Lit Join Me and Achieve Perfection: A Reread of The Glove of Darth Vader

The Polyhedron article, regardless of its awesomeness, is only "ambiguously canon". Quoth Leland Chee:

 

That is only related to licensing.

Consider that the Jedi Prince series was licensed, and you will reach the inevitable conclusion that Mr. Chee's statement means absolutely nothing.

 

While not all licensed sources are canon, all canon sources are licensed. And while I agree with you on the fact that canon includes silly things and yet rejects interesting ones, I'm not the one who establish it.

 

Oh but you are.

 

The amulet around Ken's neck reminds me of Lone Starr from *Spaceballs*.


Sent via Mojave Courier service

 

It's mentioned at least once, though I believe twice in the second book (I actually don't even recall it being mentioned in the first). The saving grace is that I don't believe the phrase "the first Jedi Knights" is ever used in dialogue, only in the narration, which is always half-assed anyway.

 

Although I have read the first three books, I did not remember the ending of Lost City. Reading it here, I was shocked by how badly written it is. No resolution to the story, just an end. As instantdeath mentioned, the "attempt" at building tension was not simply lazy, but inexcusably so, even for authors who have pierced the bottom of the barrel and bored a holed deep into the bowels of the earth in order to set a standard to be judged by.

Curiously, it reminded me of Showgirls -- which has the most inexcusably bad ending of any Hollywood picture I can recall. I guess this book is just like Showgirls, with environmentalism instead of PANTS

If I remember the sequence correctly, Duro is next, right?

That word is on our banned list, so I have edited it from your post. --AN22

 

Well, mammary glands plus the enclosing skin. Environmentalism instead of mammary glands plus the enclosing skin, is what I meant.

 

Took a slightly longer break than usual in order to prepare for the next step of the journey.



Another book, another cover. And a very impressive cover at that. Trioculus really resembles someone here, but I just can't put my finger on it (help!). And Zorba, with a beard that puts all other beards to shame. The Hutts clearly do everything better.

And Leia's very prominent on the cover. Will she finally have some relevance in the plot? Probably not! But let's find out.


The Adventure Continues...

It was an era of darkness, a time when the evil Empire ruled the galaxy. Fear and terror spread across every planet and moon as the Empire tried to crush all who resisted-but still the Rebel Alliance survived.

The Rebel Alliance was formed by heroic men, women, and aliens, united against the Empire in their valiant fight to restore freedom and justice to the galaxy.

Luke Skywalker joined the Alliance after his uncle purchased a pair of droids known as See-Threepio (C-3P0) and Artoo-Detoo (R2-D2). The droids were on a mission to save the beautiful Princess Leia. Leia, an Alliance leader, was a captive of the Empire.

In his quest to save Princess Leia, Luke was assisted by Han Solo, the dashing pilot of the spaceship Millennium Falcon, and Han’s copilot, Chewbacca, a hairy alien known as a Wookiee.

Han and Luke eventually succeeded in rescuing the Rebel Princess, but their struggle against the Empire did not end there. Luke and his ragtag group of Rebel freedom fighters battled armor-clad stormtroopers and mile-long star destroyers. Finally they destroyed two of the Empire’s mightiest weapons: the Imperial Death Stars, which were as big as moons, and powerful enough to explode entire planets.

In the course of his adventures Luke sought out the wise old hermit, Obi-Wan Kenobi, who became one of Luke’s teachers in the ways of the Jedi Knights.

The Jedi Knights, an ancient society of brave and noble warriors, were the protectors of the Old Republic in the days before the Empire was formed. The Jedi believed that victory comes not just from physical strength but from a mysterious power called the Force.

The Force lies hidden deep within all things. It has two sides: one side that can be used for good, the other the Dark Side, a power of absolute evil.

Among those who followed the Dark Side were the two evil Imperial leaders-Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine. After their deaths, a three-eyed mutant and tyrant rose to lead the Empire-Trioculus. However, he was an impostor who falsely claimed to be Emperor Palpatine’s son. He was secretly in love with Princess Leia and hoped that one day he would persuade her to betray the Rebel Alliance and join the Empire as his queen.

