Jokes? Anybody?

Discussion in 'Boston, MA' started by RussianCliche, May 31, 2002.

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  1. RubiconFett Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Oct 24, 2003
    Hey guys, heard this one while I was down south.....


    What do a tornado and a hillbilly divorce have in common?


    One way or another someone's losing a Trailer.
  2. TIEace Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 27, 2000
    star 5
    Hahaha, sounds like a bad tag line for a movie. :D
  3. Jedi_Outcast77 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 10, 2003
    star 4
    Ever seen the movie Twister?
  4. Jedi_Outcast77 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 10, 2003
    star 4
    Another blonde joke:

    One sunny day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a red Mitsubishi 3000GT for speeding. He walked up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. Immediately, he was stunned by just how beautiful she was! Probably the most beautiful blonde he'd ever laid eyes on. I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am.... could I see your drivers license and registration please." "...What's a license...???" replied the blonde. Big blue eyes sweetly looking up at him. "Your drivers license is generally in a wallet", replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration?.." asked the cop. "Registration?..... What's that....?" asked the blonde. "It's usually in your glove compartment..." said the cop patiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration. "Thank you Ma'am. I'll be back in a minute..." said the cop and walked back to his patrol car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back; "Ummm....is this woman driving a red sports car?" "Yes...." replied the officer. "Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher. "Uh... yes" replied the cop. "Here's what you do...." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants..." "WHAT!!? I can't do that. Its..... inappropriate..." exclaimed the cop. "Trust me..... just do it...." said the dispatcher. So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down and sighs..."Ohh no... not ANOTHER breathalyzer..."
  5. Sebulba2179 Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Feb 5, 2002
    star 4
    When is a Corellian considered a "Man of the Universe"?














    ....














    When he goes to a tavern in a Twi'lek neighbourhood.
  6. Dex1138 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 8, 1999
    star 4
    I do not find that amusing :p
  7. TK7771 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 22, 2001
    star 4
    Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late
    one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big
    brass gong. "What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked. "It's
    not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied. "A talking clock?
    Seriously? asked his astonished friend. "Yup," replied the drunk.
    "How's it work?" the 2nd guest asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the drunk
    replied. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear- shattering pound and
    stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

    Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed:
    "You *******...it's ten past three in the morning!"
  8. Rogue-Girl Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Aug 12, 2002
    star 1
    I hope this one hasn't been said..

    A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering wheel down the front of his pants. The bar man asks, hey, do you know you have a wheel down the front of your pants? The pirate replies YARRRRRRRRRRR, its drivin' me nuts!!!

    another one...equally as cheesy:

    What kind of movie does a pirate watch?

    Rated arrrrrrr movies!


    hehe I love pirate jokes..
  9. TK7771 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 22, 2001
    star 4
    A lady walks into a Lexus dealership and browses around. Suddenly she
    spots the most perfect, beautiful car and walks over to inspect it. As
    she bends forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected
    little burst of flatulence escapes her. Very embarrassed, she anxiously
    looks around to see if anyone has noticed and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

    As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greets her,
    "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

    Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing
    had happened, she smiles back and asks, Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

    Still smiling pleasantly, he replies, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say
    that if you farted just touching it, you are gonna **** when you hear
    the price."



  10. TK7771 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 22, 2001
    star 4
    A man had 50-yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No," he says, "The seat is empty."

    "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

    He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."


    "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible.
    But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even
    a neighbor to take the seat?"

    The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."
  11. Jedi_Outcast77 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 10, 2003
    star 4
    That's just wrong. Funny never the less... but wrong.
  12. Sebulba2179 Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Feb 5, 2002
    star 4
    How many Tolkien purists does it take to change a light bulb?



















    ...



















    None - the light bulb wasn't in the book. :p
  13. TK7771 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 22, 2001
    star 4
    An elderly couple has dinner at another couple's house and after eating, the wives leave the table and go into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen are talking and one says, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

    The other man says, "What's the name of the restaurant?" The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration and finally says to his companion, "Aahh, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?" His friends replies, "A
    carnation?" "No. No. The other one," the man says. His friend offers another suggestion, "The poppy?" "Nahhhh," growls the man. "You know the one that is red and has thorns?" His friend says, "Do you mean a rose?"

    "Yes, yes that's it. Thank you !" ..the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
  14. starwarschick14 Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Feb 19, 2002
    star 4
    Haha, I hope my future husband only does that jokingly in his elderly years. :)
  15. Jedi_Outcast77 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 10, 2003
    star 4
    How do you keep a Turkey in suspense?

