Jokes? Anybody?

Discussion in 'Boston, MA' started by RussianCliche, May 31, 2002.

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  1. TK7771 Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Jul 22, 2001
    star 4
    Why men are happier then women

    1. We keep our last name.
    2. The garage is all ours.
    3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
    4. Chocolate is just another snack.
    5. We can be president.
    6. We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
    7. Car mechanics tell us the truth.
    8. The world is our urinal.
    9. We never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
    10. Same work, more pay.
    11. Wrinkles add character.
    12. Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.
    13. People never stare at our chest when we're talking to them.
    14. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
    15. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet.
    16. One mood, ALL the time.
    17. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
    18. We know stuff about tanks.
    19. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
    20. We can open all our own jars.
    21. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
    22. If someone forgets to invite us, he or she can still be our friend.
    23. Our underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
    24. Everything on our face stays its original color.
    25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
    26. We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
    27. We almost never have strap problems in public
    28. We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.
    29. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.
    30. We don't have to shave below our neck.
    31. Our belly usually hides our big hips.
    32. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
    33. We can "do" our nails with a pocket-knife.
    34. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
    35. We can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes
  2. Jedi_Knight150 Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Jul 26, 2002
    star 4
    18. We know stuff about tanks.

    I asked my dad if I could have an Abrams M1A2 for my b-day and he just stared at me while my brother started cracking up. 8-}
  3. PadmeLeiaJaina Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    May 23, 2002
    star 6
    Don't know if this was already posted or not, but here we go:

    You might be a Redneck Jedi if....

    *You ever heard the phrase, "May the Force be with y'all."
    *Your Jedi robe is camoflaged colors.
    *You have ever used your Light Saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill.
    *At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored.
    *You have bantha horns on the front of your land speeder.
    *You can easily describe the taste of an ewok.
    *You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
    *You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit.
    *The worst partof spending time on Dagoba is teh dadgum skeeters.
    *Wookiees are offended by your B.O.
    *You have ever used the Force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
    *You have ever used the Force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
    *Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot!"
    *You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbeque grill to light.
    *You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your landspeeder.
    *You think Han Solo would look better in a flannel cause he looks like a little sissy in that vest.
    *You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Dukes shorts.
    *You have the doors of your X-Wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
    *Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
    *You ever fell in love with your sister.
    *You have ever accidentally referred to Darth Vader's evil empire as "them Damn Yankees!"
    *You have a cousin who bears a striking resemblence to Chewbacca.
    *You suggested that they outfit the Millenium Falcon with Redwood decking.
    *You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels on the rocks during the cantina scene.
    *In your opinion, that Darth Vader feller just "ain't right."[/b]
  4. TK7771 Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Jul 22, 2001
    star 4
    9 Things I Hate About Everyone

    1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know
    where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when
    I ask where the toilet is?

    2. People who are willing to get off their butt to search the entire room for
    the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel
    manually

    3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn
    right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

    4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is.
    Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it?

    5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I
    paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the freakin' floor.

    6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a
    choice there, did ya sunshine?

    7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then
    there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there
    must have been something before it.

    8. When people say "life is short". WTF?? Life is the longest damn
    thing anyone ever freakin' does!! What can you do that's longer?

    9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come
    yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumb ass?
  5. Jedi_Knight150 Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Jul 26, 2002
    star 4
    1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

    2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

    3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

    4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy
    adultery?

    5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

    6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

    7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

    8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

    9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

    10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

    11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist
    but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

    12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

    13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

    14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

    15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the
    English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

  6. Jedi_Knight150 Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Jul 26, 2002
    star 4
    1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
    2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
    3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
    4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
    5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
    6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
    7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
    8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
    10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
    11. Is there another word for synonym?
    12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
    13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
    14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
    15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
    16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
    17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
    18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
    19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
    20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
    21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
    22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
    23. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
    24. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
    25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
    26. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
    27. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
    28. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
    29. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
    30. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
    31. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
    32. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
    33. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
    34. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
    35. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
    36. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
    37. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
    38. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
    39. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
    40. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
    41. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
    42. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
    43. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
    44. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
    45. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
  7. DarthLucanas Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Mar 22, 2003
    star 4
    Former President Bill Clinton jogs everyday and always sees this hooker who yells ? 50 Bucks? when he jogs by.

    So one morning he jogs by her again and she yells ? 50 Bucks? so he replies ? How about 5 Bucks??
    She replies ?Forget it, no way?

    The next day he is jogging with Hillary and they go by the same hooker and she yells
    ? See what you get for 5 bucks? [face_devil] [face_laugh]
  8. Sebulba2179 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Feb 5, 2002
    star 4
    How many Harvard professors does it take to change a light bulb?















    ...















    Just one. He climbs up on a chair, sticks his hand in the socket and bathes the world in his light.
  9. Palps-Padawan Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Aug 24, 2003
    A guy is sitting at a bar when he notices a jar full of money behind the bar. He asks the bartender what it is for , the bartender tells him "Well you can win it by putting $50 in and completing 3 tasks"
    "what tasks?" the man asks.

    "First you have to knock out the big guy down there at the end of the bar , then there is a rabid junk yard dog out back that has a rotten tooth...you got to pull it out , and lasstly that waitress over there has never been satisfied by a man , you have to satisfy her"

    "No way" the guy says and continues drinking.

    About 2 hours later the guy is all liquored up and puts $50 down on the bar and says "I'm im"

    He goes down the end of the bar and hits the big guy as hard as he can...knocks him out cold.

    He goes out back ..and you hear the dog howling and wailing.

    He comes back in zips up his fly and says "O.K. where's the waitress with the bad tooth?"
  10. TK7771 Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Jul 22, 2001
    star 4
    Little Johnny was in his 4th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, etc...

    Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

    "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his
    clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll
    go out to the alley with some guy and do stuff with him for money."

    The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the
    other children to work on some coloring, and took Little Johnny aside to ask him,
    "Is that really true about your father?"

    "No," said Johnny, "He plays for the Red Sox, but I was too
    embarrassed to say so."
  11. Darth Dowe Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Oct 23, 1999
    star 4
  12. Jedi_Outcast77 Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Jun 10, 2003
    star 4
    LOL!!! That is a good one!

    (Just don't tell that one to Darth Moby.)
  13. Dex1138 Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Sep 8, 1999
    star 4
    Moby likes the Yankees ;)
  14. TK7771 Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Jul 22, 2001
    star 4
    Moby likes the Yankees

    Nobodies perfect ;) 8-}
  15. Jedi_Outcast77 Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Jun 10, 2003
    star 4
    I know Moby likes the Yankees. Tell him that joke and we'll have to listen to him rant on about how much the Sox suck all over again and that the Yankees are the greatest thing since sliced bread, and so on. That's why I said don't tell him that one.
  16. Darth Dowe Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Oct 23, 1999
    star 4
  17. Sebulba2179 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Feb 5, 2002
    star 4
    This one might explain why the Yanks have more pennants than the Sox, though. ;)

    **********

    A construction boss at the Big Dig is hiring on some new workers. As he's perusing the list of applicants, he happens to notice a guy named Vinnie, from New York City. I'm not hiring any wiseass New Yorker, the construction boss thinks to himself. He devises a short test that he is sure will prevent him from having to do so.

    Vinnie comes in for his interview, and the boss says, "Okay, here's your first test. Without using any numbers, I want you to represent the number nine."

    "Widdout numbiz?" Vinne says, rubbing his chin. "Dat's easy." Taking a piece of paper and a pencil, he draws three trees and shows it to the boss. "Dat's nine right dere, fella."

    Confuzzled, the boss looks at the drawing. "How do you use this to represent nine?" he asks.

    "I said, dat's easy. Tree an' tree an' tree makes nine. Fuhgeddaboutit."

    "All right," the boss says, moving on. "Now, once again, without using numbers, represent the number ninety-nine."

    Vinnie scratches his head for a moment, then picks up his drawing and smudges each tree. Handing it back to the boss, he reports, "Dat's it, pal, ninney-nine."

    "Do you seriously think you can get ninety-nine out of this?" the boss demands.

    "Lookittit!" snaps Vinnie. "Eacha dem trees is dirty now. Dirty tree an' dirty tree an' dirty tree makes ninney-nine."

    The boss is now getting worried that he'll actually have to hire this guy. Retrieving the drawing, he decides to stump him once and for all. "Okay," he says. "Last question. Without using numbers, represent the number one hundred."

    Vinnie promptly takes back the drawing and makes a small mark next to each tree. "Dere ya go, Mac, a hunnert."

    "Okay," the boss says. "You must be nuts if you think this comes out to one hundred."

    Vinnie leans forward, shoves the drawing in the boss's face and states, "A little doggie comes along and poops on eacha dem trees. So dat's dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd - which makes a hunnert. Badabing, badaboom. When do I frickin' start?"
  18. TK7771 Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Jul 22, 2001
    star 4
    [link=http://www.jillsjokeline.com/snl.html]To funnny had to post it.[/link]
  19. Jedi_Outcast77 Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Jun 10, 2003
    star 4
    That was funny [face_laugh]!

    Edit: can't believe it took me 3 tries to finish this post.
  20. TK7771 Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Jul 22, 2001
    star 4
    Hard decision


    Ted Kennedy has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.

    "I don't know what to do here, "says the devil. "You are on my list but have no room for you."
    "You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do."
    "I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

    Ted thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

    The devil opened the first room: in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

    "No!" Ted said. "I don't think so. I'm not
    a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."

    The devil led him to the next room: in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer,time after time after time.

    "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder.I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Ted.

    The devil opened a third door. In it, Ted saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does
    best.

    Ted looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

    "The devil smiled and said........... "OK, Monica, you're free to go!"
  21. TIEace Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Nov 27, 2000
    star 5
    :D That makes me smile.
  22. Jedi_Outcast77 Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Jun 10, 2003
    star 4
    That makes me smile.

    I bet that Bill wasn't smiling though [face_shocked].
  23. TK7771 Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Jul 22, 2001
    star 4
    Q. Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men?
    A. He thought it was a delivery service.

    Q. What's the difference between Mr. Potato Head and Michael Jackson?
    A. Michael Jackson has had more noses.

    Q. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
    A. One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play
    with and the other you carry your groceries in.

  24. Jedi_Outcast77 Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Jun 10, 2003
    star 4
    Q. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
    A. One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play
    with and the other you carry your groceries in.


    ROTFLMAO!!!
  25. Sebulba2179 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Feb 5, 2002
    star 4
    Ooooooooooohhhhhhhh...those are loweys but goodies, Roy!! ;)

    **********

    An FBI agent, a Customs agent and a DEA agent die and go to heaven, where St. Peter lines all three of them up at the Pearly Gates. He takes the FBI agent aside and leads him into a little room, where a mad dog is waiting. St. Peter locks the door and says, "Mr. FBI Agent, you have sinned. You must spend five years in this room with this mad dog."

    Then St. Peter takes the Customs agent, bringing him into another little room; there's a mad gorilla in there. St. Peter locks them inside and calls through the door, "Mr. Customs Agent, you have sinned. You must spend ten years in this room with this mad gorilla."

    Finally St. Peter takes the nervous DEA agent aside and into another little room, which is empty. "Wait here," St. Peter says. The DEA agent waits for a few minutes, after which Madonna walks in. St. Peter locks the door and calls through, "Madonna, you have sinned!"
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