jokes

Discussion in 'Salt Lake City, UT' started by frio_carr, Nov 10, 2002.

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  1. Review05 Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Nov 12, 2002
    There were these two guys, walking their dog's, one was a Doberman and one was a Chihuahua. As they were walking, they passed a bar and wanted to get in. But there was a sign in the window that said: NO PETS ALLOWED! So the guy with the Doberman said, "Let's go in as blind men with seeing-eye dog's!" They agreed that the guy with the Doberman would go in first.
    The first guy told the guard that the Doberman was his seeing-eye dog, so he got in. When the second guy tried to get in, the guard said "Exuse me sir but, Chihuahuas aren't seeing-eye dogs!"
    The guy say's "THEY GAVE ME A CHIHUAHUA?!!"

    --------------------------------------------

    Nope. Hate to break it to ya budge or whatever your name is, but some Dude named harold or Marol or something like that welcomed me through offlines first!

    But I suppose I'll take your greeting as that of a legitimate and sincere comment. Thank You. You people scare me. I think I will fit in nicely here.

    -PURPLE!
  2. ImDaBudge Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 2, 2002
    star 3
    Call me Rob. "Harold" is actually Marold... also known as Mary, our chapter rep. What should we call you?
  3. Review05 Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Nov 12, 2002
  4. ImDaBudge Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 2, 2002
    star 3
    So not Cody? or 05? or Rev? or view? or re? or that kid that just showed up a few days ago?
  5. VoidDancer Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Feb 13, 2002
    star 5
    They're fond of names other than what you have posted here Review :)

    I'm Void the new RSA (Regional Support Admin) for the southwest. If there is anything I can do for you also, please let me know. Welcome to a good group of people.
  6. frio_carr Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 25, 2002
    star 3
    Butterflies taste with their feet.
    A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
    In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.
    On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.
    On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
    Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived
    immigrants.
    Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are
    already married.
    Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
    Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
    It's possible to lead a cow upstairs ... but not downstairs.
    Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
    It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.
    The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year
    because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the
    weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
    A snail can sleep for three years.
    No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."
    Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
    Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears
    never stop growing. SCARY!!!
    The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
    All polar bears are left handed.
    In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies,
    including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
    An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
    TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters
    only on one row of the keyboard.
    "Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
    If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She
    would stand seven feet, two inches tall.
    A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
    The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
    Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
    Almost everyone who reads this will try to lick their elbow.
    You tried to lick your elbow, didn't you?!!!!
  7. mini_pounce Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Oct 19, 2002
    star 1
    *stares at her feet* Yes.....
  8. mini_pounce Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Oct 19, 2002
    star 1
    on average about 13 people are killed each year by vending machines falling on them.

    Coconuts are more deadly than sharks. Approximately 150 people each year are killed by coconuts falling on them.

    they should make a movie called... "Harry" the killer coconut...

    much more effective killer than any 'jaws' ever was....

    :p

    ~ME~
  9. Pounce Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Sep 24, 2002
    star 2
    Polar Bears have hands? *boggles
  10. frio_carr Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 25, 2002
    star 3
  11. greenmayo Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 1, 2002
    star 2
    Ahhh! ATTACK OF THE KILLER COCONUTS! I can personally testify that those things are missils of death.
  12. mini_pounce Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Oct 19, 2002
    star 1
    could I what? Lick my elbow? of course I can lick my elbow!!! Can't everyone?

    *sniggers and walks off stage before slipping on a cheeto and sailing over the audience of twizzler people and smacking into the panja... ow...*
  13. frio_carr Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 25, 2002
    star 3
    Why Engineers Don't Write Recipe Books:

    Chocolate Chip Cookies:

    Ingredients:

    532.35 cm3 gluten
    4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
    4.9 cm3 refined halite
    236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
    177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
    177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
    4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
    Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
    473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
    236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

    To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

    Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

  14. Pounce Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Sep 24, 2002
    star 2
    Top ten sexually tilted SW lines (could be offensive to some, so don't say I didn't warn ya!)

    1.'She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts,kid.'

    2.'Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!'

    3.'Look at the size of that thing!'

    4.'Sorry about the mess...'

    5.'You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought.'

    6.'Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?'

    7.'You've got something jammed in here real good.'

    8.'Put that thing away before you get us all killed!'

    9.'Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?'

    10.'Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care WHAT you smell!'"

