Before - Legends Lions and Tigers and Padawans, Oh My! (JA Humor: repost) *updated 12th May*

Posted by Jemmiah

************

Pandemonium was breaking out in a small scale in various parts of the zoo. Unlikely as it seemed on the face of it, there had been a report of five drugged and virtually unconscious children in the vicinity of the duck pond! An attempted abduction had turned out to be a case of mistaken identity, resulting in a security man being left up to his neck in Gundark manure...no real damage done there...complaints of children running riot all over the place, terrorizing the visitors, and of lewd and drunken singing near the Gurnaf enclosure had been filtering in all afternoon. To top it all, in what appeared to win first prize in the "most unbelievable scenario ever to happen within a zoo without the use of prohibited substances" contest, there had been a report of a ?flasher? loose in the grounds exposing himself to the public...

And now, half the animals in the zoo had escaped.

These repeated disasters had done nothing for the nerves of head keeper Dylan Bonar, as he shoveled down yet another tranquilizer, followed by yet another glass of water. Flashers, escaped and dangerous creatures...Jedi child abductors?it figured that sort of thing would only ever happened in his zoo - and all on the same day! How fair was that? How likely was that??? Typical really. You waited a decade for something exciting to happen with no joy whatsoever, and then when you were least expecting it three things came along at once! Usually he would have deemed it an eventful day if one of the Ankula's sneezed!

No more nerves, he commanded himself, studying his shaking hands...he would be fine as long as nothing untoward happened to further render his day a nerve-filled disaster. He WOULD be fine?

One of the junior keepers ran into his room, wild-eyed with his straw coloured hair plastered untidily against his forehead, banging on the door with clenched fists. The sound causing Dylan to wince and he made a mental note to add painkillers as well as tranquilizers to his list of pills to swallow...

?Sir...Sir, the Krayt Dragon?s escaped! People are panicking and searching for the exits...or locking themselves in the nearest freshers! Which is precisely where I'm heading!? He bellowed, before turning tale and fleeing in the direction of the nearest convienience he could locate.

Bonar smiled insanely to himself, cradling the harpoon gun he held in his hand under the table. He didn't have the heart to tell his young colleague that it was always the guy sitting on the fresher seat that got grabbed by the escaped Rancor: he'd seen enough holo fims over the years to confirm it.

Still, it paid to be extra careful...

************

Qui-Gon stood once more beside Jemmiah, his hand on her back.

?When you get back to the temple, you?re going straight to see An-Paj.? He ordered.

?Thanks. That?s just what I need. To be locked in a room with a bunch of trainee healers who?re just waiting like Sarlaccs in a desert to haul you into their lair and stick you with giant needles.? Jemmiah moaned at the thought, pleading at him with her copper eyes. ?Once you?re in there you never come out again for months...you know what it's like. Force knows you've had to visit Obi-Wan often enough!?

?All the same.? He tucked her hair behind her ear. He knew how much she hated medicentres, healers and needles. Not to mention blood.

?Knowing my luck, I?d probably get padawan Dimwit, who?ll no doubt give me an enema to swallow or something.?

?I think you?ll find that?s Dimallie.? Admonished Qui-Gon softly. Although Jemmiah did have a point. Dimallie did have a bit of a blemished record on the medical mix-up front.

She stared at him. ?Master Jinn, if you don?t mind me asking, what happened to your eye??

?Err...a slight altercation with another one of the visitors.? Qui-Gon tried to sound convincing.

She grinned, despite how ill she felt. It didn't take too much to read between the unspoken lines. ?You mean somebody thumped you!?

He put a hand to his eye. ?Yes.?

?Oh.? The smile remained, albeit f

 

Posted by Jemmiah and Opi Wan Cannoli

*********

Master Windu was tempted to utter a string of expletives for not the first time that afternoon, as he looked at the semi-conscious form of padawan Kenobi. He was fairly unresponsive, even after they had forced some lukewarm caff down his throat.

Well, actually most of it had gone down his chin.

The spectacle had drawn a crowd of curious initiates, all circling Obi-Wan for a better look.

?Is he dead?? asked Toms as he wiped his nose on his sleeve.

?Of course not!? muttered Isadora, standing on her tiptoes. ?If he were dead they wouldn?t be making him drink that caff, would they??

Sabra-Ni stood next to Mace and gently reached up to tug at his long sleeve. ?Master Windu, what does ?Up the stick mean??

Mace?s eyes bulged. ?Pardon??

The little girl continued. ?I heard padawan Cates say that padawan Kenobi had got Jemmiah ?Up the stick.? What does it mean, Master??

?Err?um..well, it?s a bit difficult to explain, really.? Stammered Mace.

?It means she?s going to have a baby, silly.? Growled Isadora.

?Ohhhhhhhhhh!? Sabra-Ni smiled knowingly. ?That?s nice. I like babies!?

?I don?t know why,? Isadora grumbled. ?All they do is eat and cry and p??

?When did you hear this?? Mace interrupted.

?I heard padawan Cates say it five minutes ago. He was holding his head in his hands and talking to the bench.? Sabra-Ni replied earnestly.

Windu closed his eyes. It hadn?t been much of a surprise, really, but he had hoped to be proven wrong?

Qui-Gon! He would be livid!

?Does Master Jinn know about this?? he asked, his throat feeling suddenly dry.

Isadora?s face held an angelic smile. ?I told him.?

?You did?!?

?Sure. Somebody had to.?

Windu dropped Obi-Wan from his half-sitting position back onto the ground with a sharp thud. ?Sithspit, he?ll kill her!? He stood up briskly. ?And then he?ll kill me!?

Isadora watched his panic set in.

?Good.? She mumbled under her breath.

He raced off in the direction that Obi-Wan had returned from. He had to tell him his side of things, and fast. Once Qui-Gon found out that he?d been helping to organize their secret meetings?

He was going to cop it, and then some!

**************

?I?m telling you, Master Jinn, she?s been eaten.? Was Jemmiah?s pessimistic take on the current state of affairs. ?Something big and horrible with mandibles the size of a tramp freighter is probably as we speak using Kylenn as a toothpick, whilst deciding which of the initiates to have as seconds.?

?I don?t think you should be joking.? Said Qui-Gon sternly.

