Saga - ST Kylo Ren and the Knights of Ni (Comedy One-Shot w/ minor TFA Spoilers)

As the title suggests, in this thread are plot-related spoilers from the new movie. If you do not want to be spoiled even on mis-mashed plot chunks, then this story may spoil you even though it is a crossover. Please be aware of any and all spoilers that may be present in the story herewithin.


Background NOTE: When I saw Episode 7, I found that I was a little disappointed by the film. Hence, with the way my mind seems to wander, I immediately saw an opportunity for a crossover parody wth one of my favorite films of all time. Monty Python and the Holy Grail. With the Knights of Ren in the film being left ambiguous at the moment, it seemed like a perfect opportunity to play a clever parody around their purpose. From there I built on, making references from both films while adding a bit of my own original material.

I hope you enjoy this irreverent tale. Remember, coconuts are migratory!

---

Kylo Ren and the Knights of Ni:


A Long Time Ago, On an Isle Far, Far . . . or No More than a Swallow's Flight . . . Or is that an Unladen Swallow . . . Away . . .


THE QUEST FOR THE HOLY GRAIL HAS BEGUN.

KING ARTHUR AND HIS TRUSTY KNIGHTS OF CAMELOT, HAVE BEEN TASKED WITH A SACRED QUEST TO . . .

(We are sorry to inform you that the parody writer of this film has indeed been sacked. The remaining credits have been done at the last minute, at high expense, and with absolutely no creativity whatsoever . . .)

---

FN-2187 charged down the ramp into the battle. He had been briefed that this mission would be highly dangerous, and that there would be plenty of risk to life and limb. Being as it was his first battle, he didn't quite know what to expect. Should he play things by ear, or charge heroically down to try and quell the natives of the Jakku village they were attacking?

The battle raged on for several minutes. As FN-2187 ran forward, his blaster raised, another stormtrooper was shot by a native and collapsed to the ground. "Message for you, dude," the trooper said before hitting the ground.

FN-2187 lifted the trooper's torso up. "Concorde? Concorde, speak to me!" he said through his helmet. There was only silence from the other trooper, so FN-2187 let him go back down to the ground. He then stood back up, completely bewildered. A slip of flimsy was on the trooper's body, so FN-2187 picked it up.

Help me. My father is forcing me to marry against my will. Please, please help. I am in the tall tower of a wrecked Star Destroyer on the other side of the planet.

"Ah ha, finally, a cry of distress!" FN-2187 exclaimed, oblivious to the rest of the battle. "This may be the sign that leads us to the puzzle piece! Oh, Concorde, you shall not have died in vain!"

The other stormtrooper lifted his helmet off the ground. "I'm not quite dead yet," he said.

"Uh . . . you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain!"

"I think I can pull through," Concorde said.

"Hm, I see," FN-2187 commented. This wasn't what he had expected.

"In fact, I can come with you," Concorde said, trying to stand up. FN-2187 stopped him.

"No, Concorde, I shall send help as soon as I can. First, I need to finish my . . . my . . ."

"Idiom?"

"Idiom!" FN-2187 exclaimed.

"No, really, I think I can . . ." Concorde said, trying to get up.


"Farewell, sweet Concorde!" FN-2187 said as he ran off.

"I guess I'll just wait here, then," Concorde said, shrugging. Then he sighed.

---

It was another bad situation that Han Solo and Chewbacca found themselves in. The air was cloudy, but it was not atmospheric cloudy. Instead, it was musty and noxious, just like the craft that a smuggler would fly would very likely be. Or maybe it was because they had burned the bacon that morning, and some of the charred scent had made it down to the lower levels of the ship. Either that or Chewie hadn't taken out the garbage yet. But it smelled very dank and musty, just the perfect scene for chaos to ensue.

There was a knock on the airlock door to Han's right. He turned, blaster ready to fire. He always tried to talk himself out of these situations, but if he needed a weapon, it was right there for his ease of use. Getting out of tight jams had always been a specialty, but the blaster was his last resort. Talking it out had saved his hide many a time, and thus he was going to try it again.

"Hello! HELLO!" he yelled at the door.

"Hello? Who is it?" came a very cliché voice from the other side of the door.

