Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by Padawan4687, Jul 18, 2010.
I finished editing it, and the part sounds better, in my opinion, and longer!
He's Darth Malak. Before he became Darth Malak.
Great stuff, Padawan!
I have a chance to do another part thanks to winter break! This is taking place two weeks after Part 23. ((Well Raven needed the time to heal!))
A small bead of sweat trickled down Raven's face. She and Nalana were in the Training Gounds once again, but this time, she was in charge! Keeping her promise, Raven was performing as many moves as she could remember that Alek had showed her. The last move she could recall was her shooting a strong and fast series of blows to tire out an opponent, and then launching a final strike for their chest. She could clearly see disapproval on her mentor's face.
"What?" Raven asked, self-conscious. "Did I do something wrong?" Nalana shook her head. "No...its just some of those moves...the Jedi never use that method in a lightsaber duel."
She then moved on to the Force attacks. Some of them were neutral, being learned by both Jedi and Sith, but a few caught her mentor's eye... Raven stood in the center of the ring of rocks, some big, some small. She held up both hands out, and all of the small ones began to rise. She twirled her hands around, and the stones began to swirl in a tornado-like funnel. They moved faster and faster, and, after a few moments, Raven thrust her arms outward, and everything that was in the air was thrown wildly. Nalana had to leap backward to avoid being hit!
"It's a very good thing I found out what he was doing to you." she said. "Otherwise, he might have taught you a Force move that can kill! That "whirlwind," is deadly enough!" Raven lightly kicked at one stone. "I still can't believe I let myself be fooled by a...a Sith Lord of all things!" Nalana walked over to her, still wary of all the rocks, and said, "He must have used some type of Force move that dims your force signature."
Raven looked up. "I read about that! Isn't your Force signature say whether you are a Jedi or a Sith?" Nalana nodded. "Well, you're close, but a Force signature is more like a feeling you get. Remember how you said you felt when those Dark Jedi were near us?" Raven nodded. "Yeah...I kept getting a kind of chill...but I also felt that way back on Naboo. There were no Sith anywhere there." "That's another thing." Nalana said. "You may also sense the Dark Side if you are in an area where there were many of them, or if they were there recently."
Raven opened her mouth to say something, when Bastilla rushed in. "Nalana! Raven!" she said urgently. "You need to see this!" The two hurried after her, and Bastilla lead them to a small dark room. There was a kind of hologram table on it, and at the push of a button, a large map appeared. "What is so important that I had to stop the training session?" Nalana asked, sounding disgruntled. Bastilla pointed to a planet in the Outer Rim, and said, "This. Raven, you should know." Raven stared, bewildered, but the next words Bastilla said explained everything. "We've found him."
I think I'll write more tomorrow. ((For me, school starts again on Wednesday.))
I like the updates you made to the last part and this new one! Now Raven is having to unlearn what she learned from Alek. What a drag!
But a cool drag!
Nice updates! It sounds like Raven is going to be reunited with Peter again, as long as the Dark Jedi haven't found him first.
WOW! I have been gone for a long time! If anyone was wondering, it was a few problems with my grades. Anyway, here is my latest part. I really want to make up for my absence....
Raven could hardly believe her ears. After weeks of searching, Peter had been found! The slavers had dropped him off at the Cloud City gas mines. The condidtions there were terrible--even worse than Tatooine!
"Can I go, Master?" she instantly asked. "He's my best friend! I haven't seen him in two or three months! PLEASE??" Nalana smiled. "I suppose you can...but you'll lose some training time."
"I'll make up! I promise!" Rvane instantly said. She was desperate to go. If she couldn't see her parents, she wanted to at least see Peter.
The next two days that followed were a blur. Nalana, Bastilla, Raven, and Koi were all preparing for the trip. Nalana and Raven made sure they had well-stocked food, and Bastilla and Koi checked the gun turrets, in case they had to defend themselves. Carth, known to Raven as Captain Onasi, prepped the ship. Soon, the group was gathered in the cockpit of the ship. "Is everything ready?" Carth asked, seated in the pilot's chair.
