Lit Join Me and Achieve Perfection: A Reread of The Glove of Darth Vader

I find your lack of sound effects oh never mind.

Ooh. Did the introduced species of rhyming couplets outcompete the sound effects and ultimately drive them from their natural habitat?

Obnoxious environmental message reference. Far better than a Vader reference.

Back in their first chapter, I was not a little startled when you mentioned Hissa 'roaring'; evidently I'd glossed over that bit, as I always thought Hissa, well, maybe not hissed per se, at least all the time, but Brian Blessed he most certainly wasn't.

Anyway, thinking about all that led me to recognise an number of similarities Trioculus and Hissa shared with another duo of cartoonish villains (who may have slightly influenced how I seeTrioculus and Hissa):

Their villainy is ridiculously over the top and sometimes quite petty or unnecessary.

They strive to rule the story's setting, although the popular will undoubtedly favours the band of heroes, and in fact they have few loyalists beyond their soldiers and retainers.

The stand-in character for the young target audience particularly worships said heroes and hates the villains.

The lead villain has, with the aid of his sycophantic sidekick, usurped power from the legitimate heir/ruler, claiming to be the true heir to the throne.

This lack of real legitimacy causes the false ruler to covet accoutrements that confer authority (that clearly ill-fit him), and obsess over authority figures favouring someone else.

Said villain is also prone to the occasional over-the-top outburst regarding his power.

The sycophantic sidekick frequently urges pragmatism and moderation, and is also significantly more observant than his master, although this rarely ends up helping, for one reason or another.

Said sidekick has sharp, pointed teeth, no arms or legs, and nearly the same name.

Spoiler

So yes. Peter Ustinov and Terry-Thomas are voicing my Trioculus and Hissa, no matter what the text says.

Also (sung by, um, Han Solo, maybe?):

Oh, the fans will jaw 'bout an emperor
A long, long time from now
And not because he fought some wars
But what was on his brow.
While Isard fights Zsinj, Grunger and
All others who've crossed her
We all have to save the whales
From that three-eyed imposter.

Oblivious as he is inept
In threads upon the internet
They'll call him the phony three-eyed emperor.
A pox on the phony three-eyed emperor!

 

Now we know why Vader is hairless. It's not Mustafar, it's the Glove!

Actually, when I think about it, this could have been the Davids' original intent. That's scary.

 

So some complete stranger tells Ken that he has his notebook in his hut, and to get there they just need to walk through a burning forest, and Ken doesn't see anything strange about this? I guess a life lived with no one but boy droids has dulled his survival instincts somewhat.

Also, Trioculus's eye is "glazed" and "glassy", hmm?

And in retrospect, you'd think the Empire might be able to, I don't know, clone those magical mystery plans?

Called it!

 

Okay the summary at the beginning was straightforward until the last three words “the glove of darth vader” That’s where this story loses me.

“After Palpatine’s fiery death
Another leader soon comes to command the Empire
And on his right hand he does wear
The glove of Darth Vader!
A menacing silence fell over the briefing room.
"Ptooog bziiiini?" beeped Artoo, as his new dome rotated back and forth.”


I think R2 is basically expressing every reader’s reaction at this point of the story.

 

The assignment was to write a report on five major planets that had been wiped out by asteroids in the last half million years. HC and Chip were still probably deep in the Jedi Library, walking up and down the aisles trying to find out where the file on destroyed planets had been misplaced, unaware that Ken had hidden it under his bed in his dome-house

No wonder that his name is Palpatine. If he never goes back, those two droids will search that library until they rust or the place collapses. I know I'm like that in libraries when the computer says that the book I'm looking for should be there and it isn't.

At this point I had to check if there are more Ho'dins in the canon. Apparently they are namedropped often, but the only one in a major role is a Jedi in Dark Lord. I don't remember if he speaks in rhymes. I must pay attention next time, and even if his speech doesn't look poetic, I'll read it like it's some kind of a modern poem.

That was me. Obviously Olie is the captain of the carefully named Moffship. He was raised into that position by his old buddy Moff Panaka, who commented "Doesn't matter who flies. We are all going to die."

"Since Darth Vader’s glove

You now do wear

Blind you are

And next goes your hair

Take off the glove

Or there is no doubt

Your teeth and nails

Shall all fall out

Your hands will rot

Your face will welt

Loud you shall scream

As in terror you melt."


"The sonic charges in the devices are probably causing damage to your nerve endings, affecting the optic nerves in your eyes."

Yes, that makes perfect sense.

"Your Excellency!" Grand Moff Hissa said. "The Ho’Din healer has brought back your eyesight!"

I'm picturing him fighting back the tears of joy and the urge to hug Trioculus.


"Kibo flowers, so very rare

Will soon be found nowhere

For the flames that you have spread

Shall soon make all kibo plants dead."

"What is he saying, Hissa?" asked Trioculus. "I can’t follow all of this Ho’Din’s rhyming!"


