Beyond - Legends Let the Healing Begin (Possible outcome to Razor Nicks in My Heart)

I would like to thank Lady Padme for giving me permission to write an extension of Razor Nicks in My Heart

Lady Padme wrote a heart-wrenching vignette about a difficult time in Han and Leia's marriage. I was haunted by this and felt compelled to write a possible outcome to this moving story. You would have to read Razor Nicks first in order to make sense of Let the Healing Begin.

This is my first (and probably last) story, but comments are welcome. I don't pretend to be as gifted a writer as Lady Padme, but I couldn't leave my favorite couple in limbo!

I wasn't able to post the entire story in one piece, so I'll try to post in two or three posts.

 

uh...what story? I like the title, so I'm looking.

 

Title: Let the Healing Begin
Characters: H/L AU
Time Period: A few hours after the end of Razor Nicks in My Heart

I don't know what I'm doing wrong, but I wasn't able to get the link, italics or underline functions to work on this post. So, thoughts are in *thought* and instead of underlining, I'll put emphasized words like this <emphasis>. Hope that works out OK...


After one last peek on Jaina, Jacen and Anakin, Han drifted into the living room of their vacation suite. "The kids are finally asleep," he announced. "You'd think that after all that runnin' around today, they would've crashed hours ago." He scanned the room and called, "Leia?" No response. "Talkin' to myself again," he muttered. Leia was nowhere to be found. *Typical*, he thought. *Ah, who am I kiddin'. After what I've done, I don't know how she could stand to be near me at all.*

He looked over at the bar. A drink? Not exactly what he wanted, but what else was there? Two cubes clinked in the glass, and then he poured his Whyren's Reserve. His mind drifted back to the day at the lake. A sip... The images of Leia and the kids brought him back to other times when she would catch his eye and that subtle, seductive smile would slowly appear on her lips. He could almost feel the delight that would shimmer through his body at that sight. Another sip... *How long has it been since we've even looked into each other's eyes?* A gulp... Nope. It didn't work. Nothing worked anymore. Alcohol couldn't ease the loneliness or numb the ache in his heart.

Han sighed and put the empty glass on the bar. "Sithspit," he mumbled. *I know I deserve whatever I get, but, damn, I miss her.* With that thought he poured himself another drink. *I guess Mon Mothma was right. I'm <not> good enough for her.* He swirled the ice in his glass and watched the liquid circle around the spinning center. Reflected back was the image of his world revolving around the remnants of their marriage, spiraling away from him.

 

About the linking: Have you tried spacing..like, twice or something? if ur already sapcing once..it might help.

About the Story: I like it! Keep it up!

 

Post 2

The door swished open as Leia entered the room, her motions clipped and quick. She nodded at the glass in his hand and rumbled, "Humph. Doing what you do best I see."

Han held the glass in the air and retorted, "Glad you appreciate my talents." After taking a swig he asked, "So where were you?"

She dropped her comm unit on the table. "I was speaking with Mon Mothma."

A look of confusion emerged on his face. "She's here?"

Leia rolled her eyes. "Of course not! I commed her from the lounge."

Han studied his drink. "Oh, I see. You didn't want to risk me hearin' it so you had to sneak out to do it."

Leia looked at him in exasperation. "Sneaking out is <your> specialty. Besides, my conversations with Mon Mothma are none of your business."

Han nodded and toasted her. "Touche!" Another gulp and then a swallow... "And did she say, 'I told you so'?"

Leia tilted her head in annoyance. "About what?"

Han bowed his head and dropped his eyes. "About what a mistake it was to marry me?"

 

Fire burned in Leia's eyes as she pointed a finger at him, her anger rising. "<You're> the one who made the mistake, Mister, not <me>!" The hostility flew from her mouth and hit him head on. If words were knives, Han would have been dead.

He held the glass tighter and considered throwing it against the wall, but he knew he had no right to do that. No right, really, to get angry, but there was no stemming its surge. He slammed the glass on the bar and watched it shatter. "I know, Leia! I know! I made the <biggest> mistake of my life. How long are you going to make me pay for it? How long are we going to have to live in this... this hell!?"

