Jokes? Anybody?

Discussion in 'Boston, MA' started by RussianCliche, May 31, 2002.

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  1. hchristensenfan Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Jul 24, 2003
    star 4
  2. hchristensenfan Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Jul 24, 2003
    star 4
    Comedians of the 1930's-1950's Bud Abbott and Lou
    Costello did a comedy sketch about baseball, now
    infamous, titled "Who's on First?" It might have
    turned out something like this in our day of cell phones and computers:

    COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT . . . .
    ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer Store. May I help you?
    COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den
    and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
    ABBOTT: Mac?
    COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
    ABBOTT: Your computer?
    COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
    ABBOTT: Mac?
    COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
    ABBOTT: What about Windows?
    COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
    ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
    COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in
    the windows?
    ABBOTT: A desktop and wallpaper.
    COSTELLO: I already have a desk with a large top, so
    never mind the windows with the computer. I just need
    a computer and software.
    ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
    COSTELLO: No. For the computer! I need something I can
    use to write proposals, track expenses and run my
    business. What have you got?
    ABBOTT: Office.
    COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend
    anything?
    ABBOTT: I just did.
    COSTELLO: You just did what?
    ABBOTT: Recommend something.
    COSTELLO: You recommended something?
    ABBOTT: Yes.
    COSTELLO: For my office?
    ABBOTT: Yes.
    COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
    ABBOTT: Office.
    COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
    ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
    COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK,
    let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want
    to type a proposal. What do I need?
    ABBOTT: Word.
    COSTELLO: What word?
    ABBOTT: The Word in Office.
    COSTELLO: The only word in office is "office".
    ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
    COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows? I told you
    I don't want windows installed in my computer.
    ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
    COSTELLO: I'm going to click your "blue 'W'" if you
    don't start with some straight answers! OK, forget
    that. Can I watch movies on the internet on this
    computer?
    ABBOTT: Yes, you'll want Real One.
    COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I
    watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I
    need!
    ABBOTT: Real One.
    COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel
    2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?
    ABBOTT: Of course.
    COSTELLO: Great! With what?
    ABBOTT: Real One.
    COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a
    movie. What do I do?
    ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
    COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
    ABBOTT: The blue "1".
    COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue "W"?
    ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is
    Word.
    COSTELLO: What word?
    ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
    COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for
    windows"!
    ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word
    in the world.
    COSTELLO: It is?
    ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other
    Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other
    Words out there.
    COSTELLO: And that word is "real one"?
    ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One
    isn't even part of Office.
    COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about
    financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track
    my money with?
    ABBOTT: Money.
    COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
    ABBOTT: Money.
    COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
    ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
    COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
    ABBOTT: Money.
    COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
    ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
    COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer?
    How much?
    ABBOTT: One copy.
    COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
    ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
    COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
    ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

    A FEW DAYS LATER . .

    ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer Store. May I help you?
    COSTELLO: Your pe
  3. Wildstar02301 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Aug 7, 2003
    star 4
    (Note: The following was copied as posted on MECantina.com)

    At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual was arrested when he tried to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

    At a morning press conference, US Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of maths instruction. "Al-gebra is an odd cult whose leader is believed to be a cosine of Osama Bin Laden," Ashcroft said. "There are several divisions and they are prepared to use a wide variety of means to achieve solutions. The members sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.

    "In addition, to using secret code names like "x" and "y", their cells are most likely variable in number, though some claim infinite size and others dispute our estimates as an imaginary number. But we are positive that they belong to a common denominator known as the "Axis of Even", with coordinates in many realms.

    "As the Greek natural philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are three sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared.

    When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said: "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.

    "I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from those who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Under the circumferences, and factoring in all the variables, united we draw the line, cos divided we fall."

    President Bush also warned: "These weapons of maths instruction have the potential to decimal our society on a scalene never before seen, unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and rid the world of this entirely negative organization."