Trioculus was warned by Kadann, the Supreme Prophet of the Dark Side, that his reign as Emperor would come to a sudden and tragic end if he failed to find and destroy a certain Jedi Prince. The prince, Ken, was only twelve years old. He was raised by droids in an underground city known as the Lost City of the Jedi. It was there, in the Jedi Library, that Ken had learned certain Imperial secrets that, if revealed, could threaten Trioculus’s rule.

Trioculus was unable to find either Ken or the Lost City. However, Luke Skywalker was able to succeed where Trioculus had failed. Having located the Jedi Prince, Luke invited Ken to leave the underground city and join the Rebel Alliance.

Many creatures in the galaxy followed the treacherous path of the Dark Side-among them, a greedy alien gangster known as Jabba the Hutt. Jabba lived in a palace on the desert planet, Tatooine.

Han Solo should have known better than to do business with Jabba. Like all of the sluglike, ruthless Hutts, Jabba lived by the law of revenge. So when Han refused to pay his debts, Jabba offered to pay a rich reward to any bounty hunter who would bring him Han Solo-alive or dead!

Of the two choices, it was hard to say at the time which would have been more merciful for Han.

As it turned out, Han was delivered to Jabba alive-frozen alive-trapped inside a solid block of carbonite. In a state of suspended animation, Han was unable to move his body, and his mind was trapped in a terrifying, murky fog.

Jabba the Hutt decided to display the carbonite block that encased Han Solo. He hung it up in his palace like a trophy, for all his visitors to see.

With help from Luke Skywalker, See-Threepio, Artoo-Detoo, Chewbacca, Lando Calrissian, and Princess Leia, Han Solo was eventually rescued and revived.

In the meantime, the bloated Hutt had taken Princess Leia as his prisoner, keeping her chained beside him. But Leia was able to escape, killing Jabba in self defense. She twisted her chain around his fat neck, and kept on twisting it until Jabba gasped his final wretched breath. The galaxy was rid of that vicious, blubbering beast at last.

Though word of Jabba’s death spread from planet to planet throughout the galaxy, the news never reached the dungeons of the mud-ball planet known as Kip. It was there on Kip that Zorba the Hutt had been imprisoned long ago for illegally mining precious gemstones.

But within the first year after Jabba the Hutt’s death, Kip was conquered by alien pirates, and Zorba was released from prison. The pygmy aliens of the mud-ball planet had never figured out how to fly Zorba’s spaceship, the Zorba Express. So the spaceship was

still waiting for him, docked at the same muddy cliff where it had been left when Zorba was captured. He dug up his hidden supply of gemstones, and then climbed aboard his spaceship, setting his course for Tatooine.

Zorba fully expected to find his son Jabba alive and well, happy to welcome his father back to his palace. But a shocking surprise awaited Zorba. The fury of a Hutt was about to be unleashed-a fury known as Zorba the Hutt’s revenge!


Holy Opening Crawl. These things are getting difficult to deal with. And I'm not even being paid to read them. Of course, for once this thing actually has some semi-important information about this books antagonist (though considering the transparent prose of the series, it almost certainly would have been revealed anyway). And tee hee, the Zorba express. And a mention of the food pirates in the opening crawl? You decide.


Chapter 1: The Droidfest of Tatooine


Oh man, what a title. Couple that with the impending wrath of the SKY HOUSE, and I'm getting a very good feeling about this book.


Thankfully, the glorious chapter title is joined by an equally great opening line.

Luke Skywalker’s Y-wing starfighter zoomed through deep space, on its way to Cloud City for Han Solo’s housewarming party.


Yes, construction of Han's home above home is finally complete, floating free as the wind two miles above Cloud City (Han Solo: the man that dared to climb higher than the clouds).

As is his custom, on the solitary hyperspace journey, Luke ponders the mysteries and the great questions of life. One thought, the most important thought, silences the rest. After extended periods of reflection and intense meditation, the answer comes upon him like a great epiphany.


