Niagara, ON Jokes

You Know You're Having a Bad Day When...

1. Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists.

2. You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.

3. Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

4. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

5. You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold.

6. You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.

7. Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.

8. Your income tax refund check bounces.

9. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

10. You wake up and your braces are stuck together.

11. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.

12. You put both contacts into the same eye.

13. Your mother approves of the person you're dating.

14. Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.

15. You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your Mastercard.

16. Nothing you own is actually paid for.

17. Everyone loves your driver's licence picture, but you think it looks awful.

18. The health inspector condems your office coffee maker.

19. You invite the peeping Tom in... and he says no.

20. The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.

21. People think that you're 40 and you're only 25.

22. When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age.

23. You call your spouse and tell them that you'd like to eat out tonight and when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch.

24. You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night...... and there aren't any.

25. It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.

 

I'm glad I have some place to share these!!!


Life's Important Rules

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've
never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is
serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government
program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the
trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so
good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three
weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the
real world.

25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall
never cease to be amused.




Top 10 Reasons Trick-or-Treating is better than Sex

10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. Once you've done it, you don't have to wait an hour to do it again.

8. The uglier you look, the more likely you'll get some.

7. You don't have to make small talk with the person who gave you the candy.

6. The person giving it to you isn't fantasizing you're someone else.

5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.

4. If you wear a mask, no one thinks you're kinky.

3. Doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. You don't have to call the person that gave it to you next week.

And the #1 reason trick-or-treating is better than having sex...

1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR!!!


Shaden

 

Here's one that always makes me laugh when Chris starts to tell it...

A bear and a rabbit are taking a s@#$ in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Do you have problem with s@#$ sticking to your fur?" and the rabbit says "No", so the bear wipes his a$$ on the rabbit.

Stupid, I know, but hey, it probably got a smile out of you didn't it?

 

That was a little harsh...next.

Top Nine Bumper stickers

1. I love animals, they taste great.

2. EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.

3. "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

4. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

5. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

6. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

7. He who laughs last thinks slowest!

8. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

8. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

9. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

 

Missed my fave...

DWN WTH VWLS!

 

So a Rodian walks into a bar...

... everybody leaves
...
...
Y'know? The Rodians-they stink..so you see.... ZOOM! That went right over your heads.

 

Nothing like starting my day off with some darn fine humor. If i had something funny to contribute i would hmmmmm if I can up with something to top that Rodian joke Ill get back to ya

 

Nick, that joke was funny... just comming from you... its just funny,


Shaden

 

Here's a little something I found:

Keep in mind I didn't WRITE this......

10 Laws For Women To Live By

1.Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2.If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.

3.Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

4.Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

5.Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

6.Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

7.Women do not make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

8.Best way to get a man to do something - suggest they are too old for it.

9.Love is blind - but marriage is a real eye-opener.

10.If you want a commited man - look in a mental hospital.


Now, don't get me wrong.......I REALLY like men!!!! heh heh heh

Someone better find something about women now to even it up!

 

Hehehehe, Laurie! That was funny!! I like guys too... but that is just too good...


Shaden

 

There's a Duck and a Rabitt sitting in a bathtub. The Rabitt says to the Duck "Pass the soap", and the Duck says "What the hell do you think I am, a radio?!?"

That one gets me every time.

Oh and we laughed...!

 

Ok Hittman...

I don't get it...

Explain please...

 

I just want to know how Hitmann got a rabbit and a duck in a bathtub!

 

Don't feel bad Deb, I didn't get it either...but then, I'm a shower person myself.....

Well, with "Episode II - Attack Of The Clones" on everyone's minds, and with the mapping of the Human Genome bringing cloning one step closer......

DON'T BE CAUGHT OWNING A CLONE AND NOT KNOW HOW TO USE IT!

1.Inherit lots of money by making your clone visit your Granny every day.

2.Whenever your Mum's cooked Brussels sprouts, send your clone down for dinner.

3.Confuse your clone by mimicing it'e exact movements on the other side of a window.

4.Tell your clone he/she was adopted, and find out how stupid you really are.

5.When you feel ill, send your clone to work, and save your sickies for a sunny day.

6.Go out late, and send your clone home early, your Mum will never know.

7.Force your clone to do your tax returns while you go out to a YJN event.

8.Experiment with haircuts, colouring, tatoos and piercings on your clone. Then confuse everyone and make them ask, "Didn't you shave your head yesterday?"

9.Grab your significant other and finally fulfill the fantasy of a threesome. This way you can't be jealous of the other person being better, or cuter than you.

10. Outlive your clone. Be seated at your own funeral.


Hey this is dreamweaver here!!! I didn't write this....my clone did!!!

dreamweaver dreamweaver-cc
Two of me....now THERE'S a scary thought!

 

No, more jokes?

^_^;


Shaden

 

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"

3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking. " Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

6. Bring cheerleaders.

7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?"

8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc. . . ). Play with the volume at max level.

9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

10. Bring pets.

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas. "If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc. . ).

23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Forget this!" and walk out triumphantly.

25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)

26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag

 

These were found on Ladies' Bumper Stickers:

1. So many men, so few who can afford me.

2. God made us sisters, PROZAC made us friends.

3. Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.

4. Coffee, chocolate, men ... somethings are just better rich.

5. Don't treat me any differently then you would the queen.

6. I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun.

7. WARNING: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

8. Do not start with me. You will not win.

9. All stressed out and no one to choke.

10. I be one of those bad things that happens to bad people.

11. How can I miss you if you won't go away?

Hehehe, I thought these were cute!! I need to get some of them. My faves are 3, 5, 7, and most of all 8.

Shaden

 

I've heard all those before...

oh yeah...

from former girlfriends!

Its a conspiracy I tell you!!

 

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to teflon, how do they make teflon stick to the pan?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

 

News Headlings Gone Bad


Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Eye Drops off Shelf

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Air Head Fired

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

Deer Kill 17,000

Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

War Dims Hope for Peace

Steals Clock, Faces Time

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Include your Children when Baking Cookies

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

 

LMAO, i hope those weren`t real

 

Oh my god!!!!
I almost fell off my chair!!! Chris you have to find more!!


Shaden

 

More...Why ask why?


Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

How did a fool and his money get together?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

What do they use to ship styrofoam?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

 

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?