Jokes? Anybody?

A long time ago, in a faraway land...

There was an evil giant who not very nicely moved into a village named Tridia that was at the base of the hill. He made himself ruler and lived on top of the hill. The Trids tried bringing him money and women, but he would not go away and was eating al their food. The locals tried sending up men to deal with the giant. But when they would get to the top of the hill, the giant would just kick them off. *punt* This went on for several days.
One day, a travelling Rabbi stopped at the village. He was told of the mean ol' giant on the top of the hill and how he anyone that tried to get to him was kicked off the hill. Seeing how he was a holy man, the townsfold hoped the giant would listen to him. They begged and pleaded with the man of the cloth to speak to the giant. Eventually he agreed and set off on his way.
The Rabbi climbed to the top of the hill slowly...slowly. Until he was face-to-shin with the giant. The giant looks down at him quizzically and utters, "What you want?"
The Rabbi, remembering the villagers tales, asks, "Not that I'm complaining, but aren't you going to kick me off the hill?"
The giant replies.....














"Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"

 

That was good!

 

Dex, you've never been to Camp Onway, have you?

 

-=groans at the joke=-


no I appreciated it...really I did.

 

Camp Onway??

Anywho...on to my next tale of terror...

There's a biologist who is doing dolphin studies. He's researching long-term affects of human-dolphin interaction. (NOT that kind, you sick-o!) After 3 years of working with the same dolphin, it dies from old age.
Outraged at this setback, the biologist decides to find a way to make dolphins live as long as possible. Months of research pass and he gathers all the items he needs for his serum. But he's missing one thing....a mynah bird.
He makes some inquires and find that a zoo, not too far away, the next state over has a few. However, they're not interesting in selling a mynch bird to help some whacko scientist.
One night, the scientist takes a little drive to this zoo. He breaks in and snatches a mynah bird. Eager to finish his serum, the biologist speeds homeward.
However, this is not our biologist's night. A state patrolman pulls him over and promptly arrests him.
Know why?











He was trying to transport a mynah across state lines for immortal porpoises.

 

UUUUGGGGHHHHH....

(Camp Onway, BTW, is where I first heard that "Silly Rabbi" joke. It's a Boy Scout camp where I spent one positively miserable summer working.)

There are two old friends who live in San Francisco. Their names are Frank Sam and Sam Frank. One day, old age catches up with Frank Sam, and he passes away. When he reaches the Pearly Gates, St. Peter welcomes him cordially inside.

"Here's everything you need," says St. Peter. "Halo, white robe, tassel--oh, and one thing you must never, EVER forget. Here's your harp. If you lose this harp, you're going to be in very deep trouble, so don't ever lose it anywhere. Okay?"

"Sure," says Frank Sam. Into heaven he goes, and he can't believe what a joy it is.

Frank Sam spends several months in heaven, visiting with old friends and family members, playing his harp, and generally having a wonderful time. But one day, he sits down and stares through the clouds at Earth. It's been a while now, and he has barely thought about his old friend Sam Frank. "Hmm," he says to himself. "I wonder how he's doing?"

So he goes to St. Peter and explains the situation. "I'd kind of like to go see my old friend Sam Frank," he says. "See, he's a nice guy, but he was kind of down on his luck a little while ago. I just wanted to go see how he was doing."

"Well, normally we don't permit it," St. Peter says. "But for the sake of your close friendship, okay. Just be back here by midnight--and don't forget your harp."

"Right, got it," says Frank Sam. He hides his wings under an overcoat, his halo under a stocking cap, and tucks his harp under his arm. Then he returns to Earth.

When he sees Sam Frank, the two old friends are joyously reunited. "Hey, Frank Sam!" says his pal. "What are you doing back here??"

"Oh, they let me come down for a visit so I could see how you were doing," says Frank Sam.

"Pretty well," says Sam Frank. "I've opened up a disco club downtown. Want to come try it?"

"Sure!"

So they go to the disco club, and Frank Sam can't believe what he's been missing all this time. This is an amazingly good time! He lays his harp against the wall next to Sam Frank's office, and he starts right in, dancing and swinging and rollicking around. This is the most fun he's ever had.

In fact, he's having so much fun that he doesn't even notice the time until he overhears somebody saying it--it's five minutes to midnight. "ACK!!" cries Frank Sam. "I have to get back to heaven or I'm toast!" He bolts from the club, and goes tearing down the streets until he reaches his return point. He jumps up, and returns to the Pearly Gates, making it with one minute to spare.

But St. Peter doesn't look very happy.

"Ahem," says the saint, folding his arms. "Lose something?"

Frowning, Frank Sam checks himself out. He thinks he has everything--wings, halo, robe...then it hits him.

"Oh, no!" he cries, slapping his forehead.














"I left my harp in Sam Frank's disco!"

