i only did it for the pizza.

 

I'm a pretty shallow guy. But I have given pleasure to the world because I have such a beautiful ass.

 

There's a photo of me picking the nose of a giant Polynesian head statue.

 

I went on Chat Roulette, but it was with friends.

 

People make coats out of minks, foxes, cows, 101 dalmatians; I just figured children coats were the next logical progression. Plus it's cold out.

 

I drank too much of that old janx spirit.

 

If I hadn't done it someone else would have. And for their sake I thought it was best that I did it in the most humane and dignified way possible, definitely compared to what would have happened to them if someone else had been in charge..

 

The llama had it coming.

 

If that old woman hadn't tapped me with her cane I wouldn't have had to throw it on the Metro tracks, threaten to then throw her on the tracks, and cause terrible delays on Wednesday morning...

 

Everything. OK! I'll talk! In third grade, I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max's toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog... When my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids and then they served lunch I got nuts and I pigged out and they kicked me out... But the worst thing I ever done - I mixed a pot of fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then, t-t-then, I made a noise like this: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa - and then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life.

 

I've seen someone else make that post before, Ender. Did you just try to Fresh Prince of Bel-Air us? In a thread by ophelia?

 

By quoting The Goonies in a confession themed thread? I'm stunned someone else was a kid in the 80's and fondly remembers this film. Though since the film didn't star Will Smith, you probably haven't seen it or found plot holes that ruined your enjoyment in a way that I, Rapist didn't.

I'm ever more stunned that someone would steal from a piece of popular culture in a post, on this message board. .

Back to your windmills, Woxote!

 

A lot of my crimes have a bit of a backstory to them. There's one from when I was in 3rd grade and was probably 9 years old and involved myself and a friend of mine named Jerry. This took place back in the mid 1980s and our school playground wasn't like the fortresses of safety and bubblewrap that you find today. Everything was surfaced with slabs of Iowa limestone, the kind you'd find fossils in if you had enough of it, and the play equipment sat right on top of it with just some flimsy rubber mats in a vain attempt to cushion any kind of fall. Forget about plastics, wood, or anything that could make them slightly ADA accessable. This stuff was all metal and would probably have injury attorneys seeing dollar signs. Our recess teachers weren't around much. Typically, they were smoking a Misty120 and reading Cosmopolitian. They didn't care about what we did as long as long as the three b's weren't there: blood, bones, or barf. This day, they cared.

The playground layout was so that the see-saws were right next to a 12-15 foot tall jungle gym. Our game was taking a small plastic toy dinosaur, the kind that you'd get in bags at the store for $1, and launch it into the air via the see-saw to see who could launch their dinosaur the furthest. Of course, this was the 1980s and Reganomics ruled. Nobody cared if we lost them all, we could just buy some more. I'm sure some of them are probably still there today buried under an inch or two of topsoil, a inch and a half tall multi-colored T Rex with it's head sticking out of the ground, probably confusing the hell out of some kid who wondered just how it got there.

To launch a dinosaur, you'd need two people, a jumper and a setter. The jumper would climb to the top of the jungle gym and leap onto the high end of the see-saw. The setter would place the dinosaur toy on the low end of the see saw. Theoretically, a single jumper could do both, but usually some idiot would come over and swipe your dinosaur, so the setter would be there to place the dinosaur when you were ready. The danger of being a jumper was all too obvious. You could break a bone if you missed or seriously injure yourself in at least a hundred other ways. The dangers of being a setter would soon become painfully obvious.

This day, I was the jumper and Jerry was the setter. I had climbed to the top of the jungle gym where I'd wait for Jerry to get the positioning of the dinosaur (probably a Triceratops as those had the best range) just right so we could get it to that Xanadu-like place which was the roof of the school and maybe the skylight over the principal's office. I told Jerry to hurry up as he was taking his time. Jerry said he was working on it, but I misheard him and thought he said that he was done working on it. So I stood atop the gym and took a jump.

