Sth Bend, IN Joke of the day

Three guys are stranded in the desert and they see a junk yard/convience store. The first one walks in and gets a gallon of water, the next walks in and gets a bag of ice, the third walks in and gets a car door. The two men say to the third why did you get a car door. He replies "If we get hot we can roll down the window."

 

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before the angel to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the angel must decide which of them gets in.
The angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, whereupon she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. The angel says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged. "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She performs a rude act of hygiene and she gets in. Can you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," says the angel, "but even in heaven, a royal flush beats two of a kind.

 

NASTY! What ever happened to a "family friendly environment" mister CR?

 

Oh ya, Well, so much for that.

 

Valid for Men only:

Next time you are going to the bathroom, look what is in your hands.

 

A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.


His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!"


"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."


"Well that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable."


"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STS in the garage, and no more country club, and we'll have to sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller homes, but the decision is yours."


Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.


"Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife.


"That's his mistress," says her husband.

The wife replies, "Ours is prettier."

 

Hmmm...something I should tell WOBDZ?

 

shh....

 

WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: Definitely not!
WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND: Of course I do.
WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?
WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.
WIFE: - - - silence - - -
HUSBAND: Oh Crap!

 

Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when
she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees
the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My, what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About two miles down the road Little Red Riding
Hood sees the wolf again,
and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
My, what big teeth you have, Mr. Wolf."
With that, the wolf jumps up and screams,
Will you go away??? I'm trying to poop!"

 

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her: "Hello. How are you? We've been waiting for you. Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place. How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her. "Which word?" the woman asked. "Love." The woman correctly spelled "l-o-v-e," and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. Then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. My wife and I traveled all around the world.

We were on vacation, and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," the woman told him. "Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

 

2 jokes in 1 day!??? Are you insane?

 

Actually 3 of them.

 

I never claimed to be a algebra expert, geesh.

 

This just goes to prove it.

 

Stupid, but all I could find:

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:
"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

 

That was really really bad.

 

Shut up. You know you didn't get it.

 

Don't take that tone of voice with me, I'm not the one that laid down my bike 3 times this weekend.

 

Only wussies need 4 wheels

 

A guy goes into the store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage".
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for some osher sausage would you ask me if I was Jewish?" Or if I asked for some boudin would you ask me if I was Cajun? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Huh? Huh? Would ya?"
The clerk says, "Well, no."
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then. Why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"
The clerk says, "Because this is a hardware store."

 

Heh, saw that one commin

 

"Indy Knights: Hoosier Daddy, Luke?"

ahhehahehhahehaheahaheeeaehea

 

OMW that was so harsh! ROFL!

 

Ya, it was kind of mean but still funny.