"I’ve got it!" Luke Skywalker exclaimed, as he adjusted their flight path. "I know what we can get Han as a housewarming gift. We’ll get him an ultrahigh-density household communication screen!"

Sure, that could work... I mean, it will just be Han and Chewie living there, but what if they want to talk to each other from across the house? It's good to be prepared for these things.


The twelve-year-old Jedi Prince strapped into the seat alongside Luke shook his head no. "Sorry, Commander Skywalker," said Ken, "but Han already has two of them."


Well, that's incredibly unsettling. Did your lessons on Han Solo extend to his taste in household appliances? Or is it just a hobby of yours?


And I just love that they're describing him as the "Jedi Prince", yet they still haven't described what the hell a Jedi Prince is. Don't expect that to change anytime soon.

"Oh. Well, scratch that idea then," Luke said, disappointedly. "In fact, scratch all ten of the ideas I’ve come up with so far."

And, like all of life's greatest questions, the answer that once seems so clear just escapes your reach, and is gone, leaving you no closer to truly comprehending it than you ever were. But this does not stop Luke and Ken, for they realize that the answer is not what's important, but the self-discovery the search for the answer allows.


Ken closed his eyes, forcing himself to concentrate. What about getting Han a holo-projector? Or a deluxe power booster for one of his two cloud racing cars? Or what about a supercharged multidirectional laser blaster?

Suddenly Ken bolted upright, pulling against his straps. "I know what we should get Han!" he declared. "A housekeeping droid!"





Someone failed Han Solo 101. But since we've established that the Han Solo of this universe is absolutely nothing like the real Han Solo, we'll roll with it. All it does is open up interesting new possibilities. Maybe this Han Solo has a thing for ponies? Someone could get Chewbacca a mechanical pony to ride. You won't see that in the regular GFFA.


The others offer their opinion on Ken's idea. Naturally, none may disagree with Mr. Sue.


"A housekeeping droid!" the golden droid, See-Threepio echoed. "Now there’s a brilliant idea!"

"Droids make very practical gifts," added Microchip, Ken’s silver droid whom Ken had called Chip for as long as either of them could remember.

"Tzzzooop bcheeeech!" tooted Artoo-Detoo, the barrel-shaped utility droid, signaling his agreement.

The vote from the three droids aboard the spaceship was unanimous: All in favor, none opposed.
"A housekeeping droid!" the golden droid, See-Threepio echoed. "Now there’s a brilliant idea!"

"Droids make very practical gifts," added Microchip, Ken’s silver droid whom Ken had called Chip for as long as either of them could remember.

"Tzzzooop bcheeeech!" tooted Artoo-Detoo, the barrel-shaped utility droid, signaling his agreement.

The vote from the three droids aboard the spaceship was unanimous: All in favor, none opposed.


Personally, I like to think Artoo is calling Ken a ***@#*** idiot. Or something much, much more vile and creative.



"Well, I don’t know," Luke said, knitting his eyebrows. "Han has been a bachelor all his life. Do you think he’d want a droid around to live with him?"




I also like that Luke says that Han has been a bachelor his whole life in a way that suggests that Luke hasn't. Then again, he did have that thing with his sister...



"What does being a bachelor have to do with it?" Ken asked. "A housekeeping droid isn’t like having a wife. It’s just a robot."

"Just a robot?" Chip piped up, offended. "After all we droids have done for you, Ken, you call us just robots?"


You'd think Chip would be used to Ken's intense hatred of all things mechanical by now. Guess he never found the closet.


Threepio, of all people, decides to talk trash about Han Solo.


"The fact of the matter is," replied Threepio, "Han Solo knows nothing about keeping a huge house clean. He’ll need help desperately. He can’t expect Chewbacca to be cleaning up after him all the time! Why, Han and Chewie can’t even keep the cockpit of the Millennium Falcon straightened out! If you ask me, a housekeeping droid is the perfect solution."


Threepio, who let you back in?

