"Machiavellian Jedi Council" -- Feedback??

Need a little help here...

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Alone in his darkened quarters, Obi-Wan Kenobi searched for an answer - if ?answer? was in fact the correct word for it. Yet he had to search for something, as denial, his coping mechanism of choice, would not hold out much longer. And yet whatever he searched for, it could not be found.

Since his meeting with the Council, life and time had ceased pass normally. Everything had turned to a slow, strange haze. The faces of his friends and colleagues no longer seemed real - they appeared only as hollow, jabbering masks, sent to drive him insane. Words bounced off of him; he could hear nothing. Nothing but the words of the Council, echoing slowly and distorted through his baffled mind.

[Time has passed, yet the haze has not cleared...]

?How general a statement,? he mused. The ?haze? that he lived with now engulfed his mind.

[Your former Master?s judgment was clouded - you, yourself, saw this at first...]

This was painful. He remembered his own words: ?...they all sense it, why don?t you?? He pushed this away... It hurt him too much.

[Die, the boy must... No other way can there be.]

These were the harsh words of Master Yoda - they echoed through Kenobi?s mind endlessly, destroying his entire world, both externally and within. How had the old master actually spoken them!? Since hearing them, life had become surreal. There no longer seemed to be a difference between dreams (nightmares) and reality.

 

Cool start! I'd be VERY interested in reading more...

 

Thanks! Anything specific that got your attention?

Also - any comment on the writing style? I am trying to improve as an author...

--SRS

 

You really set the mood well here, I really get a sense of how hazy and surreal everything seems to Obi-Wan. I like the phrase "nightmares and reality" better than "dreams and reality." It makes everything seem that much worse.

But whatever happened to the idea of Jedi revering life in all its forms, and Yoda's statement "Always in motion, the future is"? It seems very dark to me to have Yoda suddenly giving Anakin a death sentence, especially as he's still a boy--though you don't say how old he is, or what's happened to cause this. I'd be interested in reading more, though, to find out what's going on.

 

You really set the mood well here...

Many thanks.

It seems very dark to me to have Yoda suddenly giving Anakin a death sentence...

Hence the title "Machiavellian Jedi Council."

I also consider this AU.

...though you don't say how old he is...

Ideas??

Thanks again.

--SRS

 

Post has been revised a bit, and a thread started in the main Fan Fiction forum.

http://boards.theforce.net/message.asp?topic=4646086

Please let me know what you think.