?Who said I WAS joking?? she retorted smartly. ?We heard Bai said the animals were loose. This IS a zoo. One which, if I may add, prides itself on having the most repulsive, not to mention dangerous selection of uglies on display in the galaxy. In which case...?

?In which case, I want you to remain with me. At all times, where I can keep an eye on you. I mean it, Jemmiah. I know what you?re like. Calamity and catastrophe are drawn to you like Jawas to a scrap-heap.?

He saw her about to argue. ?You are staying with me whether you like it or not. I already have too much to explain to your guardian as it is.?

?Where are we going?? She asked irritably.

?To find our horrible, tramp freighter sized, padawan eating creature.? Replied Jinn. He motioned her forward and seeing her reluctant expression added reassuringly ?Don?t worry. You?ll be perfectly safe with me. I promise you.?

Why didn?t he believe his own words?

************

//Boy, that little guy can drive// An-Paj thought as he clung to the dashboard of Yoda's airspeeder. Beside him, Yoda dodged a slow-moving skiff, downshifted, and made the small engine scream with full throttle.

"Almost there, we are. Enjoying this, I am, hehe, hm", Yoda said as he swung the steering wheel, and somehow made the speeder go even faster.

An-Paj's jaw dropped. Impossible! This model- the aptly named Incom Padawan- only has a 350-klick top speed. An-Paj should know. That gearhead ini

 

Qui, I think that you walked straight into that one. I will admit that Jemmy sorta pushed you along though.

More please!

 

Posted by Jemmiah

************

Padawan Kylenn had just about managed to make it back to the group, feet shuffling so slowly in reverse that she appeared hardly to move at all. Surrounding her, totally oblivious to any problems Kylenn might have spotted, the kids were still larking about merrily; running, jumping and playing... she almost backed into the Wookie before she realized he was there.

?What are you doing?? He asked curiously, with the aid of his basic translator unit.

?Me? Er?I?m playing ?Eye-Spy. Yes. That?s it.? Kylenn stammered, not even fractionally altering her line of vision from where she had last seen that huge, unblinking eye.

The Wookie looked about. ?Who with??

She gulped. ?M-mmyself.?

The furry face of the young Wookie creased in puzzlement. ?That?s not much fun.?

?N-nno. You?re right. Let?s all play a game.?
The padawan felt her hopes soar at the unexpected gift of a solution.

?What game??

?Statues. You know how to play at statues, don?t you??

?Uh-Huh.?
?Good. Go get your friends and we?ll all play...SLOWLY!? She said, staring directly at the creature hidden amidst the trees. All she had to do was keep them silent and still until Qui-Gon appeared with reinforcements. He?d help her, somehow...but there had to be no noise.

?The rules are simple. DON?T MOVE.?

//Or the first one to do so is Rancor meat// She thought.

****************

?What you really need is a long chain.?

Jemmiah was trying to explain her master plan to the naturists gathered around both Qui-Gon Jinn and herself. ?Publicity.? She went on. ?How do you expect to get support from anyone if they don?t know anything about you. I mean,? she indicated the list of names on the petition, ?Senator Palpatine may be a worthy member of the cause and all that, but how is anyone supposed to hear about it? Do you see him chaining himself to the railings??

Qui-Gon was hoping the ground would open up and swallow him. Jemmiah?s condition stopped him from making good his threat to give her a thrashing. That and the fact that Evla would in turn probably thrash him for chastising her. Which she probably would anyway when she got to hear about the ?happy event? that was awaiting her 'daughter' and his padawan?

?Manacles. And a key, of course.? Jemmiah added.

?My brother Mitch has a long chain that might work,? mused the balding man, ?I could contact him and get him to bring it over.? He fished into his pockets and brought out his comlink.

//Kriff!// Thought Jemmiah. //I?m glad he kept that in his pocket!

?He doesn?t live very far away. He?s an escapologist. He works as a children?s entertainer. I?m sure he?d lend us his chain, if I asked him?he could be here within half an hour.?

?You do that!? brightened Jemmiah. ?Tell him to bring the key as well.?

?What do you think you?re playing at?? Qui-Gon hissed into her ear.

She looked at him, ignoring the implied criticism within the scathing tone.

?I?m making sure our group of nature lovers all stay together in the one place, rather than wandering round the zoo frightening the kids and offending the parents.? She paused. ?And having a laugh.?

?At other people?s expense?? Qui-Gon asked pointedly.

?Relax.? She smiled at the group. ?I?m doing this for the cause. By the time I?ve finished with them they?ll have so much publicity they won?t know what?s??

She shivered suddenly. That stuff of Simeon?s was doing really strange things to her, she decided. One minute she felt as if she could fly, and the next she just wanted to curl up in a ditch somewhere and die. The extreme swings were catching her between joyous hyperactivity and crashing sickness.

Qui-Gon saw the swift change in her, and caught her by the arm. ?Sit!? He commanded. ?And stay quiet.?

Reluctantly, she sat down once more. ?I knew it,? she muttered, ?That Nerf-brains has poisoned me.?

?If you?re no better in the next half hour or so, I?m calling the medics.? He took off his robe and placed it over her shoulders.

?Cccareful, Master Jinn,? she said, sha

 

Oh yes! Let's invite more people into the madhouse known as the zoo!

?Can you smell burning?? He asked Simeon...

Reading that line got me to laughing just thinking about what was coming up!

 

Posted by Jemmiah

************

?I feel better now.? Jemmiah piped up. Qui-Gon did not look convinced. Not remotely.

?Are you sure?? The skeptical look remained upon his face. The one she referred to as the patented Jinn look.

?Yes. I told you. It comes and goes. Like waves. But you don?t have to call the medics. I?m fine.?

?Really??

?Yes!?

Trying to convince him was proving to be an impossible task. ?Would I lie to you??

?I?d be worried if you didn?t,? Qui-Gon replied tartly, ?you?ve been doing it ever since I met you.?

?That?s not fair!?

Qui-Gon smiled. His point, he thought.

He looked across at the naturists. The brother of the balding man had arrived some three minutes ago, and Qui-Gon did not want to get any more involved than was absolutely possible. ?Good.? He spoke out loud to Jemmiah. ?If you?re feeling better, we can get going.?

