Before - Legends Letters of Complaint (humor, first one up is Obi, updated 11/05/06, Yaddle's lament)

Well, I was looking over my old series of character complaints, and figured I would make one for ff instead of cannon this time around.

No, I'm not bashing torture, you know me! I'm a thriving Obi torturer myself! I just figured Obi wouldn't like it much, heh.

If ya like this, I might consider doing other chars as well. Enjoy. Maybe my humor will improve someday...
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Letters of Complaint


Dear Fanfic Writers,

I?m sure you?re well aware of who this is, as currently I?m dripping blood on the paper, so it must be obvious. If you do not know, then either you are not one of the many I wish to speak with, or for some other weird reason you don?t recognize the description.

Yes, it is I, Obi-wan Kenobi, and I am writing this letter in complaint. One question first, have you people any heart?!

Sorry, anyways, I wish to say this. I do not appreciate waking up every morning to the terror of yet another day of ?kidnap and torture poor Obi.? It gets annoying. Or the, ?oh, lets put Obi through emotional damage,? that?s always fun. Still trying to figure out how the Temple pays for all the medical and psychiatrist bills they have to pay for on my behalf?. But truly people, what is it about me that you like to torture so much?! I?m just a simple Jedi Padawan, with a simple, if stubborn and hardheaded, Master. I did not come up to you lot and ask for this, now did I?! So what is with that?!

I mean, look at what Lucas has set up for me in the future! Can?t you have some sympathy for the poor lil Pad who is going to have to raise the brat, lose his dear Master, and then get killed by said Sith brat? I mean, truly! I?ve already have a sithly life waiting for me, do I need more trouble? NO!

Oh, and another thing. My Master is not the evil, sithly person a lot of you make him out to be. He really can be nice and fatherly when he wants to be, and he always tries to talk me out of taking my lightsaber to the bunch of you. I think you owe him something for just that, but nooo, either you make him up to be cold, unfeeling, or dead. Amusing people, very amusing. Why does he want to save the lot of you? I have no clue?

But, back to me. What is the deal? Sure, I?m cute, soon to be totally hot, Jedi, but does that qualify for sixty thousand beatings per day?! And some of the things a few of you have thought up, shudders, how did you come up with those?! Twisted, people, very twisted!

Now, I wouldn?t mind the popularity so much, if I didn?t have to endure massive pain for it. All I ask is that you people would please leave me, my braid, and my Master alone, or give me a rest! Go pick on Bruck or Xanatos. Xanatos is almost as good looking as I am. Go beat him up! Or Master Yoda, he barely gets any attention. Or Macey, I mean, Master Windu, he gets no attention! But lets just give this lil ole Pad a rest once in a while, maybe a few days out of the week? How about a few nice, easy fics, where all I do is sleep and relax, without recovering from some illness or injury? Please?!

Thank you for listen,

Jedi Padawan Obi-wan Kenobi

 

That was great, Master! I loved every line of it!! But, back to me. What is the deal? Sure, I?m cute, soon to be totally hot, Jedi, but does that qualify for sixty thousand beatings per day?! And some of the things a few of you have thought up, shudders, how did you come up with those?! Twisted, people, very twisted

That is way too funny! I can actually imagine Obi sitting down one day, and actually writing this! Can you please do another character? I suggest Qui. Wonderful job once again, Master!

 

LOL!! That was very good! Poor Obi-Wan!!!

 

HAHAH! Great idea, Star! And very funny. Poor Obi...will he ever get a break?


Obi

 

Great show Neon!! LOL!!!

Ah Obi, all of us know that you will NEVER get a break. We'd be scrap for ideas lol

More more more!!

 

*cracks up*

Oh, that was great! Do more!

 

That was great, I have always called my workstation the complaint department, we never close. Never listen either. Good letter.

 

ROTFL! Looking forward to the next letter of complaint!

 

LOL! That is hysterical!
Macey! LOL!

 

This was really funny. I'd love if you would do more characters....could you do Han or Leia? I know that it's on the Before the Sage board but....could you anyway? Oh, any main character would do....

 

Nice Neon Star!!!

This is the first of your fics I've read and I like it!!!!


A whining Luke would be funny....

 

Padawan: Heh, you read my mind, dear Pad, can't have Obi without Qui after all. And thank you, perhaps my humor isn't as horrible as I thought.

KSkywalker: I'll agree with that! Obi gets such a hard time, its really not fair, yet so fun.

OTK: Thanks! If you think its funny, then I must be doing something right. And naw, you know he won't.

Arwen-Jade_Kenobi: Thanks! And so very very true. We can't aford to give Obi a break.

female_obi_wan: Thanks! And here's more.

Altaira: LOL! Thanks.

Sabe126: Thank you! Here it is.

ForceAchtungBaby: Thanks! And of course, Mace's annoyingest nickname.

dianethx: Thank you. I'm considering doing a seperate one for the Saga/After Saga too, like I did for my orginal series. So you'll probably see a thread for that over there soon.

C3SoloP0: Hi! Glad you do!




Will take suggestion on who to do next. Enjoy!


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Dear fanfic writers,

My apprentice has informed that he has written you, and I have decided to write to you myself. I do agree with everything he has mentioned, and have a few concerns myself.

To start off, lets discuss my apprentice, your torture toy. The boy can?t leave his room now without putting on full body armor under his robe, make sure his locator is working and updating his will, though I don?t know why. The armor doesn?t help, the locator, thought its supposedly not suppose to, malfunctions for some reason every time he is kidnapped, and he should know by now that everything he owns goes to me, plus you people will resurrect him in an hour or less if you kill him. But whatever gives him comfort.

