son of a planetary governor and he acted like he was heir to the galaxy. Very different from this new boy. But like Jinn had said, he had hair like the last one (although a different color) and he dressed like the last one (but in smaller clothes of course). Zelle had assumed it was some sort of padawan uniform or something.

    "But Axin has those scrapbooks full of pictures of Jedi. Didn't he notice how our visitors were dressed?" Tebla started to laugh.

    "No, he didn't and I didn't either. Of course, he really only seen Master Jinn in his 'farmer disguise.' Are those Ield's old clothes?" Zelle gave her an affirmative nod and snort. "And I guess he never really thought of Jedi being Obi-Wan's age. Maybe he thinks Obi-Wan likes to play Jedi like he does. Besides, all the pictures he has are of the Knights and the Council and of the older students." Suddenly Tebla covered her mouth and began rocking back and forth in silent hysterical laughter.

    "Are you alright?" Zelle asked, alarmed. (Did They drug the water?) Tebla nodded emphatically.

    "You- ha-ha you'll never- ha-ha-ha-ha-ha believe what- hahahahahahahaha- what was in Axin's scrapbooks!" Having finally gotten her message across, Tebla lay her head on her arms in surrender, her shoulders shaking. Zelle leaned forward.

    "What? What's so funny?" Tebla took a few deep breaths before she was able to continue. Even so, she did not raise her head off the table.

    "There was this old- ha-ha-ha- picture of Master Jinn! He-he-he had the spiky haircut and the braid like Obi-Wan and- hahahaha- this goatee! And- hahahahaha- he couldn't have been more than twenty-two! It was so hilarious!"

    "Twenty-two?" Zelle struggled not to spit out her tea. "That man has never been twenty-two!" Both women laughed helplessly. It felt good to just sit here and gossip. To have her mind taken off her troubles. To imagine Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn at twenty-two.
  13. Jedi Gryph Grin Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 25, 1999
    star 4
    GGGGGAAAAAAHHHHH!! C'mon Alli-Wan!! You can't just leave it hanging there!! I gotta know what happens next!!

    **Gryph Grin flips a few ominous looking switches, a menacing look in his eyes.**

    "You will now witness the awesome power of my now, fully functioning...YEAST RAY!!!" Muahahahaha

    Post soon...or else!
  14. Ulrike Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Mar 8, 2000
    star 1
    AlliWan! You made me fall from the chair because I laughed so hard!
  15. epic Ex Mod

    Member Since:
    Jul 4, 1999
    star 7
  16. Jaya Solo Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 12, 1999
    star 5
    Hehe. Post soon! (Hopefully about Obi-Wan.)
  17. JediKnight-Obi-Wan Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jan 13, 2000
    star 5
    Cruel, absolutely cruel to leave us hanging like that. I LOVE the speculation about Qui-Gon's age. heheheheheh So funny.
  18. Alli-Wan Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Dec 21, 1999
    star 3
    Greetings!

    JGG! Power down the Yeast Ray! There will be no post until the Yeast Ray is turned off! (I'm a little too busy to try and blow up your Death Spore right now.)

    JKOW, glad you liked the last post, although I will admit, I think it was inspired by LD's "You'd Pick up Hitchhiking Jedi Too" thread where Deborah makes the comment about Qui-Gon only looking thirty-five. Hee hee.

    On that note, this post is thus dedicated to Lilith Demodae (whether she is reading this or not, as I probably should have dedicated the last post to her), Jane Jinn, for pointing out that Ev should have noticed Obi-Wan's braid too, (thanks Jane!) and Jedi Gryph Grin, who's recent posts have really made me laugh. Thanks for your loyalty, faithful readers.

    BTW, Po-po Goomb and Exa de Exa were in our story previously, (see the bottom of page 2 of the original thread if you don't remember them). It was a really brief, insiginificant part. Well, enough out of me. Iffy post ahead. Comments please! Enjoy! -- AWK

    ********

    Time slowed. With perfect clarity, Obi-Wan watched as his attacker swung, observing the slight arc with its subtle deviations as his attacker's untrained muscles twitched. In the distance, a small part of his mind noted the kelps changing positions in the field beyond the yard. At normal speed.

    (Oh, Force.) Time was still moving at the same rate it usually did. This kid was SLOW!

    When the stake was finally bare millimeters from causing a small laundry disaster, Obi-Wan hopped back lightly. The blue and green blur whistled by and Ev stumbled, unprepared for falling short of his mark. He glared at the stranger. Obi-Wan looked back mildly. Axin stopped, in awe. Obee-one avoided the lightsabre! How did he do that? Ev was so fast!

    "Afraid of my blade, mighty Jedi?" Ev swung again, and nearly fell over as Obi-Wan sidestepped him.

    "No. Fear is of the Dark Side." Obi-Wan frowned slightly. When his attacker stumbled, he had rapped the still-wet stake across his cheek and forehead, branding himself with faint blue and green checks. Whoever he was, he was not going to be very pleased when he tried to wash up later. Obi-Wan had had to use the Force to get the paint off his own fingers. Soap just wasn't sufficient. (Thank the Force we're not in the house!)

    "ERRRR!" Ev growled as he raised the stake high and swung down at the deceptively simple target before him. Obi-Wan ducked under the blade with ease and came up behind him. Ev started to sweat. This boy was as slippery as a river eel. He still hadn't made a solid hit. Stars, he hadn't even made a mushy hit. (How does he do that?)