"It is I, Han Solo. And this is my trusty assistant, Chewbacca," Han exclaimed. "We have ridden from one side of this galaxy to the other, looking for people to join my smuggling operation. Ask your master if he wishes to join my team. If you can provide us bacon that isn't burned and a copy of the new Republic Weekly holozine that somehow got lost in the mail, then he is welcome to join me in my venture."

"Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'd be very keen. He's already got one, you see."

"What?"

Chewie grumbled something in his native tongue to Han. It was translated to "He says they've already got one."

"Hunh?" Han asked. Taking a momentary pause, he turned back to the door. "Are you sure he's got one?"

"Oh yes, it's very nice!" the voice from the other side of the door said.

"Can we come over and have a look?"

"Of course not! You are a main character type!"

"And what are you, then?" Han asked indignantly.

"I'm a character with precious little name or screen time, you silly smuggler you!"

"What are you doing in this movie?" Chewie demanded, with Han having to translate.

"Mind your own business!"

"Now look here, my good man . . . or maybe if you're looking to collect a debt from me, you aren't that good . . ."

"I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed smuggler you! You and all your silly main characters! I make gross noises in your general direction and call you a son of a silly person, you silly Solo of Han!"

"I've been more than reasonable . . ."

"Go away, or I shall taunt you a second time-uh!" the voice said.

"OK, don't have to get defensive about it," Han said, rolling his eyes. "But you're the one bothering us, not us knocking on your damn door."

"You have a point," the voice from the other side of the door said. There was a long pause. "OK, we will go now, you silly Solo . . ."

"Oh shut up!" Han yelled.

The voice from the other side of the door said nothing. A loud sound echoed through the hall, and the other ship had obviously unlatched its airlock from Han's ship.

"What the hell was that all about?" Finn asked when he poked his head out of the trap door.

"I don't know. What a strange person. Boring conversation anyway," Han said with a shrug.

---

"Kylo . . . Kylo . . ." the mask on the end of Kylo Ren's bed said.

Kylo put a hand over his mask's eye slits.

"Oh don't cover your eyes!" the charred mask of Darth Vader snapped at him.

"Forgive me," Kylo said, very much taken aback.

"And stop groveling! It's what I hate about all you wannabes, always saying 'I'm not worthy of your power and all that'. It's miserable and depressing. So knock it off!"

"Yes, grandfather," Kylo said.

"And take off that silly mask! You look ridiculous!"

Kylo took the mask off to reveal his face, which looked strangely similar to his grandfather's face, hair and all . . .

"Kylo, you seek a purpose in your life. Let me shed some light on that," the Vader helmet said.

All of a sudden, a strange apparition appeared in front of Kylo's face, and he looked at it, completely transfixed. It looked like a small brown grenade.

"This is the Puzzle Piece. You will obsessively try to hunt this piece down by whatever means necessary throughout this whole picture. In order to accomplish this mission, you will need to recruit only the finest minor characters that money or power can buy. Because that is your purpose, Kylo. The Search for the Holy . . . er . . . PUZZLE PIECE."

The apparition disappeared, and Kylo looked back at the mask. It stared back up at him, not saying a word.

"Wait, you were supposed to tell me the secrets to the Dark Side and how you did it!" Kylo whined. But the mask said nothing; it had finished its piece.

---

Narrator: Now, on to Scene 24, which is a smashing scene with some lovely acting in which Poe discovers a vital clue. Or maybe it's a TIE Fighter's flight away, but who's counting . . .?

Poe Dameron sat in the hut of the old man. He and his trusty BB-8 droid had tracked the old man to the desert planet of Jakku, which was rather out of the way. As the best fighter pilot in all of the Resistance, he had been tasked to find the fabled PUZZLE PIECE that would lead the Resistance to the whereabouts of Luke Skywalker . . . rumored to be somewhere near the Castle Agh, or at least in that vicinity . . . maybe a TIE Fighter's flight away . . .?

(NOTE: The inexpensive writer of this plot regrets to inform you once again that he has been sacked. Yet another writer has been hired on to write the rest.)

"Old man, where does he live?" Poe asked.

The old man just cackled. "The enchanter knows of a cave, a cave no man has ever entered and lived to tell the tale."

"But where does this enchanter live? Old man, where does he live?" Poe asked in an agitated manner.

"Seek you the Bridge of Death," the old man said.

"The Bridge of Death?" Poe asked.

"A Bridge no man has ever crossed and survived," the old man said, cackling all the way.