Lets talk about that. May I please ask you kindly to leave him alone long enough that I can train him? I don?t want him to be a Padawan at forty and neither do you. Please, I don?t want to be the first Master to have a Padawan die of old age before he can be a knight!

As it is, I seriously doubt you will have mercy on the poor boy, so lets move on to me. I am starting to doubt not letting my Padawan cleave the lot of you into pieces, except for the fact that there is a rumor that fanfic authors are impossible to kill? What I wish to discuss, is why you believe me to be so cruel, cold hearted, insensitive to my own apprentice? Have I done anything to deserve that? Have I abused the boy in any way? For Force?s sake, I treat him like my own son! And that chosen one, train him line is not my fault! I did not go up to Lucas and get on my knees to beg him to make me a cold-hearted person who dumps their apprentice and dies! I told him not to do it, but noooo, he wanted angst!

Oh, and I warn you all, stay off my childhood. I know you are few, but there are some of you, and I would appreciate not being beaten like my apprentice at such an age. I had enough trouble with ?I?m not old, I?m nicely aged and sexy!? Dooku, thank you.

By the way, what is your obsession with killing me? Do you people truly hate me that much? I know I?m scheduled to die, but do we really need to speed up the process? I?m not so bad that I need to die just so my Padawan can suffer angst, am I? No, I didn?t think so. So keep you nasty little knives, poisons, lightsabers, torture devices, heart attacks, natural and unnatural diseases, broken hearts, Sith Lords, suicides, and other means of murder away from me!

Ah, and my favorite part. If you don?t make me into a sithly cold-hearted person, or murder me, you turn me to the dark side for some strange reason. What is with you people? I know I?m a rebel, I won?t deny that, but truly, turning to the dark side because my Padawan died, or the Council betrayed me, or some weird thing dealing with Xanatos. I?ll have you know that I am stronger then that. If Xanatos turning didn?t make me go overboard, then Obi-wan?s death/turning won?t either. Yes, I?ll be heart broken to lose another Padawan, but I wouldn?t go so far as to betray my entire Order because of it.

Well, now that I?ve gotten all of that out of my system, I bid you all a farewell. Please consid

 

ROTFL! These two letters are very funny. There's a lot of truth to them, though.... Nicely done; a very creative topic. Thanks for sharing this.

 

Bravo!

I loved that! but I have been reading Krystal-Blaze?s Breathe. And, I have been enjoying hating you. I used to like you.

You were completely cold-hearted to throw ol? Obi-Wan over for that little twit Anakin. Didn?t you see the look in your current padawan?s eye when you said you would train Anakin to the Council.

I will agree, you do care for Obi-Wan but did you really let him know? Too late to say ?sorry?

It is the will of the force.

LOL, that was great.

 

Oh, and I warn you all, stay off my childhood. I know you are few, but there are some of you, and I would appreciate not being beaten like my apprentice at such an age. I had enough trouble with ?I?m not old, I?m nicely aged and sexy!? Dooku, thank you

This is really great, Master! I love it!! Too funny! I'd suggest doing Xanatos next, just so the whole Master and padawans circle will be complete. These are hilarious letters!!

 

HAHAH! Torture toy. But, Qui...Obi's only tortured because we love him! Can't you see that?

Another great letter Neon. Fun idea for a fanfic story!


Obi

 

Ohhhhhhhhh this is to funny!!!!!!!

Well done!!!!!!!!!!!

 

<<Oh, and I warn you all, stay off my childhood.>>

*whistles innocently*

<<What I wish to discuss, is why you believe me to be so cruel, cold hearted, insensitive to my own apprentice? Have I done anything to deserve that?>>

Aww, don't worry! I'll write you as a nice guy, although nice guys get awful things happening to them rather frequently....sorry.



What do you MEAN, these people aren't real and I can't really talk to them? [face_shocked]

This was fantastic! (And oh so true!) Who's next?

 

And that chosen one, train him line is not my fault! I did not go up to Lucas and get on my knees to beg him to make me a cold-hearted person who dumps their apprentice and dies! I told him not to do it, but noooo, he wanted angst! - ROTFL! Bravo! More! More!

 

lmfbo

 

very very funny

 

Still laughing...I kept thinking Go Qui-Gon..you tell 'em.
Loved the part about leaving his childhood alone. Doesn't he realize that just makes the little plot bunnies hop about???

I LOVED the And that chosen one, train him line is not my fault! I did not go up to Lucas and get on my knees to beg him to make me a cold-hearted person who dumps their apprentice and dies! I told him not to do it, but noooo, he wanted angst!

I'll have you know that I was reading this aloud to my 14 year old daughter and had her on the floor laughing!!!

Keep it up. Okay, could you do Yoda next???

 

LOL!! Hehe, I love these letters. I really can't wait for the next one Neon .

Maybe Mace complaining about people having Boba kill him off or not getting enough attention. Or even him whining Skywalker-style to people who write about him and Qui always gettin' in trouble together.

Pretty please don't keep us waitin' too long.

~Kat

 

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!

I loved Qui-GOn's letter....

Obi doesn't leave before updating his will!!HAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

May I please ask you kindly to leave him alone long enough that I can train him? I don?t want him to be a Padawan at forty and neither do you. Please, I don?t want to be the first Master to have a Padawan die of old age before he can be a knight!

ROTFL! Very cool! This thread is just hysterical - you are extremely creative!