Actually, that should be playing during this entire scene.

You must eat their seeds for a hundred days, or-"

"Go on!" Trioculus said. "Then what?"

Emdee finished the sentence for the grand moff, who was too frightened to say any more. "Then, Master, you will go blind once again," Emdee said. "This time probably forever."

He just doesn't want to make rash decisions. But at the same time he's the man of action. Thrawn just sits around, watches different species' pornography and says that everything goes as planned. Whereas Trioculus is a villain who has obstacles on his way - that are not created by the good guys as they are for every other villain - and looks for a way to clear those obstacles. I mean, you don't really even need rebels here. Trioculus' path to power brings its own challenges like a game of CKII.

 

Oh wow, I forgot about the Ho'Din. This series was where I first learned about that alien species. And now I kind of hate them for being awful rhyming homeopathic healers. Trioculus seriously couldn't just have taken a dunk in a bacta tank for an hour? There's no excuse for knowing what a Ho'Din is but not knowing about bacta, even back then. Bacta is older than Jabba the Hutt.

 

Well to be fair to old Trioculus, I don't think there's ever been any indication that bacta can heal blindness. The Glove targets the optic nerves directly for some reason

 

Pishaw, bacta can cure anything except what Vader had, apparently. So long as good ol' Three Eyes isn't giving his optic nerves lava baths, bacta should be able to fix what ails him. Also, lopped-off limbs are apparently a no-go, but so far I haven't heard hints that the Glove is taking a lightsaber to the back of anyone's eyes.

In all seriousness, I can't recall reading about a non-maiming injury or sickness that couldn't be cured by bacta, unless the patient in question had an allergy to it. The injury might be fatal before bacta has a chance to work, but I don't know of any that simply can't be fixed; even internal injuries were treated with it.

 

I really like how Ken sent his teacher droid to do his research for him before sneaking out, just more proof of his twisted mind.

 

While trying desperately to come up with a pun for the Kenobi thread I realized this:
Kenobi. Ken-Obi. What does it mean that a baby was brought to the Lost City of Jedi by (probably) a Jedi named Obi-Wan Kenobi and he was named Ken? My guess: Obi-Wan can't come up with good names. That's why Luke stayed a Skywalker, when Owen asked what they should call him Obi-Wan stroked his beard for two minutes and said "...Luke Skywalker?"

 

You know, the "Ken-Kenobi" connection never occurred to me before. I wouldn't put it past them to have had some surprising twist in mind for that.

I bet Kendalina would have been revealed to be Owen and Obi-Wan's sister, had the GODV series gone on. They did say that if they had gotten to do a full nine-book series one of the last installments would have been called "Shadows of Obi-Wan", so it does seem like Obi or some revelation about him would have played a part.

 

And, to continue this theme of Obi-Wan being lousy at coming up with names...

Chapter 7: The Secret Code of Obi-Wan Kenobi

We open in the middle of a SPIN conference, as Leia is busy educating the other leaders of the galaxy on the importance of rainforests and how burning them is, like, really bad.


"If the fires in the rain forest are not contained," Princess Leia said to the members of SPIN, "then this moon of Yavin will face disaster. The rain forests are the source of our oxygen essential for the air we breathe. And thousands of medicines used throughout the galaxy are made from the rare species of plants that can only be found in these forests. There has been an invasion by a ruthless mutant-a three-eyed slavelord named Trioculus who calls himself the new Imperial Emperor. He is destroying our forests because he is on some insane mission to find the entrance to the Lost City of the Jedi. This evil madman must be stopped!"

You can just see Carrie Fisher, red in the face and fist shaking, struggling not to scream as she delivers this desperate and heartfelt appeal.

Thankfully, the members of SPIN are as moved as the readers are, "and with those words, the Rebel Alliance springs into action" (like our government should, amirite?). Alliance Fire Fighters (have we ever seen a fire fighter in Star Wars?) are put to work in dousing the fires caused by the evil TNT's, while our heroes- Luke, Han and Chewbacca, with Leia noticeably absent (no girls allowed I suppose)- take the fight directly to the Empire, as the Millennium Falcon search for Trioculus' jungle base. Since when has he had a jungle base? This is probably not news you should be revealing so late in the story.

It's quickly revealed, however, that Han's thoughts are in another place. A better place.


"I should be putting the finishing touches on my sky house right now, but instead, I’m stuck piloting the Falcon on another crazy mission for the Alliance," Han complained.

Expect the Sky House Han speaks of to show up in the next volume.

The Falcon is backed up by a pair of Y-Wing fighters, whose goal is to decimate Trioculus' spaceships and encampments, giving the "tyrannical dictator" no hope of escaping Yavin Four. The Falcon follow the fire to its source, as Luke Skywalker locates a landing. The evil Trioculus had taken over an innocent Bantha grazing pasture, and used that space to park his various strike cruisers and used it as an operating base for his TNT's. Luke gives the order to strike. How Luke is still in a position of authority at this point is well beyond me.