"Okay, you’ve convinced me," Luke replied. "But now comes the hard part-choosing the droid."

Well, you convinced someone, I suppose.


Luke shifts course to Tatooine. Ken is confused, and suggests that there surely must be discount droid shops near Bespin.



"I guess you’ve never heard of the Droidfest of Tatooine," Luke said. "That’s the place to go. It’s loaded with JDTs."

"What does JDT mean?" the boy inquired.

"Jawa Droid Traders," Luke explained. "The droidfest is the jawas’ annual sale. They have the biggest selection of droids in the galaxy. And the best prices."


Ken says that he thinks he's actually read about droidfest in the Jedi library. Suuuuuure you have. And I'm not gonna touch the ridiculous notion that what's supposed to be a backwater planet has an annual droid convention that's known galaxy wide. After all, this is just a dream, I can do whatever I want...


After the mention of the Jedi Library, we get the obligatory infodump about Ken, the Lost City, the events of the past books in general, blah blah blah. We also learn that Ken had to learn a wide variety of subjects, from repairing droids to knowing why mynock bats that on asteroids sometime fly upside down.


But here's the big reveal: Ken also discovered buried Imperial secrets, secrets that the evil leader Trioculus would never want anyone to know. But it's not only Trioculus: before Ken left the Lost City, Dee-Jay told him not to reveal these secrets to anyone, even Luke Skywalker himself.


They soon reach Tatooine, "the planet with the twin suns where Luke grew up", and park at a Y-Wing hangar in Mos Eisley. From there, they rent an airspeeder, with an empty chair reserved for Han's future housekeeping droid, and they set off into the bustling crowds, a beacon of civilization and class.




Of course, this being Jedi Prince, every moment is a good moment for an infodump, as Ken gets a load of one of those funny looking vehicles.


"Those are sandcrawlers," Luke explained. "They’re jawa vehicles with tank treads. They’re parked for the droidfest, very close to the palace where Jabba the Hutt used to live."

"Who lives in Jabba’s palace now?" Ken inquired.

"It’s vacant," Luke said, "except for the Ranats that scurry around chewing on the furniture and drapes. You see, when Jabba died, they never found his will. So the government of Tatooine took possession of his palace. For awhile they turned it into the Tatooine Retirement Home for Aged Aliens. But there wasn’t enough money in the budget to keep it open."


The government of Tatooine? Tatooine retirement home for Aged Aliens?



"Didn’t Jabba the Hutt also own the Holiday Towers Hotel and Casino in Cloud City?" Ken asked, remembering something he had read in the Jedi Library.

"For a kid your age, you sure know your history," Luke said. "Jabba did own that casino. But when Jabba died, Holiday Towers was taken over by the government of Cloud City. My old friend, Lando Calrissian, runs it now. He’s the governor of Cloud City."


And now that we've had some plot setup thoroughly crammed down our throats, let's move on.


The Droidfest, that for some reason is held in front of Jabba's palace, seems to have "as many droids as there are stars", and our heroes travel among the colorful tents, trying to find the perfect droid that just says "Han".

They examined HSDs, Housekeeping Specialist Droids, of every size and description. They looked at male droids, female droids, old units, even brand new ones with every possible modern capability.

But one droid seemed to stand out above all the others-a female droid named KT-18. She didn’t seem to be made of metal; her body was the color of a pearl. She was clearly a top-of-the-line HSD.


Oh wow, I forgot about that. In this series, there are male and female droids. Deal with it.



"Actually, nobody calls me KT-18," the female droid said in a nice voice. "I go by the name Kate."

"Kate," said Luke. "I like that. We’re thinking of purchasing you to serve a good friend of ours," Luke explained. "He’s a professional pilot. Have you ever met any Corellian cargo pilots before?"

"Dozens of them," Kate replied. "My first master repaired Corellian spaceships, and I met all the pilots who came into his shop. Before they met me, most of them were rude bachelors with no manners. But I straightened them out."

"Really?" Luke said, surprised.

