Saga Jocasta Nu: Crazy Love-Dust User - The Musical! (Jocastawan) UPDATE 8/12: Dance Practice for Jocasta

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Jocasta Nu: Crazy Love-Dust User - The Musical!

Title: Jocasta Nu: Crazy Love-Dust User - The Musical!
Author: CherryLightsaber
Timeframe: Shortly after "Shatterpoint"
Characters: Yoda, Depa, Jocasta, Obi-Wan, Sidious, Anakin
Genre: Action/Humor
Keywords: Jocasta Nu
Summary: Sequel to "Obi-Wan Kenobi: Jedi Dog". Feeling lonely and bored, Jocasta Nu is assigned to protect Keebleran, home of the Elvanians and other weird fairy tale creatures, and finds the talking duck who bears a vial of "Glitter-de-You-are-Wacko". Once she gets her hands on it... oh, my. Chaos. Now improved with horrible singing and popular music!
Additional Notes: Inspired by Drabbo_Fett's post in the Obi-Wan Character Workshop about Jocasta Nu being the only one for Obi-Wan. Jocastawan.

Welcome, dear readers! Last time, we had a simply comedy. Now, we have a fantastic (or not) musical! Why a musical? Because I'm just wacko.

I do not own Star Wars.

---

Chapter One: Non-Existent Flowers and a Meeting

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...

There was once an old rat-lady named Jocasta Nu. She was crazy. Just plain crazy. One day, she skipped like the ditzy schoolgirl she was a thousand years ago out into the Jedi Temple's gardens and began to sing.

"Edel-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" One of the failed Jedi candidates in the AgriCorps said. "You are ugly!"

The rest of the AgriCorps spun around and started dancing to catchy music in the background. Two sassy girls started singing.

"U.G.L.Y.
You ain't got no alibi you ugly!
Heh! Hey! You ugly!
U.G.L.Y.
You ain't got no alibi you ugly!
Heh! Hey! You ugly!
U.G.L.Y.
You ain't got no alibi you ugly!
Heh! Hey! You ugly!
U.G.L.Y.
You ain't got no alibi you ugly!
Heh! Hey! You ugly!"

Jocasta Nu gasped. "Ugly? You are talking to a Jedi Master! I could get you expelled!"

"Too late!" One of girls snapped while shaking her butt.

"I saw you walking down the street just the other day,
I didn't see your damage from that far away.
I should've got a clue when the kids started screaming,
You walked up to me with your buckteeth a-gleaming.
Your hair was all frizzy and your face was a mess,
I thought it was a sack but it's your favorite dress.
You hurt the tree's feelings and the birds all flew,
I don't mean to insult you.
Oh, wait! Yes I do.

Your teeth are yellow, they're covered in mold.
You're only eighty-something you look a trillion years old.
When looks were handed out you were last in line,
Your face looks like where the sun don't shine.
Did you fall off a building and land on your head?
Or did a truck run over your face instead?
There ain't no pill 'cause you ain't ill.

U.G.L.Y.
You ain't got no alibi you ugly!
Heh! Hey! You ugly!
U.G.L.Y.
You ain't got no alibi you ugly!
Heh! Hey! You ugly!

Quasimodo!
Camel breath!
Square head!
Ugly!

U.G.L.Y!
You could make an onion cry!
U.G.L.Y!
Like an alien chased by the F.B.I!
U.G.L.Y!
You ain't got no alibi you ugly!"

"That's it!" the old lady screeched, summoning her blue lightsaber. "Enough of this disrespect!" She pounced on the girls, but Jocasta's foot was caught on a tree's root and she tripped facedown.

"Loser!" The girls made an L on their forehead.

The AgriCorps left the garden, leaving the aged Jedi Master alone. Finally. Those girls were very annoying and superficial.

Jocasta Nu became very bored. In a feeble attempt to cheer herself up, she resumed the song she wanted to sing as she stared at a pink flower.

"Edelweiss, edelweiss,
Every morning you greet me.
Small and white, clean and bright,
You look happy to meet me.

Blossom of snow may you bloom and grow.
Bloom and grow forever.

Edelweiss, edelweiss.
Bless my homeland forever."

How idiotic. The old woman was singing about a white flower that didn't exist in her galaxy to a

 

Here's a little trailer to give everyone a preview.

(The 20th Century Fox Logo appears and fades out. The Lucasfilm Ltd. Logo appears in its green color and turns silver, then pink.)

("The Emperor's Theme" plays ominously.)

Voice: You thought it was over.

(Anakin rushes through the empty Outlander Club.)

