Beyond - Legends Letters of Life - Ben Skywalker~ angst/tragedy ~ Letter 5: To Jade (not as sad!) ~ Posted 4/11/16

Very sweet. I missed the letter to Mara, and that was heart-wrenching. Gorgeous emotional impact.

The letter to Luke shows Ben's maturity and how he as come to terms with the trauma of his life. It's interesting that instead of him rejecting the life of a Jedi, he completely embraces it.

My kids remember my parents, but my parents' guidance would have been so helpful to my kids when they were teens. I guess you never stop needing your parents when the relationship is good.

 

a beautiful tribute of a son to his parents. I loved every word of this letter

 

Very touching letters, and I'm sure very cathartic for Ben. Well done.

 

Oh, this is so sad, but so, so good! The fact that Ben perhaps couldn't express himself properly until it was too late, but always with that hope that Luke is still out there in the Force, and may visit. His thanking of Luke as a regular citizen and accepting all that his father did and sacrificed for the galaxy is very poignant - Ben is right that it wasn't always easy being Luke Skywalker's son, and it's so lovely that he's able to appreciate it.

I love his daughter being named Jade!

 

Very beautiful letters, showing not just his emotion but his development over the years. Really nice insight into the character.

 

Aaaah, I'm not crying.

Spoiler

Yes I am.

 

I've had this thread on my list of things to read for... well, forever, and I finally read it tonight.

First reaction:

I loved how you shifted the tone from one letter to the next. In the letter to Jacen, you can feel that this is a youth addressing someone he considers his equal ("I wish I had known that guy, I think maybe we could have had some fun together") to process his anger and pain. As a side note, I really didn't like the FOTJ books, but now I'm tempted to skim through them again because some tidbits in that letter were so pertinent characterisation (e.g. "You didn't actually believe in the dark side anyway, did you?" or "You took a lot and only gave very little. At least that's what it feel like to me.") You really condensed the elements I thought were worth keeping from the books in a few short sentences.

Next, the letter to Mara. Here the tone shifts, but it's clearly written by the same person, the youth who still experiences the child-like need for his mother. I loved the various "don't tell dad" and "don't worry, I'll keep it a secret" bits interspersed among the more serious stuff, the mother-and-son but also the father-and-son complicity that transpires through these lines when a teenager seeks to maintain his persona. I found the sentence "Don't worry, I won't tell anyone about your 'secret' softy side" particularly touching -- Ben is one of only two people who ever got to experience this side of Mara, and it's nice to see her depicted this way for a change.

And last, the latter to Luke. Now the tone is more mature, you can feel that he's grown up since he wrote to Mara, he's his own person without needing to define himself in opposition to his father anymore. But of course, dad is still dad, no matter how old you are, so "Just don't forget to check in on us everyone now and then, okay?"

Now that even I (gasp!) read and reviewed, you have to post the next one!

 

Thank you so much for reading and commenting, everyone!

Thank you, Nyota! I'm glad it was a good tribute to Luke, that's exactly what I was going for!

Thank you so much! That is something I fear, that my future kids won't get to know my parents, who are already in their mid 60's and my father has a degenerative disorder, and I have no children. I knew all but my paternal grandfather and I had a particularly good relationship especially with my maternal grandfather and it's something I hope not only my future kids get, but my parents get as well. I'm sorry your children didn't get to know your parents, but I love that they will know them through you.

Thank you! I'm glad it spoke to you. I too have the fear that my future kids won't know my parents and that my parents won't know those future kids. I think that fear is somewhat where this came from.
My muse tends to bring up the less than rosy side of a lot of things, she likes the angst, I guess.

Thank you! I hoped that the letter to Luke would show how Ben had grown and become more in touch with who he is. You are right, I don't think you ever stop needing your parents when there is a good relationship, they are always needed.

Thank you so much, earlybird!

Thank you Jen! I think writing a letter to someone, even if it's never going to be read can be very cathartic.

Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it! I think the Ben in my head isn't all that great at expressing himself outloud and unfortunately that lends itself to not expressing something until it's too late.
I couldn't let Ben have a little girl without naming her after Mara.

Thanks so much! I'm glad you can see the development, that is one of the primary things I've been going for.

