Jokes? Anybody?

at least my jokes are funny

 

Dude, that one was from Monty Python!

 

Still wasnt funny,well at least the way you told it

 

I stirred beneath the covers,
Crept slowly out of bed.
And gently lowered the window,
And crushed his freakin' head.

funniest. thing. ever.

 

Lawyer joke:

A guy phones a law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist says, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week." The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." Once again the receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week."

The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say, "I want to speak to my lawyer." "Excuse me sir," the receptionist says, "but this is third time I've had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" The guy replies, "Because I love hearing it!"

 

Anybody here every seen the movie "Armageddon"?

This guy spots a meteor coming towards earth and calls up NASA to tell them about it.

Guy: Since I found it I get to name it right?

NASA: yes sir, you do.


Guy: I'd like to name it after my wife Dotty.


His wife smiles in the background.


Guy: Because she is a cold, heartless b**** that sucks the life out of everything she touches.

 

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily
against a wall. The owner asks the clerk "What's with that guy over
there by the wall?" and the clerk goes "Well, he came in here this
morning to get something for his cough.

I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner goes "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!"
and the clerk goes "Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough!"

 

This has nothing to do with sept 11,



I want to know the deal with Kamikazee pilots. They train to fly into things and sacrifice themselves, how do you train for that?
Instructor: ok todays training, you will take your plane up locate the bridge and crash into it
Do you fail the course if you survive?
Also, the planes they fly have seatbelts, why? incase the air police pull them over?
and what about the helmets? why do they need helmets, its not like they can survive the crash.

 

why did the police in brooklyn take off
9-1-1 on there car

CAUSE THE PEOPLE THOUGHT IT WAS A PORSCHE 911

 

...

I liked the kamikaze one, but I don't get the last one...

 

I can logically explain seatbelts and helmets, but I don't understand the Porsche joke.

 

ok porsche 911, police car with 911 label on it, that should clear things up

 

I get that, but why is it funny? ?

 

never mine tony

 

Indeed.

-----------------------------------------

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

 

Tieace, thank you, thats part of my 2 minute act i'm using on a radio competition. as far as i know i made it up myself. still trying to figure out where to go from there.

 

Here's another lawyer joke:

Two alligators meet in a swamp. There is a huge alligator and a small, scrawny one. The little alligator says "Gee, how did you get so big?? We both eat the same thing!" the big alligator says "Oh, well... What do we eat?" and the little alligator says "Well, we both eat lawyers..." The big alligator says "Well, how do you catch the lawyers?" The little one says "I hide beneath a Porsche, wait till I see a pair of shiny Gucci shoes, and then I jump out, shake the crap out of them and eat them." "There's your problem," the big alligator says to the smaller, "When you shake the crap out of them there's nothing left but lips and a briefcase."

You Rebel Scum!
~Bôba Fe++

 

A woman runs into a police station and screams "I've just been raped by a lawyer!"

The police chief says, "Did you know this man?"

She replies, "No, I've never seen him before in my life."

The chief, puzzled, says, "Well then how do you know he was a lawyer??"

The woman looks at him and says, "Because I had to do 50% of the work."

You Rebel Scum!
~Bôba Fe++

 

mine is just a simple riddle

what food do you throw away the outside, cook the inside, eat the outside, and throw away the inside?

ponder it, you will.

 

TFN Top 10 list
Top 10 Ways to get Lucas to make Eps. 7-9
by the readers of TheForce.Net

10. Label three tapes in his Library "Episodes 10, 11 and 12". That way he'll think he has to make the prequels.
by Jedi Girl of Corellia
9. If he doesnt do them, James cameron will!
by spineless oaf

8. Threaten to mass produce copies of the Holiday Special
by ME

7. One word: Wedgie.
by Keith

6. Come up with a foolproof way to do it *without* totally, utterly and completely annihilating the continuity of the Expanded Universe.
by Keith

5. "Make them - or your flannel collection gets it!"
by Keith

4. "The Force can have a strong influence on the financially minded."
by Keith

3. Claim that the numerous times he said he wasn't going to make 7, 8 and 9 were all part of a different continuity that can be discarded piecemeal or wholesale at will.
by Keith

2. Catch his eye by submitting witty yet insightful response to TFN Humor Top Ten lists
by Sardaukar

1. Promise George that some of his submissions for Captioning and Top Ten get posted.
by Sardaukar

-----------------------------------

10. Kill him, Clone him.
by Darth Bentastic

9. Tell him you found the dialogue in Episode II moving and true-to-life.
by Keith

8. Convice his kids it's a good idea!
by rufus holmes

7. Remind him that he cant do worse than Episode 1.
by Jonathan Higdon

6. If Lucas is anything like McCallum, he'll be easily swayed with maple syrup...
by Jettafice

5. Three words....Portman, Gold, Bikini.
by The Unposted Menace

4. Are you sure that's a good idea? Look what Episodes 1 and 2 has done to the series for crying out loud!!!
by Ersh

3. Pith him an idea for a big musical production number with dancing Ewoks and Jawas
by Harvey the Rabbit

2. "You aren't gonna stand for some prissy novelist killing off Chewie before you get a chance,are ya?"
by RPM

