Story [Magnus Chase] Seeking the Past (Diary of Otis the Goat, DDC 2017) - Updated 7/21

Title: Seeking the Past: Diary of Otis the Goat
Author: S_Heffley
Fandom: Rick Riordan, Magnus Chase
Genre: Humor
Notes: For the Dear Diary Challenge

I’m Otis.

Okay, that was a sucky and cliché way to start out. But that was, quite honestly, the best I could come up with. Would you have preferred something more original, like “Yo what’s up my loyal fanboys it’s your main man Otis here,”?

That would have been better come to think of it, but have you ever tried writing with hooves? It’s not worth the effort to change. That line may have confused you. “Hooves?” you ask. Well I can explain simply.

I am a talking goat.

While that may sound strange, it’s actually quite normal where I come from. My brother, Marvin, is also a talking goat. “Where do you come from?” you find yourself asking. Well aren’t you just so full of questions! Funny thing is, I can’t say the exact place I’m originally from. It’s a symptom of my depression, memory loss. But I can say where I live now, and that’s in Jotunheim. “Why would you live in the home of the giants?” you wonder. Wow, I’m impressed with your knowledge. Believe me, I would leave if I could, but Thor needs me while he keeps the giants in check. Not like I’m his cool sidekick or anything, but he kills me and Marvin every night to keep himself fed. But don’t worry, I come back every morning good as new! “Why does a god need to eat?” is your next question. I have no idea. Stop it with the questions. Also, I’m glad your first question was why a god needed to eat and not whether I was okay every time I came back or not. It’s fine, I’m very used to being ignored.

Now, if you’ve read Magnus Chase’s first account of his adventures, you already know all this. In fact, I even played a sweet role in his second account, but that doesn’t matter right now. Not like you care anyway, I’m just a talking meal. My therapist says that’s why I’m so down all the time, but I don’t know. I think it goes way back to when I was a kid. And yes I’ve used that line before, which you would know if you read Magnus Chase’s book. But it’s strange. In his book he has a dash put at the end of my second sentence, like somehow his friend Sam had cut me off when she began speaking. But the thing is, that’s the whole sentence. Now that I think about it though, Sam did start speaking a bit too quickly after I finished speaking. What a surprise. No one cares about me or my feelings.

I know my depression goes way back to when I was a kid, but I don’t remember what happened to cause it. One of my life goals is to figure out this mystery. If only I could break away from Thor and go on some crazy detective adventure (another one of my life goals). I’m going to ask my therapist about what to do at my appointment tomorrow, but I don’t have high hopes. He’s not a very good therapist, or come to think of it maybe I’m just a special patient (and not special in a good way). For now, and probably for the foreseeable parts of my immortal future, I’m stuck as the talking mutton-chop.

 

Okay, I will 100% admit I have never heard of this fandom, but I HAVE to read any diary of a talking goat (particularly named Otis).

This is absolutely hilarious and surprisingly informative. I really want to read more, so please tag me when you update.

And now I am off to Google because I want to know more.

 

I have no idea what Magnus Chase is, but like Bri, I was sucked in by the talking goat.

I really like Otis' voice, he's hilarious!

I love this. The self deprecating humor is great! (But poor Otis!)

I hope he gets to go on a crazy detective adventure!
I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes!

 

So I actually HAVE read Magnus Chase and I remember poor Otis very well. He's like a combination of Douglas Adams' Marvin the paranoid android and the cow from the Restaurant at the End of the Universe. He knows his lot in life is to be dinner, but unlike the self-aware cow who wants to be eaten, he's very, very depressed about the whole thing. Well, wouldn't you be, especially if you were perpetual dinner for the muscle-bound and self-absorbed Thor? I think you've captured Otis's personality and Riordan's snarky, conversational style very well.

This is a great introduction and can't wait to see more of Otis. Perhaps journaling can give him some sense of catharsis...at any rate it should be fun to read!

 

I have read your first story when you joined the board and - wow - you have come a long way since then.

The title of this had my attention, because baaaah, if there's anything I like, I like goats, and my pal Raissa Baiard was so kind to tell me more about this fictional universe and the character of Otis. I skimmed through the books and from what I can see, you 100% nailed his voice and his, well, style. He goes from snarky to emo and back. And...he has a therapist?

Consider me hooked!

 

Hello and welcome back to my world famous diary! You may be wondering how that meeting with my therapist went. I thank you for thinking about me. It really means a lot. (Okay, I realize none of you are probably wondering about my life, but I want to feel important so give me this one, please).

So here are the details since you care so much about me. A question (you seem to have a lot of those) that must have popped into your mind is: who would be a therapist for a talking goat? Well, the answer is simpler than you think.

Another talking goat.

I never talk to him about my past, so I felt it was fair too never ask him about his. Don’t ask me how three talking goats ended up in Jotunheim.

