Jedi Dreams (Thread II): Critiques welcome as per usual

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction Stories--Classic JC Board (Reply-Only)' started by Alli-Wan, May 14, 2000.

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  1. Jedi Gryph Grin Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 25, 1999
    star 4
    Thanks for the warning Alli Wan, I got strapped in good and tight before reading.

    A thoroughly enjoyable post. I liked the details involved (mints on the pillows, hiding the probe behind the light fixture, the shot glass shootout, etc...).

    I can hardly wait to see what happens next!!
  2. Alli-Wan Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Dec 21, 1999
    star 3
    JGG, glad to hear you emerged from the last post unscathed. Heehee. I'll rin out of readers if they all keep falling out of their chairs.

    To all readers, I'll try to post more soon, but work is really heating up right now, so posts will be a little less frequent (as if you haven't already noticed.) tongue.gif In the meantime, I'll go home and try to dream up Axin's next misadventure. Thanks for your continued reading, and comments are always welcome. (Hint, hint.)

    --AWK
  3. mouse2 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 29, 1999
    star 4
    Okay Alli-Wan now I really want to know more about Guff and the ploole nuts.

    Although mre Axin is always welcome!
  4. Bastet Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 30, 1999
    star 4
    Those posts I just read were awesome!! I love this story! And thanks to that last post, I know more of what's going on. I want some of that 'Essence of Jedi' myslelf!
  5. Alli-Wan Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Dec 21, 1999
    star 3
    Greetings all!

    A post, at last. Just when you thought you'd never get to read another iffy post again!

    Enjoy. Iffy-ness abounds. Comments welcome as per usual. Will try to post this weekend. I promise. We are getting ever closer to actual . . . action. For now, Enjoy. --AWK

    ********

    "Wow-ow." Once again, Axin gaped in astonishment. Obee-one had . . . jumped over Ev. And he got back his lightsabre. How did he do that? He had never seen a droid jump like that before. Ever. He must have booster rockets like an astromech droid or something. Axin wondered why he didn't hear the booster rockets fire, but he guessed it would be rude to have loud booster rockets on a droid as polite as Obee-one. Still, being able to jump like that must come in handy when he delivered Mr. Florum's mail to his floaty-ring in the Senate. Axin had seen the floaty-ring on the newsholos, and Mr. Florum's always floated very high. Much higher than Obee-one had jumped now. (Maybe Mr. Master throws him first so he can get high enough). Yes, Mr. Master would be strong enough to throw Obee-one to Mr. Florum's ring. (So that's how Chance-lure gets his mail.)

    "Are you alright?" (Obee-one is asking Ev?) Axin couldn't understand why the droid would ask such a thing of the bully. After all, Ev wasn't the one who had just flipped over his attacker's head.

    "You . . . you . . . you . . . " (Oh.) Axin raised his eyebrows as the bully continued to mutter in monosyllables. Ev wasn't making a whole lot sense. No wonder the droid was concerned. Obee-one lifted his hand and sort of waved it at Ev.

    "There is nothing to fear."

    "YOU FLIPPED!" Ev squeaked, now trembling slightly. Obi-Wan rolled his eyes. (Will I never get that to work?) He turned to his charge.

    "Axin, maybe it would be a good idea if you got your mother. I don't think this boy is feeling quite right." Axin nodded and took off for the house. If Ev was squeaking, he definitely wasn't feeling right.

    As Axin scurried across the lawn, Obi-Wan scrutinized the boy before him. Obviously he was in some state of shock. In retrospect, Obi-Wan guessed having someone flip over you while saving you from possible blindness might be a bit out of the ordinary (and perhaps rather startling) to the more, . . . well, normal citizens of the Republic. He really hadn't thought about it as he did it, not only because it required him to be centered and one with the Force, but also because, other than the possible blindness part, having someone flip over him was a pretty typical event in his everyday life. And if this boy who was considered normal . . . reacted like this (there was a suspicious damp spot on his pants) . . .and the way Axin had been so fascinated with him . . . It was all starting to make Obi-Wan wonder if perhaps he himself was . . . odd. (Do they all think I'm that strange?)

    "MOM!" Axin's cry jerked Tebla from her paralysis. Zelle remained, eyes wide. (He flipped. The last one used to flip.)

    "Axin." She met him at the door. "Is Ev alright? Did Obi-Wan hurt himself?" (He could have broken his neck doing that!) Axin rolled his eyes.