Leia stepped menacingly up to him, looked him straight in the eye and placed her hands on his chest. With a hard shove she spat out, "As long as it takes for me to forget what you did." She spun and strode across the room. As Han regained his balance, he watched her walk away from him. Keeping his tone even, he grimaced, "So... This is the way it's going to be... forever... isn't it."
Post 3

She turned abruptly, her arms flailing in anger. "What do you want from me, Han?! Do you want me to say, 'Oh, it's ok, Honey. Cheat on me anytime. I don't mind.'" Her face was red with rage. She narrowed her eyes and spoke through pursed lips as she took a step with each cutting remark. "You <hurt> me, Han. You hurt me more than I <ever> thought possible. <You're> the one who decided to throw our marriage away!" She stopped inches away from him.

Han looked down at her, his guilt fighting to overcome the anger, but his simmering madness got the best of him. The furious words tumbled out of his mouth. "Our marriage was already <gone>, Leia. You were never there! You had no time for me. You barely had time for the kids, let alone me. When you were home, you were too tired, or too busy or too <whatever> to touch me. We haven't made love for one year and s

ix months. That's <six months> before it even happened!"

 

Han and Leia fighting doesn't put me in a good mood.

 

Post 4

Leia's enraged eyes widened in disbelief. She wanted to pummel him against the wall or Force choke the life out of him. Sarcasm shaped her words. "Oh, so now it's <my> fault! Poor little Han didn't get enough attention, so he had to go and find someone <else> to love him."

Han winced and shook his head, seething. "I never said it was your fault, Leia. I <know> I'm responsible. And it was <never> about love. It was <you> I wanted, not her. I <always> wanted you, but <you> <weren't> <there>." He grabbed her upper arms. "I tried everything I could think of to get through to you, but..." Letting her go, he closed his eyes in despair. "Ah, Sith. We've been through all this before." His eyes searched hers. "I wish I could erase what happened, but I can't."

Leia folded her arms and responded with disdain. "No you can't. And after everything I've been through in my life, all the deaths, all the losses, all the heartache. You <still> chose to betray me." She paused to let the words sink into his brain. "What were you thinking, Han? 'Oh, no problem. Leia's strong. Leia can deal with it. She'll be ok.'" Jabbing a finger into his chest for emphasis, she added, "Well, <Leia> <can't> <deal> with it."

Han gazed into her glaring brown eyes and saw, yet again, what he had done to her. He felt the anger leave him in a long slow breath. They could continue to rant and rave, or he could end this session by playing the penitent husband and apologizing as he had done in the past, but it was getting them nowhere. He couldn't do this anymore. If their marriage was to have any chance at all, they needed to get out of this black hole that was devouring them. Their relationship had to change, or they would destroy each other, piece by piece.

 

Post 5

His mind searched for answers, but found none. He couldn't undo the past, and he had no idea what the future should be. He wrapped both hands around her fingers, felt her pull away, but held on firmly. His eyes boring into hers, he pleaded, "So what are we doing here, Leia? Why are you still with me?"

Leia froze for a moment, not knowing how to reply. His question echoed in her mind. *What <are> we doing here together?* She saw the sincerity in the depths of his hazel eyes, his feelings plainly there for her to see: guilt, remorse, grief... love... Her anger ebbed as tears trickled down her cheeks. She dropped her eyes and stammered, "I... I don't know... maybe... maybe it's for the kids... maybe it's habit."

Han threw his head back and sighed, "Habit... Hmmm... You deserve a lot more than <that>, Sweetheart." He led her to the sofa, sat her down and slid in beside her. He squeezed her hand, not sure how to begin. "Leia." He brushed her fingers with his own. "I know... I know there's nothing I can say to make it right again. I can tell you that I love you. I can tell you that I'll never cheat on you again... But you and I both know that it won't be enough."

Leia tugged her hand out of his grip. "No, it won't be enough. I can never trust you again, Han. It just hurts too much. It hurts too much to be with you." She squeezed her eyes shut in an attempt to stem the tears. She admonished herself for being so vulnerable in front of him.