As the Y-Wings rain destruction down on Trioculus' base, the Falcon targets the TNT's with its "well-aimed laserblasts". The TNT's return fire, and in what is actually quite a cool image, they aim their fireblasts to the sky, and the Falcon has to dodge and maneuver between multiple tempests of fire. They come too close for comfort, and Han has to make an emergency landing.


It was the worst landing of Han’s career. The Falcon was unstable and shaking. It ripped through a maze of tall trees and thick vines, bouncing and sliding as it cut a gouge in the forest floor. "Arrrrroowgh!" Chewie moaned, knowing that the Falcon was now in desperate need of repair.

"Tough break, Chewie," Han agreed after the ship came to a stop. "The Falcon’s in trouble."

Nonetheless, they are all unharmed. As Luke, Han, and Chewie exit the steaming, ruined ship, Luke feels the need to make light of the situation.


"What do you think, Han?" Luke asked. "Do you figure the Falcon will ever be able to make the trip again from here to the Bespin system in eighteen standard time parts?"


Dammit Luke.


Han's response is cut short as he sees a flicker of white in the trees. He draws his blaster, concluding that it can only be a stormtrooper.

Han fires a few apparently terribly aimed blasts, but Luke stops him.

Luke propped himself up so he could see. "Stop, Han! That’s not a stormtrooper! It’s a droid I met. His name is Dee-Jay, and he’s from the Lost City of the Jedi!"

"It’s a droid named what from where?" Han asked.

You had time to say all that before Han stopped firing?

Dee-Jay strolls forward, with Ken at his side, armed only with his computer notebook.



"Commander Skywalker," Dee-Jay said. "You see what a disobedient boy I have here. No matter how many times I tell him not to come Topworld, he keeps coming back!"

"I had to find my computer notebook," Ken said. "I didn’t know there’d be a fire, and TNTs, and stormtroopers, and-" Ken suddenly glanced at Han. He recognized him from pictures he’d seen in the Jedi Library. "Wow, you’re Han Solo, right?" He then looked over at the Wookiee. "And-you’re Chewbacca!"

"Groooowwfff!" Chewie said, confirming that Ken had gotten his name right.


I would hope Ken could at least get the name right.


"We know who we are, kid," Han said. "What we don’t know is who you are and what you’re doing here."

"I’m Ken," he replied. "And I’ve always wanted to meet you, Mr. Solo, for just about my entire life. You’re one of the best Corellian pilots in the whole galaxy!"

"What do you mean one of?" Han replied. "You know anybody better?"

"Snoke Loroan made the trip from here to the Bespin system in fifteen standard time parts," Ken said, without even batting an eyelash. "The best the Millennium Falcon has ever done is eighteen standard time parts. I looked that up in the Jedi Library."


Han rolled his eyes in amazement. Who was this kid?


Who the hell is this Snoke Loroan guy? I'm checking to see if he has a wookieepedia page...

... and he does. Thorough, guys. Though frankly, I'm annoyed this guy even exists, considering the Falcon's accomplishment was supposed to be unique.


"Okay, okay, I’ll admit I’m impressed," Han said. "But Snoke Loroan got wiped out in the battle of Endor. We’re talking about living Corellian pilots."

"Then I guess you’re the best," Ken admitted with a smile.

"You’ve got that right," Han said and beamed. "Now I’ll tell you what, Chewie and I have flown from one end of this galaxy to the other in the Millennium Falcon. If you or your droid know any way we can escape from this blazing firepit, we’ll give you a free ride to the planet of your choice, someday." Han thought about his offer again. "Well, almost any planet. Kessel and Hoth are off-limits."

"You’ve got a deal!" Ken said. "That is, if it’s okay with Dee-Jay."
I'm sure Han could think of a million planets worse to go to than Hoth. Or is this in reference to the base Trioculus

I suppose Han's aversion to Hoth is due to the base Trioculus set up on it back in Glove of Darth Vader? Frankly I'm impressed they remembered that.

Dee-Jay tells Luke that with their help, he may be able to stop the continually growing flames. They follow, and soon arrive at a circular green wall made of marble. Luke exclaims that it's just like his dream, that they're at the entrance to the Lost City of the Jedi.


"My Corellian buddies will never believe this!" Han Solo said.

If you get married you'll have to kiss those Corellian buddies goodbye. Also, I like how Han has to specifically mention his "Corellian" buddies. Racist.

They all board the transport tube, and Dee-Jay warns them to hold on tight. The tube falls at an incredible speed, first in only pitch darkness, but as the tube falls deeper into the earth the darkness is interspersed with frequent bursts of flickering light from luminescent rocks.

The speeding tube at last comes to a stop, and they step into the Lost City of the Jedi. Luke is in awe, and thinks that it must look as it did when the first Jedi Knights first built it.

Luke takes in everything, from the domed buildings where the Jedi of old to the meticulously paved roads, and follow Dee-Jay past a building with a sign that denotes it's the library.


