Jokes

So If you chinese eat McDonalds in China is it Chinese food?

 

Are You Chinese Yourself?

 

I am a Chinese, we don't really like to eat greasy foods.

 

Hey, these aen't jokes.
Here I'll start things off...


A friend sent this to me recently and I thought it was absolutely hilarious.

It's titled: 50 ways to know you are Asian.
I found it especially funny because I am chinese and I could relate to all fifvety points.

See what you think...

1. You were/are a good student with very high GPAs.
>>2. You majored in something practical like engineering, medicine or
>>finance.
>>3. You have more than one-college degree, especially more than one
>>Master's.
>>4. If you play a musical instrument, it must be piano.
>>5. You have a vinyl table cloth on your kitchen table.
>>6. Your stove is covered with aluminum foil.
>>7. Your kitchen has a sticky film of grease over it.
>>8. You beat eggs with chopsticks.
>>9. You always leave outdoor shoes at the door.
>>10. You use the dishwasher as a dish rack.
>>11. You keep a Thermos of hot water available at all times.
>>12. You boil water before drinking.
>>
>>
>>13. You eat all meals in the kitchen to keep your dining room
>>clean.
>>
>>14. You don't use measuring cups when preparing foods.
>>15. You save grocery bags and use them to hold garbage.
>>16. You have a rice cooker.
>>17. You're a wok user.
>>18. You fight over who pays the dinner bill.
>>19. You wash rice 2-3 times before cooking it.
>>20. You make sounds when you have a bowl of soup.
>>21. You don't dry-clean clothes, even if they need to be
>>dry-cleaned.
>>22. You iron your own shirts.
>>23. You like congee with thousand year old eggs.
>>24. You always cook yourself, even if you hate it.
>>25. You use credit cards, and pay monthly bills in full.
>>26. You do either soccer, swimming, badminton, volleyball,
>>basketball, or ping pong, and have an obsession with making the
>>Beijing Olympics. 27. You buy Christmas cards after Christmas, when
>>they are 50% off. 28. When you hand wash dishes, you only use cold
>>water.
>>29. You hate to waste food:
>>a) Even if you're totally full, if someone says they're going to
>>throw away the leftovers on the table, you'll finish them.
>>b) You have Tupperware in your fridge with three bites of rice or
>>one leftover chicken wing.
>>30. You don't own any real Tupperware-only a cupboard full of used
>>but carefully rinsed margarine tubs, takeout containers, and jam
>>jars.
>>32. When toilet paper is on sale, you buy 100 rolls and store them.
>>
>>33. You have a collection of miniature shampoo/conditioner bottles
>>and little soap bars that you take every time you stay in a hotel.
>>34. The condiments in your fridge are either Price Club sized or
>>come in plastic packets, which you save every time you get take out
>>or go to McDonald's.
>>35. You carry a stash of your own food whenever you travel (and
>>travel means any car ride longer than 15 minutes).
>>36. You spit bones and other food scraps on the table.
>>37. Your dad thinks he can fix everything himself.
>>38. When you go to a dance party, there is always a group of guys
>>surrounding the dance floor trying to look cool.
>>39. Your house/aparment is always cold in winter, and hot in
>>summer. 40. Your Mom
>>drives her Mercedes to Foodtown, or Shoppers Food Warehouse
>>regardless how far it is, even if the dairy is next door.
>>41. You always look phone numbers up in the phone book, since
>>calling Directory Assistance costs 50 cents.
>>
>>
>>42. You only make long distance calls after 11pm or during
>>weekends.
>>
>>43. You prefer your shrimp with the heads and legs still attached.
>>44. You never call your parents just to say hi.
>>45. You think ONLY Japanese can make good CARS!
>>46. You use a colored face cloth every morning.
>>47. You starve yourself before going to all-you-can-eat places.
>>48. Almost all your money is in a savings account
>>49. You never discuss your love life with your parents.
>>AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST:
>>50. You take this message and forward it to all your Asian friends
>>
>>YOU KNOW YOU ARE JAPANESE IF...
>>1. You're obsessed with you hair, your car, and your clothes

 

SIPPING VODKA:


A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.



After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.



The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about
getting nervous On the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water
glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."



So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.



He proceeded to talk up a storm.



Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
>
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
>
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred
to as Daddy, Junior
and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off
his donkey, don't
say he was stoned off his ass.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the "BigT."

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he
said, "take this and
eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me".

12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the
Cherry,.

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not:
Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for
the grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest
at ST.Peter's not a
peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

 

Got this one in an email from a friend a few weeks back....

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at
work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and
hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes
home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little
boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy -"I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man -"OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are
in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's
go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take
you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that **** again...."

MAGAX_DESTROYER