He reached his arm out to encircle her shoulders, to comfort her, but she shrugged him away, saying, "Don't." He looked up at the ceiling, tears stinging his own eyes, as his mind finally grasped what he had to do. His voice escaped him for a moment as he gathered the courage to speak again. "I know, Leia. I can see how much it hurts you. Every time I touch you, every time I look into your eyes, I feel it. I can't... I can't <do> this to you anymore." Again he took her hand, gently this time, studied it as he cocked his head and wrinkled his brow. "Maybe," his voice cracked with emotion, "maybe it would be better if I just... disappear." He swallowed and the next words choked from his throat. "Just say the word, Leia, and I'll leave."

 

Post 6

The air in the room stopped moving. She couldn't breathe, couldn't hear, couldn't see. Her eyes glazed over as she heard his words. *Leave.* He could leave her, and she wouldn't be reminded every day of what he had done to her. Wouldn't feel the pain in her heart when he touched her. Wouldn't see the grief in his eyes when he looked at her. The words were out of her mouth before she knew what she was saying. "No! No. I can't lose you." She was bewildered by the desperation she felt. *Wouldn't it be better if he were gone? Wouldn't that stop the pain?*

Han hadn't realized that he had been holding his breath, waiting for her response. He thought his heart would stop when she blurted out, "No!" He dropped her hand and let out a frustrated sigh, swiping at his eyes to brush away the tears. "Then I don't know what else to do, Leia. I want to be able to love you again, but I don't know how. Just tell me. Tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it."

Leia shrunk into herself. She hugged her knees to her chest and shivered. Bowing her head, she whispered in a small voice, "I just want it all to go away. I want us to be like we were before. I want to feel loved again." Han barely heard her and wasn't sure if she was talking to him or to herself. A sob escaped his throat as he wrapped his arms around her. He bent his head against hers and drew her into his embrace. Their tears flowed freely and openly, washing away the pain, the anger, the fear, the loneliness.

 

Final Post

They remained together until a calm settled over them. Leia finally raised her head and turned to face him. For the first time she was able to think about what he had done and actually hold his gaze without wanting to hurt him. Han let her spirit in, consciously shedding his guilt, so she could see through his eyes into the depths of his soul.

What she found was both terrifying and comforting. The dark side and the light side lay intertwined, and in its center stood a piece of herself, entrapped yet embraced. She sensed that the same image resided in her own soul centered with a piece of Han, holding court with her heart. The aura reached out and engulfed her spirit. Emblazing this image on her heart, she slowly receded from him.

Spent and exhausted, Leia closed her eyes, stretched her limbs and leaned back into the cushions. "So, where do we go from here?" she murmured. Han caressed her cheek and offered, "I don't know... I can't make it go away, Leia, but I think I can make you feel loved again... if you let me."

Leia gazed at his face. *Love. That's all we both really want, but...* "How can I trust you?"

"You can't. I have to earn it back. And I will, parsec by parsec."

"I still can't forget or forgive you."

Han looked down and smirked, "Hey, I'm not askin' you to. I'll never forgive <myself>." A sparkle shone from his eyes. "Besides, you know nerfherders. We learn things the hard way."

A slight smile curved on her lips as Leia traced his scar that had always entranced her. "We'll never be the same," she lamented.

"I know. We'll be different," he replied as her hand moved to touch the back of his neck. She pulled him towards her as he continued, "But at least we can still be..." She placed a gentle kiss on his lips, and a tilted smile slid up his face. He held her eyes as he bent down to meet her lips once more. This time they allowed themselves to savor the moment and melt in its passion.

They couldn't change the past, but with the bond of their love and their souls, they could, perhaps, embrace the future. Heart to heart, soul to soul, let the healing begin.

The End



I don't want to give the impression that dealing with this issue is easy. I do want to offer hope, however, because it is possible to deal with it and move on. They will never forget, but need to forgive each other and themselves. This will take a long time and a lot of work on both their parts, but it can happen if they want to return to a deep and meaningful relationship.

Lady Padme, I hope I did your story justice. Thanks, again, for letting me borrow your story.

Thanks to everyone for reading.

Chewie-fan

 

Courtney, you are quick!

I guess I needed to read all of the directions on how to post a story before I went for it. Reading directions is not my forte...