"Those of you who live on the surface of Yavin Four think the weather of this moon is the work of nature," Dee-Jay said. "But it’s not. It’s actually controlled from down here, from our Weather and Climate Command Center."


I know Star Wars is big on the idea that you don't have to explain everything, that sometimes it's better to simply imagine without having to worry about the shackles of reality slamming you back down... but WHAT???


They enter the Climate building, and Dee-Jay shows them a bit on how it works.


"Thousands of years ago," Dee-Jay continued, "Yavin Four was a cold and barren world. The Jedi Masters who built the Lost City discovered that they could change its climate. All they had to do was find a way for the heat from the core of this moon to reach the surface.


I'll wait for the commentary section to discuss how this could fit in with continuity.

Dee-Jay continues with his scientific explanation.


"And so," Dee-Jay explained, "they cut many deep shafts into this moon, like the shaft of the tubular transport. The other shafts are designed for releasing steam and heat into the atmosphere. Using their weather and climate control system, the Jedi Knights made this moon grow warm and tropical. They even seeded its continents, so lush rain forests would grow."


So it's like terraforming but way more awesome. Gotcha.


Dee-Jay leads them into a room the size of a planetary power generator.


"This moon is on a cycle-a six-month dry season followed by a six-month rainy season," Dee-Jay said. "The rainy season is due to start in several weeks. But if we could discover the code to speed up the weather cycle, we could start the rainy season now."

"That would sure douse the fires in a hurry," Han commented. "And none too soon. I won’t be a happy man if the Millennium Falcon goes up in smoke."


Seems to me like they're fighting screwing with nature... with screwing with nature.


Dee-Jay opened a control box. "We’ve got to figure out the code," he said. "I’ve searched nearly every file in the Jedi Library, but I just can’t seem to find it."

"I had a dream," Luke said. "A vision of Obi-Wan Kenobi. He told me . . ."

Luke tried to remember what Obi-Wan Kenobi had told him in his dream. Memorize this code, Obi-Wan had said. Its importance shall soon become clear to you.

But what was the code Obi-Wan had told him to memorize? Try as he might, Luke couldn’t recall it.





Whatisthisidonteven... god dammit Luke. God dammit. You are officially the most useless person ever. Whatever faith Obi-Wan had in you was clearly misplaced.


Luke empties his already exceptionally empty mind, and does his best to concentrate. He fights off all the distractions, just looks deep within himself, as he allows the For... Force! That's it! Great Scott, he has it!



JE-99-DI-88-FOR-00-CE



"I remember the code!" Luke exclaimed. "Obi-Wan didn’t tell me what it was for, but I sure hope it activates the weather cycle."

Luke punched in the code. And it worked!

Give yourself a pat on the back, Luke. Would you like a cookie? You deserve a cookie.


A screen in the room lit up and showed them what was happening on the surface of Yavin Four. Steam vents opened at locations all over the Yavin moon. The vents forced warm, moist air into the atmosphere. And with astonishing speed, storm clouds began to form everywhere across the sky.

Watching the screen, they could see the rain begin to fall. Then there was lightning. A torrential storm sent sheets of water pouring down from the black clouds. Soon the rain began to put out the fires in the forest.

And that's the end of our heroes part of the story. It ends on a triumph. That triumph is Luke remembering a code that by all rights should have been ingrained in him. Oi.

We switch to Trioculus and his wacky subordinates, as once again we are completely cheated out of a cliffhanger resolution. It skips ahead, to a point where they've gathered the Kibo plants, and are on their way back to the ship.


In the torrential rainstorm, Trioculus, Grand Moff Hissa, and Emdee made their way back to what was left of their Imperial base camp. Reluctantly Baji accompanied them. To his sorrow, with a blaster pointed at his head, he was drafted into the Imperial army to become a staff physician.

To his sorrow, with a blaster pointed at his head... well, I suppose that would be a thing to cause great sorrow.

Trioculus is desperately rubbing the Kibo plants across his withered hand and face, which is "no longer the handsome face it had been before." In an exciting and dazzling scene that took place entirely off-screen because you were busy watching Luke remember a code, Trioculus had his face burned. His "face was covered in welts and blisters, and his skin was scorched."

He remembers the Rebel Alliance assaulting his base, destroying all his Strike Cruisers. However, in their haste, they conveniently missed one ship. Trioculus had left the Glove of Darth Vader aboard his strike cruiser, and he finds it now in the mud, completely unharmed from the recent attack. Trioculus does not put it on, however, for he now fears its power.



"You’re going to make me another glove, Emdee," he said. "One that looks just like the glove of Darth Vader. No one must know that I no longer wear the real glove!"

Smithers then decides to helpfully explain the situation.

It’s regretful that we didn’t find the Lost City of the Jedi, my Emperor," Grand Moff Hissa said. "But if we send enough spies to Yavin Four, they’ll keep looking for it until they find it-and perhaps they’ll find the Jedi Prince as well."