"Yes, we double-checked everything." Nalana replied. The Ebon Hawk slowly lifted of the landing platform, and began to fly into space. Once free from Dantooine's gravity field, Carth pulled the lever to blast off into Hyperspace...
The trip was short, and soon, they had just landed on a platform on Cloud City. It was then Raven saw how the planet lived up to its name. It was literally, a city in the clouds!
The ship was thourghlly searched, and luckily, it was in the clear. The problem was getting into the gas mines themselves. There were Sith Guards everywhere, and cameras watched their every move. "We have to get in that building." Nalana said, when everyone was back inside the ship's hold. Carth had a hand on his chin. "Back on Taris, we had the Sith Trooper outfits..."
"Well, yess..." Nalana slowly said, "But if we are to get them now, we'd have to take out a Sith Trooper patrol! I'd prefer to lay low." Koi looked very thoughtful. "Maybe we can pull the Troopers in a deserted place and attack?" Bastilla shook her head slightly. "There are camera droids everywhere. We'd have to find a place they couldn't go."
Raven spoke up. "Maybe we could lure them into a trap...?" Nalana turned her thoughtful gaze to her. "What sort of a trap do you have in mind?" she asked. Bastilla spoke up. "Perhaps one of us can rush to a group of Sith Troopers, and say we need help." Raven nodded. "The person could lead them to a small place, or...an alley or something, and the rest of us can attack."
Carth smiled. "We have an idea, but there are three things missing. First, we need to think of the "help," the person would need. Second, who would go out there, and third, where will we bring them?"
Koi spoke up. "I have an idea! While we were walking back to the Ebon Hawk, I saw a really thin alleyway not far from us. It was really shadowy, and there were no camera droids nearby. We could lead them there, and jump down from the buildings on both sides."
"Well, that's one place." Nalana said. "You'll have to show us that alley, Koi."
Raven offered herself up to go talk the Sith Troopers, and Nalana did NOT take that idea well. "Raven! You don't have a weapon, and who knows if they will take you seriously!" Raven grinned mischievously. "That is why I have to go! I don't have a lightsaber, so the Sith Troopers would instantly know I;m not a threat. Also, I have an idea on what "help," I would need." Nalana shook her head again. "You already took aa risk with the astromech time-bomb you used back onTatooine!" she protested. "Not to mention Alek! You've taken enough risks."
There was a long argument, but thanks to Bastilla's support, Raven eventually won. "I still don't like this, Raven." Nalana said. "I hope that idea of help you have works." She exited the ship quietly, and as she watched, Koi led the others to the alleyway. She allowed herself to wander a little, until she spo
Nice update there! Raven sure is full of clever ideas. I wonder why there are Sith all over Cloud City. Probably after the mining profits, I bet.
One note: Although Carth is the pilot of the ship, his military rank at the time of KOTOR I is Lieutenant, though he does get promoted through Captain to Admiral shortly after the game.
I'm missing a million things on the Kotor era, aren't I?
Awesome stuff; well worth the wait.
Have you ever played KotOR? It's a fantastic game, and you'd really love it.
I once borrowed the game, Master, but the Internet crashed on the computer I was using, and my file was erased. Also, the person needed the game back, because it wasn't his ((It was his cousin's))
Currenly, my brother and I are trying to get our father to let us by the game
Intriguing. Looking forward to your next update, Padawan.
The Nerfherder That's all you have to say? Intriguing? Come on, I'd like a bit more detail! As in, what you liked specifically!
Nalana sniffed disdainfully at the three Sith Trooper suits laid out on the table. "I hated wearing that thing on Taris, and I'll hate wearing it now!"
Carth grinned. "If you find a more stylish Sith Outfit, let me know!" Nalana grumbled in response, and tossed the suit over her shoulder, and she and Carth walked over to where Bastilla, Raven, and Koi were gathered.
Raven was talking."...then I said, "It's...its my mother! We had gone shopping and....and these to guys jumped out and-"
She jumped slightly as her Master spoke up suddenly. "I hate to interrupt, but we have to finish this, don't we?" Carth put down his Trooper outfit, and spoke his thoughts. "Now that we have these, I have a way for us to get in the Gas Mines." All heads turned to him.
