jokes

Discussion in 'Salt Lake City, UT' started by frio_carr, Nov 10, 2002.

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  1. frio_carr Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 25, 2002
    star 3
    Ok I have been browsing this fortune cookie site for about 3 hours now and thought it would be cool to have a thread of our own.

    go ahead and post jokes, deepthoughts, oxymorons, stupid stories and the like
  2. frio_carr Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 25, 2002
    star 3
    a skeleton walks into a bar and says,

    "bartender, I'll take a beer and a mop."
  3. Marold Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 17, 2001
    star 6
    I find the laffy taffy jokes funny, course that's after eating like 10 in a row.
  4. frio_carr Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 25, 2002
    star 3
    here's another:

    A man goes to the Doctor with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ear.
    "That looks nasty," says the doctor.
    "Nasty?!?" replies the man, "this is just the tip of the iceberg."
  5. frio_carr Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 25, 2002
    star 3
    laffy taffy are seriously a drug.

    as are pixie stixs
    ( I once had 47 pixi stix in my mouth at once. )

    no joke.

  6. frio_carr Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 25, 2002
    star 3
    [tv announcer voice]
    "We've secretly switched the dilithium crystals in the Enterprise warp core with new Folger's Crystals... let's watch what happens."
    [/tv announcer voice]
  7. frio_carr Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 25, 2002
    star 3
    no offence intended by the following joke:



    A blonde suspects that her husband is cheating on her so blinded by rage on the way home from work she purchases a gun and some ammo. When she opens the door to her apartment, sure enough, she sees her husband in bed with a redhead. The blonde screams in anger, takes the loaded gun out of her purse, aims it at her husband menacingly, but then pauses. Overcome with sudden grief, she points the gun at her own head and starts to cry.

    The husband shakes his head and stares at his wife in disbelief. "No, sweetie, don't do it..."

    The blonde chokes, "SHUT UP, YOU'RE NEXT."
  8. ImDaBudge Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 2, 2002
    star 3
    Why did the first elephant fall out of the tree?
















    It was Dead!

















    Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?















    Because it thought it was a game.
  9. Pounce Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Sep 24, 2002
    star 2
    What did the proctologist say when he tried to write a check with a rectal thermometer?












    'Some bum's got my pen!'


    Heeheehee...I like that one.
  10. ImDaBudge Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 2, 2002
    star 3
    I've got good one. Tell me if you've heard this one.


    What did the proctologist say when he tried to write a check with a rectal thermometer?












    'Some bum's got my pen!'



    Hahahahaha Waht a joke.
  11. mini_pounce Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Oct 19, 2002
    star 1
    my dad got this as a fortune cookie once:

    "if the shoe fits, it's probably your size..."
  12. merlin Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    May 29, 1999
    star 4
    [color=663300] :p I've got one...

    Why are New Yorkers so depressed???


























    give up??

























    cuz the light at the end of their tunnel is New Jersey. ;)
    [/color]
  13. mini_pounce Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Oct 19, 2002
    star 1
    wanna here my really long golf joke? NO?!! OK!

    ok, so there are these three guys who all die at the exact same time. They all go to heaven and lo and behold... Heaven is a golf course.

    just then an angel comes down and says "WELCOME boys! here it is... HEAVEN! that thing you've been waiting for your entire life! wOOT! it's perfect here! the sun's always shining, the grass is cut to a tee, and your balls never get lost. Now before you go putting away i have to tell you, there is only one rule. DON'T step on a duck." (ducks all around em)

    "Because if you step on one duck, then that duck starts quack'n and the others start quack'n... and it's just a big headache. so don't do it."

    So the guys all start golf'n, they're hav'n a good ol' time... a few days go by and of course, the first guy steps on a duck. Just then a bolt of lightening flashes across the sky and down comes the angel with the UGLIEST girl any of them have ever seen! I mean this chic is repulsive beyond comprehension!!! THe angle takes the duck-stepp'n first guy and chains him to the girl and sends em off into eternity together.