I'm sorry I made you cry. *hands tissue*
Thank you for reading and commenting!

Thank you! That tone shift was something I was really trying for, to show how Ben has matured over time, but still goes to this method to get his strong emotions out.

It's been so long since I've read them, some of this might have been my own head canon. I do remember feeling very strongly about how badly Jacen treated Ben and how Jacen seemed to just lose himself completely from the lovely kid he had been before.

Mara only let a few people in, she always kept herself so guarded and I wanted to show that Ben got to see that side of her, that while they didn't ever get to have the benefit of an adult relationship, Ben still knew her. And Ben was still a teenager, trying to be so grown up, I'm glad that feeling came across.

I hoped that it would come across how much not only time had passed, but that Ben had matured so much between Mara and Luke's letters, I'm glad it was there. And yeah, dad is still dad, no matter how old.
Thank you for reading!
More soon!

 

Letter #4

Note- I don't really know where this one came from, I didn't have it planned in my original idea. I sat on it quite a while to see if I could let it go, I couldn't, even though it was pretty hard to write. Even as I type, I question if I should post it at all.
There is a trigger warning for this one, if you would like to know it, highlight to read below. If you choose not to read it, I completely understand.

Trigger Warning-- Off screen references to an original character's suicide. Relatively vague, no description, but I don't think it's ambiguous.

~*~*~


Dear Mies,


You always were such a smart kid, your mother and I could never really keep up with you. Oh, we have our own intelligence, but yours was something so different than either of ours. If I didn't know better, I'd say you were more a Solo than a Skywalker, you have so much of my Uncle Han in you.


You would always be taking something apart; I'd turn around for just a few seconds and when I'd turn back you'd have the comm unit in pieces all over the floor. Thankfully, you were not only adept at taking things apart, but putting them back together. When you were a little older you would always "improve" upon things, and usually you actually did. It was then that we knew you had a gift.


We also knew pretty early on that the Jedi life wouldn't be for you. Your sister took to the calm and measured life, but you never did. If I were to say I wasn't disappointed that you wouldn't follow in my footsteps, well, that would be a lie and a lie right now would serve no purpose. But I did my best to not show you that disappointment, I never wanted you to know how much I wanted to eventually have the relationship with you that I had with my father.


But now I have to wonder if you did see and feel that disappointment, and I wonder if that added to your grief. I worry that you felt less loved than your sister because she had chosen our way of life. That was never the case, your mother and I love you both with all our hearts and never wanted you to feel anything less than the pure love we had for you.


But look at me now, telling you what I wanted, and what I hoped, but I don't know… will never know if you knew those things. Is that all I did? Hoped that you knew? Did I tell you?


I don't know.


I will tell you now, that I am so proud of the person that you are… were. Is that something else I never said? When you came to tell us you had gotten into Coruscant University, I don't think I stopped smiling for days. And when you graduated and got a job with VerTech I was so happy because I knew you were happy. You told us all of the things you wanted to design and improve. All the ways you were going to help people, the same thing your mother and I always wanted to do as Jedi, you were just going to do it in your own way. And we knew you would do it, did do it.


I wonder how I missed that things had changed?


If I had told you all of the things I had wished for you, would you have told me more about your life?


Did you feel isolated? Did you feel there was no one who would understand? No one who would care? Did you tell me and I just didn't hear what you were really saying? I have so many questions, so many regrets.


I would give anything to see your face again, to hear your voice. To walk into our weekly family dinners and see you still torturing your older sister; Both of you laughing and picking at each other while you mother sits back and rolls her eyes.


For the second time in my life I'm seeing a therapist. The first time I was so angry and did not want anything to do with it, this time I knew I had no choice. The first time I was so angry because I felt my life had been taken from me, my mother had been murdered at the hands of my cousin. I was in a lot of pain and very angry. Perhaps it's due to the amount of time that has passed and my anger from that time has dissipated, but the pain I feel now dwarfs the pain of that time, like a young star in the shadow of a super nova.


I'm not angry this time, at least not yet. And when I am and I know I will be, the only anger I will feel will never be at you, only at myself. Anger that there was something I could have done. That I could have seen a way to help you. But for now, heartbreak is all I feel. It's as though someone ripped out my heart and took it away from me.