"Since there is no way Ravem and Koi can fit in these things, and there are three of them, I was thinking Nalana, Bastilla and I could wear them, and disguise the children as-"
"Slaves?!" Koi blurted out furiously. "I can't be a slave again, even as a disguise! I don't want anything to do with them anymore!" Carth quickly held up both hands, trying to calm him down. "Hold on! I know its a touchy subject for you, but I don't see any other way a to get in that place! I mean, how else will we get two children in a Gas Mine? If anyone else has a better idea, I'd love to hear it!"
Unfortunately, no one else responded to his challenge. Even Raven, for all her bright ideas, has drawn up a blank.
"The sooner this is over, then better..." Koi grumbled. He and Raven were covered in light gray cloaks, and small handcuffs were wrapped tightly around their wrists. "You think I like this?" Raven asked, "I only spent a week or two as a...a slave, and I hate it just as much as you do!"
"Be quiet, the two of you." Bastilla said, her voice muffled behind the Sith Trooper helmet. "You can't be chatting when we get to those guards." Raven held back a sigh, and attempted to feel her wrists, because the handcuffs were rubbing uncomfortably againt her skin.
She managed to keep quiet as they approached the guards. "Hold it!" one of them barked, glancing at Raven and Koi. "Who are these children?"
"They are prisoners, sir." Carth said, his voie expressionless. Bastilla followed suit. "We were ordered to take them directly to the Tibana Gas Mines." The two Sith Troopers standing guard took a long look at the "prisoners," then finally nodded. They could pass. It was when they were safely in the elevator down to the gas mines, when Raven let out a sigh of relief. She held out her arms. "Can you please take these things off? They are drilling into my skin!"
Koi shot her a rueful smile. "If you have worn them as long as me...you get used to it..." he said with a sigh. Raven nodded, but kept her eyes on Nalana, who shook her head no. "I'll take them off the both of you when we're in the mines. I promise."
The elevator doors slid open with a rusty squeak, and there were slaves working all aroun them, pumping out the gas. As soon as the cuffs were off, Raven shot forward, trying to distinguish a single face. She ignored her Master's shouts, and began searching for her friend. Unfortunately, they were packed together so tightly, the men women and children became a giant mass o thick to tell one person from another. She held back a gasp at how thin the children were. She could see bones behind their bare arms.
Raven eventually slowed to a walk, and tried to get her breath back. I wonder if Peter might look like that! She thought worriedly. She at last stopped, and began to look around.
"Raven?" a quiet voice said. Raven jumped up and spun around, so find herself looking at a familiar face. His curly brown hair was caked with dirt, and his clothes were ragged and torn. But his brown eyes hadn't lost their old spark. "Peter!" Raven cried out in shock, and threw her arms around him. "It is you..." Peter's voice was only a whisper.
I have no idea where you could possibly be going with this, that's what intrigues me. I like your fresh perspective. This is original, unique. That's not easy to pull off.
I enjoyed your update, BTW. Nice to see Peter coming back into the story.
I actually really liked that update. Even if it wasn't action packed, I liked all of the character interaction.
Well, I try to keep it fresh and origional, but there are a few events in KOTOR that I absolutely have to put in. If you are familiar with the game, you can guess what events I mean.
Great updates! I really like how you wrote the reunion between Raven and Peter, with lots of little details that make the story come alive.
Those mines sound awful! I hope they can get Peter out of there all right I probably shouldn't be too worried, though--they do have Raven with them, after all.
SoA: I should be glad; that means I can pull off originality, action, and interaction!
Shillani: Heh-heh. Raven is a bit of a clever one, isn't she? Well, in future parts, I have a few situations that even she won't be abler to think to get out of! *evil laugh*
Okay, time to get started...
Part 27 ((Yay! I'm almost on my 30'th part!!))