    "Mom, Obee-one is fine. His rockets worked. Ev is acting funny." Much later, Tebla would replay this conversation and realize the implications of Obi-Wan having functional rockets, but for now the comment passed her by as she hurried out to check on the shell-shocked farmboy. Not to mention the fact that she was a bit overwhelmed with relief that Obi-Wan had not been hurt. She had seen Master Jinn with his apprentice, and had no desire to see his reaction should the boy be injured while under her indirect supervision.

    Ev continued to stare at Obi-Wan, now pointing an accusatory finger.

    "You flipped. You flipped. You're not supposed to flip." Obi-Wan was standing several feet away, his arms outstretched, palms raised in an effort to look non-threatening.

    "It will be alright. I won't do it again." He had long since given up any hope of calming the boy with the Force. Ev had decided to 'flip-out' himse
  6. JediKnight-Obi-Wan Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 13, 2000
    star 5
    ROFLOL that is SOO funny.
    The only thing he could forsee was that Ev would be damp for some time! heheheheh

    I love it!!!
  7. mouse2 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 29, 1999
    star 4
    You call that iffy? I don't think so!

    Post more please!
  8. Jane Jinn Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 12, 2000
    star 5
    So that's how the Chance-lure gets his mail! Excellent line! Wonderful idea! Iffy? Not a trace!
  9. Jedi Gryph Grin Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 25, 1999
    star 4
    No iffyness at all about that post Alli Wan! That was marvelous!!
  10. Jaya Solo Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 12, 1999
    star 5
  11. Alli-Wan Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Dec 21, 1999
    star 3
    Thanks for the reasurance everyone. As I stated before, I wasn't quite sure how to portray the bully, and in my experience, I haven't been around when such people in my life have gotten their comeuppance. Glad it was well recieved. Here's a short little post I tried to finish before it was time to roll the eggs. Almost did too. Enjoy. --AWK

    ********

    (He flipped. The little Jedi flipped. Just like the last one.) Zelle's unfocused gaze was directed toward the yard, but her mind did not see Tebla and the two young boys returning to the house. She did not see them gather up Axin's toys. She did not see them wipe their feet on the back mat (one only after a stern look from his mother), and she did not see the slight laughter in Tebla's eyes, the small triumph in the lift of Axin's chin, or the puzzled quality in Obi-Wan's frown. No. She saw another young man, . . . flipping. And dodging. And deflecting blaster bolts with a frown and a glint in his eye. A pompous boy, but far from foolhardy. Skilled. Trained for years. Almost a knight. Tall and strong. The door banged shut and Zelle winced before turning her pale face to the group.

    Obi-Wan looked so small.

    (What can he do? What if they come here? What can I do?) She stared at her now cold tea cup in disgust. (I'm being a fool. What if they come before he gets back? What if he doesn't--) With an effort, Zelle halted that train of thought, and returned to her present condition. For once, it was easier to berate herself than blame the Jedi. Because now she couldn't hate him. He was protecting Ield. She couldn't hate him now, and that only left herself to focus on.

    (What am I doing?) Here she had sat, happily sipping away at her temporary amnesia and laughing like a drunk. Tebla meant well, but, . . but what if they came? What if they came in through the windows again? What if they just came in through the door, or across the kelp field like that Loki boy had done? What if they just blast the house from its foundation from orbit? This home is of wood and stone, not parasteel. And they won't be satisfied with just the house. What if they blast the whole neighborhood, the whole town, the whole county? When will it be enough?

    And what if they took it? What if they did? Do they even need the sensors and the airwaves and the spies anymore? Do they just know? Does that garbage Jinn's always spouting really work? (Yes it works. You know it does. You've seen it.) She trembled, chilled. How much do they have? How well did it work? How many of them took it? Ield said there hadn't been enough for many, but he didn't know how much was enough. He didn't know what it would do to humans. Zelle remembered the rats. The special rats. Subtly different, in ways rats weren't supposed to be. If it did that to rats, what would it do to humans? And the higher doses?

    Zelle shuddered. Ield had been right. There was nothing they could do about it now. What was lost was lost. It might make them superhuman. It might give them monumental power. It might just make them nauseous. There was no way to know then. They had run.

    But there was a way to know now. (I'll know when they come. If I live long enough.)

