Niagara, ON Jokes

Oi, My cousin had a list like that.... It was really funny cause he drew each question, and pretended to think about it for a minute till "Smoke" started comming out his ears!!

Shaden

 

Ok ok, I made my own list. It's short, not funny, but hey, what can you do?

Why do Catholic Priests prefer alter boys and not alter GIRLS?

Why do the majority of men today prefer using the 3 1/2" floppy compared to the manly 5 1/2" one? (Think about that for a second, it'll come to you)

Why does Graeme want a clone when he already has a defected one? (by defected I mean the clone is different from Graeme)

Why is Bill Gates the world's richest man, but has the world's cheapest hair cut?

Why do Zebras have black and white stripes for camoflauge, if they live in green and brown areas?

Why does Micheal Jackson have kids?

 

Nice list smitch.... Heres a list I came across one day... Thought you "House cleaning people" could enjoy it!

TEN RULES OF HOUSEKEEPING

1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.

2. Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.

3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.

4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from
the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"

5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.

6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing handsewn play animals for underprivileged children.

7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."

9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, " Johnny did this when he was two ~ I haven't had the heart to clean it..."

10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented
household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave
dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..."

Shaden

 

Star Wars Sequel Titles

Star Wars: Episode II - Massa Luke: Jar Jar's Revenge
Star Wars: Episode II - I Was a Teenaged Jawa Groupie
Star Wars: Episode II - The Adventures of Lando in Malt Liquor City
Star Wars: Episode II - Chewbacca to the Future
Star Wars: Episode II - It Could Be Home Movies of George Lucas Cutting His Nails And You'd Still Shell Out $10
Star Wars: Episode II - The Clone Ranger
Star Wars: Episode II - AGAIN with the Force...
Star Wars: Episode II - Emperor Palpatine's Mandolin
Star Wars: Episode II - Gleaming Laser Phalluses of Pent-up Male Rage!
Star Wars: Episode II - Cuz Star Trek Blowz!
Star Wars: Episode II - The Perfect Stormtrooper
Star Wars: Episode II - Crouching Android, Hidden Wookie
Star Wars: Episode II - Jedi Clampett: The Empire Strikes Oil
Star Wars: Episode II - Ewok and Roll
Star Wars: Episode II - A Franchise Gasps
Star Wars: Episode II - Kablooie! Zap! Boom, boom! YAY!
Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Focus Groups
Star Wars: Episode II - Brought to You by the Delicious Taste of SpriteTM
Star Wars: Episode II - The Rape Of My Childhood
Star Wars: Episode II - Deep Inside Queen Amidala Mind
Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Chunky, Drooling Fanboys
Star Wars: Episode II - Joseph Campbell Turns in His Grave
Star Wars: Episode II - The Unbearable Lightsaber of Being
Star Wars: Episode II - Just Go Watch Tron Stoned Instead
Star Wars: Episode II - The Tears of A Clone
Star Wars: Episode II - Indiana Solo and the Temple of Cutesy Muppets
Star Wars: Episode II - Electric Boogaloo
Star Wars: Episode II - Two Before the Good One
Star Wars: Episode II - Vehicle for the Introduction of 1,376 New Toys
Star Wars: Episode II - Harry Knowles' Fatal Coronary
Star Wars: Episode II - Fanboy Spankfest
Star Wars: Episode II - Darth of a Salesman
Star Wars: Episode II - Initial Arrival of the Jedi
Star Wars: Episode II - Yoda Don't Take No Crap From Nobody!
Star Wars: Episode II - Best When Viewed Over 100 Times for Full Price
Star Wars: Episode II - Introducing... Infinitely Merchandisable Alien Sidekick!
Star Wars: Episode II - If We Don't Settle on a Title Soon, Increasingly Senile George Lucas Will Autocratically Impose a Dumb One
Star Wars: Episode II - At Least In The Seventies Everyone Was Good & Coked-Up
Star Wars: Episode II - Basically More of the Same, Albeit Somewhat Different
Star Wars: Episode II - Plan 9 from a Galaxy Far, Far Away
Star Wars: Episode II - Destined to be Endlessly Dissected by Nerds & Critics
Star Wars: Episode II - The Rise of Darth Crouton
Star Wars: Episode II - Harrison Ford Isn't in This Movie
Star Wars: Episode II - Generation X Gets Nostalgic Again
Star Wars: Episode II - Send in the Clones
Star Wars: Episode II - The Soon-To-Be Collector's Edition DVD
Star Wars: Episode II - Further Adventures in BS Allegorical Zoroastrianism

 

from the mind of George Carlin...

