FF:VIC Joke for the day :)

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby
English will be the official language of the European Union rather
than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-
year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will
make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in
favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have
one less letter.



There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like
fotograf 20% shorter.



In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the
horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it
should go away.



By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl
riten styl.



Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in
ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl

 

zat iz gut !

Ya

 

....surprisingly accurate

MEN'S PHRASES

"I'M GOING FISHING"
Translated I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand
by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in
complete safety."

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated "There is no rational thought pattern connected with
it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH", "SURE, HONEY", OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU.* IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY
MIND."
Translated "I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing
a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Translated "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of
the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers
of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".
Translated "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS. I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to
death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
Translated "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm
completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Translated "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am
hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't
spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it
could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm
starving."

"I'M NOT LOST.* I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated "No one will ever see us alive again."

 

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at
anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will

give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said:
"That's a long time to be barking. How about only
ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.
For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said:

"Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty
long time to perform. How about I give you back ten
like the Dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

"You must go into the field with the farmer all day
long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give
milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will
give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said:
"That's kind of a tough life you want me to live
for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back
the other forty?"

And God agreed again.


On the fourth day, God created man and said:

"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For
this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said:

"Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the
monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that
makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat,
sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty
years we slave in the sun to support our family. For
the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain
the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit
on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

 

Ok ...another one.


Researchers have recently discovered the heaviest element known to
science: Administratium

Administratium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons,75 deputy neutrons
and 211 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons,which are
surrounded by vast quantities of particles called peons. Since
administratium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be
detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into
contact. A minute amount of administratium causes one reaction to take
more than four days to complete when it would normally take less than
one second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of three years. It does not decay
but, instead, undergoes a reorganization, in which a number of the
assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons and assistant deputy neutrons
exchange places. In fact, administratium's mass will actually increase
over time, since each reorganization causes some morons to become
neutrons, forming new isodopes.

This characteristic of moron transformation leads some scientists to
speculate that administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain
quantity in concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "critical morass". You
willknow it when you see it.

 

Another old joke...but I like it.

Two fish are swimming along side by side, when they run into a wall.
One of the fish turns to the other, and said..... DAM !!!

I'll let myself out...