Anakin: I got the antidote!

(Anakin runs to an unconscious Obi-Wan and pours some blue glitter into his eyes.)
(Jocasta Nu screams "Noooo!" and rushes over to Obi-Wan.)
(Obi-Wan wakes up to find Jocasta Nu kissing him.)

Obi-Wan: AHHHHH!

(The scene fades to black.)

Voice: Too bad. It's not.

(Suddenly, two sassy girls in the Jedi Temple gardens sing to Jocasta Nu.)

Sassy Girls: (singing) U.G.L.Y! You ain't got not alibi, you ugly!

(Jocasta Nu sings to a pink flower.)

Jocasta: (singing) Edelweiss, edelweiss, every morning you greet me.

(A duck dances with a bunch of fairy tale characters, including Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, Cinderella, and the Queen of Hearts.)

Duck: (singing) On this perfect day, nothing's standing in my way! On this perfect day, when nothing can go wrong!

(The screen fades to black.)

Anakin: (singing) 'Cause you can't over-love your underwear!

(Suddenly, a scene of Jocasta Nu dancing on a large, grand stage with a band and Shaak Ti and Stass Allie as backup singers appears.)
(Obi-Wan, who is tied with electroropes to a chair and has ysalamiri crawling all over him, helplessly watches.)

Jocasta: (singing) I'm gonna getcha while I gotcha in sight! I'm gonna getcha if it takes all night! You can betcha by the time I say "go" you'll never say "no".

(As Jocasta sings, a montage of scenes flash by.)
(Yoda and Jocasta duke it out with lightsabers.)
(Jocasta boogies with an unseen person.)
(Siri opens a door and shrieks in horror.)

(The scene goes back to Jocasta on the stage.)

Jocasta: (waves a vial of red glitter and sings) Just like I should, I'll getcha good. (grins evilly)

(The screen immediately goes to black, and the title appears.)

Jocasta Nu: Crazy Love-Dust User - The Musical!

Now Playing

 

Chapter Two: The Most Awesome Yoda's Maiden Voyage and a Mysterious Being

We return to the galaxy far, far away, where Jedi are stalked by insanely huge female fanbases and where the edelweiss doesn't exist.

So far, Jocasta Nu has attempted to depart for Keebleran in a maroon Jedi starfighter. Sadly, she's not much of a pilot. In fact, she's the complete opposite of Anakin Skywalker.

"Now, where's that 'on' button? Ah, found it! Now, where's the 'engine on' button? Oh, my! Nope, that's the laser cannons."

Enasni Okcaw, a renowned and clinically insane criminal, ran out of the destroyed prison and leapt for joy. "I'm free at last! Now, I can play with my Barbie dolls and whack people with them again! Yay!"

"Whoops," Jocasta Nu said. "Umm? oh, no! Those are the ion cannons!"

The blasts struck the Temple Gardens, injuring the two sassy girls who called her ugly earlier. At least something good came out of this.

"Woo-hoo! Bingo! Now? a-ha! Found it."

The engines roared to life, and she maneuvered the starfighter into the sky. Unfortunately for Jocasta, the engines quickly failed.

If there was a shrilly, high-pitched, scratchy, screeching, and annoying a scream as Jocasta Nu's, then someone better not bring the person the scream belonged to any horror movies or haunted houses.

She ejected from the cockpit and watched her fighter collide into the Senate building. Thankfully, there wasn't a meeting going on.

However, Supreme Chancellor Palpatine appeared out of nowhere and snarled at her. For some reason, he was wearing a black robe and holding a red lightsaber. Probably was costume day at the Senate, and he was going as a Sith Lord. "That will cost credits that will come from my-er, the Republic's treasury, you incompetent Jedi." He held his hand out.

An invisible hand gripped Jocasta's throat and began to strangle the life out of her for two seconds. During that time, Palpatine disappeared as suddenly as he came. Must be my old age catching up to me.

---

The Most Awesome Yoda rocketed into hyperspace. Yup, Jocasta Nu was too lazy to get her butt to Keebleran herself, so she made clones do it for her. Poor guys in white.

In the corner of the old woman's eyes, two clones were fighting over? Yu-Gi-Oh cards?

"No, it's my Majorly Radical Dragon of Death! I can tell because I wrote my number right next to the 'ATK'!" one clone argued. "See? It says 301515."

"Nuh-uh! Those are the attack points, idiot!" the second clone contested.

Jocasta sighed and approached them. "No, no, no. This isn't the way you solve a dispute over trading cards. The diplomatic way of doing this is giving the freshest batch of georan to the fairest one of all on board the ship. Whoever does that first gets the card."