1. If you take an oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in --- what happens to the other penny?

8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

15. "I am" is the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me...They're cramming for their final exam.

21. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailpersons can look for them while they deliver the mail?

22. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

23. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

24. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

25. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

26. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

27. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

28. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

 

LOL

 

The Top 10 Signs You're Sick of the Holidays:

10. You've got red and green bags under your eyes
9. You're serving reindeer pot pie
8. When you hear, "Sleigh bells ring, are you listenin'?," you scream, "No! I'm not listening!"
7. You climb on your roof and start shooting carolers in the butt with your BB gun
6. You think you hear your Christmas tree taunting you
5. Instead of spending time with family, you're watching some guy make photo copies
4. You're busted for running through town wearing nothing but mistletoe.
3. You've got eggnog coming out of your ears
2. Your standard response, "And happy holidays to you too, you bastard"
1. Two words: tinsel rash

 

BINLADIN FOUND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The UN sprayed Viagara over Afganistan and the "little" prick stood up!

 

Awful....just plain awful.

 

Those were all funny. (I've heard most of them). I actually heard the Bin Laden one on boxing day from my aunt. I thought it was funny, but it shouldn't be. I don't think any of these Bin Laden jokes or poems or songs are funny. They're just stupid people being ignorant. BUT, this is supposed to be a joke board so I'm just not gonna bring people down!!!
Well, I don't really have a joke, but hehe these are funny!

 

Ok, I know this is long, but all you cat lovers here might like it!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cat's New Year's Resolutions

My human will never let me eat her pet hamster,
and I am at peace with that.

I will not puff my entire body to twice its size
for no reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie.

I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.

I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to stuff
them down the sink's drain.

I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them
up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.

I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt
right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff
out of my fur.)

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at
NOTHING after my human has finished watching The X-Files.

I will not fish out my human's partial plate from the glass so that the dog
can "wear" it and pretend to be my human. (It is somewhat unnerving to wake
up, roll over in bed, and see the dog grinning at you with your own teeth.)

I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the middle of the night,
deposit them on the bed and yell at the top of my lungs (Burmese LOUD
yowling) so that my human can admire my "kill."

I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare
into her eyes until she wakes up.

We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains
of the Serengeti over any humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.

Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget
this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt,
I will not get up and do the same thing again.

I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase
leaves.

I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes just as my
human is explaining to his girlfriend how graceful I am.

I will not complain that my bottom is wet and that I am thirsty after
sitting in my water bowl.

I will not intrude on my human's candle-lit bubble bath and singe my bottom.

I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in
it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to
get the rubber cement out of my fur.

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it
dissolves in boiling coffee.

When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg instead, I will not bite
down on my foot. This hurts, and my scream scares my human.

When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not
necessary to check every door.

Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down and try to
open it up to get the birds out.

I will not stuff my rather large self into the rather small bird feeder
(with my tail hanging out one side) and expect the birds to just fly in.

I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.

The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and will move out
of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and walls. That does
not mean I should take it as a personal insult when my humans sit there and
laugh.

Yes, there are still two very large dogs in the backyard. There have been
for several years. I don't have to act as if I've just discovered the Demon
Horror of the Universe each
time one of them appears in my window.

I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in
groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.

When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to
catch them.

I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the family room
floor trying t

 

Mr.T vs. Darth Maul

yep...I could hardly believe it myself.

 

Dat sho was a helluva page sucka!!!!!!

Now,
drink yo milk, eat dose greens, don't mess wi drugs, an stay in schoo, foo!!!!!

 

Things to do at Wal-Mart while you wait for your family to shop.


1. Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples' carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "I think we have a code 3 in house wares," and see what happens.

5. Put some M&M's on lay away.

6. Move CAUTION WET FLOOR signs to carpet areas.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department, tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people leave me alone."

9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

10. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible.'

11. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

12. In the auto department practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through whisper "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

15. Go to the fitting room and yell real loud..."Hey we're out of toilet paper in here!"

 

To see where your mind is!!

My First Time
The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone
Just her and I
Her hair so soft
Her eyes so blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
To place my hand
On her breasts
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when she did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time
TO MILK A COW