I hope you are free now, my son. Free of the thoughts and feelings that were plaguing you in this life. I know you never embraced the Jedi life, but the Force was always with you and I know that in it, you will always be with me.

Rest well my son.

Love always,


Dad

 

A very tragic event no parent should ever see happening. Beautiful words

 

Oh my goodness. There are no words for how sad this is

I like the way you've captured how darned messy life can be. After losing his mother, it feels like poor Ben should never have to face such an awful tragedy again, but of course personal tragedy does find him again at some point. Poor Ben.

 

Oh, this is so tragic. How heartbreaking, when reading this letter and the previous letter in tandem, one full of hope for the future and the other when that future screeches to a halt. What a sad life Ben has lived, losing those he loves.

 

This is not okay. Beautifully written. As someone who had to watch two different fathers bury their children, one being due to suicide, you have captured the emotions well.

Now. If I didn't have an exam to study for, I'd be writing Baby Ben fluff to make up for this.

 

There is a thread in the TFA - spoilers allowed subforum, about how Skywalkers have the worst of the fates possible. While this is a different continuity from the current canon, this remains more than true - both in Legends up to Cade and his numbing himself down with deathsticks and this continuity of yours - whether the receiver of the letter is Nat and Kol's dead uncle, or if this is going someplace else.

Ben appears to be aware of the above, too, underneath all of his anger and helplessness. And the way the type of anger he felt as a very young man when Mara was murdered is juxtaposed against his possible future anger, directed at something he could have prevented from happening, is great.

As he's rewinding Mies' life, it's all there - the poor kid was lonely. He was not cut out to be a hero, but he was desperately trying to achieve everything else, on all possible fields, forgetting his own feelings and needs. The idea of being a willing Muggle, the rebel of the family had to backfire at some point.

A very heavy story.

 

Oh wow. This is really heartbreaking. I found it heartbreaking when I first read it, and having read it a second time I find it even more heartbreaking than the first time.

Other than that, what Ewok Poet said. I really have nothing to add.

 

Thank you, everyone for reading and commenting! I know it was quite heavy and I'm thankful you all took the journey with me. I've seen a lot of suicide in my job and one thing that really sticks out is that many times family doesn't know anything. I wanted to show how even a Jedi might miss something about his own son, but that while he blames himself, he is not to blame.

I agree, no parent should ever have to deal with the death of a child, no matter the means, but I imagine suicide is even worse.
Thank you!

Thank you!
Life is very messy and poor Ben has had a very hard life in my little universe. I agree he shouldn't have to face Such tragedy again, but like you said, it was bound to find him again.

Ben has lived a sad life, that's for sure. I think that's the hardest thing about suicide, all that future lost. This of course is true of death no matter what, but for me at least, it hurts more when someone takes their own life.
Thank you for reading!

I'm sorry!
I've never had anyone close to me commit suicide, but I've seen it quite a lot working in hospitals. I've talked to a lot of mothers, fathers, siblings and spouses whose family member did and it always affects me way more than anything else. I'm sorry that this has been something in your life.
Thank you for reading!

I agree that the Skywalkers have the worst fates. I didn't set out for it to be a continuation of that fate on purpose, but I think it is set in Ben's character so it was only natural to continue.

Thank you! And yes, I think Ben is probably aware, maybe even wondering if it's a Skywalker 'lot in life'. And while it doesn't show much here, because most of this is him writing about tragedy, he does his best to live a happy life. Maybe when this is finished I'll have to write the flip side and write about the happy things.

Exactly! I think it would be hard to be a part of the Skywalker family even as a Jedi, but all that much harder if you weren't. The kind of pressure just that name would bring is huge and living up to that would be a struggle.
Thank you for reading and your lovely comments!

Thank you! Suicide is something I've seen a lot at work and it is always the hardest thing for me to put distance between myself and the heartbreak. I think that might be why this insisted on being written, that emotion wanted to be let out somehow.

 

AN: While I didn't intend to write this one when I started, it seems like this story has taken on a life of its own... as they tend to do. After the last letter, I think my muse thought you guys might like something a little lighter, at least lighter than things have been.

