Sth Bend, IN Joke of the day

Discussion in 'Mid West Regional Discussion' started by BaseDeltaZero, Apr 30, 2001.

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  1. BaseDeltaZero Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 5, 2001
    star 4
    The ant and the grasshopper.

    ORIGINAL VERSION:
    The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying in supplies for the winter.
    The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

    Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

    MODERN VERSION:

    The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying in supplies for the winter.

    The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

    Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well-fed while others are cold and starving.

    CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. how can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

    Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green."

    Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house, where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.

    Al Gore exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."

    Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

    Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of Federal judges that Bill had appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.

    The ant loses the case.

    The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.

    The ant has disappeared in the snow.

    The grasshopper is found dead in a drug-related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.
  2. Xmaveric Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2000
    star 5
    A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.

    "Mind if I have a few" he asks.

    "No, not at all" the woman replied.

    They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl. "I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really just meant to eat a few."

    "Oh that's all right" the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."
  3. BaseDeltaZero Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 5, 2001
    star 4
  4. Xmaveric Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2000
    star 5
    Great Truths About Life That Little Children Have Learned:

    1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
    2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
    3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the
    second person.
    4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
    5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
    6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
    7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
    8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
    9. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
    10. The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

    Great Truths About Life That Adults Have Learned:

    1. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
    2. Wrinkles don't hurt.
    3. Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
    4. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
    5. Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
    6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the joy.
  5. BaseDeltaZero Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 5, 2001
    star 4
    Now that is some funny stuff.
  6. BaseDeltaZero Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 5, 2001
    star 4
    I was traveling down the interstate when I had to make a pit stop at a Rest Park.
    The first toilet stall was occupied, so I went into the second one.
    I was no sooner seated than I heard a voice from the next stall say,
    "Hi, how are you doing?"
    Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers and especially under
    those conditions ..... , and I really don't know quite what possessed
    me, but I answered, "Not bad."
    And the stranger said, "And, what are you up to?"
    Talk about your dumb questions! I was really beginning to think
    this was too weird!
    So I said, "Well, just like you I am driving South"
    Then, I heard the stranger get all upset and say, "Look, I'll call
    you right back, there is some idiot in the next stall answering all the
    questions I am asking you. Bye!"
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