    The sound of Ev's growl broke Axin from his stunned paralysis. He had to help Obee-one! His Padawam, err, -WON, was under attack by Sip Loki! (Well, real Sith, not Sip, were much bigger and scarier and lived in dark caves full of spiders and had warts and ate house roaches and didn't have mothers, but of all the people he knew who weren't Sith, which really was everyone he knew, Ev came the closest to actually being one.) And now he had Obee-one's lightsabre, and Obee-one didn't have anything! Axin stopped sneaking toward the duel and headed for his own lightsabre instead. He had to get it to Obee-one! Obee-one was amazingly fast for a droid, but if he kept going, he might overheat, or run out of oil, or his batteries might run low again. Then what would he do? Yes, Obee-one definitely needed a lightsabre, and he needed one NOW!

    Tebla and Zelle stared out the window at the developing . . . duel, though neither were entirely sure it could be called that. After all, only one of the competitors seemed to be fighting. Ev Loki was starting to breathe harder and his brow was getting the distinct sheen of sweat. On the other hand, Obi-Wan appeared to be slowly dancing around him. Far from building up a sweat, the young Jedi's clothes weren't even mussed. No, it really couldn't be called a duel. Obi-Wan moved like a kelphound, herding his charges with grace, but never actually using his teeth. Ev looke
  19. neri Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Apr 27, 2000
    Yay~ Obi-Wan is so cool! And so are you, Alli-Wan...that was a great post!

  20. JediKnight-Obi-Wan Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jan 13, 2000
    star 5
    That is SOOO funny. ROFLOL the (and he flipped)
    ROFLOL
    I love it.
  21. Jedi Gryph Grin Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 25, 1999
    star 4
    Holy hot-tamalies!! Alli-Wan, an outstanding post if I ever saw one!! Bravo!!

    <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Geneva,Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>And he flipped...

    Excellent, just excellent!!

    "Death Spore" hehehe, I like it.
  22. mouse2 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 29, 1999
    star 4
    I told you. People like Ev Loki always get what they deserve. Always!
  23. Jedi Igraine Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Dec 20, 1999
    star 1
  24. Jaya Solo Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 12, 1999
    star 5
    Wow. So great! ...He flipped!
    Post more!
  25. Alli-Wan Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Dec 21, 1999
    star 3
    Wow, a nice long post. I didn't realize how long it was until I spell checked it. Hopefully this will make up for making you wait all week.

    Just a little warning to JGG; if you fell out of your chair on that other post, you might want to buckle up for this one. Same issues at work here. Hope it meets your Yeast Ray standards.

    Enjoy! Iffy it is, so comments are appreciated. --AWK

    ********

    "See anything yet?" Smedsen turned to glare at his companion over his shoulder.

    "Yes Mr. KELP! I see the insulation. Lot's of it. I'm not even through the wall yet!" The large man gulped.

    "Sorry." Smedsen shook his head. His partner was bored. And depressed. (Guess I shouldn't have given away his ploole nuts.) Still, it wasn't his fault that his friend's talents lay in being strong and intimidating, rather than in setting up surveillance equipment.

    "Do you need any help?"

    "NO!" Smedsen took a calming breath. "No, I'm fine. Thank you." The last time he had 'helped' with surveillance they had both been forced run for their lives when a wall had been 'accidentally' punched through with a fist instead of a covert drill bit. (I'd better find something for him to do besides sitting there, looking threatening).

    "That Meegie took our thumbprints, and the food is all-you-can-eat. Why don't you go explore the ship for awhile? After all, the Boss gave us three days before he wants us to blow it up. I plan on enjoying them."

    "We can't enjoy the ship after we blow it up." Smedsen chuckled.

    "And while your at it, try to find the escape pods. The big ones."

    "Yeah, I don't like hitting my head in the little ones. Or sleeping on the tiny bunks."

    "We'll just have to somehow manage to drag your extra-long mattress to the pod without the Jedi Master noticing." The large man laughed.

    "Why don't we get the Dreselian to do it? He's always carrying stuff around." Smedsen paused. It was almost a good idea.

    "Yes, but then the Dreselian would get suspicious. He'll think we're mattress bandits." (Actually, they were mattress bandits in a way. They had stolen many mattresses in their time, particularly since mattresses had that nasty absorbent quality that made getting rid of the evidence so difficult.) However, there was some novelty he supposed in stealing a mattress solely for the purpose of sleeping on it until the escape pods were rescued. (Maybe we should put some blood on it anyway so we don't spoil our dastardly reputations.) Suddenly, the last bit of wall gave way. "Ha! Got it!"

    "You're in? Now what do you see?" Relief at having finally broken through the wall lightened his mood; he answered the question in a much less acid tone this time around.

    "Mostly plaster dust. Wait a second, then turn on the monitor." The giant complied.

    "It looks just like our room." He gasped as the picture shifted and he was suddenly staring at himself in bewilderment.

    "It is our room. I haven't threaded the probe through the hole yet."

    "Oh." Both men watched the screen with rapt attention as the images traveled up the wall and through the small hole into the next room. The next room, it turned out, did indeed look just like theirs. But no giant. Jinn was yet to arrive. "They're not here yet."

    "No," Smedsen agreed. "No luggage either. Nothing at--HUSH!"

    Slowly, the door to the room next door opened. It was, was, . . . Meegie.

    "Ooh. Meegie-cam."

    "Getting ready for our 'special guests'?"

    "I wonder if she had those little mints that go on the pillows."

    (Definitely a big escape pod.)

    The two men watched Meegie in silence as she straightened the sheets on the beds and turned down the covers, (adding the little mints to the delight of Mr. Kelp.) Smedsen had never known surveillance to be so much fun before. Meegie continued with her preparations, taking an elaborate personal comm system off the cart she had brought with her (must be the Jedi's room) and checking the channels. Swiveling the camera, Smedsen got a clear shot of the comm screen as she patched into the Republic Core Comm Syste
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