JCC Leaning on Community (Inty is Getting Divorced)

My advice is basically - people will be more supportive and less judgemental of your situation than you will be, so be aware of that. Be aware you'll beat yourself up and they'll mostly just be ok with it; and if that's the case, maybe you don't need to be hard on yourself!

 

I’ve known about this since you said it on Facebook and supported you then. I have been one of those weird online (and sometimes in person at Soccer games!) friends for awhile and adore you like a brother. If you’ve lost my number let me know and I’ll send it again. If you ever need someone to talk to concerning the little ones I’ve been a nanny so I’ve helped raise kids so I can say that I’ve loved your posts about the kiddos and look forward to your updates about them.

Not good with relationships so I can’t help there but always know that I adore you. You have been one of my favorite people on this forum for a long time and I wish I still lived near you so I could do more to help.


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I'm really sorry you're going through a rough patch, Inty! I've never been divorced or the parent of small kids, but I definitely know what it's like to be lonely and isolated. It sucks. The best advice I can offer is to remember that your wee twits aren't going to be so needy forever. Eventually, you'll be able to go out without 300 pounds of baby gear to weigh you down. If you ever need to talk to a (supposed) adult, message me. I can give you contact info if you want to talk to me off the boards, as well.

 

Just keep reminding yourself of this, because it will sting and it will be an echo in your thoughts.

 

So I'm a little confused and I don't mean to pry, but I may be in your boat someday (I hope to never be) but I want to best understand the situation.

You're been married for 14 years to the woman you have called your wife. You have twin girls, but your soon to be ex-wife is not the biological mother. But now you're dating the biological mother of the twins. Was this a surrogate mother situation? Are you the biological father? Are you divorcing partly because she doesn't want to be a mother anymore?

My wife can't have children and while we've been only married for 6 months, adoption may be on the table in the future. Also, we could go down the surrogate path. It's up in the air at this point. She talks more about getting a dog and/or another cat more than anything.

As for divorce, my mother and father separated after 29 years of marriage when I was 24 years old. They say it's easier when you're older and I didn't find that to be true. It didn't make sense and it still doesn't make sense 13 years later. I never saw them fight. They decided to not do counseling, but I think you're doing the right thing by speaking with a third party. I'm a huge proponent of that because it helped me years later when dealing with my own junk. But anyway, both of my parents are remarried and seemingly happy so even if there doesn't appear to be light at the end of the tunnel now, there is, and it sounds like that is what you're moving towards.

Being a father is one job and being a husband is definitely another. Now that you don't have to do the husband job anymore, it sounds like you're being a great dad and when others see that, then new friends will fall into place. I'm sure there will be play dates in the future with other families, you'll connect with them and have a whole new group of friends.

It's crappy when sides are taken, but it always happens, and losing some friends probably hurts just as much as losing your ex-wife. If they don't contact you, then frankly **** them. They're hearing one side from your ex and not understanding the big picture. It takes two to tango and if they don't see both sides, then they're not worth the trouble.

Based on your posts in the Fitness thread, I know you're trying to live your best life and feel good about yourself. Keep doing that as best as you can. When you feel good about yourself your positive attitude will attract others of that same ilk.

 

I have not experienced a divorce, but am a father of 4, so maybe I got something there to help with at some point. Other than that, I will be glad to be a part of the group that supports you.

 

Twin boys.

The plan was to do an "open surrogacy" type situation, raise the kids with two moms and a dad. My ex-wife cannot have children. After the twins were born, some of the conflicts between the two ladies really came to a head, and my ex-wife ended up telling me that she "likes other people's children", "thinks I'm a great dad and meant to be a dad", but that she "doesn't want to be a mom after all". Much better to learn that when the boys are four months old than, well, any older in life.

 

Sorry to confuse the genders.

Same thing happened to my friend Joe and his wife Crystal. They had two children, and when the 2nd one was several months old, she decided she didn't want to be a mother anymore. He got full custody and she gave it to him.

Fast forward to present day, he's happily married to his (new) wife Rachel -- she loves his kids and they love her. They call her mom and their biological mother they call Crystal. Thanks to the support of Rachel and her family, he was able to do something he's always wanted - to join the military. So after some rough times, he's fulfilling his dreams and he has a great support system. Even though yours feels weak now, it will be strong again.

 

Haven't been married, divorced, or a parent so I don't have much experience in this area. I'm sorry for what you're going through, though.

 

I want to second the idea of maybe doing some online pen and paper (screen and keyboard?) gaming. Maybe some folks here could join in. I know I've been wanting to try online tabletop.

Or what about doing a JCC watches movies night, but you get to choose what we watch and talk about? I'd join in!

 

I have another tip. Really solid tip if you ask me. The tip is so good I'm surprised it hasn't come up yet.

I have a recently divorced neighbor. He seemed nurkish at first. Until I met him on the street some day and asked if it was him I could hear playing the guitar when I'm in the garden. Now he comes over for a drink about twice a week, we jam, go to concerts.
On the other side there's a couple with three adorable little daughters who all look up to my slightly older daughter. We don't have drinks, but we happily interact extensively whenever either of us, for whatever reason, needs to dump the kids for a couple of hours.
Across the street lives Laurens, one of my dearest friends, who I met because he knocked on the door to introduce himself. He does that when he moves into a neighborhood.

This is it, man. This is the community. I know we're awesome, but we can't sit on the porch with you or let you have some kid respite. Good contacts with the people directly around you is gratifying every day. There's a couple of ways to establish it, and establish it you can, because in my experience people are generally open to good relations with their neighbors. You can do what I did, and just introduce yourself to someone when you meet them on the street. You can be like Laurens and just ring a doorbell. You can have a barbecue, ask people to join. Even just taking a chair outside and sitting on the pavement in front of your house will do something. Get to it!

 

How about seeing if there is a New Parent support group in your area? It might get you and the twin's mother more childcare experience and a chance to meet other parents.

 

Brilliant advice from Watto, and I second it; learn to play the guitar.

 

To piggyback on the above advice, there is a community page for the town I live in on Facebook. That might be a good place to look for other parents and single parents as well.

 

Yeah, go back to the computer.
I guess if it works, it works, but I'd trust in just being outside. As I type this I see a guy walking his dog and the dog is sniffing another dog's butt. The girl who owns the dog giggles and smiles. The guy's girlfriend throws jealous looks.

 

@SuperWatto - neighbors to build a new community is good advice, and something I've quasi-started. I'm not great at reaching out proactively to new people, I'm an introvert to the core. But, yeah, there's a definite need. And so I need to just make myself do it. The neighbor across the cul-de-sac has an appreciation of craft beer (we shared a beer a week and a half ago) and has a four-year-old (part time) that enjoys playing with the seven year old that stays with us (part time, for now). So that's starting. Probably need to just make myself push it. Push it real good.

 

Watto is wise, because Dutch.

The temptation, I think especially among our kind, is to internalise the situation and try and think through it. Out-manoeuvre any negativity through careful and judicious application of thought. This promotes alone time over social time, and that's the wrong approach. You will need to push yourself out of the comfort zone and into the circles of others. Trust us on this.

 

@DarthIntegral how goes things?

 

Sorry I'm catching up late here @DarthIntegral when you say "open surrogacy" are you saying you got to put your penis in her vagina?

 

At least he didn't put a keylogger on her computer. That is the most egregious offense to a marriage.

 

...I just don't remember who did it.

 

@halibut

Come on down!

http://boards.theforce.net/threads/so-i-put-a-keylogger-on-the-family-pc.30308659/