Beyond - Legends Love to be Loved (Raynar songfic, LoTF, angst)

Ok, so, you know how Raynar got ONE STINKING PARAGRAPH in Betrayal
that basically said he's locked up in the basement still getting treated? Yeah, that KINDA BUGGED ME JUST A LITTLE BIT. I mean, hello, some of us actually WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM, AND IF HE'S STILL GETTING HEALED AFTER ALL THESE YEARS, WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING TO HIM IS CLEARLY NOT WORKING!

Not that I'm bitter or anything. Oh no. Where did you get that silly idea?

But, yeah, basically, this is my irate responce to that. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: Song is 'Love to be Loved' by Peter Gabriel

*****

So, you know how people are
When it's all gone much too far
The way their minds are made
Still, there's something you should know
That I could not let show
That fear of letting go

When I left the Colony, I thought it would help. I thought that for once I made the right choice, that for once my sacrifice was the right one, that everything would be alright. I thought wrong. I should have known it was too easy, should not have expected everything to work out in the end. I mean, it never has before for me. I guess I just thought that it was impossible for things to get worse.

But of course they could, because they always do. At least for me. I?m not some hero who saves the galaxy and gets to live happily ever after. I?m just the kid who made too many mistakes, who never really fit in, and who ended up here in this empty room that?s more of a prison than a hospital, despite how much they try to pretend otherwise. Sometimes I wonder how long I?ve been here, but it?s impossible to guess. Time seems a lot longer when you?re alone.

I thought maybe I could deal with this emptiness, that I could heal and learn to be alone. I knew it was going to hurt, but I also knew the other Joiners had survived. But it?s been years, and I still wake up screaming every night with no one there to hear me but myself. When I first came here, the healers used to come running to check on me, to lie and tell me it was going to be alright and I was going to get better. They don?t bother anymore. I guess they?ve just accepted the reality that there?s nothing they can do, and that I?m going to be like this for the rest of my life.

And in this moment, I need to be needed
With this darkness all around me, I like to be liked
In this emptiness and fear, I want to be wanted
'Cause I love to be loved
I love to be loved
Yes, I love to be loved

This silent, white room is virtually empty, now. They?ve taken away anything that I could have used to kill myself. Force knows I keep trying, and I don?t understand why they keep stopping me. It?s not like I?m anything but a burden to them, some task they have to perform, a patient they have to take care of. Honestly, I think it might be better for everyone if they would just let me succeed in one of my suicide attempts, but I know they would never agree with me on that point. They?re healers; they?re not allowed to.

Maybe that?s how they?re able to blind themselves to the truth, to keep pretending that I?m getting better, that I?m not out of my mind with loneliness and grief, and that soon I?ll be back among the ranks of the Jedi. For people who are supposed to be sensitive to other?s, they seem oblivious to how much harder their attitudes make it for me. I wish they would just realize that things aren?t working, but they have to pretend they are.

I?m tired of lies, though. Force knows I got enough of those from Lomi, and I did not even know it. And I suppose I can?t fault them for twisting reality into what they want to be. I was even better at that than they are. Is that why I?m so sensitive to it now? Probably. Being the UnuThul changed me in a lot of ways, and I guess this is one of them. They don?t really see that, either. They think I can just go back to being Raynar now, maybe a little older and sadder, but still Raynar. They just don?t get it, I guess; Raynar died in the Crash, and he?s not coming back. And now UnuThul is dead too. I wonder who I?m supposed to be next.

I cry

 

Poor Raynar! He's getting whacked around with the angst stick these days. Sometimes I think he was invented to be abused.

 

That was a really good songfic! I enjoyed it a lot. I just finished the Dark Nest books so this was a nice treat.

 

Wow, that was excellent. I'm not normally a big Raynar fan either.

 

VC

Well, I wouldn't abuse him if it weren't so easy!

UnderCoverJedi

Why thank you! I hope Raynar gets at least a little screen time in LoTF, because I really want to see what happened to him!

princess_of_naboo

Why thank you! I think Raynar is one of thoese characters who takes a while to like, but man did I love UnuThul!

 

Up up up, little fic!

 

I know regretting what I did isn?t going to change it,

A deed, once done, cannot be undone, but perhaps it may yet be mitigated.

Poor Unu/Raynar. Brilliant songfic, not that I expect differently from you.

 

Somehow I got distraced and forgot to reply! Imagine that!

SilSolo

Aww, thank you! I really how there's omse Raynar action on LoTF, because it would just be so cool to see how he's reacted to everything!

Healer_Leona

Why thanks! Poor little Raynar!