Joke of the day

Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.

Men are like.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.


Q: How do you know when a woman's about to say something
smart?
A: When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

Q: Why do men pass gas more than women?
A: Because women won't shut up long enough to build up
pressure.

Q: Why were shopping carts invented?
A: To teach women to walk on their hind legs.

Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're
going to want to shoot it.

WISE KING SOLOMON

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man
in a three-piece suit.

"This young CPA agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they haggled before the King, until he demanded silence. "My sword!
Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and we shall hew the young man
in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Fine. Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let this
other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "Indeed, the accountant must marry
the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to hack him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.

"Precisely!" said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE
mother-in-law."

hehehhehehhehehheheheehhe...not all mother in laws are bad....

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day" he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week,eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing." the woman said. "How old are you?"

"Twenty-six," he said.

LOL!!

How many hardware techs does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.

Hurting all over


A young brunette goes into the doctor?s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. ?Impossible? says the doctor. ?Show me.?

She takes her finger and pushes her ankle and screams and so on.

The doctor says, ?You are not really a brunette are you?

She says, ?No, I?m really a blonde.?

?I thought so,? he says, ?Your finger is broken.?

How do you get a blond to laugh on Friday?

Tell her a joke on Monday.

Paul goes to a diner and order the house special chili. "Sorry," the waitress says. "The man next to you got the last bowl."
"I'll just have a coffee then," Paul replies.
After a while he sees that the guy is done and that his chili bowl is still full. Paul asks, "Are you going to eat that?"
"No," the man replies. "You can have it if you want."
Paul takes the bowl and starts eating. When he's about halfway done, he finds a dead mouse in the chili and pukes into the bowl.
The other man says sympathetically, "Yup, that's about how far I got too."

Three old ladys were sitting in the park when a flasher came by and flashed them.


The first lady had a stroke



The second lady had a stroke as well






The third lady didn't touch it at all.

A duck walks into a store. He goes to the clerk and asks "Do you have any gwapes?" The clerk replies "No, I don't have any grapes." The duck leaves.

Next day, the duck walks into the store and asks the clerk "Do you have any gwapes?" "No, I don't have any grapes!" the clerk replies. The duck leaves.

Next day, the duck walks into the store, up the the clerk and asks "Do you have any gwapes?" The clerk is getting very upset. "Look, I told you the past few days we don't have any grapes. Now get out and if you come back and ask for grapes again, I'm gonna staple your feet to the floor!" The duck leaves.

Following day, the duck walks into the store. He approaches the clerk and asks "Do you have any staples?" The clerk replies "No." Then the duck asks "Do you have any gwapes?"

BATTLE OF THE SEXES BASHING

Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.

Men are like.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.


Q: How do you know when a woman's about to say something
smart?
A: When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

Q: Why do men pass gas more than women?
A: Because women won't shut up long enough to build up
pressure.

Q: Why were shopping carts invented?
A: To teach women to walk on their hind legs.

Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're
going to want to shoot it.

Uhh, Mav, you get to much sun at camp? You already posted this.

Where do you find a legless turtle?

Right where you left him!

Awe, shoot, I knew it sounded familiar!

Try this one:

At Frederick's of Hollywood a husband wants to buy his wife
the sheerest lingerie he can find.

"This is $200," says the saleswoman, showing him an item.

"I want one that's more sheer," says he.

"This one is $350."

"Sheerer than that."

"This is the sheerest we have. It's $500."

"I'll take it!" he replies.

The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying,
"Go put this on and come down to model it for me."

She goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take it back for a refund and he won't know the difference." So she comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. "So, how do you like it?" she asks.

He looks at her a moment and says, "Well, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the thing."

Paul goes to a diner and orders the special cold chili. "Sorry," the waitress says. "The man next to you got the last bowl."
"I?ll just have a coffee, then," Paul replies.

After a while he sees that the guy is done and that his chili bowl is still full. Paul asks, "Are you going to eat that?"

"No," the man replies. "You can have it if you want."

Paul takes the bowl and starts eating. When he's about halfway done, he finds a dead mouse in the chili and pukes into the bowl.

The other man says sympathetically, "Yup, that's about as far as I got, too."