    :: scroll down for the answer ::

































    :: scroll up for the answer ::

  16. DarthGyos Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 23, 2001
    star 4
    A woman goes into work. A man gets right next to her, takes a dep breath and says "Gee your hair smells terrific!". This happens for 2 weeks straight. The woman gets frustrated and goes down to personnel. She states her case to the personnel director. Stunned, the director replied "I don't think that is a problem. Actually it's kinda of a compliment."

    Flustered, the girl replied "Troy said it. The midget!"


    ~DG~
  17. TK7771 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 22, 2001
    star 4
    haha! thats a good one! 8-} [face_laugh]
  18. Jedi_Outcast77 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 10, 2003
    star 4
    ...The midget!"

    I believe "small people" is the more PC way to say it ;).

    Does anyone in hear remember when Ozone (former afternoon DJ on WAAF) used to have the Midget Sightings? My brother-in-law had one and called it in [face_laugh].
  19. Jedi_Outcast77 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 10, 2003
    star 4
    Two Gamorrean guards are walking down a narrow, deserted canyon when suddenly a Krayt Dragon comes out and starts chasing them. One of the Gamorreans stops to put on his best running shoes. "Don't waste time," shouts the other one, "you can't outrun a Krayt Dragon with those!" "I don't have to outrun the Krayt Dragon," says the first one as he finishes lacing his shoes, "I just have to outrun you!"
  20. hchristensenfan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 24, 2003
    star 4
    Pat is not feeling very well and he decides to go to a doctor.
    While he is waiting in the doctor's reception room, a nun comes out of the doctor's office. She looks very ashen, drawn and haggard.
    Pat goes into the doctor's office and says to the doctor: "I just saw a nun leaving who looked absolutely terrible. I have never seen a woman look worse."
    The doctor says: "I just told her that she is pregnant."
    Pat exclaims: "Oh my, is she?"
    The doctor responds: "No, but it sure cured her hiccups."
    ----------------------------------------------------------
    One night a blond nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.
    "My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God.
    "Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways," said the nun.
    "There must be something you would have of me," said God.
    "Well, there is one thing," she said.
    "Just name it," said God.
    "It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop."
    "Consider it done," said God. "Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you."
    "There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.
    "Name it. Please," said God.
    "It's the M&M's," said the blonde nun. "They're so hard to peel."
  21. starwarschick14 Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Feb 19, 2002
    star 4
    Hehehe, thank you, we sure needed a joke around here. :)

    Blonde jokes are timeless. I would be very sad if they ceased to exist.
  22. TK7771 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 22, 2001
    star 4
    Martha vs Maxine

    Martha's Way

    Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.


    Maxine's Way

    Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!

    Martha's Way

    To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

    Maxine's Way

    Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

    Martha's Way

    When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake

    Maxine's Way

    Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you.

    Martha's Way

    If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."
    Maxine's Way

    If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!"

    Martha's Way

    Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

    Maxine's Way

    Celery? Never heard of it!

    Martha's Way

    Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

    Maxine's Way

    The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I don't.

    Martha's Way

    Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

    Maxine's Way

    Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!

    Martha's Way

    If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

    Maxine's Way

    Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.

    Martha's Way

    Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

    Maxine's Way

    Leftover wine???????? HEL-LO !!!!!.
  23. TK7771 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 22, 2001
    star 4
    Why I Fired My Secretary...



    Two weeks ago was my 44th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning.I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say,"Happy Birthday!",and probably have a present for me .

    As it turned out,she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember.The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.

    As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said,"Good morning,Boss.Happy Birthday".And I felt a little better that someone had remembered.

    I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said,

    "You know,it's such a beautiful day outside,and it's your birthday,let's go to lunch just you and me."

    I said,"By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day."Let's go!"

    We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

    On the way back to the office,she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

    I said, "No, I guess not."

    She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

    After arriving at her apartment she said,"Boss,if you don't mind,I think I'll go into the bedroom.

    "Sure!" I excitedly replied.

    She went into the bedroom and,in about six minutes,she came out carrying a huge birthday cake

    ----- followed by my wife,children,and dozens of our friends,all singing Happy Birthday . And I just sat there...

    ----on the couch...

    ----naked.
  24. starwarschick14 Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Feb 19, 2002
    star 4
    I have to remind myself not to read this thread while drinking anything. I nearly choked when I got to the end of that one. :)
  25. Jedi_Outcast77 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 10, 2003
    star 4
    ----- followed by my wife,children,and dozens of our friends,all singing Happy Birthday . And I just sat there...

    ----on the couch...

    ----naked.

    :oops:
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