Beyond - Legends JvT (Janson. Versus. TARFANG!)

Title: JvT. Janson. Versus. TARFANG!
Author Jinn_Soresom
Genre: Humor, mild AU
Summary: Really, the title says it all.

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On the forest moon of Endor, two soldiers made camp for the night. As the battle between the Confederation and the Galactic Alliance raged on, old friends came back together, crossing partisan lines and fulfilling the one loyalty that mattered above all else-the loyalty to each other.

And so it was that two old veterans, Derek "Hobbie" Klivian and his best friend, Wes "That Idiot" Janson packed up. They had come at the behest of their friend and ex-commander Wedge Antilles, to team up with the rogue Jedi Knights on Endor.

That being said, there wasn't enough room for all of them.

Wes relaxed on his hammock, hands behind his head, as he tried to sleep. The remnants of their campfire still crackled now and then, and the embers glowed with ambient heat. It was during times like this that Janson could do his serious thinking. Thinking about the important things, like his life, his future, the future of the galaxy, and the nature of the universe. Few knew that Janson was secretly a genius. He learned from a very young age that his vast intellect intimidated people, and so he hid it behind a facade of incessant jokes and irreverance.

He frowned as he heard a rustling in the bushes across the way. Sliding his blaster from his holster, he sauntered over to Hobbie's hammock. "Hobbie," he whispered as he shook his friend. "Hobbie, wake up!"

Hobbie continued to snore loudly, and as Janson shook his hammock, Klivian's head lolled back limply. A snot bubble grew in his nostril and popped audibly. Shaking his head in disgust, Janson turned back to the bush. "All right," he said. "Come on out of there."

To his vast relief, no giant creature of gratuitous doom, no vast and mighty monster of legend and lore emerged from behind the bush. Instead, an innocous Ewok waddled out and began to poke Janson's pack.

Janson lowered his blaster. "Hey there, little fella," he said. Remembering what the Princess Leia had told them years before about Ewoks, he reached into his jumpsuit and pulled out a cracker. He held it out to the Ewok, who stared distrustfully at him before taking the cracker and nibbling it.

"You gave me a scare there, little guy," Janson said. "I thought you were-"

Janson stopped abruptly as the Ewok dropped the cracker and leapt onto him, sinking his teeth into his forearm. Janson blinked and stared at the Ewok as his cute little button eyes began to glow red-red with evil.

Then it occured to Janson that his arm hurt.

"AHHH! Hobbie! Get it off of me! Hobbie! Hobbie!"

Hobbie continued to sleep.

Janson began to slam his arm into a tree, but the stubborn little mammal held on. "Get off of me, you little kriffing-" The pilot ran from tree to tree, ramming the Ewok into them at full speed. He swang his arm from side to side, the Ewok growling and frothing at the mouth.

"Hobbie! Help! It's got me!"

Janson slammed his arm into another tree and pinned the Ewok there. Still screaming, he beat the Ewok about the face, clouting and punching. The Ewok's death grip loosened slightly, and Janson was able to slip his arm free. Holding the Ewok from Hell aloft, Janson took a few steps forward and hurled the creature into a convenient boulder. It hit head-first and dropped without a sound.

"Wes!"

Panting and grimacing in pain, Janson turned to see his friend, finally aroused from slumber.
"Wes, how could you?"
"Well, you've got to get your momentum going first, and then-"
"How could you kill a defenseless little Ewok?"

Janson gaped. "No, wait, you don't understand-"
"Beating up fluffy little animals, Janson?" Hobbie said. "Really? Come on, pick him up and let's see if Luke can do something about it."

Janson approached the fallen enemy and turned him over. To his a

 

This was so hilarious!

Nut-shot? Ewok from Hell...

I loved it.

 

Hey, you're back!
Thanks for reading, I thought no one was ever gonna respond.
This little story was actually based off of a dream I had one night. I woke up Luke Skywalker-style; which is to say, by bolting up and sweating.
...
No, seriously, having a flying Ewok cannonade himself into your droopy bits would hurt like all unholy hell.

 

That was hilarious


~ Mags ~

 

I'm not entirely sure what I was expecting when I saw "Janson" in the title and opened this, but, oh my goodness gracious. What fun! Janson getting beat up by an Ewok and Hobbie getting the whole thing on tape . . . priceless.

Few knew that Janson was secretly a genius.

Either that's just his delusions or this is the slight AU part.

I was very impressed by the strength of your writing:

There are many different species in the known galaxy, all of which posess their own unique anatomical weaknesses. Being the most prolific of sentient species, the human being's weakness-a swift strike to the crotch-was very well known. But in all the recorded history of the galaxy, no one strike to the groin-hereafter referred to as a "nut-shot"-measured up to the almighty strike to the gonads that occured when that evil little Ewok rolled backwards, braced himself against the rock, and hurled himself like a cannonball into Janson's sensitive parts.

That has got to be the best written crotch shot ever. Not only was it absolutely hilarious to picture, but you've got a very strong command of the written word, and it's always very exciting to see some fantastic writing.

Fantastic job! I hope you'll write some more Janson & Hobbie, they don't get enough attention.

 

Priceless!

Wes "That Idiot" Janson, lol.

Janson blinked and stared at the Ewok as his cute little button eyes began to glow red-red with evil.

I can actually imagine that

"Wes, how could you?"
"Well, you've got to get your momentum going first, and then-"
"How could you kill a defenseless little Ewok?"
Janson gaped. "No, wait, you don't understand-"
"Beating up fluffy little animals, Janson?" Hobbie said.

And like talkingbanana said, that was an awesome nut-shot scene. And Hobbie got it all on tape during Janson's dazed pain...

This was so much fun!

I think I really need to read the X-wing series. Does it have a lot of funny Janson scenes like this one?