JCC Let's write a Best Man speech

Another crowd pleaser is to do this:

"Ladies and gentlemen, the motion tonight is that "Marriage Is Not An Outdated Institution". Now, personally I'm offended by the farcical attempts of the Affirmative to defend this ludicrous notion and I will..."

Then you touch your ear, and frown as if concentrating.

After 2 seconds, furrow your brow and say "WHAT?" loudly into your lapel as you turn away from the crowd. A second later turn back to the crowd and look mortified.

Look down at your speech. Back up at the crowd. Eyes go wide.

Back down. Leaf through a few pages, then back a few pages, then back to where your wedding speech starts.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I have just been informed that this is in fact not the <REGION> regional debate championships. I apologise for the confusion..."

Continue with wedding speech.

Given a wedding is full of older audience members and penis jokes aren't the crowd pleasers they are at work/school/church/daycare, this will be considered the pinnacle of wit and you, the most whimsical man they know.

 

Make a joke about how you weren't really sure what a speech was, so you looked it up on dictionary.com (Not in a real dictionary, that lacks the slight neo-Luddist bite). Then explain that you found the definition lacking - spend the next four hours discussing semiotics.

 

What is he, wannasee?

 

I'm just saying that'd probably be the only best man speech I wouldn't completely tune out.

 

Sure but the rest of the room would be asleep, dead from self-inflicted wounds, or constructing elaborate forts from the sugar and butter on the table whilst you sit rapt with attention.

 

Acceptable casualties.

 

You know those pencil sharpeners which are also catapaults? If you're going to have a speech like the one you propose, guests should be given the option of testing their fort's integrity against neighbouring tribes tables.

Ross, I would caution against quoting all five hours of this speech, but you should always end quoting Castro with:

"Condemn me. It does not matter. History will absolve me."

 

Host a miniature death match tournament with some of the more colorful guests. Make sure to pit relatives of the bride against other bridely relatives; same for relatives of the groom. For fights with passion and the kind of ultra violence we're looking for, it's best not to pair complete strangers, but rather people who already know and hate each other very much. Oh, and alcohol helps, so make sure to go last and let all other speakers go first so by the time it's your turn, everybody will be and good and inebriated from a litany of "Cheers!" May the bride and groom enjoy many, many years of happy marriage before he gets bored of her and looks twice at a secretary and before she gets rudely bumped into by menopause. Tata!

 

Is there not some nonsensical customary order to these things? It seems like every facet of these rituals is steeped in garbage traditions, would they really let speaking be a free-for-all?

 

Why don't you go ponder it aloud for four hours?

 

Why are you best man, Rossl? Doesn't your brother have actual friends?

 

"Your grace, I feel I've been remiss in my duties. I've given you meat and wine and music, but I haven’t shown you the hospitality you deserve. My brother has married and I owe my new sister-in-law a wedding gift"

 

I'm told that Ross gave his best man speech last night. I demand that Ross update and post what he said in his speech!

 

No, he got the jar open, he just couldn't figure out what to use to spread it on bread.

http://boards.theforce.net/threads/i-dont-have-a-knife.25381311/

Edit: Unless getting it open was another matter that preceded the knife issue.

 

So I nailed it.

The maid of honor gave a speech before me, she walked up and was all "I'm super low tech so I printed out my speech on paper" It was like three pages, I knew the audience would be primed for me.

She closes, people clap. I walk up, pull out my Samsung Galaxy S4, "I'm NOT low tech so I will be syncing my speech down from the cloud" Laughter all around and now I'm clear to just read the damn thing instead of going from memory.

"You may not be aware but the Groom has a favorite type of poetry, and in honor of this I will be reciting a few haiku"

Crowd breaks out in hysterics, they know the Groom is not cultured enough to enjoy poetry.

I drop my first haiku, loud applause everywhere because its so thoughtful and poetic and junk.

"Hold on guys, I've still got two more of these"

I drop my next two haiku, crowd goes into hysterics. The haiku are hilarious and referential to the couple messing up their vows earlier in the ceremony. Referential humor is best kind of humor.

"But seriously folks..." launch into lighthearted roast of the groom, pointing out all the weird things he's gotten into and tried to teach us about over the years. List of these things is long and bizarre, much laughter.

Remind everyone that he literally does not stop talking about these things for months after he gets into them.

Contrast this behavior with when he met the bride, he was all timid and junk, trying not to talk about her to us too much, worried we won't like her and whatnot. I make this sound endearing. There are tears, few "awwws", some people overwhelmed with the feels.

I welcome bride to my family, say that we were all 100% behind this one from the get go he never needed to be so worried about us liking her. Tell everyone to raise their glass to drink to bride, groom, everything that brought them together.

Everyone is all cheers, crowd is in an uproar of joy. Wait for everything to die down. Remind everyone to applaud my great speech. Exit stage right.

 

That reads like you didn't give a four hour lecture on semiotics. Blech.

 

This is a good speech.

 

ross you are the worst man

 

You can tell he did not. There's no ambiguity. To wit:

"Everyone is all cheers, crowd is in an uproar of joy. Wait for everything to die down. Remind everyone to applaud my great speech. Exit stage right."

 

I'm glad you finally nailed something, Rossl.