Saga Jedi Scum (Obi/Ani/Palpatine/Yoda) for Kill Jinn Challenge

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by dianethx, May 13, 2006.

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  1. dianethx Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 1, 2002
    star 6
    Title: Jedi Scum
    author: dianethx
    Summary: Supreme Chancellor Palpatine is not amused that Qui-Gon Jinn survived Maul's attacks. But he has more important things to think about, like how to get his hands on the Chosen One before the Jedi steal him away.
    Characters: Palpatine, Yoda, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Anakin Skywalker
    Timeperiod: TPM
    Genre: AU, drama, vignette
    Notes: For the Kill Jinn Challenge. I'm playing with first person POV. Palpatine is not very nice.

    **************************************************

    Maul had failed. The useless fool.

    If he wasn't already dead, I'd have killed him myself.

    All of that training wasted - my endless hours of molding the Zabrek into the perfect killing machine, of warping him into a ravening beast of corruption and death, was gone in a single mediocre slice of antique weaponry. And by a young, ill-trained Jedi at that. The thought was maddening.

    But I could not let my fury show. After all, as newly appointed head of the Republic, Supreme Chancellor Palpatine would have nothing but the utmost regard for the oh-so-virtuous guardians of peace and justice, the most high Order of Jedi Knights. Those pathetic insects who even now did not know that their greatest enemy was among them. Buffoons, the lot of them.

    Now, the greatest buffoon of them all, that old nert'e slime Yoda, was staring at me with those huge glistening eyes of his and a puzzled frown on that grotesque face. He looked as if he was smelling something bad. I had to admit that he always looked that way. Perhaps it was that noxious goodness that he immersed himself in, the sweet cloying taste of righteousness that he kept prattling on about, intonations of how the darkness had been swept away in the Jedi's triumph over the powers of evil.

    Simpering toad. If there was anything to smell, it was more the stench of death that hung like a smoky cloud here in the hallway of the Healer's ward: the metallic taste of blood in the air, the sulfurous odor of a cauterized lightsaber wound, the medicinal taste of bacta - the way the Darkness swirled into dusty corners and waited for the right moment to strike. Delicious and so very satisfying.

    If Yoda didn't like the smell of decay, he could go back to his shining towers and green fountained gardens and leave the real universe to those with the power and intelligence to use it. Jedi scum.

    But instead of enjoying his death-throes at the end of my lightsaber, I had to stand here and listen to the green slug drone on and on and try to make him believe that I was on his side. Or else he'd be watching me and interfering with my plans.

    I certainly didn't need the head of the Order questioning my every move. It would make it difficult to arrange things. So it was time to push the old cretin in another direction.

    Turning toward the Jedi, I put on my best politician's smile and, with a sweep of one hand and a showy bow, I was all sincerity. It was almost laughably easy to sound as if I was concerned. "Master Yoda, I must say once again that I am most humbly in your debt for saving my homeworld. Without the bravery of your Jedi Knights, it might have ended very differently."

    I almost choked on my own lies, trying not to enjoy the smooth way they tripped off my tongue. But Yoda didn't blink, seemed to take in my honeyed words and believe them truth. He was really quite the fool.

    "Their duty it was. Master Jinn and young Kenobi, give their lives they would to save the Republic."

    I tried not to laugh. Instead, nodding sagely, I gave my best impression of someone who cared about the two who had destroyed my apprentice and ruined my plans. "Thankfully, they both survived the encounter with that disgusting creature. I know that Jedi Kenobi went unscathed but I can only hope that Master Jinn will recover from his wounds."

    Yoda closed his eyes. I could feel him trying to search the swirling confused currents of the Force, looking for guidance. But there was no clarity here. The pain of those w
  2. Valairy Scot Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Sep 16, 2005
    star 5
    How marvelous and utterly, totally absorbing, showing what a scumbag Palpy was. So much I could quote...

    Yoda closed his eyes. I could feel him trying to search the swirling confused currents of the Force, looking for guidance. But there was no clarity here. The pain of those who suffered through the Trade Federation's invasion of their world had muddied everything, sending waves of Darkside debris to mingle with the Light - until all was a foul stream of contamination.

    and this:
    Sometime during the night, there had been a great disturbance in the Force. Death had visited the Healer's ward but that would be nothing new. It was a constant companion there and I often visited the local hospitals to give aid and comfort to those unfortunates who had little time to live. It was great fodder for the holovids in my rise as politician. And it had an added benefit - the suffering of those dying fools were so very pleasurable in the twisted currents of the Dark.