I hope my ending put you in a better mood, but thanks for reading and replying so fast. Long live the H/L ship!

 

Chewie-Fan: I think you have done a respectable job with a very difficult issue. While most of us would agree that what Han did was inexcusable, if Leia still didn't want him to leave, then hashing things out, like they did in your story, was the only logical option. Their relationship will never be the same, but if they are both truly dedicated to making things work again, their new relationship might have a lot better communication. A good piece of writing.

Thank you, LadyPadme, for allowing Chewie-Fan to write a possible outcome for your story.

 

Very good job. It is a difficult issue. You wrote it very well. I do hope you continue to write.

 

Solo_Fan Thanks for the comment. Like any other couple, Han and Leia had three options: divorce, continue to live with anger, etc. or move on. I always thought it was best to try to work on the marriage and move on, especially when children are involved.

I read the results of some research that was done regarding troubled marriages and the individuals who chose to stay together were happier that those who divorced. (After much counseling, that is...) The key really is forgiveness.

Fels Goddess Thanks for the encouragement. So far, I've only written when I've been inspired. I have to thank my sister, who teaches reading and language arts in a middle school, for being my beta. She was an excellent editor. Maybe I'll try some of those writing challenges and see how it goes.

 

Very good realism in the mutual pain they go through and how they tear each other up loving at cross purposes. It's different from how I envisioned a sequel to RN to be, but I think you did a good job tackling a very painful and sensitive topic. Thank you for writing it and sharing

Edit: BTW, to make the links work, you need to have the whole address, including "http://".

 

Very nice story. I could see only two outcomes to LP's excellently written and mighty depressing tale. Leia and Han would divorce, or they would slowly work to heal their very wounded (but not dead) marriage. I'm glad you picked the better option.

 

Lady Padme: Thanks again for the inspiration. I tried to have it flow from your story, but I know I took some liberties with it when I added the "one year and six months" line.

Your line of "loving at cross purposes" is so true. In reality, they both want the same thing, but all those negative emotions, anger, guilt, etc., are overwhelming them and they can't see that, if they both want to stay together, they need to learn to love each other again with the same purpose. They can't do that until all those negative emotions are dealt with so they can let them go. That takes a long time (and counseling). As long as they still love each other, there is hope for the marriage. I was glad to see that both were still hanging onto that hope in RN.


Great One: I wanted to stay true to the story and characters. Lady Padme had Han and Leia revert back to hiding their emotions in order to protect themselves, but the anger would spill out without warning. This was so realistic.

Han was the one who initiated the actions that moved their relationship to the next level in ESB, and, once Leia decided to let her guard down, she followed him. Also, since he was the one who was the transgressor, he had to be willing to do whatever she needed in order to heal. So, I thought he had to be the one to lead them onto the healing process. I also felt that they needed to break down and cry together, then they could start working towards their goal of loving each other again.

I agree that they either had to divorce or work on it. I really had no choice in writing my outcome to the story. Hey, this is Han and Leia. They have to stay together!

 

wow. that was awesome chewie-fan. i hate the thought of han cheating on her and it took me a minute to wrap my mind around the idea when i read 'razor nicks' but you dealt with the issue well.
"Well, <Leia> <can't> <deal> with it."
i love that line because i've been waiting to hear something like that from her for a while now...


-mia-

 

Nice job, Chewie-Fan. I think you delt with the topic very well and wrote a very realistic story. Keep on writing!

 

American Tradegy: Thanks. I really enjoyed writing that line. Maybe I can even write it using the proper format: Leia can't deal with it. I think I did it!

Cheersweetie27: Thanks for reading. I was a bit scared to write a follow up to a Lady Padme (another thanks to her generosity) story, so I'm glad it seemed to work well. I might have caught the writing bug, since I submitted an entry in the the disabilities challenge on the Beyond the Saga board. I have a long way to go, though, to be in the same league as some of our best writers.

To Everyone: I'm encouraging everyone to read up on the Disabilities Challenge threads. The stories are all sensitive and well written on the Beyond the Saga board. I'm going to check out the rest of them on the other boards. (Please excuse my plug for that particular challenge, but anything that enhances our understanding of others is worth it.)