LINGERING FROST - A POSTSCRIPT TO AUF - COMPLETED - 8/24/02

OK - my patient supporters. It's written - but it's not quite as polished as I'd like. However, the polishing shouldn't take more than an hour or so, and then it WILL be posted.

So bear with me just a bit longer. I think (hope) you will be pleased with the post once you read it.

Peace - and patience!

CYN

 

move this up a little more

 

* * * * *


Pt. tres - And we're drawing nearer to a moment of truth - although it may not yet be THE moment of truth.

There will certainly be one more post after this - possibly two - and there will also almost certainly be an epilogue - because I have a terrible weakness for epilogues. Comes under the heading, no doubt, of never knowing when to shut up.

As always, All hail the Mighty Lucas - and all express appropriate gratitude for being allowed to borrow such delicious characters. No copyright infringement intended - and no profits generated.

* * * * * * * * * * *


When I left the Council Chamber, I was moving very quickly; when I leave the elevator, I do so at a Force-enhanced sprint, and accelerate immediately to maximum speed. It amuses me - and surprises me just a bit - to note that I don't know exactly why I'm running. I'm certainly not running away - Jedi Masters, after all, do not run from anything. It is also a bit strange that I have no real idea of where I'm going, but that seems less important - the where ultimately mattering less than the why.

And I suddenly begin to feel a heaviness within my chest - a heaviness that I know has nothing to do with my physical exertions or any other external cause - a heaviness that is rising from deep within myself.

A heaviness I - will not be forced to confront.

I cast out with my feelings, reaching for some tangible, plausible handhold - something to allow me to avoid whatever it is that stalks my steps so relentlessly - and I find - my padawan. My wonderful, gifted, confident padawan - who may sometimes question the attitude and acceptance of his fellow Jedi - but who never doubts his own powers and abilities - unlike . . . . others, in the past.

He is in the company of a group of friends - and it is the work of a moment for me to slip past his surface shielding and test the quality of his mood, all without raising any suggestion of an alarm in his mind. He is the Chosen One - of that, I have no doubt - but he is also only nine years old, and it will be many years before he can hold his own in shielding against a Jedi Master. He is enjoying himself - and I take just a fraction of a second to peer through his eyes, to see what he sees and feel what he feels. Something has spurred a bout of his infectious laughter, although it seems his companions are considerably less amused - but there is a lovely spontaneity in his hilarity - and a complete lack of self-consciousness. When Anakin laughs, he cares little if anyone else understands the joke.

I catch a quick, kaleidoscopic glance of a couple of small, piquant faces with huge stricken eyes - but the images are nonsensical, lacking resolution and relevance, and I quickly push them from my mind.

I am moving like the winds now - the ubiquitous, relentless winds that swirl around the upper levels of the soaring towers - and I am grateful that the lateness of the hour has caused this corridor to be virtually deserted, meaning that my furious passage goes unchallenged. Even the few Jedi that I do encounter are more non-plussed than perturbed by my somewhat unorthodox sprint through halls more commonly awash with somnolence than haste. There is, of course, no emotion; there is serenity. And I make a conscious decision to ignore the faint trace of bitterness that threads through the words as they rise in my mind.

The serenity is still here, of course; centuries of Jedi tranquility will not be vanquished by the dash of one distraught Jedi Master - but I cannot reach it. Nor do I even try.

And when, I ask myself now, did I admit that I am distraught?

Seized by a roiling impatience, I decide abruptly that it is not the sterility of the corridors that I need to help me soothe - whatever it is within me that requires soothing; I require something elsewhere - and elsewise. Something different; something - living.

My stride lengthens - and grows even faster, as I turn to seek the gardens that grace some portion of every upper fl

 

Dag Nab It Cyn ! Are you happy! I dunno what to say! I'm actually sitting here in front of my computer bawling! This makes me hate the man even more!

 

Grrr.....I still think Qui-gon needs a good, long, hard kick in the behind. He so deserves it. Have Ramal do it or Rain or even Yoda. What a selfish, arrogant, unfeeling, cold-hearted, blind imbicile (sp?)! Grr.....

Ahhh, I feel so much better now. What a wonderful addition to your story! Lovely. And hopefuly the idiot doesn't squander Obi's sacrifice. Hope to see the next part soon!