    And now one more poor unfortunate had joined the Force, a little earlier than expected.

    His death agonies had been particularly fierce. I don't like to leave things like that half done and since Jinn was strongly Force-sensitive, he broadcast his torment so beautifully. When I hit the pain centers in his brain with little pops of Dark energy, his body writhed and undulated like some kind of demented droid, his arms and legs jolting chaotically. He was awash in pain as every nerve in his body fired all at once. Lovely.

    Unfortunately, I couldn't prolong it too long, much as I would have liked to have him my plaything for a while. He kept screaming, glorious music in its harsh bloody noise. I drank in his shrill cries, enjoyed it most thoroughly, so much so that I lingered, listening to the delightful melody of prolonged torture.

    But finally I knew I had to end it. Someone was coming and fast. One quick twist of my wrist and his heart collapsed. The screams turned to gurgles and then to one final sigh and it was done.


    I shudder, and I bow before the master of description, pain and agony. Truly a horrific (in a good way) story.
  3. Healer_Leona Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Jul 7, 2000
    star 9
    Whoa!!! :eek: :eek:

    I've alwyas disliked Palpatine and this fic has given me tons more reason to. First person inside his head was horrific indeed. You really pulled no ouches when showing us thre real vileness of this sith.

    Bravo Diane! =D= =D=
  4. VaderLVR64 Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Feb 5, 2004
    star 8
    Wow! :eek: There was so much I loved in this. I am once again amazed at your talent. =D=

    I was still human enough to feel the slightest twinge of sympathy for the child. I swung around and looked at the Jedi, cold contempt and astonishment in my voice. "An internal....our young pilot here should be rewarded for his bravery, not discarded like day-old trash. I will talk to your Council about it."

    The boy had been watching us both battling over his future and now he spoke up, his young face still quivering with fear and the loss of his dreams. "Won't do any good, Sir. They don't like me much."


    I wanted to cry for Anakin here! :_| And then later for Qui-Gon, especially when Palpatine talked about how beautifully he broadcast his torment into the Force. :_| [face_devil] Seriously evil and gripping response to the challenge!
  5. anakin_luver Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 26, 2005
    star 5
    Oh. My. Gosh.

    That touched me. I thought I was a Sidious fan before, but now, now I'm beyond a fan!

    Simpering toad.

    Too good!

    But there was something else that was different about him and it took me a few moment to realize what it was and when I did, I was astonished. His braid was gone. The fools had promoted the bumbling idiot.

    I guess they were really scraping the muck off the floor if they thought Kenobi should be a knight.


    Oh god Palpatine, you kill me.

    And when that time comes, in blood and betrayal and death, together we will wipe out the Jedi.

    Forever.


    That left me kind of cold inside...I'm a bit scared to tell you the truth.

    Your description of how Palpatine viewed the Dark Side, him constantly manipulating Anakin's mind, and his thoughts on the Jedi were perfect. Every sentence, every word drew a picture of Palpatine in my mind.

    This is absolutely beautiful. Awesome, awesome job dianethx

  6. LuvEwan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 24, 2002
    star 4
    Amazing. I think you really captured his superior ability to manipulate, coming across as a generous, kindly uncle to Anakin while all these cold, calculating thoughts are running through his head. He's able to read people so easily, understand what makes them tick, and thus, what can move them. He did it with Anakin, using his mother and his fledgling pride when it comes to being rejected by the Jedi. He detects human frailty, human emotion, but it's clear he himself is an outsider to all of it.

    The description of Qui-Gon's death was sharp and visceral. Palpatine recalls it very calmly, even as he's mentioning the screams of pain and the blood.

    The last scene was absolutely perfect, really stirring. The future for them all seems even worse than in canon. Qui-Gon suffered more, Obi-Wan seemed to lose the one bit of light and hope left in his life, and Anakin will surely come to darkness and torture at the hands of Palpatine.

    Incredible characterization, diane. Your word choice is always surprising, beautiful and memorable. One of the best things you've written. =D=
  7. PadawanKitara Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Dec 31, 2001
    star 5
    That was absolutely brilliant! This is the best Palpy POV I have ever read. You made me shiver with his supreme creepiness, laugh (at his need to kill off his secretary in order to shut her up) and be left nearly speechless by his clever manipulations.
  8. JediVegeta Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Dec 20, 2000
    star 4
    This was excellent. I really enjoyed reading it and you wrote Palpatine very well, in all his evil, corrupt glory. I was hoping beyond all hope that Qui would survive, but I read the challenge and got real sad :( . Also, the discriptions there (Qui-Gon's death) was written well.