    Her gaze traveled back to the little Jedi before her. (He does nothing. I sit here like this, trembling in fear, and he does nothing. Does he not see it? Is he that young, that incompetent, that insufficiently trained that he can't see that I'm sitting here, my heart about to burst from my chest, my breath in gasps, sweat icing my skin? Why can't he see it, when his master sees it almost before I do?) She continued to stare where his head had been before he left the room, looking at nothing, now that the focal point of her thoughts had gone. (Even they could sense my fear, could taste it.) And that had been before. Before they had it. Before she had run. Before they had had to leave some of it behind, because there was no way to retrieve it. No way to destroy it. No way to know where they hid it, how they used it, a
  12. Jedi Gryph Grin Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 25, 1999
    star 4
    Poor Zelle, I hope she eventually finds peace of mind.

    Excellent post Alli-Wan! As usual your story brightens my day.
  13. JediKnight-Obi-Wan Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 13, 2000
    star 5
    Ahh wonderful post. I like how Obi-Wan/little boy put Zelle to sleep.
    This is such a great story.
  14. Bastet Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 30, 1999
    star 4

    I love this story!!!!!!
  15. Alli-Wan Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Dec 21, 1999
    star 3
    Greetings. Another post. Must go turn eggs before I go home. Enjoy! --AWK

    *******

    Evel started as the "farmer" straightened himself quite suddenly. After a moment of observing Master Jinn's intent, introspective expression, he realized the master must have felt some disturbance in the Force. (Sith, I must be rusty!) Even after centering himself, he couldn't feel a thing, even though it was clear his superior was still contemplating some sort of continued fluctuation. (What's out there?)

    [Padawan?] They really were too far apart for true telepathic communication, but he had sensed . . . something from Obi-Wan. He had used the Force, a bit strenuously (hence Qui-Gon had sensed it, even at this distance) and there seemed to be some sort of distress, but it wasn't coming from Obi-Wan exactly. (Are they there?) He waited several moments. [Padawan?] He called again with a little more urgency.

    [(Reassurance. Okay now.)] Whatever distress he had sensed was resolved now. (Zelle.) The Force surge he had felt along their bond must have been Obi-Wan trying to calm her with the Force. Without realizing it, he gave his head a rueful shake. (Poor Obi-Wan.) No wonder it had taken the boy so long to respond. He needed a moment to recover. Such techniques were not his forte, though expertise in such a thing was hardly to be expected in one of his tender age. Mind manipulation was a difficult thing, even more so for Obi-Wan considering his often-tenuous grasp of the Living Force. The boy could mind-push well enough (actually he could do it very well, which had rather startled Qui-Gon the first time he had seen Obi-Wan perform "Force-assisted persuasion.") It was the one, and only thing about the boy that still reminded actively him of Xanatos; he possessed a skill that enabled him to greatly manipulate others. However, unlike his previous apprentice who had reveled in this power, the ability to influence minds and bend wills rather frightened his apprentice, thus he rarely used it. Yet despite this one talent, Obi-Wan's more subtle mind-manipulation abilities were somewhat lacking. It was rather arduous task to alter another's mental state when one had difficulty reading it in the first place. And if Zelle had grown agitated enough not only for Obi-Wan to notice, but also for him to attempt to calm her with the Force . . . Qui-Gon grimaced mentally. (We had best be getting back. NOW.) He turned to the teenaged boy before him.

    "Evel, wasn't it?" Evel blanched.

    "Ye-yes sir, Master Jinn, sir." Qui-Gon suppressed a wince. He wasn't actually trying to be intimidating. He just seemed to have this . . . effect on people. Normally he attributed it to his height. (Then again, considering his age, the last time we probably met, I most likely was much less pleasant.) Yes, he was downright crabby two or three years ago when these boys would have still lived in the Temple. Or if not crabby, certainly depressed and disagreeable. Since becoming Obi-Wan's master he had learned that he had also been a bit . . . scary, at least to the young initiates. While he planned on keeping his stoicism, he was working on his, well, scariness. He smiled gently.

    "Where is Dr. Gantos?" The boy relaxed slightly. Very slightly.

    "Right this way." (Force, was Obi-Wan this nervous around me?) If so, his apprentice shielded better than he had realized.

    Still trembling slightly, Evel led the master to the back lab. Ield and Reese had their heads stuck in some sort of scientific instrument, performing some intricate measurement or analysis by all appearances. Neither noticed the Jedi towering over them. Qui-Gon schooled his voice, hoping to express his urgency while sounding neither impatient, nor intrusive.

    "Ield, we must be getting back soon." Despite his caution, Ield still jumped. The scientist whirled to face him.