  15. ImDaBudge Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 2, 2002
    star 3
    Mucho funny, Amy!

    that is for the neostjh sadfhmss fje rss

    the chanel two news anchor is wearing a pentagram necklace.
  16. mini_pounce Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Oct 19, 2002
    star 1
    0.3% of all road accidents in Canada involve a Moose.
    1,314 phone calls will be misplaced by telecom services every minute.
    111,111,111 multiplied by 111,111,111 equals 12,345,678,987,654,321
    2 and 5 are the only primes that end in 2 or 5.
    2,500 newborn babies will be dropped in the next month.
    22,000 checks will be deducted from the wrong bank accounts in the next hour.
    27% of Americans think billboards are beautiful.
    27% of U.S. male college students believe life is a meaningless existential hell.
    4% of the U.S population are vegetarians.
    40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
    50% of bank robberies take place on Fridays.
    50% of teenage boys say that they would rather be rich than smart.
    51% of turns are right turns.
    55% of motorbike accidents happen on the weekend.
    56% of the video game market is adults.
    57% of British school kids think Germany is the most boring country in Europe.
    60% of electrocutions occur while talking on the phone during a thunderstorm.
    68% of Americans who view computer commercials on TV that advertise a processor, such as the Pentium III, believe it speeds up your internet connections. However, a modem does that.
    69% of men say that they would rather break up with a girl in private rather than in public.
    7% of Americans think Elvis is alive.
    811,000 faulty rolls of 35 mm film will be purchased this year.
    82% believe in an after life.
    880,000 credit cards in circulation will turn out to have incorrect cardholder information on their magnetic strips.
    9% of Americans reported having been in the presence of a ghost.
    90 percent of women who walk into a department store immediately turn to the right.
    95% of food poisoning cases are never reported.
    97% of Canadians say they would not borrow a toothbrush if they forgot to pack their own.
    About 1 out of every 70 people who pick their nose actually eat their boogers.
    About 43% of convicted criminals in the U.S. are rearrested within a year of being released from prison.
    About 5% of Americans claim to have talked to the devil personally.
    About 6% of murdered American men are killed by either their wife or girlfriend... or wife who caught them with their girlfriend.
    About 70% of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money.
    About two hundred babies are born worldwide every minute.
    Americans spend more time at shopping malls than anywhere else outside their homes and jobs.
    Annual growth of WWW traffic is 314,000%.
    Approximately 97.35618329% of all statistics are made up.
    Assuming Rudolph was in front, there are 40320 ways to rearrange the other eight reindeer.
    August is the month when most baby's are born.
    Australian Graham Barker extracted his own belly button fluff every day for 18 years acquiring a record-breaking amount of fluff. He hopes to accumulate enough fluff to stuff a pillow.
    Average age of top GM executives in 1994: 49.8 years. Average age of the Rolling Stones: 50.6.
    By 65 years old, Americans have watched more than nine years of television.
    Chances of a white Christmas in New York: 1 in 4
    Chances that a burglary in the U.S. will be solved: 1 in 7.
    Did you know that you're more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than a poisonous spider?
    Dustin Phillips of the U.S. has the record for ketchup drinking. He drank a 14-ounce bottle of tomato ketchup through a ¼- inch straw in 33 seconds on September 23, 1999.

    Experienced waitress say that married men tip better than unmarried men.
    Fifty percent of all marsh mellows consumed in the U.S. have been toasted.
    Forty percent of American adults cannot fill out a bank deposit slip correctly.
    In the next seven days, 800 Americans will be injured by their jewelery.
    (Source: N/A)
    (Added: Mon Dec 31 2001) Comment on this fact!
    It is estimated that at any one time, 0.7% of the world's population is drunk.
    It would take more than 150 years to drive a car to the sun.
    More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.
    More than 10 percent of all the salt prod
  17. merlin Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    May 29, 1999
    star 4
    [image=http://store1.yimg.com/I/fridgedoor_1715_40273587]
  18. mini_pounce Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Oct 19, 2002
    star 1
    WARNING: some of these are extremely stupid.

    Q: Where does Princess Leia go shopping?

    A: At the Darth Maul



    Q: How can you tell if you've found a crazy Star Wars fan?

    A: When they're singing the words to an Ewok song!



    Q: Why isn't yoda ever in a lightsaber battle?

    A: Because his lightsaber is bigger than he is.



    Q: What do you call 5 siths pilled on top of a lightsaber?

    A sith-kabob!



    Q. Which Star Wars character uses lunch meat for a weapon instead of a saber?

    Obi Wan Baloney



    Leia: Knock, knock.