?Not yet.? She got to her feet. ?It?s just getting interesting.? He watched in dismay as yet another high seemed to kick in, just as suddenly as the low had. The situation was getting out of hand, he realized. Like it or not, she was going to see An-Paj even if he had to drag her by the scruff of the neck. She bounded across the grass towards the railings.

?You all set then?? Jemmiah asked, a large smile spreading openly on her face.

?I think so,? grinned back the balding man, ?we?re just looking for the best way to do this.?

Jemmiah scanned the area quickly. ?You want to make sure that you?re comfortable.? Her eyes alighted on a section of metal railing, in direct sunlight. The open smile became an evil grin.

?How about there?? She pointed. ?You don?t want to be catching cold, do you??

Jemmiah and the man?s brother helped to chain all eleven of the naturists to the railing, whilst Qui-Gon looked on in fascinated horror. ?I think I?d better take the key.? She flashed her prettiest smile. ?That way the only way they?ll get you away from the railings is with a lightsabre. And besides, we don?t want any cheating do we? This is a proper protest, isn?t it??

Concurring, the key was handed dutifully over. Jemmiah?s grin widened.

?I think what we should be doing,? she indicated Qui-Gon, ?is spreading the word. Tell as many people as possible what?s going on. Maybe get the reporters in, that sort of thing.? She waved a casual salute. ?We?ll be back later.?

Loping back to Qui-Gon with the key in her pocket, she hooked her arm through his and tried to hurry away. ?C?mon, we?re going to find Kylenn. Or what?s left of her.?

Qui-Gon looked at her disapprovingly. ?You know that they are going to get horribly sunburned where they are, strapped to that railing. It?ll be like being tied to a griddle. They?ll have stripes on their bodies for weeks!?

Jemmiah laughed.

?That?s nothing,? she said, fingering the key. ?Just wait ?till they find out about the ant hill they?re standing on!?

*************

?I can still smell burning.? Obi-Wan declared woozily.

Simeon sniffed the air. There WAS something?

?Yes. Maybe you?re right.? He looked at his friend. ?Are you feeling any better??

?Nope.?

?Nevermind.? He bit nervously at his fingernails, a habit he seemed to have picked up from these little dark-force vipers playing around him. "When Master Yoda is through with us, we?ll look back on how we feel now as a happy and positive experience.?

?I don?t think so, somehow.?

Simeon smiled a fraction, although the effort cost him some pain. His facial muscles were spasming every now and again, making him look like he had a nervous tick.

?That?s not that attitude.? Simeon frowned. ?Look on the bright side. When Master Jinn and Master Windu are finished with us??

?There won?t be anything left of us for Yoda to have a go at.? Obi-Wan interrupted.

Sighing, Simeon agreed that it did seem a likely scenario. ?Alternatively, Yoda might kill your master first.?

?That?s meant to make me feel better?? Obi-Wan asked miserably, unhappy at causing Qui-Gon such embarrassment.

?No,? Simeon thought for a while, ?but it s

 

Tee-Hee! Looks like everything is going downhill and begining to pick up speed!

That whole thermomerter bit always gets me. Personally I feel sorry for the wookiee that Simeon mentioned!

Fork-tailed stingers, ticks... what's next wasps??

 

Posted by Jemmiah

**************


An-Paj was beginning to wonder if they?d ever find their intended quarry. Yoda seemed to know where to head for. The number of times he?d been prodded in the side by that stick?


"Where to now, Master Yoda?" Enquired An-Paj in exasperation.

"Hmmm." Yoda closed his eyes as the transport began to slow. He searched the currents of the force until he found the presence of the ones he sought.

"Right!" He exclaimed suddenly, hitting An-Paj on the arm with his stick. "Right!"

"Thank you, Master. The instruction was perfectly clear the first time."

Rubbing his bruised arm, An-Paj sneaked a glance at Yoda. That gleam was back in his eye. And An-Paj didn?t think it would bode well for anyone.


"Over that hill." Yoda thrust his stick to the side, nearly taking off An-Paj?s ear.

//I wish he wouldn?t do that,// The healer thought.

"Far our padawans are not. Walk, we shall." Yoda decided, after they had reached the hill. He poked An-Paj in the leg, wielding the wooden implement as expertly as if it were a lightsabre.

//If he goes on like this, I?m not going to be able to walk anywhere,// An-Paj seethed quietly as he helped Yoda out of the transport. //What did your last servant die of,// he wondered morosely?

Something infectious, hopefully.

As they crawled along the path that led towards the Gurnaf enclosure, An-Paj found himself smiling.


"It?ll be a change not to have to deal with Obi-Wan, for a once. He?s been in my charge so often that we were thinking renaming one of the wards after him."

"Hmmm." Muttered Yoda. "Spoken too soon, I fear you have."

"What?s wrong?" An-Paj asked curiously.

Yoda said nothing. He merely picked up his stick.


"Forwards." He said. The blow missed An-Paj by the narrowest of margins.

//Sith,// Thought An-Paj, //how did Qui-Gon ever survive long enough to become a Jedi Knight?//

**************

"Simeon!" shouted Obi-Wan. "You?re on fire!"

The padawan turned round. There were flames on his back. And on his precious padawan braid. In desperation, he started to roll about the ground, trying to smother the flames. The fire was surrounding them. It made Obi-Wan want to retch.

He took off his robe, and started to beat the flames off his friend. It was working, slowly.

"Kriffit!" yelped Simeon. "This is a wonderful way to round off a really bad day!"

"Hold still!" Obi-Wan screamed.

"Don?t just wave that cloak like you were a professional Nargot fighter! All your doing is fanning the flames!" Panic was just about to set in.

"I can hardly see," Obi-Wan yelled through the phantom flames, "the smoke?s so thick!"

Unaware of the strange looks the two were drawing from passers by, the hallucinating padawans continued to roll on the ground, until they felt the flames had been extinguished from their bodies. All around them the imaginary fire raged.


"There?s an automatic extinguisher by the enclosure," Obi-Wan said in an unnecessarily loud voice, "I?ll go fetch it. You stay and try to put out the flames!"

Obi-Wan fought his way through the non-existent fire. Qui-Gon would be proud at the way he had got the kids to safety so swiftly, jeopardizing himself in the process like the Jedi he was. Extinguisher?ah. There it was!

