Discussion in 'South Bend, IN' started by BaseDeltaZero, Apr 30, 2001.
Well, something new to get our post counts up. Feel free to do more than one joke a day if you wish.
Guy goes to the Patents Office with some designs.
He tells the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention, a folding bottle".
Clerk: Oh yes, what do you call it?
Inventor: A fottle.
Clerk: That's a silly name, can you think of something else? Inventor: I'll think about it. I've got something else here, a folding carton.
Clerk: And what do you call that?
Inventor: A farton.
Clerk: That's crude, you can't possibly use that name.
Inventor: Well, I can tell you're going to hate my folding bucket.
You're a pure comic genius!
Warning!!!! This joke is more fun to tell than to hear. Beware......
Two sausages are being cooked in an oven.
The first sausage says, "Geez, it's hotter'n Hell in here."
(scroll down for punchline)
The second sausage goes, "OHMYGOD A TALKING SAUSAGE!!!!"
The new minister's wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family. The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it. When the next child arrived, the minister appealed again and the congregation approved again.
Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expense. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister.
Finally, the minister stood and shouted out, "Having children is an Act of God!!" An older man in the back stood and shouted back, "Rain and snow are Acts of God, too, and we wear rubbers for them!"
Ohh, I'm telling your boss about that one...
There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.
The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.
The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck? --" and the farmer shot him.
An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags, drew her handgun, and proceeded to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car, you scumbags!"
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation, but got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags in the back of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, to no avail.
And then it dawned on her why.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.
The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale males were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
Ten best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:
10."They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9."This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white out. You probably got here just in time."
7. "I wasn't sleeping, I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work- related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken."
2. "Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot."
1. " ... in God's name, Amen."
"A new study shows that licking the sweat off a frog can cure depression. The down side is, the minute you stop licking, the frog gets depressed again."
-- Jay Leno
A business man gets on a plane, tired from another long day where everything went wrong. Sitting there, he reflects on his life, a life where when he was given the choice, he always made the wrong decision. He chose the wrong college, the wrong woman the marry, the wrong car to purchase, the wrong job to accept.
Suddenly, the plane lurches as begins diving to the ground. The man, striken with terror, falls to his knees, praying:
"St. Francis. My whole life has been tough. I never seem to get a break. And now, I'm in a terrible situation. Please, have mercy and save me."
A voice echos in his ear:
"Do you mean St. Francis Xavier or St. Francis of Assisi?"
We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those
interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't
fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew
we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years
beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American
corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants.
1. Said he was so well qualified [that] if he didn't get the job, it would
prove that the company's management was incompetent.
2. Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.
3. Brought her large dog to the interview.
4. Chewed bubble gum and constantly blew bubbles.
5. Candidate kept giggling through serious interview.
6. She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the
7. Balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few
minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.
8. Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle.
9. Asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was
qualified to judge the candidate.
10. Announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and
french fries in the interviewer's office.
11. Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked out during the
middle of the interview.
12. Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as financial vice
13. Said if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the
corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
14. Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific
15. Wouldn't get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to call the
16. When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing
around my office.
17. Had a little pinball game and challenged me to play with him.
18. Bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly thought
of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet.
19. Took a brush out of MY purse, brushed his hair and left.
20. Pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he
collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.
21. Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to insure that the
offer was formal.
22. Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much.
23. While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a
copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at
24. During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's
briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave
for another interview.
25. A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife.
His side of the conversation went like this "Which company? When do I
start? What's the salary?" I said, "I assume you're not interested in
conducting the interview any further." He promptly responded, "I am as long
as you'll pay me more." I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no
other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.
26. An applicant came in wearing only one shoe. She explained that the
other shoe was stolen off her foot in the bus.
27. His attachÃ© [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents
spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.
28. He came to the interview with a moped and left it in the reception
area. He didn't want it to get stolen, and stated that he would require
indoor parking for the moped.
29. He took off his right shoe and sock, removed a medicated foot powder
can and dusted it on the foot and in the shoe. While he was putting back
the shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use the powder four times a
day, and this was the time.
30. Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment
office needed proof that he was looking for one.
Are you sure those aren't "Tips on interviewing for landing that new job!"
"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.
"How do yo know?" the friend asked.
"She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley."
"She's a liar. I spent the night with her sister, Shirley."
LEGISLATIVE OOPS OF THE TONGUE
"I don't know anyone here that's been killed with a handgun."
-- Rep. Avery Alexander, D-New Orleans
"I think we have passed something that we didn't want to do."
--Rep. Chuck McMains, R-Baton Rouge
"I can't believe that we are going to let a majority of the people decide what is best for this state."
--Rep. John Travis, D-Jackson
"This amendment does more damage than it does harm."
--Rep. Cynthia Willard-Lewis, D-New Orleans
"Y'all are hurting my tender ears. I would appreciate it if y'all would scream one at a time."
-- House Speaker John Alario, D-Westwego
"I was 15 years old before I ate my first chicken without tire tracks."
--Rep. Jay McCallum, D-Farmerville
Describing how it is to run through a gauntlet of lobbyists to get to the Senate chamber:
"They're lined up like cooters on a log on a sunshiny day."
-- Sen. B.B. "Sixty" Rayburn, D-Bogalusa
-We don't keep firearms in this house.
-Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?
-You can't feed that to the dog.
-I thought Graceland was tacky.
-No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
-Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
-Do you think my hair is too big?
-I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
-Honey, these bonsai trees need watering?
-Who's Richard Petty?
-Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
-Deer heads detract from the decor.
-Spitting is such a nasty habit.
-I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
-Trim the fat off that steak.
-Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
-The tires on that truck are too big.
-I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
-I've got it all on a floppy disk.
-Unsweetened tea tastes better.
-Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
-My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
-Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
-Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
-Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
-I don't have a favorite college team.
-I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
-Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
Is there a title to your joke, BDZ?
A sports fan was sitting in the top row at the Super Bowl, barely able to
see the field. He noticed a vacant seat about 3 rows back on the 50
yard line. It was still vacant when the 2nd quarter started, so he went
down and asked the man seated next to it if anyone was sitting there.
The man said "No, have a seat." A few minutes later he asked the man if he
knew whose seat this was and why they weren't here at such an important
event. The man said that for ten years it had been his wife's seat but that
she had passed away.
Feeling sorry for the nice man, the fan asked if he didn't have a friend or
family member that he could have offered the seat to instead of just
leaving it vacant. The man said "No, they're all at the funeral."
Weird, it doesn't post the subject now..
It was: Things You Will Never Hear A TRUE Southerner Say!
LOL! Your pic is a GREAT Joke of the Day!
Thank you, I think
There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled
up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began
dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said
one boy. The bucket was so full that a couple of the nuts rolled out and
rested by the fence.
Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed by, he
thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to
investigate. Sure enough he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you,"
and so on. He knew what that meant.
"Oh my gosh!" he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing up the souls
at the cemetery!"
He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come quick!" he yelled, "you won't believe what I just heard. Satan and
St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing up souls."
The old man said, "Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to
walk as it is?"
But after several pleas, the man finally hobbled over to the cemetery where
he heard a voice saying, "One for you, one for me. One for you," and so on.
The old man whispered to the boy, "Boy, you've been telling the truth!
Let's see if we can see the Devil himself."
Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see
anything, but they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for
me. And the last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those two nuts
by the fence, and we'll be done!"
They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy did!
I though it was going to have a different ending. That is just my dirty mind.
Here's an old joke for Kawphy.
A dean of a major college calls his staff from the science department in for a meeting.
"why do you need such expensive equipment. Why can't you be more like the math department, who only need a blackboard and wastepaper basket? Or better yet like the philosophy department, who only need the blackboard."
The Precious BMW
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car come along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.
When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my BMW!" he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"
"Oh my God!" replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was. "Where's my Rolex?!"
Madonna tickets for her Chicago concerts are $250.
"I love my fans, as long as they have alot of money."
-Madonna commenting about her ticket prices.