    "What's wrong? Are they there? Did something happen?" Evel and Reese stared at each other with growing apprehension. Reese suddenly had the distinct feeling that Ield would not return from wher
  16. Jedi Gryph Grin Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 25, 1999
    star 4
    And the tension builds...tension, tension, tension, tension...AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE...AAAAAAAAAHHHHH

    Please post more soon Alli-Wan!
  17. Jaya Solo Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 12, 1999
    star 5
  18. Alli-Wan Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Dec 21, 1999
    star 3
    LOL JGG. Glad you liked it too JS. Also glad the tension building was noticed. (I was worried it was only getting tense in my head.) More fun with Guff and Sinew. Enjoy! --AWK

    *******

    {You're here. You made it.}

    "Yes," Guff replied dryly, his attention already focused on the massive communication terminal, which took up most of one side of the cockpit. Slowly, the sensor screen came to life, displaying positions of the men in the town, the port and throughout the countryside.

    {Shall I pour you that tea now?} Sinew stared at his friend in concern. Guff's focus was reaching its peak. (Couldn't he have told me what was going on and then focused?)

    "No, thank you. I'm not thirsty." Without turning around, Guff pulled on a sophisticated headset and began twisting dials and punching in sequence codes. (Not thirsty?) Sinew punched a button on his own console, sealing the soundproofed cockpit doors.

    {Kashyyk to Guff, Kashyyk to Guff. We are not talking about cups and crumpets here.}

    "Huh?" After a moment Guff came out of his . . . trance. "Oh, s-sorry Sinew. N-no, we're n-not leaving y-yet. The p-plan hasn't ch-changed." Sinew nodded, glad to finally have his now distractible friend's attention. "We j-just n-need to be read-y t-to leave at-a moment's no-notice."

    {They STILL don't know where he is?} Guff gave him a slightly miffed look.

    "I w-was t-trying to fi-find out when you inter-interrupted me." Sinew was unfazed by the just slightly acid tone.

    {Yes, you may have been. But would you remember to tell me when you did?} Guff sighed. Probably not.

    "I s-see your p-point. L-let me sh-ow you w-what we're look-looking at. . . Before I f-forget." Guff gestured to the screen above. "G-green are th-the men. R-red points are j-j-just the p-people in t-town. W-we are h-here in the cen-center--"

    {Close to the runway.}

    "Y-yes. No sh-ships in the w-way."

    {How convenient. And I suppose you had something to do with that?}

    "I m-may have h-ha-hacked into th-the spaced-dock comp-uters."

    {Arrowhead tongue AND nimble fingers of lightning.} Guff blushed.

    "Th-thank you, I th-th-think." He turned back to his console, grinning. Sinew growled mildly. "B-back to b-business. The l-large gr-green sh-apes are ou-our sh-ships, the r-red are ev-evry-everyone else's, j-just like the pe-people." Sinew nodded. He'd figured as much, but he still listened carefully. While Guff was fairly logical and straightforward most of the time, every once in awhile he did something for reasons which only made sense to him. "The large yellow shape is the pleasure cruiser."

    {Thus all the men are lounging around it.}

    "Yes, and pr-prob-ly falling asleep i-i-in the af-afternoon s-sun. The r-red dots fur-further ou-out, along the ro-roads are the sur-surveillance t-teams. I-if they spo-spot Jinn, we sh-should be able to t-track him from h-here. I g-gave th-them ho-ho-homing beacons l-linked on-only to th-this sh-ip."

    {An elegant bit of work.} It was.

    "Hmm?" Sinew shook his head. Guff was already headed back to that very focused place in his mind. Soon pleasant conversation would just have to wait for deep space.

    {But you're forgetting one thing, oh Brilliant One. What if we don't see him? What if he slips under all of our noses?}

    "That's why you made the tea early."

    {Ahh.} Once again, Sinew checked the engines. They were still at readiness. {The pot is hot and the water is boiling. But still, what if he does? He is a Jedi Master, after all?}

    No answer.

    {Now you're not worried about them not finding him? After all this fuss this afternoon? What if they don't find him?} It would all be so much easier if they didn't find him, wouldn't it? They're distracted enough looking now, was a big diversion really necessary?

    "They'll find him Sinew. Very soon." Sinew scrutinized the small man hunched over the controls, knobs twirling and lights flashing. Calm, cool and collected. And certain. A dangerous state. The traps were set, displayed above him. Now the only thing missing was the prey.