 

no more! no more! -=writhes in agony on the floor, reminiscent of one luke skywalker=-


just kidding

 

The cloning operation on Kamino was not, initially, a success. In fact, Jango Fett did a little bit of experimenting beforehand. But the experiment turned out disastrous, giving Jango the ugliest, most repulsive clone he had ever seen. To hide his mistake, he punted the clone off the landing pad into the storm-tossed ocean.

However, little did he know that Count Dooku was sticking his plants into the rain for watering, and witnessed the act.

Jango was subsequently brought up on charges of making an obscene clone fall.

 

come on people you can all do better than that!!

 

I have a zillion german friends and you'd be suprised how many times I have had to explain how to do the simplest things...
http://www.ilovebacon.com/043002/f.shtml

(yes, I am forcing you to cut and paste)

 

Three women are sitting in a sauna. Suddenly, there is a beeping
sound. The first lady presses her forearm and the beeping stops.
The others look at her curiously. "That's my pager," she says, "I have
a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rings. The second woman lifts her
palm to her ear. When she finishes she explains, "That's my mobile phone. I
have a microchip in my hand."

The third woman, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the
sauna. In a few minutes she returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging
from
the crack of her butt. The others raise their eyebrows.

"Oh, excuse me. I'm getting a Fax."

 

A man takes the day off work and
decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he
notices a frog sitting next to
the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is

about to shoot when he

hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."


The man looks around and doesn't

see anyone. Again, he
hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks
at the frog and decides to

prove the frog wrong, puts the
club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the

cup. He is shocked. He says
to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.

You must be a lucky frog, eh?

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog
with him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the

man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
Boom! Hole in one. The

man is befuddled and doesn't know

what to say. By the end

of the day, the man golfed the

best game of golf in his life and
asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas.


" They go to Las Vegas
and the guy says, "OK frog, now
what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon
approaching the roulette table, The man

asks, "What do you think I should
bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit
$3000, black 6."

Now, this is a
million-to-one shot to win, but
after the golf game the man

figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.


The man takes his winnings and
buys the best room in the
hotel. He sits the frog down and
says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and
I am forever grateful."

The frog replies,

"Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not,

since after all the frog did for
him, he deserves it. With a
kiss, the frog turns into a
gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that,

your honor, is how the girl

ended up in my room. So help me God


or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

 

ok not as cool as the other jokes or anything but this was forwarded to me by my friend, i got a kick out of it ~

A furious light sabre duel is under way. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER toward the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader, chops off Luke's hand! It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft.

Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down.

DARTH VADER: "Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father."

LUKE: "He told me enough! He told me you killed him!"

DARTH VADER: "No! I am your father!"

LUKE: "No, it's not true! It's impossible."

DARTH VADER: "Search your feelings; you know it to be true."

LUKE: "NO!"

DARTH VADER: "Yes, it is true and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?"

LUKE: "Threepio?"

DARTH VADER: "Yes, Threepio, I built him when I was seven years old."

LUKE: "No."

DARTH VADER: "Seven years old? And what have you done? Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the swamp."

LUKE: "I destroyed your precious Death Star!"

DARTH VADER: "When you were 20! When I was 10, I single handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!"

LUKE: "Well, it's not my fault."

DARTH VADER: "Oh, here we go. 'Poor me, my father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday, boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith..waahhh wahhh!'"

LUKE: "Shut up."

DARTH VADER: "You're a slacker! By the time I was your age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights!"

LUKE: "I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon!"

DARTH VADER: "Oh, for the love of the Emperor, 10 years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open. Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer, right here baby!"

Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step toward it.

DARTH VADER: "I was wrong. You're not my kid. I don't know whose you are, but you sure ain't mine."

Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft.

Darth Vader looks after him.

DARTH VADER: "And get a haircut!"

 

Lol. I remember that being posted on the TFN main page. Thats hilarious.

 

DOH sorry, i didn't realize that came right from TFN..i sowwy but it is funny hehe

 

Thats quite alright, any jokes will do in this thread.

 

LoL! That's great!

 

HeHe!! I've read that before,still kills me!!

 

Get a haircut! lol
You'd think that was Mara talking...

 

P

 

Not really a joke, but massively funny in it's own respect. This was posted earlier in the games forum and I quote:

"I am going to gateway today to get a 3D card Gforce4 and they have to install it and well the question is when they install it will it erase my saved games from other video games like JK2 and other games?"

I can't contain myself that's way too funny.

 

The perfect breakfast:
You're sitting at the table and your son is on
the cover of the box of Wheaties. Your mistress is on the cover of
Playboy. And your wife is on the back
of the milk carton.


A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out
when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear
a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually
alive! She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies. A ceremony
is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the
pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking,
the husband cries out, "Watch the wall!"

 

LoL! I love that last one.

 

haha, I love retarded people like that.