"SPIN must be destroyed for this attack," Trioculus said. "SPIN-and every member of the Rebel Alliance in their Senate! Except . . ."


"Except whom, Lord Trioculus?" Grand Moff Hissa asked reluctantly.

"We’ll take Princess Leia alive," Trioculus replied firmly.

Such a gentlemen. I'm sure killing all of her friends and destroying her life's work is guaranteed to get you in good with her.

They leave Yavin Four, battered and bruised, but alive. There, Trioculus closes his eyes, to get some must needed rest.


With his face painfully burned, and his right hand crippled and withered, Trioculus escaped into a dream, a dream of the beautiful Princess Leia. He could see her striking face, her strong but soft features. And he dreamed of making her his queen-the Queen of the Empire!

I like the subtle indication here that Leia won't dislike him because he's evil, but because he's scarred and hideous. Maybe that's just my imagination.

And we bid Trioculus a very good night, as we switch over to Ken. The time has come for him to bid farewell to the droids that raised him, as he prepares to embark on a journey and become the youngest member of the Rebel Alliance.

Dee-Jay is wary of allowing Ken to leave so soon- he originally expected to send him off when he was 20, not 12- but he recognizes that the time is right. He knows that Luke Skywalker will protect him, and will be able to give him instruction in the way of the Force. "It was Ken's destiny". Even so, he is sending Chip along with Ken, to make sure he doesn't get into too much trouble. There are food pirates and Imperial boy sellers out there, after all.


Zeebo jumped into Ken’s arms and licked his face, just like he had every single day, for years.





Even amidst such a heartwarming scene, melancholy reflections creep their way in.



"I’m going to miss all you droids," Ken said. He thought about what he’d just said, and realized that he would probably even miss HC-100 every once in a while. "And I’ll miss the Jedi Library," he continued, "and my dome-house, and I’ll certainly miss you, Zeebo. Life won’t be the same not having a mooka to wake me up every morning. But just think-I’m off to see the galaxy. My adventures with the Alliance have just begun!"

And on this day, one young boy boldly steps into destiny.


We are treated to one last reflection from Luke.



Luke hoped Ken would always remain enthusiastic, even after he learned more about the real world. And above all, Luke hoped that Ken would remain safe from the vengeance of the Empire. They may have stopped Trioculus from finding the Lost City of the Jedi, but Luke knew the cruel Imperial ruler would never rest until he got even-with each and every one of them!


Commentary: There is one thing that I would like to make explicitly clear. Luke Skywalker is my favorite character in Star Wars. Reading these summaries, that probably doesn't come off as particularly obvious. Han's great, of course, but ever since I saw the movies as a kid, Luke has resonated with me. He's a character that, on the surface, appears hopelessly naive, but in the end he's right. He has the capacity to believe in other people, even when they can't believe in themselves. He's the living embodiment of all that the Jedi continuously strive for, but most never reach. And, despite what these books may have you believe, he is the farthest thing from incompetent. A day off his farm, and he takes down elite stormtroopers and outflies professional pilots. He becomes a Commander in three short years. He picks up Jedi training, training that from all evidence we know takes over 20 years and learns it in barely a year. He almost single handedly rebuilds the Jedi order, using entirely second hand knowledge. And finally, as the Thrawn trilogy shows, he's incredibly resourceful.

Luke in this series displays none of those traits. He continually bounces back and forth from dense and overeager, to as Dr. Steve Brule has pointed out a number of times, this strange, almost dark attitude. He has two personalities, and neither one of them are Luke. And whereas Luke is competent and resourceful, this guy couldn't find his own ass with a map and a guide to lead the way and mark it for him.

I want you to keep this in mind when I tell you that Luke is not the most mischaracterized character in the series. In that area, he bows before Han Solo. Or, at least, some guy who claims to be Han Solo. I don't believe these guys have a trait in common. Han Solo is an anti-authoritarian scoundrel that's difficult not to like. This Han Solo comes off as a creepy old guy that almost certainly has a thing for young boys. While he has not proven himself to be incompetent, like Luke, he still comes off as an absolute shell of himself. Or perhaps not even that; "shell" would suggest they at least have the damn caricature right.

Not much to say about Leia. And I mean that there's really just not much to say. She's been in like three scenes so far in the series. And she's the only female character. I suppose I can at least buy that she'd care about rainforests.

While I'm on my angrybox, might as well hit this chapter deadcenter; the so called climax involving Luke having to remember the super-secret code. Sheesh. If there's ever been a more contrived way of building conflict, I'd like to hear about it. It's only made more amusing because, while Luke is twiddling his thumbs and biting his lip in an effort to remember that code, Trioculus is off doing something exciting... and we don't get to see it.

These books are awesome.