    By now the other two guys are DETERMINED not to step on any ducks. so they start golf'n, hav'n a good ol' time... a few months go by, and yet again, the second guy steps on a duck. A bolt of lightening flashes acrossed teh sky and down comes the angel with an even UGLIER girl than before, the third guy watches in horror as the second is chained and sent off into eternity.

    BY now the third guy is without a doubt, NEVER going to step on any ducks. so time goes by, a few years, he does his thing, he lets the ducks do their thing... EVERYBODY'S HAPPY!

    One day the angel descends from the sky bringing the most BEAUTIFUL girl he's ever seen wiht him! SHe's uncomprehnsibly gorgeous! the angel chains her to the third guy and sends em off into eternity together.

    well as you can guess the guy by now the third guy is feel'n PreTTy lucky, and he's postive he's being rewarded for his non-duck-stepp'n behavior. Just then the girl turns to him and says,

    "I don't know what YOU just did, but I just stepped on a duck.... "

    HAha! I love that joke...

    ME!
  14. Darth_Doug Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Aug 20, 2002
    star 1
    Pbbbtttt! I just sprayed my monitor!

    :D
  15. frio_carr Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 25, 2002
    star 3
    here, use my rag I did it too.

    *hands darth_doug a saliva filled rag*
  16. frio_carr Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 25, 2002
    star 3
    In a foreign country a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are all about to be guillotined. The priest puts his head on the block. They pull the rope and nothing happens -- he declares that he's been saved by divine intervention -- so he's let go. The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the blade. She claims she can't be executed twice for the same crime and is set free too.

    They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine. He looks up at the release mechanism and says, "Oh, wait a minute, I see your problem..."
  17. merlin Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    May 29, 1999
    star 4
    [color=663300]w00t! :)[/color]
  18. ImDaBudge Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 2, 2002
    star 3
  19. mini_pounce Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Oct 19, 2002
    star 1
    Got these from a joke site... *giggles*

    Warning: some of these are pREtty bad...

    Rejected Children's Book Titles-

    1. You Are Different and That's Bad
    2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables

    3. Dad's New Wife Robert

    4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share

    5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book

    MORE Rejected Children's Book Titles

    1. Some Kittens Can Fly

    2. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption

    3. Grandpa Gets a Casket

    4. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator

    5. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia

    MORE Rejected Children's Book Titles

    1. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy

    2. Strangers Have the Best Candy

    3. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way

    4. You Were an Accident

    5. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will

    6. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School

    7. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things

    8. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
  20. frio_carr Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 25, 2002
    star 3
    nice m_p nice

    I have some more I will post them when I get home.
  21. ImDaBudge Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 2, 2002
    star 3
    Who's played for every team in the NHL?





























    The organist at Madinson Square Garden.






    Mr. Brown says to his friend Mr. Grey "I can tell you the name of your future wife."

    Mr. Grey says "Really, what is it?"

    Mr. Brown responds "Her name will be Mrs. Grey."
  22. frio_carr Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 25, 2002
    star 3
    fish 1: "hey fish2, do you think we'll ever get out of this bowl?"
    fish 2: "oh my god! a talking fish!"
  23. Review05 Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Nov 12, 2002
    A man won a ticket to the Super Bowl, but when he got there, he was very disappointed. He was on the far left, at the back. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than he was to the field.
    But halfway through the first quarter, he spotted an empty 50-yard-line seat that had to be the best seat in the house. He went down to the empty seat and said to the guy sitting beside it, "Is anyone sitting here?"
    "Nope" the guy replied.
    So the man sat down, and about 30 minute later, he couldn't resist saying, "Man! This is an awesome seat! Whoever gave it up must be CRAZY!"
    The guy sitting next to him replied, "Well, actually, that was supposed to be my wife's seat, but she died."
    The man, feeling like a total jerk said, "Oh, that's awful, but couldn't you have asked a relative to come with you?"
    "No", said the guy. "They're all at the funeral."
  24. ImDaBudge Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 2, 2002
    star 3
    I guess I get to be the first one to welcome Review to the boards. We look forward to seeing you around more. If you have any questions please feel free to ask.
  25. frio_carr Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 25, 2002
    star 3
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