"But the Puzzle Piece, it is there?" Poe asked.

All the old man did was laugh again in that same sandpaper tone. It really was getting annoying.

Then the tent that Poe had been sitting in moments before disappeared into the ether, leaving Poe and BB-8 out in the dunes of Jakku. Yet, when Poe looked at his feet, a small brown object was sitting there. He picked it up. "I think we've found our puzzle piece," he commented to the droid, which beeped and whirred in delight at this marvelous change in fortune.

---

"You know where the puzzle piece is. Where is the droid? Old man!" Kylo Ren, fully masked, demanded of Poe as the pilot was in the torture chair. He had brought the pilot in for questioning, and because he knew he could break the man using The Force. Somehow or another, he would get the answers he was looking for.

"Man!"

"Sorry, but from behind, you looked a little . . ."

"I'm 37, I'm not old!" Poe said.

"What?" Kylo asked, confused. "Look, I'm sorry about the old man thing . . ."

"You could have at least said 'Poe'."

"I didn't know you were called 'Poe!" Kylo complained.

"Well you didn't bother to find out, did you?"

"I do what I want."

"What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior!" Poe snapped.

"Well I am a leader of the First Order . . ."

"Oh, a leader, very nice, eh? And how'd you get that, eh? By exploiting the galaxy, by enslaving the workers, and hanging on to outdated Imperialist dogma. If there's ever going to be any progress . . ."

"Oh, there's some lovely armor polish over here!" a stormtrooper exclaimed. They then stopped and looked at the two bickering men. "Oh, how do you do?"

"How do you do, good stormtrooper?" Kylo asked. "Tell me, who lives in that fortress over there?" He pointed to a map on the wall.

"No one does?"

"Then who is your Lord?"

"We don't have a Lord."

"What?" Kylo asked, now very confused.

"I told you, we live in a utopian commune, where we elect leaders by the week. And any decisions made by that leader have to be passed by a two-thirds majority for simply internal affairs . . ."

"Yes I see," Kylo said angrily.

"But a three-fourths majority in serious state affairs . . ."

"Shut up!"

"But the governing body is elected at bi-weekly meetings, so that eliminates unnecessary bias . . ."

"Will you shut up? I order you to shut up!" Kylo screamed.

"Order? Who does he think he is?" the stormtrooper asked.

"I am your Lord Kylo Ren," Kylo said.

"Well I didn't vote for you!" the stormtrooper said.

"You don't vote for Sith Lords," Kylo said.

"Then how did you become Lord, then?"

"The giant hologrammed Andy Serkis came from down high and proclaimed that I, Kylo Ren, was to be Lord of the First Order. There was an elaborate ceremony, too, with JJ Abrams throwing a lightsaber at me . . . come to think of it, I still haven't gotten that wound looked at yet . . ."

"Look, strange directors throwing laser swords around is no basis for a system of government," Poe interjected. "Supreme power lies in the hands of the masses, not in some cutting-room ceremony!"

"Shut up!" Kylo said. He grabbed Poe and ripped the man out of his torture seat, proceeding to shake him violently.

"Help, help! I'm being repressed!" Poe yelled to anyone who would listen.

"Bloody peasant!" Kylo yelled as he let Poe go and stormed away.

"Peasant? Really? You saw him repressing me, didn't you?" Poe asked the stormtroopers who had watched the whole thing.

---

Finn charged into the cantina, brandishing his blaster the whole time. In a blood rush, he mowed down several cantina patrons as he ran headlong through the cantina. With all sorts of fake blood staining the clothing of the patrons, Finn rushed through the scene until he got to the bar. At this point, he got down on one knee. "I am big-time Sir Finn of the Resistance . . . oh, I'm terribly sorry . . .” What he saw he hadn't exactly expected.

"You got my note!" Maz Kanata said excitedly.

"Well, I got a note," Finn commented, rather subdued.

"You've come to rescue me!" Maz replied.

"Well I wouldn't say that," Finn commented, scratching his head.

"Come, Sir Finn, it's time to escape from this strange stone fortress out in the middle of a forest!" Maz said. "We must hurry!"

"Hold it! Who are you?" asked one of the patrons.

"This is Sir Finn! He's come to rescue me!"

"I wouldn't say that," Finn commented.

"You killed eight cantina guests in all!" the patron said angrily.