One last thing I'll address: the Lost City and the ancient Jedi Knights. The book clearly states that "the first Jedi Knights built the city". Can we take that at face value? There's some leg room there, since we know the first Jedi were actually the Jed'aii. Let's narrow it down, then: was the Lost City present when Exar Kun made his last stand on Yavin IV? Was it there when Naga Sadow became stranded? Also, why weren't more planets terraformed in this manner? What made Yavin IV so special, so necessary to control? Perhaps the early Jedi felt it necessary to interfere more directly in the lives of others, to the point where they would redirect nature itself in order to insure the continued existence of one planet? Perhaps they had not yet developed the philosophy of allowing the Force to take its own course? I have to say I actually like the idea of the Jedi themselves having to come to terms with the idea that they are not infallible, and that they cannot save everyone. Hard to give a definitive answer on any of these questions. Let me know if you have any theories.

And that brings us to the end of The Lost of the Jedi. It had its ups, and its downs. Many, many downs. But I won't pretend for a minute I didn't enjoy reading it, just as I enjoyed reading The Glove of Darth Vader, and just as I'll enjoy reading the next one. Join me next time, as we feel the burning wrath of... Zorba the Hutt's Revenge!

Peace be with you.

 

We actually do see firefighters in Revenge of the Sith.

And brilliant as always. Almost... Three-eyed, even.


Sent via Mojave Courier service

 

And TCW had those firefighter droids who were about as effective fighting fire as a matchstick.

Trioculus is a fast expander. There were people building a Starbucks right when the Y-Wings struck.

I can't wait. I mean, it's the Sky House. Every day is a Sunday when you fly above the clouds.


"What do you think, Han?" Luke asked. "Do you figure the Falcon will ever be able to make the trip again from here to the Bespin system in eighteen standard time parts?"

Do you want some ice with that burn, Han?

I agree that Han is terribly OOC here. He shot first! (I swore I would never tell that joke )


"We know who we are, kid," Han said. "What we don’t know is who you are and what you’re doing here."

"I’m Ken," he replied. "And I’ve always wanted to meet you, Mr. Solo, for just about my entire life. You’re one of the best Corellian pilots in the whole galaxy!"

"What do you mean one of?" Han replied. "You know anybody better?"

"Snoke Loroan made the trip from here to the Bespin system in fifteen standard time parts," Ken said, without even batting an eyelash. "The best the Millennium Falcon has ever done is eighteen standard time parts. I looked that up in the Jedi Library."

Han rolled his eyes in amazement. Who was this kid?

"Okay, okay, I’ll admit I’m impressed," Han said. "But Snoke Loroan got wiped out in the battle of Endor. We’re talking about living Corellian pilots."

"Then I guess you’re the best," Ken admitted with a smile.

This conversation. I can't find words.

But "standard time part" is a red link. I would really have liked to know what that meant.

Channeling your inner Hissa now?


"Those of you who live on the surface of Yavin Four think the weather of this moon is the work of nature," Dee-Jay said. "But it’s not. It’s actually controlled from down here, from our Weather and Climate Command Center."

What a twist! "Kate, we have to go back!" is nothing compared to this. How many stories have we read of Yavin 4 and all this time there was this Climate Command Center that determined its weather.

What nature? Yavin 4 was all this time just a one big vivarium! The narrative fooled us the whole time. We were led to believe that this book was about preserving nature, when actually everything was a lie. There would be no rainforests here if people hadn't meddled with nature.


Dee-Jay opened a control box. "We’ve got to figure out the code," he said. "I’ve searched nearly every file in the Jedi Library, but I just can’t seem to find it."

"I had a dream," Luke said. "A vision of Obi-Wan Kenobi. He told me . . ."

Luke tried to remember what Obi-Wan Kenobi had told him in his dream. Memorize this code, Obi-Wan had said. Its importance shall soon become clear to you.

But what was the code Obi-Wan had told him to memorize? Try as he might, Luke couldn’t recall it.

I'll try to write it without looking. JE-77-DI-88-FOR-99-CE
No, I got it wrong. Sorry Han, Ben was too smart for his own good.

 

As I already mentioned earlier in the thread, it was quite cleverly retconned in the Knights of the Old Republic Campaign Guide. I fell too lazy to reword it, so I'll just quote the relevant paragraphs on Wookieepedia (which I wrote myself, so I fell less guilty):

 

I have to hand it to whoever wrote the Wookieepedia article on the Weather and Climate Control Center. Usually I think they take themselves way too seriously, but I had a genuine laugh at the behind the scenes:

 

Well... That part is completely speculative (thus against our rules) and really should go... I think I'll have t take care of it.

 

Ways the Climate Command Center could have been used in other works:

Dark Apprentice: When Kyp was pulling the Sun Crusher out of Yavin, he could have been conveniently struck by lightning.

Champions of the Force: When Streen was trying to kill Luke by summoning a storm, they could have, I don't know, turned the wind off.

Jedi Under Siege: Nothing like a little fog to confuse the Imps.

Edge of Victory 1: The Vong don't like lightning any more than Kyp.

 

Oh, please don't. That made my day.