    On another note, seeing how he would have a greater influence on Anakin at a younger age was disheartening. No clue if there would be chance for redemption now...

    I also got annoyed when Palpatine kept butting in whenever Obi was trying to talk to Anakin. On some level I wanted Obi-Wan to let go of Jedi restraint and punch Palpatine :p. J/K

    In the end, great story! Nice insight into the Sith's thoughts. :)

    Keep it up!



  9. ___Sithspawn___ Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Aug 17, 2004
    star 3
    Evil, Evil Sidious. Amazing point of view - very creepy, very intelligent. His thoughts ooze malevolence - definitely feels like Palps.

    I love how he interacts with Obi-Wan and how he gets close to Anakin. Scheming b*****d.

    Qui-Gon's death was goosebump-inducing.
  10. Ladynaye Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    May 24, 2005
    star 4
    That was awesome. Please make a sequel!
  11. Opal Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 17, 2003
    star 4
    Fantastic! You had slimy old Palpatine down perfectly in this one.

    I agree that there should be a sequel.
  12. ardavenport Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Dec 16, 2004
    star 4
    In the DVD of ROTS in the commentary track, George Lucas chuckles during the big battle between Sidius and Yoda, and exclaims, "He's just so evil!" Yeah, you write Palpatine just so evil.:eek:=D= Even his clothes are evil. But here he's especially evil when he kills Qui-Gon. :_|
  13. Ara-gon Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Dec 31, 2005
    star 2
    [face_hypnotized] :_|

    Oh, that was just--terrible! I mean, the writing was spectacular, but the content was--agonizing! Evil, nasty Palpatine, who is so deliberate in his manipulations, so willing to inflict misery in order to benefit himself. Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad man!

    But, now you've killed Jinn! So maybe this means he won't have to die in "Betrayal"? [face_praying] Although I did catch your use of the word betrayal at the end of the story . . .
  14. whie_dreams Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jul 30, 2005
    :eek: Holy Force monkeys! That was evil! But too :cool: !


    Brava!! @};-
  15. Layren Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 28, 2003
    star 5
    Truly brilliant Diane. I am still lost for words. I'm never going to be able to watch the end of TPM the same without thinking of this vig. It's just too close to how things might have been. Excellent job with the challenge.
  16. KELIA Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Jul 26, 2005
    star 6
    WOW - that was brilliant.

    You really captured the very essence of Palpatine's evil - very chilling.

    Great job on this

    =D= =D= =D= =D=
  17. hyperspace_police FanForce CR Arkansas US

    Chapter Rep
    Member Since:
    Jun 22, 2005
    star 4
    Love how you captured Palpy's evil mind...

    (and that's my favorite part of him...)

    Very well done and a great answer to the Kill Ginn challenge...

    Wow.=D=
  18. dianethx Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 1, 2002
    star 6
    Valairy_Scot ? Thanks so much. I was aiming for scum bag and I'm glad it came across. He's really quite evil.:p LOL on the master of description. I do love that stuff. Glad you enjoyed it.

    Leona ? Palpatine is quite an evil monster and I wanted to show that, even though he looked like a grandfatherly type on the surface, underneath he was pure slime. :eek: Thanks.

    VaderLVR64 ? Thanks. I really felt bad for Anakin. Poor kid thought he was doing the right thing not realizing that his life would be hell once the Sith Lord got his hands on the kid. :_| Thanks. I enjoyed the challenge even if poor Qui-Gon had to die in it.

    anakin_luver ? Ah, a Palpy fan. Well, here he is in all his slimy glory. :eek: Manipulating, killing, being an all around Sith. Thanks about the perfect. I wasn't really sure that I had caught him well but since you really are a fan and I've done him justice in your eyes, that's good enough for me. Thanks.

    LE ? Your reviews are always a treat. I must admit that I love to read your reviews almost as much as your stories. They are so full of beautiful language that no matter who you are reviewing, I just have to stop and read. [face_love]
    I'm glad that his true slimy nature came across. I was a bit worried about having to show how he was reacting all the while thinking thoughts that were completely at odds with his demeanor. I guess it must have worked, thankfully. I see him as the ultimate manipulator and to do that, he needs to understand and be able to subvert human nature to his own ends. As with Qui-Gon's death, he is always above the masses and twisting everything for himself.
    As for what happens next, if I were going to do a sequel which I am not, Anakin would be stolen away once the Jedi were gone and tormented until he went mad with anger and hatred. Then as he grew up, he'd go after Obi-Wan, blaming him for leaving Anakin behind. But that's just a backstory. I usually do that with most of my stories ? even the drabbles. Thanks. You are lovely to say.