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible!"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."

"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?"

"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive
tests more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals.

The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword."

The chief gives him a sword.

The Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me please."

The chief gives him a pistol.

The Englishman says, "God save the queen!" and shoots himself.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork."

The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over. The chief asks, "My God, what are you doing?"

And the New Yorker responds, "So much for your canoe!"

Useful Expressions For Those HIGH STRESS Days

** Well, aren't we just a ray of sunshine?
** Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
** Do I really look like a people person?
** This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
** I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
** You! Off my planet !!
** Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
** Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
** I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
** Did the aliens forget to remove the probe?
** Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
** Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
** And your cry-baby whiny opinion would be...?
** I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
** Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
** Do they ever shut up on your planet?
** I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
** I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
** A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
** Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't
fallen asleep yet.
** I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
** How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
** I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
** I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
** Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
** Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
** Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.
** Earth is full. Go home.
** Is it time for your medication or mine?
** Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
** I plead contemporary insanity.
** How do I set a laser printer to stun?
** I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
** When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.

New Job Interview Techniques
==========================================
Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart,
put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray,
assign them to Finance.

If they are waving their arms and talking out loud,
send them to Consulting.

If they are talking to the chairs,
personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut,
Computer Information Systems is their niche.

If the room has a sweaty odor,
perhaps they're destined for the Help Desk.

If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs,
put them into Purchasing.

If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests,
Public Relations would suit them well.

If they are sleeping,
they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience,
send them to the Technical Documents team.

If they don't even look up when you enter the room,
assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks,
send them to Marketing.

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural history museum.

"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"

"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

Nine Ailurophobic Descriptions of Felines
Even adamant ailurophiles must admit that these are apt descriptions.

Cat: 1. A lapwarmer with a built-in buzzer.
2. A four footed allergen.
3. A small, four-legged, fur-bearing extortionist.
4. A small, furry lap fungus.
5. A treat-seeking missile.
6. A wildlife control expert impersonator.
7. One who sleeps in old, empty pizza boxes.
8. A hair relocation expert.
9. An unprogrammable animal.

Rules to live by for computer users from the Tech Suport Department:

1. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error
messages from here.

2. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee.
It's nothing for us to remember 3,000 screen saver passwords.

3. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave
it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed
animals, dried flowers,bowling trophies and Popsicle art. We don't
have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting
glimpse of yours.

4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's
keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't
get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

5. Don't put your phone extension in your e-mails to the help desk.
We need to keep an eye on the address book performance.

6. When I.T. support sends you an e-mail with high importance,
delete it at once. We're just testing the public groups.

7. When an I.T. person is eating lunch in his cube, walk right in
and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

8. When an I.T. person is having a smoke outside, ask him a
computer question. The only reason why we smoke at all is to ferret
out those clients who don't have e-mail or a telephone line.

9. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up
and flags it as a rush delivery.

10. When you call an I.T. person's direct line, press 5 to skip the
bilingual greeting that says he's out of town for a week, record
your message and wait exactly 24 hours before you send an email
straight to the director because no one ever returned your call.
You're entitled to common courtesy.

11. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support.
There's electronics in it.

12. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call
computer support. We can fix your line from here.

13. When you have a dozen CGA monitors to get rid of, call computer
support. We're collectors.

14. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T.
person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of
the problem. We love a puzzle.

15. If you hate your mouse, get some other pointing device and
discard the manual. We know all the keyboard accelerators.

16. When an I.T. person tells you that computer monitors don't have
cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

17. When you get a message about insufficient disk space, delete
everything in the Windows directory. It's nothing but trouble
anyway.

18. When you get a message about a hard disk controller failure,
and then you reboot and it looks okay, don't call I.T. support.
We'd much rather troubleshoot it when it's dead as a doornail.

19. When you have an I.T. person on the phone walking you through
changing a setting, read the paper. We don't actually mean for you
to do anything; we just love to hear ourselves talk.

20. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly,
reply in scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you
mean by shortly?" That'll get us going.

I can't count how many times #14 has happened to me!

My solution to #14, format c:\. They never seem to want you to work on their computer again.