Saga Jello Wars IV: A New Mix (ANH parody; Luke, Obi-Wan, Leia, Han, Vader)

Title: Jello Wars IV: A New Mix
Author: lazykbys
Timeframe: ANH
Characters: Luke, Obi-Wan, Leia, Han, Vader
Genre: parody
Keywords: jello
Summary: various scenes from ANH rewritten as really weird food fights
Notes: This came to me while lurking in the Obi-Wan character workshop.

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[b]Jello Wars IV: A New Mix[/b]


Luke Skywalker sipped his drink, trying desperately to hide his fear. A few minutes ago he had told Ben Kenobi that he was ready to handle whatever Mos Eisley could throw at him. But now, surrounded by criminals and mercenaries and other assorted scum of the galaxy, he wasn't so sure.

"[i]Negola dewaghi wooldugger?[/i]" a four-eyed creature shouted at him. The alien was obviously drunk. Luke decided it was probably safer to ignore him than start a confrontation.

"He doesn't like you," a human translated for him.

"I'm sorry," Luke said.

"I don't like you, either," the human continued. "You just watch yourself. We're wanted men. I have the death sentence in twelve systems."

"I'll be careful then." Luke wondered if the man only wanted to intimidate him or start a fight. He hoped it wasn't the latter. He [i]prayed[/i] it wasn't the latter. Even if he was only bluffing about the death sentences, the man looked tough enough to beat Luke into sand.

"You'll be dead."

Luke blanched at the man's words. Fortunately, Ben came to his rescue.

"This little one isn't worth the effort," the old man said. "Come, let me buy you something."

The alien roared, smashing a fist in Luke's chest and sending him flying. He then pulled out a squirt pistol and leveled it at the old hermit's head.

The bartender said, "No squirters! No squirters!"

Ben didn't even blink. With a calm air that suggested he did this all the time, he pulled a strange cylinder from his robes. A fruity scent filled the cantina as a blue liquid squirted from the cylinder, instantly becoming a transparent gel as it reacted chemically with the air. Within a second it had become a quivering blue rod as long as the old man's arm.

He smashed it down on the alien's arm. The gel-saber did not break as Luke thought it would, but only left a small blue stain on the sleeve. The alien yelled in pain as something went [i]crack[/i], then was suddenly silenced as the blue gelatin was rammed into his mouth.

For a moment Luke thought he would see the alien's head explode. But the gelatinous blade, which only a split second ago had been hard enough to break the alien's arm, merely squished on contact, filling the alien's mouth with cool, fragmented gelatin.

Rage filled the alien's eyes, only to be replaced by fear as he saw the remains of the gel-blade only centimeters way from his face. He looked past it at Ben, who smiled as if to say, [i]Are you sure you want to continue?[/i]

And as abruptly as the fight began, it was over. Luke watched in amazement as the injured alien was lead away by his friend. Ben, who was now getting looks of respect from the cantina's patrons, merely strolled over to the waste receptacle to get rid of the blue gelatin.

"This is Chewbacca," the old man said as he returned, gesturing at a Wookiee. "He's first mate on a ship that might suit our needs."

[hr]
The Death Star loomed over Alderaan like a sinister beverage-bulb from the forgotten age before artificial gravity.

Beams of green liquid converged to become one massive turbo-squirt. In the vacuum of space, the mixture froze and boiled at the same time. However, the unprecedented volume made it possible for a solid core of gelatin to form in the center of the unified beam.

Leia watched in horror as a million tons of gelatin raced toward her home planet. There was a white flash on impact with the atmosphere, and for a moment she let herself hope that the lethal weapon had become vaporized by air friction.

It had not. The mind-numbing mass struck the planet's surface like the hammer of a crazed god. Its kinet

 

LMAO!

 

Jello and Jedi Knights, what could go better together???

 

This is hilarious! Great work, lazykbys!

 

Just a sec, I need to take my [face_deadpan] off.

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[b]Phoenix_Reborn:[/b]
LMAO![hr][b]Geith_Jiseo:[/b]
[face_laugh][face_laugh][face_laugh]

This is hilarious![hr][/blockquote]
Thank you! I was a bit worried that my sense of humor had gone crazy again.
[blockquote][hr][b]VaderLVR64:[/b]
[face_laugh] Jello and Jedi Knights, what could go better together??? [face_laugh][hr][/blockquote]
Yes, I've been meaning to ask about that. What [i]is[/i] this fixation you people have with gelatin? :-/

Thank you for reading!

 

Jello..... OMG...

Without knowing it, you hit an old JC joke about Jello Wars.

Great job, though!!!

 

I never knew jello could be so destructive!

One could only imagine the horror when it hit Alderaan...

 

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[b]Miana Kenobi:[/b]
Without knowing it, you hit an old JC joke about Jello Wars. :p[hr][/blockquote]I did a search for "Jello Wars" and found [link=http://boards.theforce.net/message.asp?topic=12633456&start=15813920]this[/link].

. . . and now I have a plot bunny with its teeth firmly embedded in my ankle.
[blockquote][hr][b]LadyPadme:[/b]
I never knew jello could be so destructive! [face_laugh]

One could only imagine the horror when it hit Alderaan... [face_shock][hr][/blockquote]The idea is partially from Heinlein's [u]The Moon Is a Harsh Mistress[/u]. Mass times acceleration equals force, which is just as deadly with a huge block of jello.

Thanks for reading!

 

OMG! This was out there, but way kewl! You should do this with TESB!

 

Mass times acceleration equals force, which is just as deadly with a huge block of jello. Ahh, good old physics! My son just learned that one in school.

Good story!

 

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[b]kyp_durron_fan_2009:[/b]
OMG! This was out there, but way kewl! You should do this with TESB![hr][/blockquote]Wellll . . .

The thing is, though, I did everything I wanted to do with the idea in this parody. All I have left to "translate" is a blaster fight and a space fight and now look what you've done, I've just been bitten by a plot bunny! :D
[blockquote][hr][b]dm1:[/b]
[i]Mass times acceleration equals force, which is just as deadly with a huge block of jello.[/i] Ahh, good old physics! My son just learned that one in school.[hr][/blockquote]I love Newtonian physics :) Thank you for reading!

 

I vageuly remember hearing something about Jello Wars

sequel?

 

A sequel? I'm working on it. However, while I have all sorts of ideas about the actual fic, I can't think of anything good for the title:

Episode V: The Empire Gels Back

. . . ugh. Someone get me a better title.

 

Episode V: The Empire Gels Back sweet revenge