jokes

Discussion in 'Salt Lake City, UT' started by frio_carr, Nov 10, 2002.

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  1. mini_pounce Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Oct 19, 2002
    star 1
    hey! stop tormenting Bree...

    that's MY job!

    geeez Bree, couldn't even post the piccy right. geeeeez....

    *insert smiley rolling eyes*
  2. Marold Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 17, 2001
    star 6
    Just so ya'll know, that joke was told to me by a Texan at least a few times. :p
  3. Tori_Dakk Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 3, 2002
    star 2
    So I'm a texan, except I don't own any flags.... *sigh*

  4. Fingorfin Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Nov 7, 2001
    star 4
    :eek:

    A Texan that doesn't own the flag!?
    You need to get one. Every Texan needs one.

    [image=http://www.crwflags.com/fotw/images/u/us-tx.gif] [face_love]
  5. Marold Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 17, 2001
    star 6
    I'm a Utahn and I don't even own a Utah flag. I have a Wyoming one though. Don't ask why though.
  6. allenj456 Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Mar 8, 2002
    star 2
    The south Carolina flag rocks!!! No one has the utah flag cause its boring- its just a seal on a bed sheet- looks like the governors blanket or something.
  7. Marold Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 17, 2001
    star 6
    It has a beehive on it. :p
  8. Tori_Dakk Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 3, 2002
    star 2
    There is a dumb blonde (no offense to blondes)and she goes into a store and says I want that TV and the store employee says " NO because you're a dumb blonde" SO then she dies her red and goes back and says I want that tv... but the store employee says "no because you're still a dumb blonde" so then she dies her hair pink blue and says I want that TV... but the store employee still says "NO because you're a dumb blonde" so then she goes and dies her pink and says I STILL WANT THAT TV! But then the store employee finally says " If you want it you can have it but its not a TV..." What is it?
  9. frio_carr Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 25, 2002
    star 3
    ok ok ok I give up what is it?
  10. frio_carr Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 25, 2002
    star 3
    is it a mirror a microwave an oven a cardboard box what?
  11. frio_carr Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 25, 2002
    star 3
    here is another great joke

    bear

    funny no?
  12. Marold Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 17, 2001
    star 6
    Yes Trish, an answer would be nice. :p
  13. Tori_Dakk Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 3, 2002
    star 2
    oh yeah, I forgot about the answer... it was a mircowave... good job frio :)
  14. frio_carr Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 25, 2002
    star 3
  15. frio_carr Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 25, 2002
    star 3
  16. kita_pounce Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 6, 2003
    star 1
    *falls out of chair laughing* that bear joke was GREAT!! I can't stop laughing!
  17. kita_pounce Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 6, 2003
    star 1
    Elephants wear tu-tus so they can hide in pine trees. Did you ever see an elephant in a pine tree? No? Well then, you know it works.

    Guests who kill their talk show hosts. On the last Donahue.

    A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

    "Alex, I'll take 'Things Only I Know' for $200"

    9 out of 10 doctors say the 10th doctor should mellow out.

    Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people is crazy, check 3 friends, if they are ok, you're it.

    Sheep don't fly so much as plummet.

    You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

    Roses are Red, Violets are blue, I am schizophrenic, And so am I!

    Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.

    Write your questions down on the back of $20 dollar bill and send them to me.

    You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

    My greatest fear in life is that no-one will remember me after I'm dead. - some dead guy

    What's the greatest world-wide use of cowhide? To hold cows together.

    Tofu - the other white meat substitute.

    Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

    Iguana: The other green meat.

    Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

    Above all else: Sky.

    Help, I've fallen and I can't... Hey, nice carpet!

    Why not have your cake and eat it too - it's cake, what else are you going to do with it?

    What goes 'clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, BANG'? An Amish drive-by shooting.

    A rock --> me <-- A hard place

    Some people have a way with words, while others... erm... thingy.

    For people who like peace and quiet - a phoneless cord.

    Get your mind out of the sewer and into the gutter with the rest of us.

    Due to financial constraints, the light at the end of the tunnel has been extinguished.

    Be alert - the world needs more lerts.

    Forecast for tonight: Dark.

    Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

    Never knock on Death's door. Ring the doorbell and run (he hates that)

    Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

    Get your mind out of the gutter! Grab mine while you're there, please.

    Anything in parenthesis can (not) be ignored.

    Ways to Relieve Stress #10. Make up a language and ask people for directions.

    Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? - John Mendoza

    Time flies when you're in a coma.

    USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

    We reserve the right to arm bears.

    "The game of catch has never been so fun!" - inventor of the hand grenade.

    Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

    Do you know that if all the smokers were laid end to end around the world, three quarters of them would drown?

    In the beginning was the word. And the word was "Aardvark".

    You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

    Much can be achieved with a smile. Admittedly, much more can be achieved with a smile and a gun.

    A pessimist counting his blessings: 10 ... 9 ... 8 ... 7 ...

    Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!

    I hate the country, all those animals walking around un-cooked.

    The BEST part of waking up? Hitting the snooze button and going back to sleep.

    A major company just developed a new paint called Blondo, it's not to bright and it spreads easily..

    Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

    An apple a day keeps the doctor away. But if the doctor's cute, screw the fruit!!
  18. frio_carr Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 25, 2002
    star 3
    The salesman and the system analyst took off to spend a weekend in the
    forest, hunting bear. They'd rented a cabin, and, when they got there, took
    their backpacks off and put them inside. At which point the salesman turned
    to his friend, and said, "You unpack while I go and find us a bear."
    Puzzled, the analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat down
    on the porch. Soon he could hear rustling noises in the forest. The noises
    got nearer -- and louder -- and suddenly there was the salesman, running like
    hell across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the largest and
    most ferocious grizzly bears the analyst had ever seen.
    "Open the door!", screamed the salesman.
    The analyst whipped open the door, and the salesman ran to the door,
    suddenly stopped, and stepped aside. The bear, unable to stop, continued
    through the door and into the cabin. The salesman slammed the door closed
    and grinned at his friend. "Got him!", he exclaimed, "now, you skin this
    one and I'll go rustle us up another!"

    --- sig ---

    none of us is as dumb as all of us.
  19. ondiv Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 18, 2002
    star 4
    ok, I got this off of my brother's website's forum (look out! It's a shameless plug :eek: !! --> www.bladeplay.com).

    Her Side of the Story:
    My husband was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a cafe for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised but he didn't say anything about it. I don't remember doing anything to make him upset, but I could tell there was something wrong.

    The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off to someplace intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I was getting really worried, what did I do? What was bothering him? Was he mad at me?

    I tried to cheer him up, but started to wonder what was bothering him. Was it me or something else? I asked him if he was upset with me, he said no. But I wasn't really sure.

    In the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the heck that meant because, you know, he didn't say it back or anything. We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV.

    Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I wanted to confront him but didn't, so I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else.


    His Side of the Story:


    Played badly today --- shot 87 - - -can't putt for ****! Felt kinda tired.

    Got laid though.
  20. ondiv Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 18, 2002
    star 4
    I just had to bring this thread back. I'm a thread lover, not a killer ;)
    I have to give cred to Mary for this one, she emailed it to me...and my Dad loved it:

    So the professor gets up and says to all the class, "The girls' dormitarys are out of bound to the men and the men's dormitarys are out of bounds to the women. Those caught where they shouldn't be will have to pay a fine. The first offense is $20, the second $80 and the third is $180, is that understood."
    One of the guys sitting in the class asks the question, "so how much is a season pass?"
  21. The-Rookie Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    May 2, 2003
    star 2
    My uncle periodically send me emails he deems necessary for me to read, and I thought this one is cute:

    DUE TO INCREASING PRODUCTS LIABILITY LITIGATION, AMERICAN LIQUOR
    MANUFACTURERS HAVE ACCEPTED THE FDA'S SUGGESTION THAT THE FOLLOWING WARNING LABELS BE PLACED IMMEDIATELY ON ALL VARIETIES OF ALCOHOL CONTAINERS:

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
    happened to your bra and panties.

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
    when you are not.

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over
    and over again that you love them.

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers
    are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
    converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable
    rug
    burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
    tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
    laughing WITH you.

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

    WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcahol may Mack you tink you can tipe real
    gode.
  22. The-Rookie Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    May 2, 2003
    star 2
    and another one is:
    This is why God invented menopause.......
    With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65 year-old woman
    gave birth to a baby. When she was discharged from the hospital and went
    home, her relatives came to visit. "May we see the new baby?" One
    asked. "Not yet," said the 65 year-old mother, "Soon."
    Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the
    new baby now?"

    "Not yet," said the mother.

    After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the
    baby now?"

    "No," replied the mother.

    Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?"

    "WHEN IT CRIES," she told them.

    "WHEN IT CRIES?" They demanded. "Why do we have to wait until it
    CRIES?"..

    BECAUSE, I forgot where I put it..."
  23. The-Rookie Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    May 2, 2003
    star 2
    found another one:

    A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and she asked her what their names were.

    The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and the other was named Timex.

    Her friend said: "Whoever heard of someone giving their dogs names like that?"

    "HELLOOOooo," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs."
  24. ondiv Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 18, 2002
    star 4
    So, my dad is a lawyer. And he spends all day swapping jokes and spam with his other lawyer buddies (this is what our tax dollars are paying for). He came home with this one today:

    This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

    A Chalotte, NC. lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurence company.

    In his claim, the laywer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurence company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

    The lawyer sued....and won!

    In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurence company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim.

    Rather than endure the lengthy and costly appeal process, the insureance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires".

    NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

    After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested for 24 accounts of ARSON!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.
  25. ondiv Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 18, 2002
    star 4
    I love Top Ten lists.

    Top Ten Things Only Women Understand
    10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.
    9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.
    8. Crying can be fun.
    7. FAT CLOTHES.
    6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.
    5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be
    considered a peak life experience.
    4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
    3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is
    next to impossible.
    2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten
    minutes.
    AND THE NUMBER ONE THING ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND:
    1. OTHER WOMEN!

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