Raven held her chin, trying to think. They would need a whole different scheme to get themselves out of these mines. The Sith Trooper outfits were out, because only the adults could fit in them. There was no way they could fight their way out, because the other slaves would be in danger, and she and Koi hadn't gotten light sabers yet...
The loud squeaking of wheels broke into her thoughts, and a Sith Trooper with a cart filled with...medical supplies, it looked like. That cart is huge! Raven thought absently, It almost looks like you could fit a person in there... She jerked her head up, and began looking at the cart more closely. One person...or three children.
"Maybe we could use the cart?" Raven attempted. Nalana gave it a closer look. "Hmm...it looks pretty cramped... You three would really have to squish down to all fit in one of them."
Bastilla broke in. "How exactly will we get the cart? If we use force, the other slaves could get hurt, or worse. We may have to dust off those Sith outfits again."
Nalana grimaced. "I was hoping there was a different way. I hate that thing..." Raven noticed Carth was looking at her with an expression somewhere between teasing and annoyed. "I thought Jedi were supposed to be a bit more...hmm...mature then that? Grumbling about those outfits won't change anything Nalana."
In response, Nalana glared at him, but said nothing. Raven had to chuckle lightly. Bastilla got between the quarreling pair, and said, "The sooner we get out of here, the sooner we all can stop wearing those outfits. I am not quite fond of them, either." Carth shook his head slightly, while Nalana looked relieved. " I have a way to take that cart off his hands."
Raven, Koi, and Peter all stood a safe distance away, while Bastilla, Carth, and Nalana had on those terrible suits again. The three walked out near the path of the Sith Trooper with the medical cart. "Are the three of you on patrol?" he greeted them. "These slaves must be serious trouble if three guards must go in at a time!"
Carth spoke up. "We were all on patrol, but we ran into an injured slave. A tool malfunction, it looked like."
"How bad are the injuries?" The Trooper asked. "There was plenty of blood." Carth replied smoothly. "We're lucky not to have gotten spatters of it on our uniforms."
Even from afar, Raven spotted the Trooper wince. "It takes months to wash the stuff off!" Carth chuckled lightly, and said, "Yeah, I guess I'm lucky to keep mine clean. Anyway, we'll need to take a few supplies from your cart to treat him." The Trooper looked down at the cart, and stepped away from it. "How about you three take the whole thing? There's nothing more boring then wheeling this thing around, and it sounds like you could use it."
Raven, Koi, and Peter all shared a grin. They were going to get out! "How about I make this move a little faster?" Peter whispered, and he let out a low, painful groan. It wasn't very loud, but loud enough for the adults below to hear. Four heads swiveled in the sound's direction, and Carth quickly said, "I think that was the slave! We had better hurry."
Raven instantly regretted her plan. The cart was hardly big enough to hold herself and Koi! So they were all crushed inside the tin cart. "Ow! You're sitting on my foot, Raven!" hissed Koi. Raven was already crushed against Peter, so she snapped a quick response. "I can hardly move! Just deal with it for now!" she saw Koi glare at her, but she ignored it. The sooner they got out of that stupid cart, the better!
"Well, it looks like the clever Raven has hit a bump on her ideas!" that was Peter. "Well, if you had a better idea at the time,
Nice update there! Raven is at it again with clever ideas. They're almost out and we can breathe easily again.
Finally caught up - I'm in grad school so I'm often busy and since I was about twenty parts behind, it took a bit to catch up.
I've liked the chapters with lots of chit-chat and character interaction the best. I've always thought the best way to really get in touch with characters is by showing how they react and speak with others. If you've read any of the story linked to in my signature, you'll quickly notice I love dialogue.
I'll try to keep my eye out better for udpates in the future!
Good to see you! I was afraid you weren't a reader anymore, since you never commented. then again...twenty parts is quite a lot to read...and you do have a life to live, I mean, there's no way you can spend a whole day on the computer!
So, anyway, I could add you to my PM list, if you like. But, I try to update the story weekly. So, if you don't see a new reply by Sunday, something came up. But, Spring break is coming up!
Not that I'll spend ALL my time on here, but I'll have a lot more time to write!