*****************************

An-Paj grimaced as they rounded the corner. The sight he saw was even worse than what he expected. A large circle of initiates was having a set-to by the bench. An impossibly green Simeon Cates was rolling on his back, in classic hallucinatory stage of Sandolomide poisoning. And somewhere nearby should be?


He scanned the area quickly with his eyes-

Just in time to see padawan Kenobi charging across the grass armed with a pressure extinguisher.

"Master Yoda!" He yelled. "Get down!"

Yoda opened his eyes as wide as they could, but that was all he had time for before Obi-Wan threw his cloak on top of him, pushing him to the ground. Obi-Wan tried valiantly to extinguish the fire that was threatening to

 

(Posted by Jemmiah)

**********

Jay Abran breathed a deep sigh of relief. It had taken over an hour, but he?d finally lost the little monsters.
It occurred to him that the whole exercise in bringing the initiates to the zoo was that they stayed with their padawans and didn?t get lost, but he couldn?t bring himself to care. Despite being fit, he was out of breath, leaning as he was against the tiled wall inside a fresher cubical. Perspiration lay in beads upon his brow, which he wiped on his sleeve. Panting, he tried to recover himself with the aid of the force. Damn Sithlings! It had been such a good day until then...

He groaned, putting a hand to his ribs. A stitch was never a pleasant thing to have. Nevermind, he thought optimistically, the force would soon help him put that right. He breathed deeply, drawing on the living force, feeling the healing energy flow through him. He directed it to his painful side, and then breathed out noisily. The relief he felt at out running that pack of cannoid wannabe?s was immense, and he found himself shaking just a little. Phew! It had been close.

He?d lost them in the park by relying on his superior reading of the force, and had taken shelter inside the nearest cubical he could find. He let out another groan. Qui-Gon would mince him for this.

Still breathing heavily, Abran wandered out from his private stall into the wash area, and found his jaw hanging down in utter shock. There, facing directly opposite him was ?

A large group of women.

What?!!! Screamed Abran inwardly. What were these ladies, of mixed age and varying degrees of attractiveness, doing inside the men?s facilities? And then he got it.

HE was in the ladies fresher room.

The gulp he gave was audible.

"Afternoon, ladies." Abran smiled shakily, "I?m sorry to barge in on your?er?private facilities, but you see?"

"He?s a sex pest!" The oldest pointed at him. "Why else would he be in here? He?s waiting to pounce on unsuspecting women when they?re at their most vulnerable!"

"No, no!" Abran tried to reassure them, whilst trying to put as much distance as possible between himself and his opposition, "I wouldn?t do that. I?m a Jedi."

"I don?t care if you?re Chancellor Valorum! I still say you?re a sex fiend!"

"Yeah!" Chorused the four other women. "He?s probably one of those stalkers you read about on the Holonet!"

"No, honestly," Abran started to edge towards the door, "I AM a Jedi. Really. You see, I?ve just come from the woods?"

"The woods?!" Shouted old and ugly, her face contorting with outrage, "The perfect place for an ambush!"

"You don?t understand," Jay argued hoarsely, "The children were?"

"Children!" Shrieked one of the other women, "He?s one of those molesters."

"I AM NOT!" Abran tried to defend himself.
"Then why all the heavy breathing? We heard you in there, mister, panting and groaning away like a Bantha in the rutting season." Growled one of the younger ones.

"Yeah. Weirdo!" Shouted another, preparing to hit him with her bag.

"No, I?ve been running!"

"From the security men, no doubt!" Hissed the old hag.

"Look," retorted Abran, getting a little annoyed, "Why should anyone want to attack you? Frankly, I wouldn?t molest you if you were the last human female in the galaxy, and before that I?d sooner take up molesting Nerf?s."

It wasn?t the brightest thing in the world for him to say at that moment, he thought, as they descended on him in unison. As he fell beneath an onslaught of handbags and cuddly, stuffed Gundark souvenirs, Jay Abran pondered why ladies always seemed to retreat to the fresher in groups?


*************

Jemmiah blinked up at Qui-Gon. "Are we at the hill yet?" She asked, disoriented.

"We passed the hill some time ago." Qui-Gon replied.

"Oh. Better put me down, then." She began to squirm in his arms, but he held on to her for a while longer.

"It?s been a few years since I did this." The Jedi muttered.

"What?" Jemmiah tried a smile. "Held a beautiful girl in your arms."

 

"Pfhtt." Said Yoda.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! I love that bit!

 

Posted by Jemmiah

***************

Kylenn?s body was beginning to ache with the concentration of keeping as still as she possibly could. She was managing reasonably well, she thought, but the initiates were beginning to get impatient.

?When can we move?? Asked a little boy.

?Shhh!? Replied Kylenn fearfully.

?I need to go to the fresher.? Said another boy.

?No you don?t. You only think you do.?

?I?m bored.? Grumbled the Wookie.

?Statues don?t get bored.? Replied Kylenn a little more waspishly than she meant.

?I don?t wanna be a statue. I'd like to play at Corellian Pirates.?

?Yeah!?

?Me too!?

?And me!?

?No you DON?T.? Kylenn insisted. She had to keep them quiet just a little longer. She could sense Master Jinn somewhere nearby. He?d certainly taken his time?

And then almost immediately she sensed someone else familiar. Her friend Jay Abran!

Her initial feeling of joy very quickly gave way to terror.

He tore towards her at a furious rate, darting and weaving from right to left as if pursued. She found herself screaming at him, ?Keep still!? as both he and his group of initiates mixed in amongst her group. From out the corner of her eye she saw Master Jinn and Jemmiah Gleshan standing, bewildered at the mixture of mayhem and madness, as cannoids and statues came together in an unconventional meeting.

?KEEP STILL!? She yelled again, and she turned and saw the ever-watchful eye staring down from behind the trees.

There was a low-pitched grumble from the creature?s throat.

And then all hell broke loose.

?What in the name of all things sacred is THAT!?

The voice was that of Jay Abran. A VERY scared Jay Abran, who found himself momentarily transfixed with fear.

Staring directly at him, studying him with intense scrutiny was a creature of the like he?d never come across before. Smooth, well-muscled skin, sleek and shiny like that of a snake stretched from the tip of its nose to the base of its considerably long tale. It was indeed as tall as a Rancor, with similar prehensile arms hanging uselessly by its chest, finished off with long, retractable claws, which Abran hoped was more for show than for actual use. Vaguely chameleon like, it flushed suddenly with a tinge of dark red right across its body. If that was indicative of the creature?s mood, Jay Abran felt that they might very well be in for a rough time.