"One of them even got married because of me. The last I heard, he had six children!"

In my personal canon, Kate ends up at the bottom of a scrap pile within a month.


"Well, Kate," Luke said, "if I buy you as a gift for Han Solo, you’d better lay low when it comes to giving him advice about manners and marriage and stuff like that. If you overdo it, he’ll probably shut down your power unit and advertise you for resale."


Well, at least they somewhat acknowledge this as a possibility.


Threepio receives permission to open Kate's backplate and check out her circuits (ew), and seems impressed.


"Excellent microcircuits," Threepio declared. "Superb mobility, too. It’s rare to find a female droid who’s been manufactured with such quality and-"

"Now, Threepio," Luke interrupted. "I’ve read the manufacturing statistics. There’s absolutely no difference between the quality of materials used to make male and female droids. I’m sorry if that’s a blow to your pride."

"That’s quite all right, Master Luke," said Threepio. "We droids have no pride. Only a sense of honor and duty."


I had no idea Threepio was sexist. I wonder if the Davids were planning on starting a Threepio/Kate romance? Why the hell isn't there fanfiction about this?!


Also, honor is totally an offshoot of pride, Threepio.


Luke initiates haggling with the Jawa's, who clearly know Kate's worth, and refuse to part with her for a cheap price. As they're finishing, a swirling tempest of sand arises from behind the deserted palace of Jabba the Hutt. But this was no simple sandstorm: rather, it signals the coming of a herd of Bantha's- cue explanation of what Bantha's are- all being ridden by savage Tusken raiders- cue explanation of what Tusken raiders are. But that's not the only explanation we're given.


The regional manager of the JDTs began babbling frantically in the jawan language. "It’s a land dispute," Threepio translated. "The sand people say this is their holy burial ground. But the jawas say this land used to belong to Jabba the Hutt, and so it now belongs to the government. They claim it’s perfectly legal for them to hold their droidfest here."


But legal or not, the Tuskens are determined to put an end to the droidfest. Their bantha's trample tents, and their deadly spears kill humans, droids, aliens and jawa's indiscriminately.


"Watch out, Ken!" Chip shouted.

Ken dodged a jawa spear, and it just barely missed him.

"Now you can see why none of us wanted you to leave the Lost City!" Chip cried frantically.

"Ken, get all our droids into a sandcrawler!" Luke shouted.

Ken quickly led their four panic-stricken droids, including Kate, into the shelter of a big, treaded vehicle.

Meanwhile, Luke fought on, outnumbered and surrounded.



Commentary: Well, I'll give them this. Luke has been so incredibly incompetent thus far, that as a reader I do genuinely feel he might not be able to handle these odds.


Zorba the Hutt's Revenge continues the proud Jedi Prince tradition of opening with a lighthearted (if this series contains anything that can't be called lighthearted), incredibly wacky opening chapter. Once again, it's hilarious, and if you're sufficiently sedated, very enjoyable. I mean, from purely a Star Wars fans perspective, there's just so much wrong with this chapter. Han Solo isn't even this chapter, and yet his highly out of character presence simply dominates. And numerous other things add up to make this book, and the series, feel so out of place in the Star Wars universe: male and female droids, Y-wings that are apparently the size of minivans, popular droid conventions on Tatooine, and on and on and on.

Jabba's legacy is a theme that will be "explored" (I use that word very, very generously) in this book. Frankly, I can buy the idea that Jabba had a will. He's the GFFA's equivalent of a Mafia don, after all. Still, would losing it really, really result in a former gang hideout being turned into a retirement home? And speaking of which, whatever happened to those spider brains in a jar? Did the elder folks just kick them out? Selfish.

Next time we'll meet our new big villain. Until then, trust in the dark side.

 

There's a Columi in that picture. Nice.

And -- . A great read.

Tatooine retirement home for Aged Aliens? When I first read $#%^ like that, I think you're making it up. Then I realize it's true, and I still can't believe it. Then I just give up.

Well, that's not hard to believe. Cables in the real world have sexes, for crap's sake.

