JCC Let's write a Best Man speech

My brother is getting married on Saturday and I'm his best man. He's kind of a jerk and I hate him so I thought you guys might do a better job of writing my toast than I have been doing so far myself.

So far my opening is about how he clearly loves his new wife more than he loves robots and burritos, but I can't think of anything else to say after that.

 

Are you drunk or sober?

 

Did you think about drawing a new issue of the Tim and Ross comic in which they feature, in lieu of a speech?

 

I will probably be sober, I believe it will still be early.

 

Then ya gotta go sweet, sincere, and quick.

 

No. Write your own damn speech.

 

So you're thinking along the lines of the speech from Festen then?

 

I gave a 5 star Best Man speech at my friend's wedding.

I hope that helps.

 

Here's a few lines you can use as a crowd pleaser. I have used them, so I know they work.

"A good wedding speech is a lot like a short skirt. It's long enough to cover the essentials, but short enough to hold your attention."
"Realising I had no idea what to say in a speech, I turned to the internet. But, after five hours of cat videos on YouTube I was no closer to my goal"
"It is often said that people marry for love. Sometimes for money. I say this because my brother and his wife have clearly found a third reason."

Use these and you'll be fine, I promise.

 

"and in the words of the recently departed Robin Williams..."

Then just read one of his improvised monologues.

 

I would give you some advice but I don't have any.

 

Just make sure you're plastered when you do it, and don't forget to say something very sexual about the bride's body.

 

She's hideous. She looks like Fiona from Shrek.

 

Say that you hope she stops being an Ogre at dawn, then.

 

Don't take OZK's advice regardless of the bride's appearance. I do advise you to drink champagne before, during, and after your toast, however. It's got nothing to do with your toast, champagne is just awesome.

 

Since maybe like the Middle Ages, there have been many
differing opinions on hustle and bustle. This cannot be
denied. It is my intention to sit down and play video games
for several hours.
First, moving around quickly, and with purpose, is a
true sign of character. Secondarily, bustle(e.g. hustle)
yields more product for the working types. "Hustle and bustle
are like my right and left arms," said Li'l Spicy in his famous
"Hustle and Bustle Are Like My Right and Left Arms" speech.
Webster's defines bustle as "excited and often noisy activity;
a stir." A stir, indeed. Finally, sometimes gross stuff can
be funny.
In conclusion, I, "The Yellow Dart," think I have done a
great job illustrating the many differing opinions about hustle
and bustle, may they both rest in peace. Also, I think Strong
Bad should decrease The Cheat's allowance.​

​

 

"Traditional wedding conventions don't make much sense outside of A Song of Ice and Fire [pop culture reference!] after 1450..." And then sit down.

 

This is why nobody invites you to things. HAVE SOME FUN EVEN PLEASE WE WORRY ABOUT YOU AND YOUR BLACK LITTLE HEART. NO, THAT IS NOT A RACIST COMMENT ABOUT AFRICAN-AMERICANS HAVING SMALL HEARTS PLEASE CURB THE OUTRAGE.

 

Just pull a "Hey, everybody! Look over there!" and then run for the door.

 

"When ____ initially asked me to give a speech, I didn't think I could do it." And then sit down.

 

Just object during the ceremony so you can get out of having to give the speech at the reception. If asked for a reason then just say she's cheating and you're saving your brother some trouble, or something.

That's the most help you'll get from me on this. I won't let you plagarize a speech from me.

 

May your wedding have as long a life as a stick of dynamite in a fireworks shop.