Nice update! Poor Raven, Koi and Peter! Not exactly first-class passage in that medical cart, is it? Ah well, it seems to have done the trick as an escape route.
I like the banter between Nalana and Carth about the Sith uniforms. I'm in definite agreement with LaForzaViva about dialogue--in real life, people talk to each other all the time, so in any piece of writing dealing with multiple characters, dialogue just happens naturally, unless there's a logical reason why the characters shouldn't be talking.
That cart is certainly not!
So, you enjoyed the banter? I've been trying to pull that off for a few of the parts, actually. Glad I got it right!
I want to try and update this one again. I?ve got Spring break for all this week, so, PARTS GALORE!
Raven, Koi and Peter quickly understood. If the guards overheard, there would be gunfire everywhere? Koi began to look around the small room cluttered with carts. Raven and Peter followed suit. Nalana broke in. ?Guys- I think I see a window!?
She was right. At the very back of the room, was a small rectangle-shaped window. It hardly let in light, but it was there. Bastilla tugged on the sill, trying to get it open. That window was old?you could tell from the rust all over the sill, and with a few squeaks, the window was released. Nalana peeked out. ?This building must be against a wall?.I can only see brick.? She said. She then held her arm outside. ?But?.it?s definitely big enough for us.?
?I sure hope by ?us,? you also mean me, too.? Carth grunted, eying the window doubtfully. Even in the gloom, Raven caught her Master?s rolled eyes. But they were only there for a second; the next she was out the window. Raven heard a slight thump of feet, then Nalana poked her head back inside. ?It?s alright. We?re on the ground level. Come on out! Quickly!?
Raven came out next, then Peter, then Koi. Bastilla slipped out after them, and Carth squeezed out last. Nalana feigned shock. ?You said you thought you wouldn?t fit!? she said, hiding a laugh. Carth grunted in response. Nalana was about to say something back, when a deep voice came from inside the window. ?Hey- what?s going on in there?? it was a Sith Trooper?s voice.
?Can we joke around later?? Bastilla asked silently, shaking her head at Nalana and Carth. ?We have to get out of here, first!?
Soon, the group was back to safety within the Ebon Hawk, heading back to Dantooine. Peter was attempting to interrogate Raven about everything that happened to her.
She explained with as much detail as she could, her time on Tatooine, the Jedi?s appearance, and her training. She neglected to mention Alek, though.
It was then Raven?s turn to ask the questions. Peter didn?t have as much to say. He told her about his work on Cloud City, which was mining tanks full of Tibana gas to the people above. He had no idea why there were Sith Troopers all over; none of the other slaves knew either. He timidly mentioned how afraid he was; whether he would see his parents again, his homeworld, and his friends, especially her.
Raven was about to say the same, when they landed on Dantooine. Peter kept close behind Raven as they walked out onto the landing platform. ?So?what happens to me now?? he whispered nervously to her. Raven recalled back to when she and Koi first arrived. ?I?I think the Jedi Council will have to speak with you.? She replied. The sight of Peter?s terrified face made her choke down a laugh.
?I can?t see them!? He whispered loudly. ?Not looking like this!? he then gestured to his clothes, which were still ragged and dirty.
?Oh, please, Peter!? she replied, exasperated. ?How do you think Koi and I looked when we first came here? We were working on the giant ball of sand that is Tatooine! We looked just as bad as you?maybe even worse!?
Peter still looked worried. Raven was right; Nalana and Bastilla had to bring him to the Council. Raven and Koi stood next to their Masters, and even from behind, Raven could see worry coming off her friend in waves?wait a second?.she couldn?t see it! All she did see was Peter standing tall and unmoving before the members of the Jedi Council. Yet, she could easily tell her friend was terrified.
Is this a part of that ?Force Bond,? thing that Mission told me about before? she wondered. I know he?s worried?but he doesn?t show it?his voice isn?t faltering either?am I?.sensing this or something?
Peter?s meeting with the council took a shorter time than hers and Koi?s so soon he was exploring the Alcove. But, the one thing that was similar; his mind was bursting with quest