    Xixor: Who's there?

    Leia: Leia.

    Xixor: Leia who?

    Leia: Lei-a hand on me and you're toast!



    Yoda: Knock, knock.

    Luke: Who's there?

    Yoda: Yoda.

    Luke: Yoda who?

    Yoda: Yo-da man!



    Q. Which movie features Harrison Ford as a guy who stays up all night watching T.V.?

    Return of the Red Eye



    Knock Knock Joke:

    "Knock, knock"

    "Who's there"

    "Ewok"

    "Ewok who?"

    "Ewoked the door, wet me in!



    Q. Which Star Wars character lives in a pound?

    Jabba The Mutt.



    Q. Which Star Wars character likes to chew gum?

    Chewie



    One great way to spend your birthday Chewbacca style: Ditch shaving and roar when you don't get your way



    Q. How many storm troopers does it take to install a glo panel?

    2= one to install it, 1 to kill the first one and take the credit



    Q. Which droid itches the most?

    Fleabo



    Q.Which Grandma is a high rank in the empire?

    GrandmAff Tarkin



    Q: How long does Luke Skywalker have to sleep?

    A: One Jedi Knight



    Q: What did Yoda name his son?

    Soda



    A ham sandwich walks into The Mos Eisley cantina and the cantina-bartender says, "Get out, we don't serve food here!"



    >Q. What do you call Darth's will after someone disobeys him?

    A. slim whim.



    Q. What SW character likes Italian Food?

    Pizza The Hutt



    Q. What SW charater likes coffee?

    A. Java the Hutt



    Q.What ship doesn't have wings anymore?

    Ex-Wing



    Q. What kind of car does Luke Skywalker drive?

    A toy Yoda (toyada!)



    Q: Why did Luke get a ticket?

    He was caught Skywalking



    Q. What is a bull's favorite movie?

    steer-wars



    Q. What is the name of humphrey bogart's ship?

    The maltese falcon


  19. Marold Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 17, 2001
    star 6
    Subject: a bear...

    >I thought that I wanted to come back as a cat or a
    >>dog, but I could get into being a bear.
    >If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do
    >>nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.
    >>Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat
    >>yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

    >>If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the
    size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to
    >>partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely
    >>deal with that.

    >If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean
    >>business. You swat anyone who bothers
    >>your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them, too.
    I could deal with that.

    >If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up
    >>growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs
    >>and excess body fat.

    >>Yup..... I wanna be a bear
  20. mini_pounce Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Oct 19, 2002
    star 1
    The Top 10 Geek T-Shirt Slogans
    1. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key

    2. <-------- The information went data way

    3. The name is Baud......, James Baud.

    4. Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!

    5. Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"

    6. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny

    7. Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...

    8. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

    9. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...

    10. Go ahead, make my data!

  21. Pounce Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Sep 24, 2002
    star 2
    Uh....I don't get it....
  22. mini_pounce Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Oct 19, 2002
    star 1
  23. ImDaBudge Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 2, 2002
    star 3
    happy thanksgiving everyone.

    i hope everyone has something to be grateful for.
  24. ondiv Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 18, 2002
    star 4
    *WARNING...SOME MAY BE OFFENDED BY THIS FEMALE TOPIC JOKE*

    *CAUTION...THOSE UPSET WITH THE GOVERNMENT WILL GET A KICK OUT OF THIS*

    ok, so there is this dude on a desert island. one day a crate washes up on his little island and he opens it to find a briefcase. He opens the briefcase and out pops a genie dressed in a suit with a pocket protector and a clip board. Genie says, "ok buddy, this is how it works, accourding to article five, paragraph II of the genie hand book you make three wishes and i grant them."
    so the dude thinks about it and so, "ok, for my first wish, I want off this stinkin' island."
    the genie snaps his fingers and *poof* the dude finds himself in a beautiful oasis with honey and fruit abundant. "cool" he says. "for my second wish, i want to be the richest man in the world.
    "done" says the genie, and *poof* piles and piles of gold and jewels appear. right about now, the little dude is thinking, alright, this is cool! "ok genie, for my last wish, since i was on that island for such a long time i became kinda lonely. so for my last wish i wish to be desired and sought after by all women.
    genie says "wish granted" and *poof* the dude turns into a tampon.

    the moral of the story is: remember when you deal with the government, there are always strings attached.
  25. frio_carr Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 25, 2002
    star 3
    [image=http://216.20.236.28/friocorte/men-women.jpg]

    just for that last joke.
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