I hadn't been airborne for more than a second or two when I realized that Jerry wasn't finished and just how horribly wrong this was going. I couldn't really correct my course without getting hurt, so I just hoped that he'd see me and move out of the way. Alas, he didn't.

The see-saw lurched upward, catching Jerry's jaw on the way. His mouth had been open at the time and the force of the metal clenched his teeth together with his tongue stuck in the middle. Before this, neither of us knew that blood could squirt. Jerry ran around the place screaming through his bloodied hands covering his mouth and squirting blood like a Sears® Automatic Oscillating Lawn Watering hose attachment.

The kids on the playground screamed. The teacher screamed. I screamed.

Jerry was taken to the nurse's office. None of his teeth had been knocked out and he was given ice cream. I got after school detention for 2 weeks. It's easy to plead ignorance here, and I was pretty young. I'll say it's safe to assume that I have served out my time for this mishap. Although Jerry's tongue healed up nicely, his smile is still a little crooked, even after 3 trips to the oral surgeon. We laugh about it now but neither of us have since gone near a see saw or a jungle gym.

 

"I don't just burn bridges; I burn them while I'm ********* on them"
- CM Punk from his "Best in the World" DVD Documentary.

 

Good grief, I leave my computer for a while and I come back to masses of unrepentant evildoers! I shall have to deal with a few of you at a time.

Healer_Leona: Of course it is! And we all know what you've been doing--you've been looking at pictures of Qui-Gon Jinn with his shirt off again, haven't you?! CONDEMNED!! You are hereby sentenced to post your best safe-for-work Jedi cheesecake picture.

Jensaarai1219: If I only had a dime for every time someone told me that! CONDEMNED! Now you must provide definitions for the following made-up words:

axfarble
pedoonziak
krimbly

anakinfansince1983: I'm sure he did, but you enjoyed it anyway, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU?! CONDEMNED!! You are sentenced to post a YouTube video of a gushy love song that we can imagine you secretly pretend is about you and Anakin.

 

Eeth-my-Koth: Good plan. PARDONED.

Sinrebirth: You don't remember your crimes, eh? Well maybe this will jog that faulty memory: orangutan hairs, vaseline, and maribou slippers in the Rue Morgue! No? Well it doesn't matter. You are still CONDEMNED!!

As an Episode VII forum mod, you must now say something unironically cheerful about Darth_Guy.

Darth_Invidious: Well, I don't recognize YOUR MOM!! . . . that worked better in my head. Who cares, though. You're CONDEMNED.

You are sentenced to tell us what normal, commonplace thing you have actually never done.

 

Axfarble is a fairy tale recounting lessons learned whilst committing ax murders.
Pedoonziak is the species from which Dr. Suess stole Thing 1 and Thing 2.
Krimbly is a word used to describe a delicate object that is disgusting or undesirable.

 

What does this comment even mean? Will Smith has never been accused of sexual assault or even harassment that I am aware of. And the film itself had no "rape" scenes in it. It was actually quite unique and commendable in presenting a professional male/female friendship that was devoid romantic overtones.

 

TELL THAT TO ASIMOV. "CONVERSE ALL STARS 2004 VINTAGE. YOU TOO CAN BUY THESE, AUDIENCE. GO. NOW. THE MOVIE WILL WAIT. BAAAAA"

 

Actually, there are a number of elements quite evidently lifted from Asimov's stories, as anyone who has ever read his work can tell.

 

Hmm... well, how's this?
http://www.wellaware1.com/

 

I could do that...but since I still don't recognize the authority of this court...I. Won't.

*shoots his way out*

 

Oh. Since you clarified, I'll just say that anachronistic group of citizens that wore/used 20th century products was actually central to the plot of Caves of Steel. There certainly wasn't an error in either the inclusion of such an element or the reaction of the other characters to it. That they turned it into a moment of product placement was only sensible, given how much noise their fictional universe demanded they put around the moment in the first place.