Most impressive, however, was the gaping, hinge-like jaw. There were no visible teeth, but Abran?s force sense warned him that it was no less dangerous for all that. A forked, reptilian tongue darted forth from its mouth to taste the air, scenting the potential prey that stood terrified in its presence.

The tail twitched in warning, swinging angrily from side to side, almost flexing like a fist.

?When I said Tramp-Freighter sized mandibles, I was only joking!? Jemmiah shivered.

The sheer scale of the creature momentarily took Qui-Gon?s breath away. ?Big, isn?t it?? He remarked.

?You?ve really got the hang of this understatement business, haven?t you?? She swallowed, watching as the creature?s gaze alighted briefly on them both before switching its attention back to Abran and the initiates.

?I really have no wish to get further acquainted with it.?

Qui-Gon made up his mind quickly as another throaty growl vibrated from the creature?s throat. ?I?m going to distract it with the force.?

?You can?t try that mind-trick rubbish, it NEVER works for you!? She hissed. ?Anyhow, look at the size of that thing, it?ll have a brain the size of a corn husk rattling about inside that overgrown skull. It won?t have a mind to trick!?

?Just stay back and keep out of sight.? Qui-Gon bundled her behind a nearby shrub, regretting that he?d brought her into danger. If anything were to happen to her..

?You are MAD!? Retorted Jemmy as he walked directly over to the creature, his body swamped by the huge shadow cast by the enormous being. Jemmiah found herself shaking her head. If there was one possible fault in Master Jinn?s overly noble persona

 

Posted by Jemmiah

*********

Yoda looked down in distaste at the unconscious form of Obi-Wan Kenobi. There was still a lot of residual foam in his long ears that he couldn?t quite shift, no matter how hard he tried, and it was making conversation between himself, An-Paj and the hyperactive initiates extremely difficult. His annoyance at the two padawans had abated somewhat. Punishment could wait. Besides, it appeared that this was proving to be a most valuable lesson for everyone, and Yoda did not think that either Cates or Kenobi would be in a hurry to repeat their mistakes.
What he was going to say to the two missing Masters when he located them was ENTIRELY different.

He prodded Obi-Wan in the ribs with his stick.

?Do something for this one you can, hmmm?? He asked An-Paj, who was checking Kenobi?s pulse.

?Yes, Master Yoda. I?m going to take him back to the healers in the temple and insert a large tube into his stomach and suck out the entire contents.? He flushed guiltily. Dimallie had said she used three spoonfuls to dose the alcohol. More like thirty-three?

Yoda frowned. ?Pardon me, you will. Hear well I cannot.? He put his hand to his right ear.

?I said that we will have to insert?oh, nevermind.? An-Paj grumbled. ?As for that one,? he pointed at the sleeping Simeon; ?I?m going to use the biggest tube I?ve got.?

?Yes,? Yoda agreed sagely, ?getting hot it is.? He tipped his head to one side, allowing some of the foam to fall out of his ear.

An-Paj sighed. ?I never said it was getting hot. I said?Master Yoda, can you understand a word I?m saying??

?No. Staying we shall not be.? He waved his trusty stick in the air. ?Move we shall.?

The healer closed his eyes. ?We have to find Master Jinn. He wouldn?t just run away like that without a good reason.?

?Yes,? replied Yoda. ?Very hot for the season. But find Master Jinn, we should.?

?He?s with young Jemmiah, according to Cates.? He still refused to believe what the apprentice healer had told him. Qui-Gon was far too sensible to get mixed up with a teenage girl, not to mention that the girl in question was involved with Jinn?s padawan. And then there was that other unexpected piece of news that Simeon had let slip?

?Speak up you must!? Yoda prodded him hard in the leg.

//I won?t believe it until I hear Qui-Gon confirm it for himself// An-Paj thought silently. He?d known the Jedi for years. //Mind you, Jemmiah had many admirers within the temple, not just Kenobi...// An-Paj looked at his com-link.

?I could try and get him on this.?

Yoda nodded. ?Go to them we shall.? He glanced at the initiates, appraising them all. He needed the strongest and oldest to help.

?You.? He pointed at the little group. ?Girl with strange hair.?

Isadora pouted. ?Yes, Master Yoda.? She replied dutifully, fingering the step in her hair that had been caused by Toms scissors.

?Come. Need you, we shall.? Yoda proceeded to choose from the seven and eight year olds. ?Help us carry the padawans you will. Good exercise it will be.?

There was a groan that even Yoda could make out. He regarded them mischievously.

?Carry the padawans you will, or extra helpings of temple gruel will there be.?

Yoda noted with pleasure that even after well over eight hundred years, he still knew how children?s minds worked. Nothing changed.

And sadly, neither did the food.

**********



The stunned Kylenn had never seen anything so brave. Or stupid.

By attacking the creature with the branch, Jemmiah had almost certainly saved Qui-Gon?s life, except that her heroics had now placed her in the direst of situations. She?d finally stopped struggling as Qui-Gon had instructed her, but Kylenn thought that had more to do with prolonged constriction rather than obedience. From what she knew of Jemmiah, it wasn?t in her nature to give up, and her compliance worried Kylenn. She was breathing, but could get little in the way of oxygen, and Kylenn thought she could see her lips taking on a purplish tint.

She watched Qui-Gon as he worked to r

 

Typical male!

Yes, Qui-Gon I'm talking about you! Looks like to me that even Jedi need to learn the art of listening!

 

Posted by Jemmiah

*********BANG!

Bang, bang, bang?thump!

Obi-Wan felt himself slowly coming to. He knew he wasn?t moving under his own steam, yet he had the vaguest of notions that he WAS in motion. His left eye opened a tiny crack. Yes, he thought. He was definitely moving, although his brain couldn?t quite sort out the specifics. Kenobi tried to persuade his right eye to follow the example of its twin but he soon gave it up as a lost cause.

Why did it seem that the world was upside down?

He felt damned uncomfortable as the sky above and the grass by his side moved by far too rapidly for his taste. Obi-Wan tried to speak, to tell the legs he knew should be there but could not see to pack it in and give him a break.