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry," Finn said. "You see, I was riding north from Jakku, and I got this note . . ."

"Jakku? Are you from . . . Jakku? Good bantha country, I hear. Nice place, love to go back."

"Why does everyone keep wanting to go back there?" Finn asked. This was the third time someone had wanted to return to the waste planet he had visited exactly once.

"I am ready!" Maz exclaimed. She had climbed to the top of one of the spires in the cantina and was ready to leap down. The patron just cut the rope and acted like nothing had happened.

---

The transparisteel rabbit was hoisted into position by the Millennium Falcon. The plan was to land it right at the front door to Starkiller Base. When the First Order realized it was there, just sitting like an impatient visitor, hopefully they would take it inside. From there, the plan would go to Phase 2, which would usually be a minor miracle given how most plans never made it to a second step.

With the rabbit in place at the front door, the Falcon landed not too far away, trying to stay low to remain hidden from First Order sensors. With the ship having landed, the crew disembarked and then hid behind a snow drift as they watched and waited.

It wasn't long before a few snowtroopers appeared in the doorway. Their communicators made it hard to decipher what they were saying until one finally said, "Let's go!", almost in a whisper. With that, they pushed the rabbit into the fortress and closed the door behind them.

"What happens next?" Han asked.

"Well, come nightfall, BB-8, Chewbacca, and I will leap out of the rabbit, catching the First Order confused and surprised. We will then have no problem storming the base, and finding Rey . . ." Finn said.

"What, who, who, and who?"

"BB-8, Chewie, and I. We will leap out of the rabbit, and . . ." Finn began, but he was quickly stopped when he realized what he was saying. Han just groaned and slapped a palm to his face. "Um . . . maybe we could build a large steel badger . . ." Finn offered. Han smacked Finn on the arm, enough to tell him to shut up.

Then, using the rays of the sun and the giant laser being charged to destroy the Resistance's base, the small party could see a large object being thrown over the side of the base.

"RUN AWAY!" Han yelled. That hadn't been part of the plan.

---

As Han and Chewie placed all the thermal detonators onboard Starkiller Base, Han looked at the giant chasm in front of him. "Look, Chewie, it's the Bridge of Death," he said to the Wookiee. "And look, it's definitely NOT the Old Man from Scene 24!" They could see Kylo Ren standing on a small catwalk that extended over the giant void in front of them.

"What happens now?" Chewie asked.

"The bridge keeper will ask us five questions . . ."

"Three," Finn said over the comlink, which chirped to life.

"Three questions," Han corrected himself. "You need to answer the five questions . . ."

"Three," Finn said again.

"Three questions correctly to cross in safety."


"What if you get a question wrong?" Chewie inquired.

"Then you shall be cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril," Han said, looking down into the divide and its endless depths. "So you go first."

Chewie swore as he went out to meet Kylo Ren at the catwalk.

"Stop!" Kylo yelled. "Anyone trying to pass must answer these questions three, and the other side he sees."

"Ask me the questions, bridge keeper. I'm not afraid," Chewie said.

"What? I'm sorry, I can't understand you," Kylo.

"He told you to ask him the questions!" Han yelled.

"What is your name?"

"Chewbacca of Kashyyyk."

"What is your quest?"

"To blow up Starkiller Base."

"What is your favorite color?"

"Blue."

"Alright, off you go, then," Kylo said.

"Why thank you," Chewie said before passing.

"That's easy!" Han said. He ran out onto the catwalk.

"Stop! You must answer me these questions three, and the other side ye see."

"Ask me the questions, son, I'm not afraid," Han said.

"What is your name?"

"Han Solo of Corellia."

"What is your quest?"

"To blow up Starkiller Base."

"What is the capital of Assyria?"

"What, I don't know that," Han said, flustered. Then, with a great rushing of wind, he was knocked off the platform and thrown into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.

---

---

The sounds were unmistakable. Something was up ahead. Rey could sense it through her newfound powers, and Finn could hear something. The mist was closing in all around them, and they could see shapes in the woods. Stress was running high, and the travelers were unsure of what they would run into.

Then they saw a black hooded figure in front of them. They looked up at it.

"Nnnnnnni!" Kylo Ren exclaimed. Several other figures in black in the background said the same thing.

"Who are you?" Rey asked.

"We are the Knights of Ren . . . er . . . Ni!" Kylo said.