 

Good gracious, Cyn, you've done it to me again!

There were a few lines in this amazing post I had to mention:

<<"You created the ultimate
dichotomy, Master Jinn - the perfect padawan, who believed he was irrevocably flawed - which raises the question of whether the one could have existed - without the other.">>

So, so heartbreaking and true!!

"And I can face no more - can comprehend no more. I close my eyes - and see him before me - and see the smile that he used to conceal his pain - and see the compassion that moved him - and the nobility that drove him - and the love that he gave so freely. The love I took so willingly - and was never able to return in kind."

Also true!

Well, I don't know if I like Qui-Gon any more than I did before, but you surely did, as you had promised, added a new depth to his character.

I can't wait for more, Cyn!!

 

Try as I might I can't bring myself to completely hate Qui-Gon here - I think I'm more into pity for him. To be blinded for that long to what's right in front of you is...sad somehow. I'm not saying that Qui-Gon didn't deserve what he got - he deserved to have all those people come down on his head - but I think this was a case more of a man trying to protect himself from monumental pain (something I think is something most of us have tried to do at one point or another in our lives no matter what it might mean to do so).

Have you ever been afraid to keep reading a fictional work for fear of what you're going to find out? That's how I felt while reading this - but there was no way I could stop. A brutal, stark page-turner that compels one to keep scrolling down.

You're right - Disney it ain't, and I think you're right when you say it's going to be a small group of people who follow your work - but those of us you've got, you've got for good.

Brilliant work - looking forward to the next post.

Shaindl

 

(sitting in sad silence)...


Shaindl is right. You don't want to read it, but you do, you can't bear to read it but you can't bear not to.

Haunting, beautiful and and full of echoing grief...for Qui-Gon, for Obi-Wan's friends, for all of us...

Well done, Cyn.

 

Alright... I admit it... Obi-Wan is dead... But he really isn't is he? Won't Qui-Gon finally admit what Obi was and carry on his legacy? Won't Obi live on in what Anakin will become, which will hopefully be a child of the light? I dunno, I'm just so sniffley right now, I am not sure what to say...

 

That was wonderful CYN

I loved the little flashbacks - - I always love your flashbacks! Jelly coats, how cute And the image of a young Obi by the clear pond in the garden, you painted it so vividly. Lovely. Was it the same garden Obi was in at the beginning of AUF, btw?

You've upped the Qui angst another notch, I love it. I like to see him suffer, for what he's done to Obi. His own personal hell indeed

I'm so glad Obi got to say good bye to everyone before he left, so I guess he really doesn't need to come back to do it. I also have a feeling he may have been the one behind Qui's new quarter too. Such a loving soul he is.

Well, Rain wasn't there up close and personal, but in spirit he was. So glad you mentioned him. Loved Ramal's reaction to Qui, as usual.

Qui seems to be waking up to Ani's arrogance and darkness as well. I hope he calls him on it and turns him around, so Obi's sacrifice will not be for nothing.

As usual - - I loved it CYN. Can't wait for the rest. And holding out a tiny hope that we may get a glimpse of our Obi within the force

--Shan

EDIT: Why do I also get the feeling that Obi also had something to do with Qui's little memory loss problem?

 

In light of the absolute certainty that Obi-Wan is dead - I'm looking on the bright side of things for once in my life. Because, after all, Obi-Wan is now with the woman he was meant to be with - and could only be with in death. Now they have eternity as their playground, don't they?

And I can't get this final scene out of my head that I imagined while on the road for hours on end about the wall you spoke about. With all of the names of fallen Jedi.

Hmm..

 

Still sitting here in silence...

AUF broke my heart, Cyn.

And while I can try and be happy for Obi-Wan because he is very much loved where he is now, I can't help but mourn how much he lived in hope of love during his life and was to be tortured with disappointment over and over again.

And I can damn Qui-Gon for his self-centeredness but he did love Obi-Wan as much as he could.

So he must now act, to stop his Hitlerization of Anakin in order to honor his beloved Padawan...but I somehow think Qui-Gon just doesn't care anymore. That 'after me the deluge'. His life is worthless to him now without Obi-Wan and he could not care less what happens next.

But that Obi-Wan chose to die for his love for the man and still have that love rejected...

You've broken my heart with this, Cyn. Terribly so.

