Live the Adventure! (or not) Humorous EU fiction

I never really cared for fanfiction as I considered it a waste of time for someone such as myself (Snobbery 2:14), but I do like a good laugh. And I've already written some pieces mocking scenes in EU. Nothing like a scene from say...Vision of The Future. More like my own scene with the insanity of the authors mixed in. I started late in my EU life (97) and the more I read EU the more cliches are brought up. Such as Luke reaching for his lightsaber whenever someone might be sneaking up on him. Even if it's his friend. So the purpose of this thread is for people who want to show the insanity of how ridiculous some scenes in EU can be and do not want to write a fanfic. Just show off their comedic ability. I shall start.

"Lando Calrissian settled on the planet of Jarvis III and while he was there he and Tendra setup the first intergalactic freak show. Exhibits including the 'Galaxy's fattest Hutt' and the 'Dog boy of Coruscant'. Of course the crown jewel of this whole exhibit was his mockery Jedi Knight, full with robes that were too big for his body and a lightsaber that usually blew up in his hand. It was a fine exhibit and all went away laughing their orifices off. No-one knew why Lando started up these businesses. Though they suspected that he'd always been an opportunist given how he blew up the Death Star II. He flew his friend's ship into battle. They say it was because he did not want to lose his own ship if something happened. So, the life of a military hero notwithstanding he started up these businesses whose value was only until the next big war came along and smashed it to pieces.

Up in the sky the clouds became gray as thousands of Imperial dropships broke orbit and were headed right for his business and to break up the party. Apparently they needed to re-fill their entertainment on Imperial planets and to bring the freaks of the galaxy to bare on the regular citizens. Oh well, maybe another planet at a another time Lando thought as they invaded his tents."


Now that's not the greatest and I'm sure others could do better, but that's sort of what this thread's going for in terms of writing.

 

Not sure if this is in the right location. It is definately a good idea though!

 

It's the right location. I'm not asking for a full story. Just be funny.

 

Up, with a new passage.

"He was a Sith Lord, but not like any Sith Lord before him. The man craved not money nor power, nor did he even crave vengeance. No, this Sith Lord became who he is today because his pet bantha, Petunia, talked him into it. As silly as that may sound it is not unheard of. The famous historian Roshambo Gerodie often said, "Banthas seemed as if they could talk. And one day I heard them call my name." It was at that very moment that the history of the banthas and their ways changed in the eyes of galactic citizens. Now they no longer seemed like pets, but as sentient beings bent on dominating the galaxy with their droppings. This is another rather unheard of thing. Their droppings smelled, sure, but they had such a pungent odor that it caused most to flee at a sniff. Now they're on mostly every planet, plotting on taking over. And with the help of a Sith Lord they may just do that."

 

Ooh, EU cliches! Where to start?

"Wedge, I'll get right to the point. There's a shuttle waiting outside to deliver you to the frontline to fight whatever the hell new alien species is bent on galactic destruction this time," the office told him gruffly.

Wedge Antilles, now standing in his living room in naught but a robe, had been preparing for an evening alone with Iella when the NR Intelligence officer had arrived and insisted entrance. "So what? I'm retired. How many times do I-"

"Look, General... frankly, there's no one else. Somehow in the last twenty years, we've completely failed to train any new adequate military leaders. Help us, General Antilles. You're our only hope. Plus, there's a Special Ops unit hiding in your cubbard if you say no."

Wedge considered for a moment. He heard Iella stir in the bedroom. "Wedgy-poo, are you coming back to bed...?"

With a sigh, Wedge knew what he had to do. "Alright, but on one condition. I get to be the rude, sarcastic strategic genius who plays by his own rules and insult whoever I like."

"Deal."

Whether he liked it or not, Wedge was out of retirement and single-handedly winning battles once again.

 

I love it!

 

I tried writing some, but all the parodies and shoe-horning of the prequels into the stories just sounded like a passage from the Dark Nest books.

E_S

 

"Oh no, another Jedi turning to the dark side. Whatever will happen to us? Will they take mercy on us? Will we be enslaved? Will our planet blow up? Please Sith, show us your greatest hits." Bizzle Toff asked pleadingly.

Looking down to his prey Darth Ridiculously Dangerous Sounding Name grinned menacingly, "Just wait and see. We will have grander explosions and more people dying. Sith like to kill and it shows." Darth Name said gravely since all dark siders had to have raspy/mechanical voices. He dressed in all black and carried a red lightsaber on his waist. Effectively completing the dark sider look. His hair was also a mess, all Sith had to have the dark menacing look. It was their costume. Jedi had ridiculous beards and Sith had the black, because black is powerful. Pastels just would not work on a Sith.



EDIT: I challenge one regular EUC'er besides lexu or any of the older crowd to come in here and try this. There's no reward, just shock.

 

Ooh, The Sith's Greatest Hits! I hope they do another reunion tour soon...

 

Oh you know them, they're like Kiss; first you think they're retired and then BAM! A reunion tour with planets exploding and people dying.

 

No, that's pretty much a KISS tour, verbatim.

E_S

 

Is it just me or is this thread as popular as a reggae band at a Klan convention?

 

Just not many oldbies around. But, I do think this was a better idea than Reggae.

 

I'm not really into the whole fanfic thing anymore, even if it is for a good cause.