 

So Luke can't even protect himself against Food Pirates, and he's being entrusted with Ken's safety? Stellar.

And actually, Leia is wild about trees. In the RotJ novelization, she really gets into the trees there. She even told the Ewoks to help the Rebel Alliance fight the Empire "for the trees."

 

Not to mention the place she lives on Coruscant is named after a type of tree from Alderaan, the oro wood.

Continuity!

 

Doh... super long posts and my habit of never proofreading do not mix. Meant to delete that first sentence.

LelalMekha Ah, that is quite clever. I had forgotten that TOTJ had the Jedi show off the full benevolence of the light side by burning the **** out of a planet, and that's as good an explanation as any to how the planet was able to recover. That said, it does contradict the book repeatedly stating that the city was built by the "first Jedi Knights", but as I've mentioned before, if we took everything in these books at face value, the EU would be a much different, and much wackier place.

Dr. Steve Brule I concur. I got a chuckle out of it, plus I also like it when wiki sites don't take themselves so seriously and embrace the inherent silliness of compiling a database dedicated to a work of fiction. There's a reason TVtropes is by far my favorite wiki offshoot.

Anyway, I'll post some last thoughts on The Lost City of the Jedi that I may have forgotten, so that next time I may press boldly onward into the uncharted abyss that is the Jedi Prince series. I don't suspect I'll return, or at least not in the same capacity.

I was thinking, as I so often do, of this series, and more specifically of its habit of not following up on cliffhangers and relegating much of what at least holds the potential for excitement off-screen. The most recent example, of course, is the main villain of the series undergoing a presumably character changing disfigurement entirely off-screen, while our main hero is trying to remember a code. It struck me then that this is an effective metaphor for the entire series. There are quite a few potentially interesting ideas in the series, and if the reader uses their imagination, they can make something out of them. Yet these ideas are matched, or more likely hopelessly outnumbered, by a legion of silly and downright stupid ideas, and the ones that have potential are irrevocably scarred by terrible presentation. SPIN is a cool idea, until you realize it's essentially a juvenile clubhouse. An inherently secular Empire is a great idea, until you realize that secular Empire that doesn't believe in the Force believes in prophets and magical Gloves. A fabrication on the throne of Palpatine is a more than adequate root for a story, until you find that a bipolar mental patient is the one taking the throne. There's decent stuff here; just expect it to all be off-screen.

Due to the nature of the medium, all literature, especially science fiction and fantasy, demands that you use your imagination. Personally, I've always felt that it's an authors job to impart information, but that's not when the real work is done. The real work is done in the reader's head. In the same manner that a screenplay writer is only writing words on a page, they need so many others to bring their ideas to life, an author can only pass along words and images; it's the readers job to expand it and bring it to life in their head. I think this is why I'm able to enjoy works that I consider "bad"; in my head, I can often make them much more enjoyable.

But even so, the author has to give the reader something to work with. The Jedi Prince series will occasionally hint at the existence of a galaxy larger than the one their various one-dimensional characters inhabit, but not attempt is ever made to bring it to life. The David's minimalistic style of presentation is effective for little more than offering classic bad lines. You truly know a line is bad when it's just as awful in context as it is out of it. The Jedi Prince series has those in spades.

I don't want to make it sound like the core story here is salvageable. Frankly, my brain has a difficult time imagining these characters going on these types of adventures in any capacity. I think the existence of Ken in more than one way threatens to split the Star Wars universe in half. But I alluded earlier to an interesting moral dilemma the Lost City presents for the Jedi; underneath all the camp there are some interesting ideas. The thing I'm wondering is if any of them ever actually occurred to Paul and Hollace Davids.

And that tangent went on much longer than it should have. One more thing I wanted to comment on: anyone remember Luke's "Jedi memory trick" from Dark Force Rising? Lando needs Luke to remember if he saw Niles Ferrier, and Luke closes his eyes, and "rewinds" his memory. Frankly, I always thought that was an interesting Force power, and am disappointed we, as far as I'm aware, never really saw it again. Now that I remembered it, though, I can't help but think that Luke developed it specifically so he'd never have a near disaster like he did on Yavin IV

But anyway, to keep this whole post from being me yapping, here's some glossary entries! I like that the dude who got a single line (Zuggs) has a whole glossary entry.


Baji

A Ho’Din alien, a healer and medicine man who lives in the rain forest on the fourth moon of Yavin. Baji is wise, peaceful, and speaks in rhyme. He collects plants, rare stems, roots, leaves, and vines that are good for making medicines and that he fears may become extinct. He then transports them to his home planet of Moltok, for other botanists to study.


Chip (short for Microchip)

Chip is Ken’s personal droid. His outer metal is silver. He is the size of a twelve-year-old boy and is programmed to look after Ken. As much as he tries, more often than not he is unable to talk Ken out of doing adventurous things.


Commodore Zuggs

A bald, beady-eyed Imperial officer who pilots Trioculus’s Imperial strike cruiser spaceship.