 

I'm at a loss for words. The writing is so elegant and descriptive you are emersed in the scene. It's always been a question in my mind but I have never truely found an answer; Why do the purest of heart and brightest of soul suffer and carry the burden of their world on their shoulders?

The image and idea that is Obi-wan holds a fascination for us because he can endure all things for the greater good. It's rare in our world to find someone willing to sacrifice everything they are to help the smallest of pained creatures. And if given the opportunity, he would gladly do it again. That is why He is made to suffer.

Qui-gon was always a fool. He could never be happy with the beauty and love he had in Obi-wan. And yes, as much as you want to hate him, you can't help but understand the grief anyone has for losing someone that defines their soul. Maybe at least now he can appreciate the sacrifice one full of light can offer. If not he is more of a fool than I thought.

This is exquisite, and as I read I could feel my own chest constrict, and my own breath held tightly so as to hold on to the pain felt in the writing. You are a gem, Cyn, and I for one look forward to the further revelations you enlighten us with.

Thank you for bringing justice to a character that deserves more than the dismissal that "authorized" fan fiction deems to grant him. And the inspiration to do better.

Ari

 

Thank you for bringing justice to a character that deserves more than the dismissal that "authorized" fan fiction deems to grant him. And the inspiration to do better.

Well said, Arldetta.

 

It's about time someone drilled some sense into Qui-Gon's ultra thick skull. Evidently, six months of self-delusion and full blown denial were still in effect with no end in sight, even after that slap to the face, wake up call by Garen and company. But then, the master was never one for self-flagellation. Besides, why burden himself with guilt and remorse when amnesia was so much more expedient and painless. When smugness and arrogance was more satisfying and gratifying.

The world's smallest violin is playing for Qui-Gon Jinn now, who is finally wallowing in abject misery. My heart simply refuses to bleed for the callous coward whose self-serving irrational behavior and criminal disregard for Obi-Wan's honorable memory made so many others suffer while he cavorted in his "chosen one" bliss.

Superbly done! This may sound spiteful, but I sure hope angelic Obi doesn't reppear offering absolution to his pathetic master, who like a leopard never changed his spots!

 

Oh Wow Cyn...

I really don't have words at this moment to discribe how i feel...

I promise once I stop crying and can compose myself I will go into a more in depth review..

But good job..


PT

 

Sugar bear, what a forlorn hope. Obi-Wan was too good a person. Too good for Qui-Gon Jinn. If what I understood the following to mean, even now after all that has passed between them, Obi-Wan is still trying to comfort his beloved self-centered, short-sighted, oblivious, deeply flawed master. Offering his love and having it rejected.

I refuse to allow myself to react - although deep within me, there is a voice that cries out to offer comfort and solace. I don't know the source of those emotions - or what caused them - but I know pain when I feel it, and there is a great, bottomless, searing pain nearby.

It's not my pain; that's what I keep repeating to myself, until it becomes as meaningless as a mantra - a collection of babbled syllables, signifying nothing.

 

thats it Cyn! It's offical u r the only one that made me cry when reading. My partner here at work is looking at me like I've completely lost it this time... well more than it's lost already.

If you couldnt guess...that was amazing!

Till Later~
Siri

 

Cyn, that was beautifully written. The content however, I am not afraid to say, sent emotions through me the likes of which I have not felt in some time - further illustrating your magnificence with the (made figurative by technology) pen.

This is very nearly - if not - beyond redemption in my eyes. Putting off dealing with such an event - sure, I can accept, possably even relate. Not having his padawan's name placed on the memorial wall - a bit less sympathy from me, but still, forgivable. But to not know - and not question! - the final state of said padawan, for SIX months is - apauling.

I was prepared to allow his behavior to slide - albeit slowly - by. But to leave unknown the final resting of a boy who had become the 'child of his heart' in the 13 years that they had worked side by side is...despicable.

I wait to see if the next post will instill some modicum of fled empathy - and Cyn, if you can do it, I will - again - stand in awe of your literary talents.

~Antigone

 

CYN-

Here is my more in depth review..I know you more then likely don't want a review as long as your post...but there are just a few things that stand out to me that I must comment on.

And I feel my breath catch in my throat as I realize what a wonder my padawan truly is - and how blessed within the Force, which swells in harmony around him.

