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Jokes? Anybody?

Discussion in 'Boston, MA' started by RussianCliche, May 31, 2002.

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  1. death-sticks

    death-sticks Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 15, 2002
    [face_laugh] these are all so hilarious!!
     
  2. Sebulba2179

    Sebulba2179 Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Feb 5, 2002
    A blonde calls 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher. "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cries.

    The dispatcher responds, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

    A few minutes later, the officer radios in.

    "Disregard," he says. "She got in the back seat by mistake".
     
  3. TIEace

    TIEace Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Nov 27, 2000
    LoL! Always love a blond...er...blonde...whatever...joke! :D
     
  4. TK7771

    TK7771 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jul 22, 2001
    New flash spoof!!

    [link=http://www.starwarsspoofs.com/maul.html]enjoy[/link]
     
  5. TK7771

    TK7771 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jul 22, 2001
    George Carlin Strikes Again

    Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little
    bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards:
    NAIVE

    Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a
    peeing section in a swimming pool?

    OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and
    the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the
    Tennessee Titans?

    If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that
    one enjoys it?

    There are three religious truths:
    1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
    2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
    Christian faith.
    3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at
    Hooters

    1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several
    times, does he become disoriented?

    2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
    Holland called Holes?

    3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

    4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

    5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

    6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

    7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two
    cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?

    8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

    9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just
    stale bread to begin with?

    10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

    11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a
    person who drives a race car not called a racist?

    12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

    13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

    14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

    15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English
    language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

    16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it
    follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,
    cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners
    depressed?

    17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

    18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

    19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald
    men?

    20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a
    whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . .
    they're cramming for their final exam.

    21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny
    little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers
    use? Toothpicks?

    22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
    What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just
    put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look
    for them while they deliver the mail?

    23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the
    others here for?

    24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

    25. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is
    winning.

    26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
    zigzag?

    27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next
    door went nuts.

    28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

    29. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
     
  6. death-sticks

    death-sticks Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 15, 2002
  7. Jedi_Knight150

    Jedi_Knight150 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jul 26, 2002
    Did you know that some drive-through bank machines have brail on them?

    Also, in Texas, they have drive-through liquor stores. For the drink driver on the go. "I can't go into the store! I've got places to go, people to hit." "Christmas time, up on the sidewalk.." *bump* *bump* *bump* (the last one came from Drew Carry)
     
  8. TK7771

    TK7771 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jul 22, 2001
    The newlyweds entered the elevator of their Miami Beach hotel.
    The operator, a magnificent blonde, looked at them in surprise and
    said, "Why, hello, Teddy, how are you?"
    A frosty silence prevailed until the couple reached their room, when
    the bride demanded: "Who was that woman?!"
    "Take it easy, honey," said the groom, "I'm going to have trouble
    enough explaining you to her."
     
  9. TK7771

    TK7771 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jul 22, 2001
    Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days.
    Eventually, Michael, the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
    He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God released a deep sigh of
    satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
    "Look, Michael, look what I've made."Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said,
    "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it.
    I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
    "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

    God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example, northern
    Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern
    Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot.
    Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there
    is a continent of black people." God continued, pointing to different countries.

    "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and
    covered in ice."

    The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and
    said, "What's that one?"

    "Ah," said God. "That's New Hampshire, the most glorious place on Earth.

    There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, sunrises and beaches.
    The people from New Hampshire are going to be modest, intelligent, and
    humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be
    extremely sociable, hardworking, and high-achieving, and they will be known
    throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

    Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about
    balance, God? You said there would be balance!"

    God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the crazy bunch of wackos I'm
    putting next to them in Massachusetts."
     
  10. TIEace

    TIEace Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Nov 27, 2000
    George Carlin. [face_laugh]

     
  11. TK7771

    TK7771 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jul 22, 2001
    Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the
    fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men
    started talking and bragging about their sons.

    The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so
    successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."

    The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line
    dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully
    loaded."

    The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker,
    and he's doing so well that he gave a friend an entire portfolio."

    The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of
    business. The first man mentioned, "We are just talking about our sons. How
    is yours doing?"

    The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gay bar."
    The other three men grew silent as he continued,

    "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing, but he must be doing well. His
    last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock
    portfolio."

     
  12. death-sticks

    death-sticks Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 15, 2002
    these are great, guys!
     
  13. TK7771

    TK7771 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jul 22, 2001
    [link=http://wtv-zone.com/JBond/chowmein.swf]hungry?[/link]
     
  14. death-sticks

    death-sticks Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 15, 2002
    keep em comin!
     
  15. TK7771

    TK7771 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jul 22, 2001
    What's the definition of eternity?
    4 blondes at a 4-way stop intersection.

    *********************************************

    What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
    Popeye almost killed him!
     
  16. death-sticks

    death-sticks Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 15, 2002
  17. TK7771

    TK7771 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jul 22, 2001
    MOM'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS

    As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a
    wonderful time playing on the bed.

    At one point, she said, "Mommy, look at this," and stuck out two of her
    fingers.

    Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my
    mouth and said, "Mommy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them
    before I rushed out of the room again.

    When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers
    with a devastated look on her face.

    I said, "What's wrong honey?"

    She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

     
  18. TIEace

    TIEace Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Nov 27, 2000
    :D Gross!
     
  19. TK7771

    TK7771 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jul 22, 2001
    Star Trek and Iraq

    The Iraqi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech,
    and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush. They shake hands
    and as they walk the Iraqi says, "You know, I have just one question about
    what I have seen in America."
    President Bush says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I
    will."

    The Iraqi whispers "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are
    Russians, Blacks, Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset.
    He doesn't understand why there are never any Arab characters?"

    President Bush laughs and leans toward the Iraqi , and whispers back, "It's
    because it takes place in the future."


    Someone sent me an article that said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish things you've started. It is definitely working for me. I am now making a point of always finishing what I start,and I think I am well on my way toward finding inner peace. Because I care for you, I am passing this wisdom on to you.

    Here are the things that I have finished today:

    Two bags of potato chips,
    A strawberry cheesecake,
    A package of Oreos,
    A bag of jelly beans,
    And a large box of chocolates.

    I think this really works because I feel better already>
     
  20. TK7771

    TK7771 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jul 22, 2001
    For Non-Morning People:

    I woke early one morning,
    The earth lay cool and still.
    When suddenly a tiny bird,
    Perch on my window sill.

    He sang a song so lovely,
    So carefree and so gay.
    That slowly all my troubles,
    Began to slip away.

    He sang of far off places,
    Of laughter and of fun.
    It seemed his very trilling,
    Brought up the morning sun.

    I stirred beneath the covers,
    Crept slowly out of bed.
    And gently lowered the window,
    And crushed his freakin' head.
     
  21. TK7771

    TK7771 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jul 22, 2001
    Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to
    be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and
    calls emergency services.


    He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in
    calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure
    he's dead."


    There is a silence, then a shot is heard.


    Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"

     
  22. DarthMeatloaf

    DarthMeatloaf Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    Jul 14, 2002
    :D That sounds like a few people I know....
     
  23. Grand Admiral Reese

    Grand Admiral Reese Jedi Knight star 6

    Registered:
    Sep 1, 1999
    That last joke was recently determined to be one of the funniest jokes in the world.
     
  24. Dex1138

    Dex1138 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Sep 8, 1999
    While amusing, I don't think it should be one of the funniest :)
     
  25. Darth Dowe

    Darth Dowe Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Oct 23, 1999
    Hitler: I have a dog with no nose...

    Nazis: How does he smell?

    Hitler: Awful! :p
     
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