 

Yes, I agree. But reggae was at least popular for about a minute.

 

Uppity. Live damn you, live!

 

I thought of this on the spot. This is a parody of that Darth Vader book right after RoTS.

Clone: I'm sorry sir, but we have orders to kill you. I'm willing to allow you to escape, though.

Roan Shryne: Huh, how did this happen?

Clone: I know, we trained 1.2 million clones to follow an order to kill the Jedi and you never found out. Don't you guys ever do inspections?

I know, it sucks. But it's all I could think of on the spot.

 

This is Luke Skywalker, Jedi Master. The most powerful and wise being in the galaxy for a thousand generations

He may have mastered the force but he?s yet to master the force ? of Love.

Numerous attempts have failed miserably. Princess Leia Organa, Shira Brie, Gaeriel Captisom, Tenniel Djo, Mara Jade, Callista. The list is as long as his lightsaber.

Lets watch as he tries to find love in a seedy Mos Eisley Cantina

?

We see him enter, looking around. He spots a moderately attractive red haired green-eyed woman sitting at the bar. Cautiously, he sits down next to her. He stares for what seems like an eternity before?

?Er, hi.?

The woman turns, looks him up and down and says seductively ?Hey handsome. Is that your lightsaber or are you just pleased to see me??

Fumbling around in his pants pocket, Luke says nervously ?No, its just my lightsaber. (More excitedly) Do you want to see me play with it!!?

?Um, er, no thanks. Good luck with the whole Jedi thing?

She turns around. Luke, disappointed, starts to get up. He fails to notice that his cloak is caught under his stool leg. He trips over, falls flat on his face and inadvertently sends out an unrestrained force shove.

He looks up to see the woman he failed miserably with flat against the cantina wall, her body pressed to the width of a millimetre. Hurriedly Luke leaves the cantina.

?

Later on, we see Luke open up his little black book and calls someone on his comlink.

?Hello, Mara Jade? This is Luke Skywalker. I know you were trying to kill me and everything, but how about we go and get a coffee??

 

The battle raged on. Lightsabers flashing, Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker were making short work of the platoon of battle droids sent to destroy them.

Slicing yet another droid into its constituent components, Anakin proffered a grin to his mentor. "I have a good feeling about this, Master".

"Be mindful, Anakin," Obi-Wan advised. His warning proved to be aptly-timed, for no sooner had he uttered it than a new enemy joined the fray; a thin, insectile being Obi-Wan recognized as a Blood Carver.

The newcomer approached Anakin, hefting a blaster rifle. "Hey, slave scum. How's your mother?" he sneered.

At this, Anakin grew angry, his eyes clouding, his expression darkening. He summoned a burst of the Force that caused the Blood Carver to explode from the inside-out. As chunks of Blood Carver soaked into his robe, Obi-Wan glanced over at his apprentice. "Anakin, that blatant display of dark side power wasn't very becoming of a Jedi."

"I'm deeply sorry, Master," Anakin said, plucking the Blood Carver's mangled heart from what was left of its smoking body. Obi-Wan appeared placated by Anakin's apology, and didn't mind Anakin crushing the heart in his fist. The battle continued, still in favour of the Jedi duo. Suddenly, a battle droid popped up from behind a rock and fired at Anakin. He twisted to avoid it, but the bolt burned through his robe, leaving a charred hole in the fabric. Anakin's eyes locked on the battle droid now looking slightly sheepishly at his blaster.

As the acrid smell of Force lightning faded, and the battle droid's limbs stopped sparking with blue energy, Obi-Wan raised an eyebrow at Anakin. "I'm ever-so-sorry, Master. Again," Anakin said in response to Kenobi's unspoken question. Obi-Wan shrugged, and turned his mind back to the battle.

Just then, a small, one-being transport landed on the battlefield, disgorging a small figure wearing an unflattering uniform of bright reds and oranges. He approached Anakin warily. "Uhh, sorry to bother you, sir..."

"It's no problem," Anakin said pleasantly, cleaving through the verbrobraincase of a nearby battle droid.

The boy continued. "I'm here to tell you that the modified Delta-7 Aethersprite-class light interceptor designated Azure Angel and registered to a Mr. Anakin Skywalker has been parked on a double yellow spaceline, and has been clamped. The fine is to be twenty Republic cr..."

That was as far as the boy got before having his throat ripped out by Anakin's mechanical hand. Screaming in rage, Skywalker then jammed his lightsaber into the boy's stomach, boiling its contents while he took a bite out of the throat in his hand. For good measure, Anakin stomped on the boy's head as it hit the ground, then shoved a thermal detonator into his gaping mouth.

Shielding his eyes from the explosion, Obi-Wan turned to Anakin with a quizzical stare. "Anakin," he asked as the blood-covered Padawan ambled up to him, wiping his mouth. "Is anything troubling you?"

Anakin pondered this for a moment. "Er, no. No, not really, Master."

"Oh, that's alright then. Come on, let's get back to Coruscant. There's a bottle of Corellian ale with my name on it."

The two Jedi departed the battlefield chatting amiably.


* There's my contribution. A slightly exxagerated version of all the little hints Obi-Wan completely fails to pick up

 

Haha...I like it. Keep 'em coming.