?Mmmhhwhassgoiiinnnonnnn??

He wasn?t surprised when his rebellious anatomy did not respond to his question. Probably didn?t understand. Sith, he didn?t even understand!

Bang, bang, bang, thump, bang, bang?THWACK!

Ouch! Kenobi felt his head come in contact with something hard like a large rock. Which wasn?t too surprising, as the object WAS infact, a large rock.

That shouldn?t have happened, he thought.

Ah, yes, he realized. His head was being scraped along the ground. Not where it usually was, but it was there now. Which explained why his feet were absent without leave. He dared to risk a hasty glance upwards, and realized that he was in the undignified position of being dragged across a lawn by the legs, as if he were an old sack. By several small initiates.

Obi-Wan extended a protective hand towards his head and then lay still. In the background he heard voices muttering.

?Oh, now look what you?ve gone and done! You?ve dropped him!? said one voice.

?Have not!?

?Have so. He was beginning to wake up but you?ve gone and killed him!?

?He isn?t dead.?

?Bet he is. I heard the crack his skull made when his head hit that rock. He?s dead, and you killed him! They?ll put you away for that.?

?Yeah, you?re not allowed to kill padawans. It?s against the law. And anyway, Master Yoda doesn?t like it.? Cut in a third.

?But he?s NOT dead.?

?We can find out.?

?How??

?Wait a moment. I?ve got something here that?ll help??

There was a vague shuffling sound, as if someone was rummaging for something. Something told Obi-Wan he should be paying more attention than he was.

?He does look kinda dead, doesn?t he??

?That?s because he looks a bit green.?

?Master Jinn?s gonna be really mad if you?ve totaled him.?

?Then why didn?t you say something sooner??

?I was carrying his feet! I can?t do two things at once.? Grumbled a sarcastic voice.

There was some more scrambling about.

?Ah, it?s OK. I?ve got it.?

//Got what//, Obi-Wan wondered uneasily, desperately trying to persuade his eyes to open again.

?Right! This?ll prove it. I?m going to stick this in his side??

?EEEEEEEYYYYOWWWWWCCCHHHH!? Yelped Kenobi sitting up instantly.

Isadora looked surprised. ?We thought you were dead.?

?Carry on like that and I soon will be.? Obi-Wan growled, snatching away a long, sharp and extremely rusty brooch pin. ?What?s the big idea dragging me along the ground as if I were a mattress or something??

?You?re too heavy!? Isadora complained. ?Master Yoda said we had to carry you and padawan Cates back to the transport.?

?Master Yoda?s here?? Squeaked Obi-Wan in dismay.

?Yes. Don?t you remember??

?Should I?? Kenobi gulped.

?You opened a fire extinguisher on him.?

//Oh, hellfire//, Obi-Wan grimaced to himself. This was not good. Extinguishing a Jedi master was an extremely serious offence.

?I don?t remember.? He held his head.

?Happy to remind you, I will be.? Muttered Yoda, who had suddenly appeared by his side. He seemed to be tipping his head to the right. ?Walk, you can?? He asked Kenobi.

Obi-Wan looked round. His head was clearing, but his vision was still blurry. And the sky still looked too pink.

?No.? He confessed to Yoda.

The older Jedi frowned. ?Then continue carrying you, we will!?

?What?s

 

Yoda, I wouldn't laugh too hard. You never know what's around the corner!

So what's the score now? Alderanni Kid 3, Mace 0??

 

Posted by Jemmiah

***********

Dylain Bonar?s hand rested somewhat shakily on the long barrel of his harpoon tranquilizer gun. His old nemesis the Krayt Dragon was loose.

And he was more than ready.

He?d worked his way up through the ranks steadily over the years, from a junior keeper to a more senior post. Now he was running the whole show. It had taken him twenty-five years to do it. All through that time, he had one constant source of irritation: the damned dragon. It was a menace to the keepers, a menace to the public and ornery to boot. Not to mention ugly.

He?d even called her Betsy, in honor of his wife, to whom there was more than a passing resemblence...

He?d always sworn that should the opportunity to settle a score with the vicious Betsy ever present itself, HE was the one that would be first in line. He fingered the barrel lovingly with the three remaining fingers he had left on his non-artificial hand. If only he could stop shaking!

It wasn?t fear, he decided. It might be excitement. Yes, that was it.

Or else it could be the anti-depressants.

No matter. As long as his aim was good, then maybe HE could get a blow in first, before that Sith slime of a giant deprived him of any more of his anatomy.

He heard a rustle in the bushes, and jumped about ten feet in the air. Matching the sight to his eyeline he unsteadily waited for his quarry to charge at him through the bushes with that blood-curdling scream, sounding a challenge. He knew she had come this way because her tracks had headed of in this direction. Dylain said a silent prayer to steady both his nerves and his sight.

There was some more movement, and then;

A little boy appeared from out of the bushes and started to relieve himself behind one of the large Floradenia plants.

?What do you think you?re doing?? He snapped irritably.

The Alderaani kid replied. ?What does it look like? I have to go! I can?t wait anymore. Master Windy?s being attacked by something and the excitement got too much for me, I guess.?

?ATTACKED!? Yelled Dylain. ?Where??

?By the pond.? The boy answered. ?He keeps flapping his arms about and yelling about being eaten alive.?

?Stay here, kid!? Screamed the keeper. ?I?ll save your friend.?

Dylain charged through the bushes and plants towards the pond. He only hoped he wouldn?t be too late.

******************

?I really, really, really, really, REALLY can?t stand that Alderaani kid.? Windu hissed through clenched teeth. He closed his eyes, trying to locate him with the force. ?This way.? He jerked his head to the left.

?Why couldn?t you have drugged HIM??

?I didn?t drug anyone!? Bai protested.

?Oh, yes...I forgot. Qui-Gon?s the expert when it comes to that sort of thing.? Groused the dark Jedi master. ?Sith! Can?t he stay still for more than five minutes? We turn our backs for a couple of seconds and then he?s off like a vrelt up a sewer pipe.?

He stopped suddenly and raised a warning hand to his young companion.

?Shhh!? He squinted ahead into the undergrowth. ?I think I can hear him.?

?What are you going to do??

