Love is grand. Divorce is a !&*@(

Discussion in 'Archive: Your Jedi Council Community' started by Souderwan, Jan 27, 2012.

  1. Souderwan Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Jun 3, 2005
    star 6
    So after 16 yrs and now one aborted attempt at reconciliation, and months of counseling, my wife and I just broke down and told our son that we're separating.

    Definitely the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.

    My wife put it best after the conversation. "Now what?"


    So that's where I've been. What've you all been up to?


  2. LAJ_FETT Tech Admin and Collecting/Games Mod

    Administrator
    Member Since:
    May 25, 2002
    star 9
    That sucks. I'm sorry to hear you and your wife are splitting.
  3. JoinTheSchwarz Comms Admin & Community Manager

    Administrator
    Member Since:
    Nov 21, 2002
    star 8
    Congrats, Noundy. Very happy for you. :)
  4. Souderwan Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Jun 3, 2005
    star 6
    Thanks to both of you.
  5. Mar17swgirl Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Dec 26, 2000
    star 7
    So sorry to hear that, Brian. :(
  6. Katya Jade Administrator Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Jan 19, 2002
    star 7
    Sucks. Sorry, Brian.

    And welcome back.
  7. Souderwan Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Jun 3, 2005
    star 6
    Thanks, Guys. I'm ok for the most part. I just wish my son didn't have to go through this crap.

  8. Eeth-my-Koth Chosen One

    Member Since:
    May 25, 2001
    star 9
  9. Mortimer_Snerd Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 14, 2004
    star 6
    My younger son is three, and when I began the divorce process he was just about to turn two, so he's pretty much ok with everything. My older son is seven and about to be eight, and he's had a hard time with it. I never disparage their mother in front of them, I guess that's the biggest thing, and their future step-mom is extremely affectionate and attentive to their feelings, so we're lucky in that aspect.

    Yeah divorce sucks. It's expensive, annoying, and oh so worth it. I don't miss my horrible ex-wife at all.

    If you guys can be mature and amicable throughout the process, more power to you.

  10. Souderwan Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Jun 3, 2005
    star 6
    I appreciate your input, dude. I don't hate my wife. Frankly, it'd be easier to leave if I did, I think. So far, we've been reasonably amicable about the whole thing and my son seems to be taking it well.

    I'm mostly sitting on eggshells at the moment, trying not to smother him but still be there for him as much as he needs. 14 is a weird age. I remember getting some pretty ****ty news when I was 14 and I didn't really start dealing with what it meant to me until I was in my early 20's.

    My wife and I did agree never to disparage each other and not to restrict my access to him in any way. I'm moving only 4 miles away so I'll be close to him, should he need me. The rest is just...stuff. I'm pretty much giving her everything in the house except stuff that has deep personal meaning to me. We agreed not to fight over stuff, so if she says no to something I want, I'll probably just let her keep it.
  11. Healer_Leona Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Jul 7, 2000
    star 9
    Happy and sad for you Brian. I know how that is after a long time. Even when it's not working it's tough to make that final decision.

    As to your son going through this... my kids, though adults felt it was better then the years of watching us on the argue/try reconcile/argue/try reconcile merry-go-round. It really was the best for me at least. And though often very lonely, I know I'm better off on my own.

    [:D] [:D] [:D]
  12. Everton Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Jul 18, 2003
    star 10
    Sorry for you Brian. Life moves on, though. Sometimes it must move on. I hope that - given the chance you seem to have given the relationship and the thoughtful way I always imagine you approach life - this will ultimately turn out to be most progressive of the options available to you.
  13. Souderwan Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Jun 3, 2005
    star 6
    That's kind of what I'm hoping for, Frieda. We never fought in front of him but I was finding it more and more difficult to be around her without getting angry. I never want to be even remotely abusive--verbally or otherwise--so I think the best thing for all involved is for me to remove myself from the situation.

    And thanks, Chris. You really know how to make a guy not hate himself. :p
  14. VadersLaMent Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Apr 3, 2002
    star 9
    At least now it sounds like a peaceful separation and not a horrid nightmare.
  15. Sauntaero Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jul 9, 2003
    star 4
    Best wishes. I'm sure it's a real tough place to be in now, but it'll all work out for the best. [:D]
  16. Mortimer_Snerd Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 14, 2004
    star 6
    From what you've said so far, I gotta say I'm a little envious. I'm going on two years of the divorce process, and it's ugly. I should also state for the record that I don't hate my ex-wife, I simply don't care about her anymore. It's easy (and often funny) to make hateful remarks about her, but they're never serious. I do hate what she's been putting me and the boys through, which is a very long story, but I don't hate her.

    I truly believe that if you can maintain civility and maturity your divorce process will be much smoother. It sounds simple enough, but it goes beyond squabbling over material items.

    I wish the best for you and your son.

  17. tom Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Mar 14, 2004
    star 6
    i know from experience that it takes a while to get to the happy times, but you'll get there. you'll end up knowing that this was the best decision for your family, but in the meantime things will probably be a bit rough. stay strong and feel free to shoot me a pm anytime.
  18. ApolloSmileGirl Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 18, 2004
    star 8
    At the same time, it's better than to live in a household with parents that are in a loveless marriage. It may be hard for him for a while, but when he gets older, he'll that you did the right thing. I know you've felt this way for a while, and were waiting a few years for him to get older, but he IS old enough now to at least understand.

    [:D]
  19. Souderwan Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Jun 3, 2005
    star 6
    Mortimer, I feel for you, dude. I think it helps that we both adore our son and love him more than anything. It also helps that there's very little point in trying to punish me with money since every dime that goes to the lawyers don't go to her. We've decided to do the collaborative separation/divorce thing and I highly recommend it to anyone who ever goes through something like this. Makes a big difference.

    tom: I might take you up on that PM thing. That was truly profound, man. Wish I'd heard that last week. :p

  20. Vincent-Kenobi Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 4, 2008
    star 3
    Sorry to to hear that, man. Hope everything eventually works out. [:D]
  21. tom Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Mar 14, 2004
    star 6
    it's from his "hilarious" special. it's on netflix and i highly recommend it if you find time to watch it.
  22. Darth Guy Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Aug 16, 2002
    star 10
    Two of his standups and the first season of his FX show are on streaming. They are awesome.
  23. Darth Morella Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Apr 5, 2004
    star 6
    I am also happy and sad for you. More happy than sad, though. Good luck, Bri.
  24. Souderwan Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Jun 3, 2005
    star 6
    Watching "Hilarious" now. This guy is hilarious.

    Thanks, Sonia. I know you're happy. :p
  25. Koohii Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    May 30, 2003
    star 5
    There's the old saw "Why is divorce so expensive? Because it is WORTH it!"

    That was certainly my experience.
    Yeah, it is going to suck even worse than the worst break-up you ever had while dating, esp with a kid involved.
    On the other hand, he's going to be getting a lot of attention.

    Just don't try to use him as a tool in personal warfare with your ex-to-be.