    "Ve
  19. mouse2 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 29, 1999
    star 4
    Alli-Wan you can't leave it like that! You have to post more!!! You're giving me tension torture!
  20. Jaya Solo Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 12, 1999
    star 5
    I can post again! So can you. (Hint, hint) Great story!
  21. neri Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Apr 27, 2000
    Yes...please post more! Those posts were great but we need to find out what's going to happen!

  22. mouse2 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 29, 1999
    star 4
    I want my Axin!
    ...or Obi!
    ...or Guff!
    ...or ploole nuts!
    ...or...waitaminute...a post! Yeah! A post!

    Give us a post Alli-Wan!
    please
  23. Alli-Wan Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Dec 21, 1999
    star 3
    Greetings all. Sorry, I had a post last night, but the server was incredibly whiny and tempermental, so I gave up and went home. This post is rather iffy, so do let me know. In any case, sorry about the delay and enjoy! --AWK

    *********

    "Are you alright?" For the third time in less than fifteen minutes, Tebla found herself asking the same boy this same question. Although this time she really meant it. After he had helped her half-carry, half-drag Zelle to the couch the young Jedi had flopped down beside the prone woman and closed his eyes, uncharacteristically pale. She touched his brow in concern, growing more alarmed as she felt his slightly clammy skin. "Do you want me to call your master?" (Not that I have any idea how to contact your master.) Gooseflesh rose on her arms as she realized why the boy hadn't tried this tactic with Ev.

    Obi-Wan shook his head slightly. He would be fine; he just needed a minute. Besides, his Master would likely be 'calling' him soon enough. He grimaced. Jedi were often required to be a calming influence, sometimes through their actions, and sometimes through the Force. This was a skill he needed to master for himself. (What kind of negotiator will I be if I pass out amidst squabbling diplomats?)

    [(Concern.)] There it was.

    "Fine, . . Master." He groaned inwardly, realizing as soon as he had said it that his attempt to send his message had been less than successful. ('There is no try.') He really didn't want Qui-Gon to worry. Taking slow, deep breaths, he began to center himself, regaining his concentration and his connection to the Force.

    Tebla gasped as she overheard him. She had gone to get him a glass of water (having only the slightest inkling as to what was wrong, Tebla felt that water at least couldn't make him any worse, and was an appropriate treatment for all ills except drowning) thinking he would be alright for a moment. (Did he change his mind, or is he delirious?) She knelt down next to him and felt some slight relief as he opened his eyes and accepted the glass shakily. Trying to soothe him, she ran a hand through his short hair, also noting that his complexion had improved slightly and the sweating seemed to have stopped.

    Gratefully, Obi-Wan sipped the water. Cool, but not cold. Refreshing. Vaguely he wondered if it was Ield's therapeutic well water. He closed his eyes again, breathing deeply. (Almost there.) His hands grew steady and he took another sip, smiling slightly, as Tebla's gentle hand reminded him of Qui-Gon's whenever he got sick. (Breathe.)

    "Are you sure you don't want me to call your master?" He was looking much better, but his continued silence was really starting to worry her.

    [(Urgent concern.)] Obi-Wan raised a hand to acknowledge her while he attempted to answer his master again.

    [We're fine now. Don't worry. Everything is fine.] This time is worked. He sighed silently as he felt a faint pulse of relief and affection. (Good. He's not still worrying.) He opened his eyes. Tebla was still looking at him anxiously, skin pricked with fear. He had been sitting there, soundless and motionless, with a blank expression. Normal Jedi behavior, not normal healthy boy behavior. He lowered his hand to her arm, and gestured with the water glass.

    "Thank you, no. He just called." He tried to smile reassuringly. Tebla blinked.

    "So, you'll be alright then?" He nodded, taking another deep breath.

    "Yes, I will be fine."

    "Did you hurt yourself?" She was a mother, and this boy, though not her flesh and blood, had to a small degree been left under her care. She was the oldest person here still capable of conscious thought, after all. She would not feel true relief until she was absolutely certain he had not been harmed. And the thought of a Jedi being harmed made her blood run that much colder.

    "No. It just takes a lot out of me to do that. I'm not as strong as my master." Tebla nodded, remembering the seeming ease with which his mentor had calmed both her and Ield. He hadn't seemed the slightest fat
  24. Alli-Wan Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Dec 21, 1999
    star 3
    Just trying to make the post pop up.
  25. Jedi Gryph Grin Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 25, 1999
    star 4
    I just love Guff, dunno why, what a great character!!

    Hmmmm...'essence of Jedi' and ploole nuts...the mystery thickens.

    Please post more soon before I become a raving lunatic...ok...before I become more of a raving lunatic.
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