Dee-Jay (DJ-88)

A powerful caretaker droid and teacher in the Lost City of the Jedi. He is white, with eyes like rubies. His face is distinguished, with a metal beard. He is like a father to Ken, having raised him from the time the young Jedi was a small child.


HC-100 (Homework Correction Droid-100)


His appearance resembles See-Threepio, though he is silver in color, with blue eyes and a

round mouth. HC-100 was designed by Dee-Jay for the purpose of correcting and grading Ken’s homework. He walks in perfect step like a soldier on the march, and talks like a drill sergeant. He frequently pops into Ken’s dome-house without any warning for surprise homework checks.


Ho’Din

Gentle, ecologically aware aliens from the planet Moltok who have snakelike tresses growing on their heads. They are primarily botanists and prefer nature to technology. Baji is a Ho’Din healer. Ho’Din natural medicine is recognized throughout the galaxy.

Kadann

A black-bearded dwarf, Kadann is the Supreme Prophet of the Dark Side. The Prophets of the Dark Side are a group of Imperials who, while posing as being very mystical, are actually a sort of Imperial Bureau of Investigation with its own network of spies.


Leaders of the Empire seek Kadann’s dark blessing to make their rule legitimate.

Kadann made the prophecy that the next Emperor would wear the glove of Darth Vader. Kadann’s prophecies are mysterious four-line, nonrhyming verses. They are carefully studied by the Rebel Alliance for clues about what the Empire might be planning.

Ken

Ken’s existence has been kept a secret, and so has the location of the Lost City of the jedi, the city in which he is growing up. His origins are mysterious and his parents are unknown to him. For some reason the droids of the Lost City have decided not to reveal this information to him until he is older. Ken has been given the impression that he may be a Jedi Prince. He doesn’t know the significance of the birthstone he wears around his neck on a silver chain.

When Ken was a baby an unknown Jedi Knight in a brown robe took him to the Lost City and left him there for safekeeping. The chief caretaker droid of the Lost City, Dee-Jay was instructed to raise Ken and educate him.

Ken has certain Jedi abilities that have come to him naturally, such as the ability to cloud minds, to mind-read, and even the power to move small objects by concentrating on them.

Ken goes to school in the Jedi Library in the Lost City, where he is the only student. There he is taught by Dee-Jay. Ken is not permitted by the caretaker droids to visit the surface of Yavin Four until he is old enough to defend himself against evil.


Prophets of the Dark Side

A sort of Imperial Bureau of Investigation run by black-bearded prophets with their own network of spies. The prophets have much power within the Empire. To retain their control, they make sure their prophecies come true-even if it takes force, bribery, or murder.


TNTs

TNTs, or Treaded Neutron Torches, are tanklike vehicles that shoot fireballs. They were originally designed for use in the spice mines of Kessel, blasting into rock to open up new mine shafts. However, they work just as well as jungle vehicles, plowing their way through rain forests.


Triclops

Though Triclops doesn’t appear in this book, we have learned that he is the true son of the evil Emperor Palpatine. Triclops is a three-eyed mutant, with one eye in the back of his head.

He is shrouded in mystery. All that is known about him for certain is that the Empire considers him insane and fears disaster if he ever were to become Emperor. For some mysterious reason they still keep him alive, imprisoned in an Imperial insane asylum and a secret Imperial reprogramming institute.

The Empire has always denied Triclops’s existence, keeping him hidden away as a dark secret. But there have been so many rumors about the Emperor’s three-eyed son that to put an end to the whispers and gossip, three-eyed Trioculus falsely announces he’s really Emperor Palpatine’s son and the new ruler of the Empire.

The rumors, however, still persist.



Zeebo

Ken’s four-eared alien pet mooka, he has both fur and feathers.

 

A powerful caretaker droid and teacher in the Lost City of the Jedi. He is white, with eyes like rubies. His face is distinguished, with a metal beard. He is like a father to Ken, having raised him from the time the young Jedi was a small child.

I see that ignorance is not bias in these novels.

 

instantdeath Well, as far as I can check, the phrase "first Jedi" was used only once in the book. All other instances mention "ancient Jedi Knights" You could always imagine that "first Jedi" was supposed to mean "the Jedi of the old order," in contrast with Luke (who is the first of a new generation). I know, it's a bit of a stretch, but it works.

While DJ-88 said "Thousands of years ago, Yavin Four was a cold and barren world. The Jedi Masters who built the Lost City discovered that they could change its climate," this too can be retconned in some fashion. Technically, the droid was telling the truth... from a certain point of view. Yavin 4 was indeed a cold and barren world circa 9,996 BBY. Deejay only "forgot" to mention that it hadn't always been so.He was programmed by the same Jedi who built the City, after all.

 

You are all ignoring the framing device from Polyhedron.

If it all fits and makes sense, the magic is lost, and the actual EU is burdened with a monstrosity. Embrace the bull$#!%, it's part of the story.