Windu grinned nastily. ?I?m going to give him a shock he?ll never forget!? He started to raise his mental shields, stalking his victim like a cannoid with a rat. Soundlessly, his feet almost floated across the broken twigs. He peered through the bushes and saw a flash of beige.

AHA! There he was!

Mace turned round to signal triumphantly to Bai, and stepped suddenly on a twig with an extremely loud snap!

?GOTCHA, YOU UGLY??

The words that Windu heard were accompanied by a whizzing noise and then soon after by the most excruciating pain in his butt, as the harpoon tranquilizer shot buried itself in the target area of the Jedi master?s rear end. He gave a strangled sound halfway between a cry and a yelp, before the tranquilizer began to take effect.

?Betsy?? Dylain?s voice shouted in confusion as he came upon the still form of Master Windu.

?That?s Master Windy!? The Alderaani kid smiled. ?I didn?t know his name was B

 

So Mace thinks he's a duck... I know that Yoda would LOVE to get his little hands on that tranquilzer to excite some of the more boring council sessions!

Just a warning Jay. You better stop before you end up dead. Didn't you see what Jemmiah did to that snake creature??

 

Got a ways back to go...

"I still feel that Merdan is going to find me. And kill me. I?ve never doubted it."

The statement left Qui-Gon cold.

*Adds another point to the tally*

LOL!!!! I forgot about the snake!!!

And the fire extinguisher... and the ticks... and Jay force-pinching Jemmy...

LMAO!! Too great!!

 

Posted by Wampy and Jemmiah

**************


The Coruscant zoo was madness. Pure madness. It was supposed to be closed, but no employee had had the time to close it. Thankfully, most people had been smart enough to have left already. All manner of chaos roamed the pathways. Things could not get any worse. Meanwhile, outside, the sun had slowly begun to sink below the horizon and finally it disappeared altogether...then night was upon them.

Things got worse.

******

They sat there. Waiting.

The sky was getting very dark. Qui-Gon looked around him at his several companions. Jay Abran, as subdued as the Jedi master had ever seen him. Kylenn, who had her eyes closed either through sheer exhaustion or simply saying a silent prayer for their salvation. Jemmiah sat shivering next to him, feeling the effects of what he could only describe as a momentous day. Dotted all around were Kylenn?s five initiates, looking smaller and more vulnerable than their few precious years. The Wookie was only young, but the branch he was sat upon was almost bending under his weight.

And down below, Abran?s initiates circled the tree they were sat in.

Yoda would know all about the whole fiasco by now. There would be little point in trying to cover up the series of mishaps that had beset them since their arrival at the zoo as Yoda would soon see through any deception. He knew Qui-Gon of old.

He thought through the whole grizzly affair. Primarily, he was most concerned how they were going to get back to the temple, but if he were honest at the back of his mind was the perpetual worry over his padawan and his former ward. There was more to this matter than met the eye, and Qui-Gon had the sneaking feeling that Mace was involved somewhere along the line. And if he HAD been helping the two of them to meet in secret?

Jinn dismissed the annoyance he felt rise within him. Anger would do no good. Anyway, he had no proof.

Yet.

Jemmiah was staring off into the sky. Evla would be getting worried by now. And what about Ben and Simeon? Surely they must be looking for them?

?SOMEONE must be looking for us.? She said in a quiet voice. She hadn?t really meant to say it out loud.

Qui-Gon looked at her.

?You should rest. We may be here sometime.?

?Why?? She got angry. ?You?re s?posed to be a Jedi master. Why don?t you do something??

?I?m open to suggestions.? Answered the master in a reasonable voice.

?They?re only kids, for Siths sake.?

?Those 'kids' pulled off and ate one of your boots.? Qui-Gon replied pointedly.

?Yeah. Won?t be reimbursed for them, will I?? She sulked. "I hope it gives them a bellyache!"

Silence flooded the wooded area, save for the strange cawing and growling of unidentified creatures. The tension that filled the dusky sky was palpable. Just when he thought she?d calmed down, she surprised him by snatching at her other boot, jerking it off her foot and wielding it in her left hand. He saw a flash of pain on her face, superseded quickly by fury.

?Infact,? she yelled at the initiates below, ?you might as well have the other one seeing as how you?ve got such a taste for leather!? The remaining boot was hurled out of the tree, followed by a whining sound as it hit one of the kids bellow.

?Jemmiah!? Qui-Gon replied sharply and grabbed hold of her arm. ?Sit back down.?

?Yes, why not?? She assumed a mock-carefree attitude. ?After all, there?s nothing else to do is there??

?Is she all right?? Abran mouthed.

?What is the matter with you?? Qui-Gon?s voice rose in desperation.

?What?s the matter?? She let incredulity bleed into her Corellian accent. ?It?s fast approaching night, there?s a bunch of lupine Sithspawn chomping it?s way through my wardrobe and I?m stuck up a tree with a load of crazy people who can?t even walk into a zoo without getting arrested for kidnapping or forming dubious attachments to furry animals!?

?Or chaining people to railings on top of ant hills.? Jinn shot back.

Jemmiah didn?t have an answer.

She sat herself back down; taking

 

HEHEHE!! Serves Jay right...

 

I agree with Miana! Serves Jay right!

After all it is his fault that they're stuck in the tree being hunted by cannoid initiates.

Must be hormones??? Qui, you are treading on dangerous ground with that one!

 

Posted by Jemmiah

***********

An-Paj considered that it might be a worthwhile, and financially rewarding experience if he wrote his memoirs. Today?s events would figure prominently.

Padawan?s Kenobi and Cates had, after a considerable struggle, been carried back towards the direction of the transport: in Kenobi?s case with great discomfort. He had a Biwacalla egg-sized lump on his head caused by being dropped by the initiates during their journey and a nasty nettle rash on the side of his face. The green tinge to his skin was visible, but nowhere near as pronounced as that of Simeon. He was also ranting about being stabbed in the side by a pin-wielding maniac, and for some unknown reason had nearly passed out in fear when An-Paj had produced a thermometer to take his temperature.

That one always did have a phobia about healers, An-Paj thought, which was hardly surprising considering the amount of time he?d spent in their company. Starved, beaten, tortured, half-drowned, burned, gassed, flayed?and that had been before the boy had turned eighteen. Sometimes An-Paj thought that Kenobi was on a one-man mission to single handedly deplete the galaxy of its Bacta supplies.