    The President concluded: "Read my ellipse. Here is one principle we have no uncertainty about--though their study groups continue to multiply, we are circling in ever closer to their locus. Their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks. We equate this as an integral part of our formula for success. Al-gebra beware: to the Vector belong the spoils!"
  4. TK7771 Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Jul 22, 2001
    star 4
    Three priests

    Three priests were in a railroad station on their way home to
    Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely,
    well endowed woman wearing a very tight, skimpy sweater.
    She made the three priests very nervous, so they drew straws
    to determine who would get the tickets. The first priest approached the window. "Young lady, I would
    like three pickets to titsburg." He completely lost his composure
    and fled. The second priest goes to the window. "Young lady, I would like
    three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples
    and dimes." Mortified, he also fled. The third priest moves to the window. "Young lady, I would like
    three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels
    and dimes. And, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get
    to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his Peter at you."

  5. hchristensenfan Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Jul 24, 2003
    star 4
  6. Wildstar02301 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Aug 7, 2003
    star 4
    Saw this on another board [face_laugh]

    10. "But I was going to go to Tosche station to pick up some power converters." "Oh, alright, but be back by 9."

    9. "Perhaps you'd like it back in your cell, your highness." "After hanging around with you guys, yes!"

    8. "It's Luke. I know where he is!" "You're dreaming, Leia. Get us out of here Chewie!"

    7. "Join me and we can rule the galaxy as father and son." "Cool!"

    6. "Oh, no! You aren't pulling that old 'remove my restraining bolt' trick on ME!"

    5. "Ten thousand!? We could almost buy our own ship for that!" "You're right, Luke. This guy's a rip-off artist. Let's go."

    4. "Adventure, heh! Excitement, heh! A Jedi craves not these things." "Boring. C'mon, Artoo, let's go."

    3. "I'll ask you one last time. Where is the rebel base?" "Yavin IV"

    2. "Sir, there's another one. No life forms." "Shoot it!"

    1. "These aren't the droids you're looking for." "Well, they sure look like them. You're busted!"
  7. JEDIMASTER6872 Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Apr 5, 2004
    star 2
    have not checked other jokes sorry if I repeat any .....

    Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the
    deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
    When the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Edna the news he said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself right after you saved him, with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so
    sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, " He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

    ______________________________________________________
    A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the
    salesman: I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my
    computer screen. The surprised salesman replies: But, madam,
    computers do not have curtains.... And the blonde said:

    >Helloooo.... I've got Windows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    ______________________________________________________

    A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems
    selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.

    One day, she spoke about her problem with a brunette she worked with at a
    salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car
    easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied the
    blonde, "as long as I can sell the car." "Okay," said the brunette.
    "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop.
    Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to
    50,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be problem to sell it anymore."

    The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.

    About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell
    your car?" "No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000
    miles on it."
    ______________________________________________________

    and my favorite ( DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME !!!! ) :

    A blonde was driving home after a Rangers game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and blew into
    her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her blonde roommate came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed that blowing into the tailpipe would pop out the dents. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, ..... "HELLLLO" "You need to roll up the windows!




  8. JEDIMASTER6872 Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Apr 5, 2004
    star 2
    FINALLY, a male blonde joke

    Two blonde guys are driving a car on a very hilly road. They get to the top of a very high, steep hill and they start going down it very fast.
    The guy driving says "Oh my god! The brakes don't work!" and the guy in the passenger seat says "don't worry, there's a stop sign at the end of this hill."
    ______________________________________________________

    Blonde in Nebraska

    As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door.The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says... "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Nebraska and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
    ______________________________________________________

    A man won a ticket to the Super Bowl, but when he got there, he was very disappointed. He was on the far left, at the back. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than he was to the field, but halfway through the first quarter he spotted the best seat in the house. He went over to the empty seat and said to the guy sitting beside it, "Is anyone sitting here?" "No.", the guy replied. So the man sat down, and about 30 minutes later, he couldn't resist saying, "Man! This is an awesome seat! Whoever gave it up must be CRAZY!" The guy sitting next to him replied, "Well, actually, that was supposed to be my wife's seat, but she died." The man, feeling like **** said, "Oh, that's awful, but couldn't you have asked a relative to come with you?" "No", said the guy. The man was confused, and asked, "Why not?" The guy replied, "Because they're all at the funeral."
    ______________________________________________________

    A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"

    The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch."
    But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"

    Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize!"

    The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!"
    And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads " WIN A BAGEL "
    ______________________________________________________
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