Well, you're wrong on the last one. That's probably the oldest EU tradition.

 

Yes, but female cables don't tell me to clean my house, try to marry me off and make me have six children

 

You're a lucky man. There's no end to the torments my cables put me through. It's about time I went wireless.

 

Fun detail that I only now noticed : it really looks like R2 was caught shoplifting.

 

Psh, forget Threepio/Kate shipping, I ship ZeeZee with Kate. Han's two housekeeping droids find love together after being abandoned by that Corellian scoundrel.

 

We finally found a woman for Threepio! Now if only the evil Ken and his droid-killing ways can be kept away from the wedding...

And they'll adopt Chip.

 

This guy, maybe?



Although to be honest there's something about Trioculus on that cover that reminds me of Sting's Feyd Rautha portrayal in Dune.

I will admit this made me literally LOL.

I love all these hidden messages you're finding. Well done, sir. Your literature professors should be proud.

This is actually really creepy. Especially with context.

My, the Davids don't hesitate a moment when it comes to sticking RL politically controversial issues in these books!

 

Heh, Zorba's arrest was actually covered in a Holonet News article in the lead up to Episode II.

Also, Trioculus... Weirdly resembles HIM Roan Fel III on that cover. He even seems to have the skunk stripe going.


Sent via Mojave Courier service

 

Someone tag me when the Driver-in-Chief of SPIN, Admiral Ackbar, shows up.

--Adm. Nick

 

Is it telling that when I read this line in your post, I first read it as "Meanwhile Luke fought on, was outnumbered, and surrendered?

 

That migh actually be a Dark Empire reference, after all Han owned a housekeeping Droid for his Nar Shaddaa flat.

Shockingly yes, they apparently have Settlers councils that run things; they even organize public schools, sanitation and militias.

 

While droids are not fundamentally male or female, they still are often programmed to have stereotypically masculine or feminine personalities--so they sound more "'real" to humanoids, I guess. Sometimes, it's not just the programming: droids can be built to look obviously female too, with some extremely realistic examples.

I suppose that the whole "male/female droid" was just a writer's shorthand for "droid with male/female programming." It still doesn't explain why C-3PO would be such a douche.

 

Jabba was a Force-user? This is news to me.

 

Then again, it's probably another poor shorthand. It wouldn't be the first time that "dark side" and "evil" are used interchangeably.

 

I'm not sure either, but it honestly makes him look pretty cool. Another piece of evidence that he's the protagonist?

I also find it interesting that the opening scrawl isn't just covering the movie events and then the book stuff, but is intertwining the two.

"Men were real men, women were real women, and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri..."

Men, women, and aliens? Someone alert the diversity thread...

...and the fleet junkies.

So let's get this straight...Chip is fine with voting to sell one of his fellow droids into a life of involuntary servitude to an acknowledged droid-hater, but when it comes to calling a droid a robot, that's off-limits? I actually found the whole droid trio getting excited about the idea of buying a droid for Han kind of creepy...

I actually like that, after the amount of felgercarb Threepio's had to take from Han for the past five years by this point. I like the idea of Threepio being all diplomatic and officious on the outside, and just containing this seething cauldron of resentment inside that's just now finally boiling over.

Actually, maybe Threepio endorsing getting Han a housekeeping droid as a gift is his way of getting back at Han.

I'm getting this mental image of huge tufts of Chewbacca hair left lying around the Falcon during the shedding season...

Has there ever been any sort of retcon made to equate this with the whole Bomarr Monastery post-ROTJ development that KJA came up with?

If this was written during the more adult days of Del Rey, I can only imagine what sort of implications this line would bring up...

Sheesh, Threepio, buy a girl an oil bath first!

 

This is totally par for the course for this era (ie, the 1990's). I still recall one of the WEG sourcebooks (I think it was the HTTE SB) referring to Chewbacca as "the most famous alien in the New Republic, next to Admiral Ackbar."

Yeah, in those days, diversity wasn't a strong suit for WEG.

--Adm. Nick