Omaha, NE Just some stuff I thought might be amusing

STAR WARS VILLAINS ON AN A TO F SCALE

Darth Vader
There's nothing to say. Darth is it. He's the 800 pound gorilla of the Force, Mister Lightsaber himself, the Dark Lord of the Sith. He's got the Admiral-choking power, the kick-ass mask, the intimidating rasp, the jet-black TIE fighter, and the James Earl Jones voiceovers. I don't care what Obi-Wan says, this is a man who made some good career choices. A+

Grand Moff Tarkin
It's hard to take a villain seriously when he has "Moff" in his title. Tarkin was nasty enough with his deeply etched scowl and his Aryan stride, and obviously he had enough going for him that Vader didn't give him the old long-distance esophagus handjob, but when the chips were down and Red Five was going in, he made the Bad Choice. Vader cleverly managed to survive the destruction of the Death Star and still come out looking like a total stud, but El Moff Grande just ended up as the third cinder from the left in the upper right hand corner of your screen. C

Stormtroopers
"Only Imperial Stormtroopers are so precise," said Obi-Wan in one of his less stunningly accurate pronouncements. Obi must have gotten a little too much sun during his Tattooine holiday, because as the rest of the movie shows Imperial Stormtroopers couldn't hit the sidewalk with a can of paint. If that's not bad enough, they're also easily intimidated and dumber than monkey chow. Still, they've got nifty uniforms and there's buttloads of them, so they make excellent fodder for the good guys. B-

Boba Fett
Another from the mask-and-armor school of villainy, Boba Fett had a lot going for him. Not only did he pack lots of cool gadgets like grappling hooks and a jet pack, he also had the wherewithal to track down Han Solo. Fett was the only one who didn't fall for the old "drift away with their garbage" trick, and thanks to that he was the one to deliver the Hansicle to Jabba and stick around for the party. Unfortunately now he's doing the new definition of pain and suffering thing in the Sarlacc pit. B

Jabba the Hutt
"Hutt" is right up there with "Moff" in the list of "words it's best not to have in your name if you want to be intimidating." Jabba actually lacks a lot of qualities necessary to be a really first-rate bad guy. Mobility is one of them. Lack of resemblance to escargot is another. He's got some mean pets and interesting ideas for torture, but he's really too party-oriented to make it as a villain. I mean, could you take out Vader using only a length of chain while wearing a metal bikini? I think not. C

Sandpeople
I was never able to figure out whether "Tusken Raiders" referred to the fact that they had little tusk-like thingies on their masks, or if they were from a town called Tusken or what. They were mean, though, with the scary faces and the rags for clothes and the Gaffi sticks with the spikes on the end and the big furry elephants to stomp the unassuming homes of hapless moisture farmers. But then, all you have to do is learn to make that noise that Ben Kenobi made and they're off like rabbits, even in mid-clobber, which kind of cuts down on their effectiveness. C+

 

Phantom Menace Aspects Rated

Queen Amidala's lower lip: A+

"My sideburns, chicks dig. Hot, they make me look.": C-

Darth Torso: A

Testing positive for Jedi: D+

Leia's hairdo justified at last: B

"Hey, Padme's totally hitting on Anakin!": C-

The Littlest Greedo: C

Darth Chin: C+

Collapsible Droids: B+

Jabba the Hutt and his Amazing Musical Cuspidor: B-

Hot hot double-sided lightsaber action: A+

"The chair recognizes the delegate from planet Spielberg": A-

And the Oscar for Most Blatant Messianic Reference goes to...: D

"Shmi." What is that? Welsh?: C+

The Tusken Raider Biathlon: B+

Wacky Battle Syndrome: D-

Darth Chin: B

 

BTW: other ratings can be found at www.bookofratings.com

 

Hey now, stormtroopers are precise. Even they can't miss from 10 feet away. Everything that I've read says that they had the sandcrawler stopped when they destroyed it. More than likely they just stuck the blaster right up to it and fired.

 

I wish someone would tell mark that
OUCH!

 

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