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Jokes? Anybody?

Discussion in 'Boston, MA' started by RussianCliche, May 31, 2002.

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  1. Darth Dowe

    Darth Dowe Jedi Padawan star 4

    Oct 23, 1999
    Corn on the cob! Throw away the husk, Cook the corn. Eat the kernels and then throw away the cob.

    Can't fool me. :)
  2. idarii

    idarii Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jun 25, 2002
    doh ok you win :p
  3. TK7771

    TK7771 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jul 22, 2001
    Not really a joke but funny none the less.

    [link=]Go here![/link]
  4. Royal_Handmaiden

    Royal_Handmaiden Jedi Youngling star 1

    May 25, 2002
    Ahh that's very cute. I like the beginning with the classic Skywalker whining! :)
  5. idarii

    idarii Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jun 25, 2002
    appeared in my email this morning, couldn't resist ;)

    According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both the male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after They give birth in the spring.

    Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

    We should've known. ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
  6. TK7771

    TK7771 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jul 22, 2001
    This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede(100-legged bug), which came in a little white box. He took the box back home, found a good location for it and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time;this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?" A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my freakin' shoes."
  7. TK7771

    TK7771 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jul 22, 2001
    Can you believe it?

    Monica Lewinsky turned 28 this week. It seems like only yesterday she
    was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees.
  8. IG_88a

    IG_88a Jedi Padawan star 4

    May 15, 2002
    LOL Roy, love that one :D

    How many star wars fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    none, get artoo to do it

    ok a bad joke, but it bumbs this thread up
  9. TK7771

    TK7771 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jul 22, 2001

    10. The cucumber has left the salad.
    9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
    8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
    7. Paging Mr. Johnson...Paging Mr. Johnson.
    6. Elvis has left the building.
    5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
    4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
    3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
    2. Men may be From Mars, but I can see something that rhymes with

    And the #1 Way to tell someone their zipper is unzipped .....

    1. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary"
  10. Darth Dowe

    Darth Dowe Jedi Padawan star 4

    Oct 23, 1999
  11. TIEace

    TIEace Jedi Knight star 5

    Nov 27, 2000
    1. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary"

  12. TK7771

    TK7771 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jul 22, 2001
    A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.
    She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse springs into motion.
    It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
    In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
    She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
    Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is
    struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground,she is mere
    moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune........
    Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse .
  13. TK7771

    TK7771 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jul 22, 2001
    Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke,when it started to rain.
    One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

    Lady 1: What's that?
    Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
    Lady 1: Where did you get it?
    Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

    The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

    The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

    Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

  14. IG_88a

    IG_88a Jedi Padawan star 4

    May 15, 2002
    Three married couples (one elderly, one middle aged and newlyweds) are speaking to a priest about joining the church.
    The Priest sent them all home with instructions to not have sex for 2 weeks and then return.
    After two weeks all three couples come back to the church and the priest asked them how they went, first the elderly couple
    ELderly Couple: We had no problems, it was easy not to have sex
    Priest: You may join our church

    Then came the middle aged couple
    Middle aged couple: the first week was hard, but once we got past that, we had no problems.
    Priest: you may join our church

    then came the newlyweds
    Newlyweds: we failed.
    Man: when i saw her bend over, i just had to have her
    Priest: Bend over?
    Man: When she dropped the paint, and bent over to pick it up, i took her.
    Priest: I'm sorry, you aren't welcome here
    Woman: Yeah thats what Wal-Mart said too
  15. Crix-Madine

    Crix-Madine Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Aug 7, 2000
    This guy walks into a bar.

  16. Jedi_Satimber

    Jedi_Satimber Jedi Knight star 8

    Jul 3, 2002
    I missed this part of your forum. [face_blush]

    I started a joke section on our website...have only just begun with starting it though....

    I will have to dig up some jokes and share them with you all.

  17. TK7771

    TK7771 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jul 22, 2001
    A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from
    the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed,sweating
    and panting.

    What's up?" he says.

    "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

    He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing,
    his 4-year-old son comes up and says "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding
    in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

    The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom,
    past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.Sure enough, there
    is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

    "You rotten SOB ," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and
    you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
  18. Jedi_Knight150

    Jedi_Knight150 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jul 26, 2002
    Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear in a Fast-Food Restaurant

    10. "Welcome to Burger King. I am Pepe, the Burger Prince. May I take your order?

    9. "Did you want to eat here, or are we going back to your place?"

    8. "Cheeseburger, French fries and Coke... $94"

    7. "You know that Subway guy, Jared? I've got him out in my trunk"

    6. "I personally check the quality of everything I sell"

    5. "The onion rings are laughing at me!"

    4. "Here's your food, and here's the name of a gastroenterologist"

    3. "I just ate the toy from the kids' meal and I don't feel so good"

    2. "Don't bother me. I'm on my lunch break"

    1. "Employees must wash their hands... Please."
  19. TK7771

    TK7771 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jul 22, 2001
    "Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I
    look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of
    their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of
    work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is
    better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish
    and worry about my liver." ~ Jack Handy

    "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning,
    that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " ~Frank Sinatra

    "An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his
    fools." ~ Ernest Hemingway

    "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~ Henny


    "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." ~ Stephen


    "When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we
    fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
    Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" ~ Brian O'Rourke


    "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin


    "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.
    Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
    not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry




    Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.


    To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

    And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One
    afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his
    buddy Norm. Here's how it went: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd
    of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd
    is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed
    first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the
    general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular
    killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can
    only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of
    alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the
    slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of
    beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more
    efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
  20. 0bi-WanKenobi

    0bi-WanKenobi Jedi Youngling star 3

    Jan 15, 2002
    How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb?

  21. Jedi_Knight150

    Jedi_Knight150 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jul 26, 2002
    I believe


    would fit better. 8-}
  22. DarthLucanas

    DarthLucanas Jedi Padawan star 4

    Mar 22, 2003
    You guys are so cruel. :eek:

    Here's one:

    How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?

    They put her in a round room an told her to sit in a corner.

    Now I feel bad!!! I am no better!!! :_|
  23. Sebulba2179

    Sebulba2179 Jedi Master star 4

    Feb 5, 2002
    What has a hundred feet and six teeth?


    The front row at a Willie Nelson concert. :p
  24. TK7771

    TK7771 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jul 22, 2001
    An American tourist in London found himself needing to relieve his
    bladder very urgently. After a long search, he just couldn't find any public
    bathroom to relieve himself.

    He decided to head down one of the side streets to take care of
    business. Just as he was unzipping, a police constable showed up.

    "Just what do you think you are doing?" the officer asked.

    "I'm sorry," the American replied, but I really have to urinate."

    "Well, you can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."

    The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass,
    pretty flowers, and manicured hedges.

    "You can do your business here," said the policeman, "."

    The American tourist shrugged, turned, and relieved himself on the flowers.

    Turning toward the officer, he said, "That was very kind of you.
    Is this the famous British courtesy I have heard so much about?"

    "No," retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."
  25. PadmeLeiaJaina

    PadmeLeiaJaina Jedi Grand Master star 6

    May 23, 2002
    Sebby - LOL! [face_laugh] [face_laugh]
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