The clones nodded and marched off.

"I can't wait to get those georan. I am starving for sweet fruits." She imagined the aroma of the georan's skin. She imagined biting into the juicy flesh. She imagined kissing Obi-Wan Ken-oh, wait, that was random.

She kept imagining on for several minutes. "Where are those clones?" Jocasta got up and walked to the kitchen area. She saw the clones? giving the royal treatment to a young princess with skin white as snow, lips red as blood, and hair black as ebony.

"Snow White!"

The princess stuck her tongue out at her. "Thou are quite unfavorable. I see not why these clone troopers should giveth fruit to you. For I am the fairest of all on board."

Jocasta screamed in rage. "How dare you take my georan! By the time I'm through with you, Snow White, you'll be Meat Dead!" She pounced on the spoiled brat and attacked with the ferocity of a tadpole, which also doesn't exist. Snow White easily repelled her.

"Fine then," the old lady growled. "Oh, what's that?" She held her hand to her ear. "It's the call of Prince Charming! He's calling for me! He wants to marry me! Coming, Princy!" She skipped out of the room, faking a blissful and dreamy expression. Her lightsaber fell off her belt in the process.

Snow Whit

 

Chapter Three: Arrival on Keebleran and an Encounter with a Duck

Ars Umbra could no longer take the pressure from the Gate and fell apart. The crust, mantle, and outer core were crushed into a billion pieces, and the inner core lost its spherical shape and oozed away. The planet's remnants were drawn into the fiery realm beyond the Gate and instantly incine-

Whoops! I've been getting into original fiction lately. I forgot that I was still working on this one. As Jocasta said in the last chapter, "People with absolute control over the galaxy work in odd ways."

Anyways, the Most Awesome Yoda left hyperspace and came into the orbit of the rainbow-colored planet called Keebleran. It landed on the vivid grass in an opening in the middle of a forest.

As Jocasta Nu walked down the boarding ramp, a small humanoid made of some edible substance ran past the cruiser, an elf with a red hat following closely.

"Run, run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me, I'm the stinky cheese man!" the small thing taunted.

"You can never outrun a Keebler elf!" the elf shouted back. "Nonetheless..."

Suddenly, a gothic-looking sorceress appeared with a staff in hand, accompanied by a fat purple octopus with white hair, an anorexic pirate with a hook for a hand, and an animated bag.

"Maleficent, Ursula, Captain Hook, and Oogie Boogie!"

"We're not chasing that insignificant stinker," the sorceress, Maleficent, roared. "We're chasing that anthropomorphic mouse!"

The octopus, Ursula, pointed at the one that matched Maleficent's description.

"Oh, drat," the elf muttered. "Hey, Mouse Cookies could make me millions! Wait for me, villains!" He abandoned chasing the stinky cheese man and joined the other pursuit.

"What?" the stinky cheese man cried. "I want some attention! Come and get me!"

Jocasta plucked him off the ground and gobbled him up. "Rancid, but good. Now, where's the head honcho around here?"

She gestured to the dueling clones and the clone with a giant key. "Come with me. We're going into the forest."

The three clones and the Jedi Master ventured into the unknown. Wow, what a cliché sentence. My writing's getting rusty.

---

RING! RRRING! RING!

A huge duck jolted awake and looked at the clockwatcher on his wrist. He grinned widely and turned on the audio player.

Sun's up!
A little after twelve.

The duck walked into his kitchen and cooked a plateful of pancakes.

Make breakfast for myself,
Leave the work for someone else.
People say...
They say that it's just a phase.
They tell me to act my age,
Well I am!

He rushed outside and sang aloud. No one seemed to notice.

On this perfect day,
Nothing's standing in my way!

On this perfect day,
When nothing can go wrong!

It's the perfect day,
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon.
I could stay, forever as I am!

On this perfect day!

The duck spun in jazz-like dance moves until he bumped into an old lady wearing odd robes. They both ended up on the ground.

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry!" he said. "Are you okay?"

"Ducks... don't talk," the old lady uttered in confusion.

"This one does! Yahmist Wiws, Supreme and Undisputed Ruler of Keebleran at your service. You can call me Yammy, but most folks call me irresponsible." Yammy suddenly got an idea, but shook it off to avoid repetition.

The old lady grimaced. "A talking duck... have I been drinking?"

"That's no way to treat Darth rebasthgiLyrrehC's plot device for making Obi-Wan Kenobi fall in love with Jocasta Nu!" The duck pouted. "You should have a little more respect for characters of such high significance."