Cates had been mercifully asleep from virtually the moment they?d found him. Mercifully for everyone else, that was. He was a very dark shade of green, something the healer felt extremely guilty about. Sandolomide was powerful stuff if you used it in extreme doses. It could trigger violent mood swings and personality changes within moments, and the hallucinations that the two padawans had experienced were fairly classic symptoms of Sandolomide poisoning. An-Paj knew that the best way of relieving them both of the symptoms was not a pleasant one, but a necessary evil all the same. Kenobi was not going to be too pleased to wake up in the hospital having had his stomach pumped AGAIN.

And the fault was arguably Dimallie?s on both of the occasions. He hoped she never got the chance to visit him in the ward, as Kenobi was a legendary aim with a bedpan?

Simeon had woken up only once on their journey back, when a Firvad-Screamer Monkey Squirrel had jumped on him whilst the initiates had stopped for a break in their exertions. It had started doing rather obscene and unspeakable things to the apprentice?s leg, but Cates had either seemed to enjoy the experience or be too exhausted to care. And the initiates were fortunately too young to understand what was going on.

Darkness had descended rather quickly. Despite his best efforts to contact Masters Jinn and Windu neither responded to his calls on their comlink frequencies. And something strange was happening in this place. All the enclosures seemed to be bereft of animals. Probably had something to do with the fact they were all outside perpetrating acts of dubious moral standards against helpless, inebriated padawans.

One of the initiates had been sick. This had triggered off virtually every one of the kids to do likewise, until the pathway that they had walked over was a veritable trail of vomit. It had set Kenobi off, and that had NOT been pretty, considering what he?d had to drink. And so it had continued for the last ten minutes. Kenobi was in a rather sorry state. His color was poor, his head was thumping and there was sick hanging on his braid. Qui-Gon would have been deeply unhappy with his Padawan?s appearance had he been there to see it. He?d have got him treatment at the healers initially and then when he was sufficiently recovered he would have killed him. Just ever so slightly.

Something strange was happening to Master Yoda. An-Paj wasn?t sure what to make of it, as the aging Jedi master didn?t exactly move with fluidity at the best of times, but it did appear as if he were just a little on the rigid side. He seemed to walk with his knees straight, and his skin seemed somewhat stretched to look at, as if tightened over a drum.

//Curious//, thought An-Paj.

?Master Yoda, are you feeling OK?? He ventured.

The reply was difficult to make out as Yoda barely moved

 

Posted by Jemmiah

***********

Hours didn?t fly past. Minutes loitered with intent, and then loitered some more. Father time was dragging his heals, clearly intent on prolonging the ordeal for his own sick entertainment.

//I wish I were back home in the temple//, thought Kylenn somewhat morosely. //A proper bed to sleep in...a chance to change out of these robes and shower...and a drink of warm milk with Alderaanian Cinnamon sprinkled on the top. My Master will be beside herself with worry! How on Coruscant do I explain this away?//

//I wish I knew how to deal with this little ?situation? between my padawan and Jemmiah//, thought Qui-Gon bleakly. //Part of me is dreading the disruption this is going to bring to all our lives. Bringing up a child is not a responsibility to be taken likely. The personal sacrifices are tremendous; in fact she probably doesn?t even appreciate the hard work and long term commitment required in looking after another being. Has she ever committed herself to anything long term? Does she even LIKE children? What sort of mother will she make? More to the point, what sort of father is my padawan going to make?

Sith! What sort of stand in grandfather am I going to make?//

//I wish this tree were bigger//, whined the Wookie to himself.

//I wish Obi-Wan were here so that we could discuss his irresponsibility//, Qui-Gon bit his lip.

Jemmiah opened an eye and stared at Jay Abran.

//I wish someone would get him castrated//, she thought.

Abran had unfortunately woken up some twenty minutes ago. The sleep that Master Jinn had induced may very well have been a little on the strong side from his point of view, but for Jemmiah the peace and quiet had been a gift from the Gods. She didn?t like the way he kept looking at her and smiling that insufferably cheeky smile. The one that meant he was up to no good, or at the least planning to be up to no good.

//I wish I knew what he was planning, she frowned. If he so much as pinches my rear?//

//I wonder if the child will have his green-blue eyes or her copper ones//, Qui-Gon mused.

//I think I?m going to be sick again//, Jemmiah thought queasily.

//It?s bound to inherit the reddish brown hair, seeing they both have that coloring//, Qui-Gon made his mind up.

//I wish that Wookie wouldn?t shuffle about so much//, Kylenn grimaced. //He?s bending and shaking the tree about something terrible.//

//Actually, it might not be so bad. I think I could get used to be a grandfather//, Qui-Gon smiled.

//I wish I wasn?t so hungry//, the ET and his companions sighed collectively.

From out of the silence there came a sudden snap! Followed by the merest hint of a rustle of a plasti-packet. All ears became instantly alert.

?Master Jinn, I?m beginning to hear things.? Whimpered Zibacca the Wookie.

?Me too,? Kylenn groaned. ?I thought I heard the sound of someone opening a packet of chips.?

Despite all efforts to tell his stomach to obey, Qui-Gon felt his own body telling himself he needed to eat, rather more loudly than he thought was becoming the dignity of a Jedi Master.

?That happens sometimes when people are hungry.? He responded. ?But I?m afraid in our case it?s definitely wishful thinking. I know for a fact that if anyone here actually HAD any food, they would do the decent thing and share it out. Wouldn?t they??

?Yes master.? Came back several reluctant voices at once.

?Good.? Qui-Gon nodded his approval. ?I?m glad to see you?re all so fair. Honesty is a very important part of the Jedi code. Without it we would?actually, I think I can smell chips, too!?

?Uuurghh!? Jemmiah squeezed her eyes shut even tighter. ?I thought we had a deal. You said we would NOT mention food.?

?Sorry.? Qui-Gon apologized. ?We are letting our imagination run away with us.?

There was complete quiet for some half a minute.

?I CAN smell chips.? Qui-Gon insisted, peering into the dark to ascertain whom the guilty party was.

?Master Jinn, PLEASE!? Jemmiah placed a hand over one ear.

?Own up.? Qui-Gon s

 

LMAO!!!!!!!

Can't really say anything more than that!!!