I cant belive that it took Obi-wan's death for Qui-gon to see this about him..Love this line.

The child, of course, cares not at all - as the tiny felinoids creep forward from their various hiding places and cluster at his feet. When he collapses, rather abruptly, to his well-padded little bottom, the little creatures - the jelly-coats - swarm all over him - and he is quickly reduced to a mass of squirming giggles.

This is soo Obi-wan that I couldn't help but giggle as I pictured this. Great job.

"He came to see each of us that night, Master Jinn," she says, barely audible. "We didn't know it at the time - but he came to say good-bye - to each of us."

I can't belive it..Obi-wan knew he was going to die..yet he went anyway.. I often wonder if things in these stories were to happen..How many of us could do what we put our characters through..Could we honestly say that we would give our life for someone who treated us so bad...who cast us aside for someone he didn't even know..

I can honstly say...that I doubt I would..and this is what makes Obi-wan so real..so Human.

I almost feel sorry for Qui-gon. He is Fianlly coming to terms with what had happened...but I couldnt forgive him for everything he did to Obi-wan..

This was such a powerful chapter...that I find it even hard to go back and re-read it to write this review..

I envy you CYN..I always wish I could write like this, but sadly this may never happen..

Thank you for this and I will wait for your next post..

Ok enough babbling now...

**goes to bathroom to blow nose**

PT

 

Maybe I'm missing something here - which happens when I read so much that everything gets all jumbled together and becomes one long incongruent story - but it looks to me like Qui-Gon is in denial of Obi-Wan's death, possibly even suffering beyond what he can handle. In other words, he's not playing with a full deck, he's a little crazy. Obi-Wan kept him sane, and with the boy gone now and having given his life for Qui-Gon, the Jedi master just can't handle it.

If this is the case, then I feel cruelty is inappropriate (as if it ever is) - especially in the Jedi Order where compassion is taught and, hopefully, practiced. And where there is genuine compassion there is forgiveness to the n-th degree.

I know it's a hard thing to let things go sometimes, but they're Jedi. They should act like it. But I'm not saying all of them aren't.

If every character in the story was never forgiven for anything, then they would all be just as at fault as Qui-Gon ever was.

The writing is brilliant, CYN, and the story compelling enough to even get me riled, which is hard to do.

Looking forward to the next part.

 

No way I'm letting this get lost.

UP!

 

Joveive - Thanks, It's just how I felt.

CYN - I have to agree with PT in the sense that I could only hope to one day touch the talent that flows so easily from your fingers. You have a rare and wonderous gift that allows you to express in words what some people have a hard time saying. Which to me can sometimes be easier than committing something on paper. Kudos to you. Thanks again for gracing us with such wonderful work.

 

I haven't dared read An Untimely Frost - the last time I read something of yours it kept me from writing for three days.

You can describe - something I cannot do, and if this blasted story every gets posted, you'll see what I mean - and create beautiful scenes. I am unbelievably jealous for your talent to help us to see what you do.

I hope I don't start a fight (I heard about one on another of your threads, and don't want to start a second), but I have never seen Qui-Gon the way you do. Sometimes I wonder if we saw the same movie.

Anyway, this is wonderful, and while I wonder what happened, I don't dare read that monstrosity of yours. I have too much in the way of life going on right now. Maybe in a few months.

Did anyone else notice that Anakin's "friends" seemed to be terrified of him? I don't remember the exact words (something about how he didn't care if anyone else got the joke), but the impression was that Anakin was laughing at their fear, or something... You do write a despicable child.

As always a wonderful thing to read. I'll try to keep caught up on it (it'll be easier next week - school's out!).

Just Jill

 

It is not often that I read something that makes me feels as though I am running the entire gammout of emotions in one chapter. This has done that to me. At first I felt anger anf frustration towards Qui-Gon for refusing to acknowledge his former padawan. Then I was disgusted with him for his arrogant attitude regarding his current padawan and the shabby way he seemed to be treating Obi-Wan's memory in the eyes of the boy's friends.

But now I can feel nothing but sadness and maybe even some pity for a man who is so devastated by grief that he refuses to even allow memories of the one he lost. I no longer have anger or hate towards him. Instead I find myself shaking my head and looking away, much as one reacts when they see a mentally ill street person.

I can't say that a story has ever brought out these emotions in me before. I am in awe Cyn.