    Kitara ? Wow, that's wonderful. I'm glad you liked it so much. Palpy was fun to play with but I must admit that I was getting creeped out by him. Thanks so much for reading.

    JediVegeta ? Thanks. Palpatine is the ultimate bad guy. I remember watching ANH for the first time and thinking Vader was the evil one but when ROTJ came around, I realized that it was Palpy all along. Sorry about Qui-Gon but he had to die in this one. I don't like to kill him off if at all possible but this time?
    Yes, there would be no chance at redemption at all. At least with canon, he had Luke to pull him back into the Light but here he never really learns about the Light, only darkness once Palpy gets his hands on him. Poor kid.
    LOL about the annoyed and Palpy butting in. I'm sure Obi-Wan wasn't happy about being taunted and then when Qui-Gon dies... It's not a happy ending this time. :(
    Thanks.

    _Sithspawn_ - LOL. Even Sidious indeed. The man just oozed slime. Always manipulating, always getting what he wanted by twisting the truth into lies. He's a great character.
    As for Qui-Gon's death, I didn't want to do it but I figured Palpy would want to enjoy it and find ways to kill him with as much pain and suffering as possible. Darn Sith. :mad:
    Thanks for reading.

    Ladynaye ? Unfortunately, I rarely write sequels. I'm currently writing one that's already 250 page long and I swore I'd never write a sequel again:( . But thanks for asking.

    Opal ? Thanks about the slimy Palpy perfection. LOL. He is really quite an evil person. I needed a shower after writing him. Sorry, no sequel. :p

    ardavenport ? He is just so evil. LOL. I bet George had a good time writing him. LOL. And he's especially evil when killing off Qui-Gon. Thanks.

    Ara-gon ? thanks about the writing. Glad you clarified it so I didn't think you thought my stuff was awful, just Palpy. [face_batting] He is one evil guy. He can
  19. raisedbywolves Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jul 1, 2005
    star 2
    Wow, diane! A truly evil viggie, I loved it. It was frightening how well Palpatine played Obi-Wan and Anakin against each other. What a slimy creep he is *shiver*

    And I'm very glad to hear you've started the next chapter of Betrayal :)

  20. Princess_Arulmozhi Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Nov 16, 2004
    star 4
    For someone who really loves Qui-Gon, you've managed to kill him marvelously. <shudders> :eek: I'm still feeling blue, at that description of his dying agonies. Trust Palpatine to truly enjoy something like that. And the way he manouvres Anakin is so beautifully done - it made me want to claw his eyes out, and yell, "Don't fall for all that smooth talking, Jedi!" - but it was so realistic that I had this impresison of being strapped in my seat, able to do nothing. That helpless feeling is well-etched. You're marvelous with the descriptions, and in setting a scene up so the reader completely falls into it.

    Bravo. =D=
  21. dianethx Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 1, 2002
    star 6
    raisedbywolves - thanks so much for reading. I really enjoyed writing Palpatine. I don't understand why I seem to like writing villians. :p
    As for Betrayal, yes, I'm working on it but it's like the Darth Iceberg of writer's block. Having a horrible time getting around it. I will eventually but I might have grandkids by then. [face_worried]

    Princess_A - I do adore Qui-Gon. If you notice, I never really had him say anything. That way, it was more distant, so that the horrible things done to him didn't seem quite so real.
    As for Palpy, gotta love the slimy cretin. He's such a manipulator, bar none. Thanks about the helpless feeling. I was going for just that sensation. So glad that it came across. As for setting up the scene, I do like to make sure it feels realistic - that way, you're less likely to see the mistakes. [face_batting] Thanks. :D
  22. QuiGonGal Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Oct 22, 2005
    That was...........wonderful!=D=
  23. Darth_Abtranor Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    May 30, 2005
    star 1
    Great story!=D= You portrayed Palpatine perfectly as the evil, creepy manipulator he is!:cool:

  24. dianethx Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 1, 2002
    star 6
    QuiGonGal - Thanks. I had fun writing it.

    Darth_Abtranor - Gotta love the greatest Manipulator of all Time. [face_laugh] Thanks.
  25. Darth_Abtranor Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    May 30, 2005
    star 1
    :DYou said you wouldn't write sequels, but how about an epilouge? (not sure if I spelled epilouge right...)
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