I think there will be one more, maybe two. But then I got an idea for another series related to this one, I'll keep you updated on that.

~*~*~

Letter #5

My lovely Jade,

I typically have written these letters when negative emotions became too much and I needed an outlet to deal with them. It's been my method for releasing those strong emotions since I was a teenager and it has served me well. But today I find I need to let go of a different, yet no less powerful emotion. If we're being truthful, and I guess I must be truthful with myself, it's actually quite a few emotions.


Pride.

I've always been proud of you. As a child, you were playful and fun, but always willing to listen. Well… almost always. But as you've grown, the pride I feel for you continues to grow. You've become an intelligent, compassionate, and humble person. I'm even prouder of you today, not because you are getting married, but because you've overcome so much before getting to this point. While I can't pretend to know what it was like to have your heart so completely broken by someone who was only out for themselves, I know as a father it was something that hurt me to watch you have to go through that anguish. You've not allowed that to rule your life even though it could have, easily. You have found it in yourself to be trusting again, to allow yourself to love and to be loved by someone else. You may not know what kind of strength that takes, but I do.


Heartbreak.

Yes, I'll admit, I'm heartbroken by my little girl leaving me. I know it's irrational, you haven't lived with us for years. You haven't been a child for quite some time, but to your mother and I, you'll always be our baby. I know you aren't mine to keep, you aren't anyone's, you are your own person, and just because you are bonding to someone doesn't mean anything between us changes. I know you'll still come to my office to have caff and discuss the frustrating students, you'll still come over for a meal with your mother and I. I know things won't change, but there is that part of me that feels like I'm letting you go. This is probably why you will never see this letter. I don't want you to feel anything but joy. This is my feeling, my problem, not yours.

It may be irrational, but I feel it none the less.


Joy.

I'm so happy that you've found someone you feel the same way as I feel about your mother, the way my parents did for each other. You would have been fine on your own, of this I am certain, you need no one to completely you. But since you've been with Rig, to have someone you trust completely, a partner to share your life with has brought even more light to your life. I can see it in your face when you speak of him; The joy you exude is contagious and other can't help but feel it too.

I'm not only joyful that you have found this in Rig, but that we get another member of our family. I'm looking forward to continuing my relationship with him, to get to know him even better, to think of him as a son. He makes you happy, so he makes me happy.


Sadness.

With all the happiness, I can't help but think of how your brother would have felt about all of this. I know Mies would have loved Rig, thought of him as a brother. I am sad that your brother won't ever get the chance to know him or the opportunity to know you as you are now. I'm sad that he never got to experience love as you have. That maybe if he had found someone who understood him, things might have turned out differently. I think of him every day and wonder how he would feel about every situation that arises and today is no different. I'm sad he isn't here with us.

But this isn't a time to be heartbroken or sad; it's a time for joy and love, and that is my wish for you. That your life, no matter where it leads you is as full of as much happiness as possible. That you love fully and that you are loved as you should be.



Love always,


Dad

 

Oh, for some reason, this is so beautiful, but it made me well up (I just said goodbye to some friends - they are done their undergrad now and off for bigger, better adventures). You captured Ben's emotions so well.

 

The youngling leaving the nest does initially strike me as a negative thing, but with the faith Ben has in his daughter, looks like he's confident of her abilities and well-aware of everything she's capable of. Moreover, he is likely bound not to make the same mistake he made with his son.

Curious, do you plan to write a story about how he lost his son? Like a longer fic, as opposed to a letter? I'd read.

 

Very nice depiction of the conflicting emotions any parent would feel on their child's wedding day, made more poignant but their particular circumstances

 

Perfect letter of a dad to his daughter

 

Delightful! A sweet and poignant blend of emotions, realistic and heart-felt! I love very very much how you've captured not just the emotions of that particular day but also the overall intimacy and sweet ties of affection in Ben's family. Thank you for sharing this letter and giving Ben this rich and warm family.

 

This was lovely Not only more cheerful than the previous letter (I'm still digesting that one!) but also full of charm in that Jade, like Mies, become fully formed persons for the reader, even though we see them only through their father's perspective.

Is this family of Ben Skywalker's something you've developed in other stories, or did you create the characters for this one? Because I'd definitely like to read more about them.