"Jocasta Nu? I'm Jocasta Nu!"

"Oh, that makes things easier." Yammy plucked out a vial of red glitter from his ruffled wings and handed it to Jocasta. "I call it 'Glitter de You-Are-Wacko'. Just put a dab into Obi-Wan's eyes and make sure that you're the first thing he sees. Instant honeymoon! He'll be like the Ken to your Barbie."

She grabbed the Glitter and held it to her cheek. "Thank you so much!

 

LOL!! Yay!! Another update! This one was great! Loved the mixing of differ fantasy PCs there! hehehe

 

Kynstar: Thanks!

The hiatus is over, I hope.

---

[b]Chapter Four: Dance Practice, Distractions, and the Setup[/b]

"Okay, girl!" Stass Allie barked. "If you want the affection of Obi-Wan Kenobi, you?ll have to put some pi-zzaz in your step. Like this!" She walked across the stage, swaying her hips with each step. "Now try it."

Jocasta Nu tried to follow her example, but lost balance on the first sway and fell down. Shaak Ti and Adi Gallia, both in the 'band', softly snickered.

"No, no, no! You?re too stiff!" Stass said. "Let yourself go. Be [i]graceful[/i] and let your movements flow like a river. Natural, girl."

---

Oh, speaking of natural, I once tried this all-natural antiseptic for my acne. It seemed to help a little. I tried it while I was in Viemolocana, preparing for an orchestra concert in that grand hall full of gold.

---

"That's not what I meant!" Stass's yelling caused Jocasta Nu to stand up after doing the space worm on the stage.

Jocasta shrugged. "You said flow like a river."

"Not literally, girl! Just follow the example I set and you'll do just fine."

"Okay..." Jocasta stepped and swayed, almost losing her balance at some points. Her hips swayed like *cough*frail*cough* branches being blown in the wind. For such a crazy old woman, she sure could move. "How was that?" She asked when she reached the other end.

"Good, good!" Stass cheered. "Now try snapping your fingers on one hand, and hold the microphone to your mouth."

Jocasta tried, but was disoriented and tripped on her own foot. You know, I trip on my foot sometimes. It's really embarrassing, especially when I was trying to look dignified and all. The Jedi librarian tried it again, doing it almost perfectly.

"Let's try it with the music. Cuz, Ti, hit it!"

Adi Gallia played the first few notes on her gytarr. Shaak Ti shortly followed with beating the drums. The rest of the band, which consisted of Bith, Wookies, and humans, joined in.

Jocasta sang three lines, stepping and swaying.

"Cut!" The band and Jocasta stopped. "Now, Jo, you gotta improvise some moves. Being able to step and sway at the same time is great, but too much of it is [i]bo-ring[/i]! Use some moves to place em-pha-sis on important lines. Hit it!"

Jocasta sang again, adding some quick spins and backwards stepping. When she reached the chorus, she became more liberal with her dancing, pulling out the vial of Glitter de You-Are-Wacko and waving it around. Unfortunately, she got disoriented again and fell off the stage and on Stass.

"Get off me!" she shoved Jocasta off her and stood up. "Lunch break!"

The group grabbed cheeseburgers out of nowhere and began munching on them. Jocasta decided to test the Glitter de You-Are-Wacko. She peeked out the audience chamber and saw Whie Malreaux. Some Glitter in his eyes, half of her cheeseburger?

"Forget the Jedi Code! You are my passion for life!" Whie embraced the half-cheeseburger and kissed it several times.

Jocasta snickered as she closed the door. That Yammy was a swell fellow indeed.

---

Anakin Skywalker made his second appearance in my fanfic, researching the various ancient famous Jedi the people at Lucasarts made up in the Jedi Archives. There was Bastila Shan, Atris, Kreia-who-was-also-a-Sith-Lord, that Jedi Exile everyone makes up names for and makes inaccurate representations of, that Revan of an unknown gender, and more.

Suddenly, a little boy with an oversized nose wearing a white t-shirt with a blue stripe, denim jeans, red shoes, and a red hat appeared next to him. "Oooh, are you that Jedi Knight that fell to the dark side because of his paranoia and killed all the other Jedi and did a whole bunch of evil stuff untiiiil his son who didn't know he was his father until his father cut off his hand redeemed him and made him throw that old, ugly guy into the core of the Death Star shortly before dying?" he asked too rapidly for Anakin to comprehend.

"Huh?"

A portal appeared behind the boy, and a skeletal hand pulled him in. "Bye!"

"That wa