1. Have Australian Jedi zealots take over the Ranch compound and threaten to burn down the laundromat.
by Obi No

-----------------------------------

10. There arn't any, guys.
by G. Lucas

9. Sit him down on a sofa and make him watch the xmas special on a loop tape untill he signs the contract to make the movies.
by (insert Star Wars name here)

8. Don't. Just ask Speilberg.
by Max

7. One midnight visit from the ghost of Gene Roddenberry .
by snowdog83

6. Bring out the comfy chair!!!
by Darth Penelope

5. From your deathbed, tell him: "George...there is a...no...ther tri...lo...gy..."
by Harsh Raider

4. "PPPLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEE?!?!?!?!?"
by Trinity

3. *insert shotgun loading sound here*
by Bob

2. .....Are you sure that's such a good idea? Who knows how many other god-awful CGI comic characters he's got up his sleeve?
by Keith

1. NOOOOO! PLEASE, GOD, DONT LET HIM DO IT!!!!
by Martin Guerre

 

Top Ten Rejected Star Wars Novels
by the readers of TheForce.Net

10.An "In depth" book about Luke going through puberty. ( And we thought he was whiny now.)
by Smokey the Narcoleptic Arsonist
9.Chicken Soup for the R2 Unit's Soul
by Master Nick

8.The Courtship of C-3P0
by Sreya

7.Fuzzy Wuzzy was an Ysalamiri
by Sreya

6.Yoda's Gurde to Better English
by Big D

5.Han Solo and the Continuity Correction
by Keith

4. Chewie: Resurrection
by Keith

3. Young Jedi Knights: The Dark Side is Fun
by Jedi Adam

2. Gone With the Windu
by Jedi Chance

1. Everything You Never Wanted To Know About The Yuuzhan Vong But Have Been Forced To Find Out
by Keith

------------------------------------------------------------

10. The next book sequel to the book prequel to the movie prequel that follows the previous book sequel to the first movie prequel that comes shortly before the prequel to the sequel's prequel.... etc.
by Darth Repetitious

9. Lando Calrissian and the Goblet of Fire
by Conor Edmiston

8. The 2 page novel "Where Money Got Me", by Greedo
by Darth Koopa

7. Sith Powers for Dummies
by The Emporer's Foot

6. "How Jabba got his Groove Back"
by Jet Vega

5. Leia and Mara go Shopping While Han and Luke Carry Their Purchases
by Yub yub

4. Zen and the Art of Speederbike Maintenance
by JediTook

3. The 'Entertaining and good Star Wars tale with interesting characters that fits in perfectly with the movie continuity and won't be obsolete by Episode III' novel.
by AnotherAgentSmith

2. George Lucas and the Giant Pile Of Money
by Keith

1. ....they actually REJECT Star Wars novels?
by Conquistador

--------------------------------------------------------------------

10. The Darth Maul story. Comes in two parts.
by Emperoress Palpatine

9. "I am still finding sand in really strange places - The Anakin Skywalker story"
by Tara - Wan Kenobi

8. The Thumb of Thrawn
by Looke Groundrunner

7. Men Are From Tatooine, Women Are From Naboo
by Darth Where

6. One Flew Over the Dooku's Nest
by Dubya Fett

5. The Old Man and the Dune Sea
by sleepless in selonia

4. The Hitchhikers Guide to a Galaxy Far far Away
by sleepless in selonia

3. Splinter in my Damn Eye
by Lelila

2. Ewoks... The Other White Meat
by Walter Danek


And my absolute favorite submission...

1. Star Wars: Return of the wrath of the revenge of the Jedi in the Dark Empire's shadows from the Mos Eisley Cantina......trilogy. (Also a book on tape, as read by Gilbert Godfried.)
by Blowmi-One-Cannolli

 

How many Sith does it take to change a lightsaber?











Always two there are....

 

BAD JOKE ALERT........



















Two Jawas are walking along a known area in the Dune sea, where droid parts are. One picks up a Droid Appendage looks at it, then puts it down, and says "Utinni"
The second Jawa who happens to have a head cold looks at the first Jawa and says
"too tiny, geez you are picky"



Hey i warned you it was a bad joke

 

What's the answer to the riddle?

 

no one even ventured a guess yet!