"No, not the Knights of Ni!" Rey said, cringing a little.

"The same."

"Who are these?" Finn asked.

"We are the keepers of the sacred words: Ni, Peng, and Ni-Wong!" One of the background figures again said "Ni!"

"Those who meet them seldom live to tell the tale," Rey whispered to Finn.

"The Knights of Ren . . . Ni . . . demand to know what you are doing in our forest."

"We are but simple travelers. We seek to get through . . ."

"Ni!"

"Ah, stop it!" Rey begged, covering her ears. The phrase was too painful to hear repeatedly.

"We shall say Ni to you again if you do not appease us," Kylo said, folding his arms.

"What is it you want?"

"We demand a sacrifice. We want . . . a shrubbery!"

"A what?"

"Ni! Ni!"

"Ah!" Rey exclaimed again in pain. "No more! We will find you a shrubbery!"

"When you return with the shrubbery, put it right there," Kylo said, pointing to a spot on the ground. "Only then can you go through this forest alive."

"Oh Knights of Ni, we shall return with a shrubbery," Rey said.

"It must be a good shrubbery, but not too expensive."

"Of course," Rey said.

"Now, GO!" Kylo stuck his finger out to point the travelers on their way.

---

It had taken a considerable amount of time to procure such an item, especially when there were few travelers to bump into. Even the old woman bashing cats into area rugs was of no help. But Roger the Shrubber had helped them, and they had returned to the forest. When the travelers had returned with their shrubbery, Kylo had a few things to say. "It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly. But, there is one small problem."

"What is that?"

"We are no longer the Knights who Say Ni. We are now the Knights who say 'Ecky-Ecky-Ecky-Pekang-Zoom-pow". And, thus, we must give you a test."

"What kind of test, Knights who until recently said 'Ni'?" Rey asked.

"We want . . . another shrubbery!"

"Not another one!"

"Then you will put that shrubbery down next to this one, so that there's a two-level effect, with a little path running down the middle."

"A path! A path!" the followers said excitedly.

"Ni!" said one more, for no apparent reason.

"We will do no such thing!" Rey complained.

"And then, when you have brought the shrubbery, you shall cut down the tallest tree in the forest wiiiiiith . . . a herring!"

"That can't be done!" Rey said. "It's impossible!"

"Don't say that word!" Kylo said, covering his ears.

"What, is?" Rey asked.

"You can go through a lot in life without saying 'is'," Kylo replied.

"I don't think it's that easy," Finn said.

"Ah, you said it again! No, I said it again! Ah!" Kylo said. All the Knights were also cowering in fear, so the travelers decided to beat a hasty retreat.

---

As Chewie and Rey descended the Falcon down towards Luke Skywalker's supposed hiding location, Rey had to comment. "The Fortress Agh. Our journey is at an end." Chewie voiced his piece.

The two of them left the ship and walked up the steep slope to reach the top of the island in the middle of a vast ocean. Here, they hoped to find the Jedi Master who could help them extinguish the First Order and bring peace and justice to the galaxy once more.

What they found was a little less helpful.

The annoying smuggler that Han had encountered several pages of text earlier was staring at them from the top of the island. "So we minor characters outwit you a second time!"

"How dare you profane this perfect cliffhanger ending!” Rey yelled angrily.

"No chance, English bed-wetting types!" the smuggler taunted. "I taunt you again and call you a silly thing."

"Tell us where Luke Skywalker is!" Rey exclaimed.

Instead, she got dumped on by a bucket load of trash. "By the Abrams and the Glory of the . . ." Another bucket of trash was dumped on her.

"And if you think that was a bad taunting, you ain't seen nothing yet!" the smuggler said.

"Just ignore them," Chewie said to Rey as they walked away.

That had certainly been a waste of time.

 

Mm. Not bad.

I got as far as Poe trying to get information out of the old man.

Well written, well paced, and a decent simulacrum of the Monty Python sketch.

The Han Solo bit was a bit confusing due to the conceit of the stranger knocking on his door, rather than he knocking on the strangers'.

Funniest part was Concorde feeling better than first thought, then trying to accompany Finn; though I am not sure whether to attribute that to you or the Python boys.

Altogether, a great idea there.

 

Are there going to be any killer rabbits?

 

That was a fun read. Very inventive! Adam Driver would love this one, too.