But recently I had been running out of options. I needed to see what the mighty therapist has to say about the problems concerning my past. He seems to care as much about my life as you do, which is a good thing (I hope). Maybe he could help, but I still didn’t have much hope up until the moment I arrived at his office.

This is when my entire life would turn around.

Before I go on, let me just say how proud I am of that line. Doesn’t it just make you want to keep reading? See how the amazing Otis managed to overcome the tyranny of constantly being a meal?

To tell the truth, it wasn’t actually that epic, but it did turn my life around. So before I get to the detes (fun slang term), I’m warning you to not expect any explosions or zombies, though I hope those show up later to make my story (and my life) more interesting.

I walked up to the door and entered the room that had become all too familiar (another great opening line. Also, I sure have been using parentheses a lot today). It was exactly what you’d expect when thinking of a therapist’s office (which I hope you don’t do often, that would be weird. Uhh, I really need to stop using these things), with bookshelves filled with, you guessed it, books lining the walls, a desk covered in various papers I could only guess had therapist related things written on them, and a chair and couch for therapy sessions. The only thing not normal about the scene was the the therapist and the patient were both goats.

The therapist, Chris, turned in his chair at the desk as he heard me enter. “Otis,” he said, “good to see you. Just lay down on the couch and I’ll be right with you.”

I layed down on the couch in the best way a goat could manage, and soon after Chris came over to sit on the chair in the best way a goat could manage. The session had begun (there I go again making something sound more awesome than it actually was, and there I go again using parentheses).

“So what’s the problem today, Otis?” Chris asked.

I was a bit nervous, but launched right into what I had to say. “Well, Chris, I need to ask you about something because I don’t know what to do. While that’s nothing new, I usually managed something in the end. But now I just have no options. I want to find out what happened in my past that made me depressed, but I can’t get away from the fact that I’m a constant meal.”

“Have you tried asking Marvin?”

“I may be stupid, Chris, but not that stupid. Of course I have asked my brother. But he doesn’t seem to remember either. I think he’s a bit depressed deep down inside, but he never shows his emotions on the outside. I really wish he…”

“Okay, Otis. This time is about your depression, don’t get too deep into your feelings about Marvin. And if you want my opinion, there’s nothing that happened in your past. I’ve said this before. It’s all the fact that Thor made you a constant meal. I agree Marvin is probably depressed too, who wouldn’t be after being eaten every night?”

“Chris, I’m sorry. But I know something happened. Marvin and I aren’t too different. Why should I so outwardly show that I think I’m a loser, while Marvin keeps the thought that he’s a sore loser deep inside his head?”

“I can see where you are coming from, but I still do not agree with it. But you seem so persistent about solving this mystery, so I’ll tell you what. I’ll write a doctor’s note” (quick side comment: I totally should have titled this diary “doctor’s note”. Bah! These again!) “saying that you will have temporary medical release from being a dinner.”

“You can do that, Chris? Why didn’t you do that before?”

“You never told me you wanted a break.”

I thought it was pretty obvious a talking goat doomed to be a delicious food every night would want a break, but I was too happy at the time to care. “How long does the release last?”

“Until you are finished with your investigation, or one year, whichever comes first.”

I couldn’t believe my ears! I was a free goat for a whole year, or until I finished my investigation, whichever came first! “I can’t thank you enough, Chris!” I wanted to get up and give him a hug, but that would be strange because we were both men, and also because we were both goats.

A short time later, I was out of there with doctor’s note in hoof. For the first time in years, I actually felt happy! Oh wait, but what’s that sound I hear? Disappointment from the reader, is that it? Yeah, I think that’s it.

I told you not to expect any explosions or zombies, didn’t I? Oh, I see. You probably thought my turnaround would be something other than a piece of paper. Did you hope I’d find a lady goat, and we’d run away together and have goat babies? Haha, you are funny. Even if there was a female goat on Jotunheim, she would never date a person like moi.

But really, I’m happier than I’ve ever been, and I’m ready to go on that crazy detective adventure I’ve so desperately wanted my whole life.

Author's Notes: Thanks for all the kind feedback on the last post. I'm glad people have been enjoying it. I also have to tag Briannakin at this point because she asked for it

Late Author's Note: Ewok Poet In case you were wondering, I have been working on that rewrite on my first fic I spoke of a while ago. It's been really slow in the coming but it will hopefully eventually be up.

 

I just love how completely ridiculous this diary is, and I mean that in a good way. Of course Odis can get out of being a nightly meal with a doctor's note from Chris!

I'm not sure if it's the fandom, but I bow to your creative skills!

 

As far as author notes go on here, you might want to go through other people's stories and see how we do it. I...didn't expect them at the end of the next entry at all. I usually leave a reply for responding to everybody who commented and then I put the next entry/chapter/part in the next reply. Hope that helps. Also, glad that you're revisiting that story, it had potential. Shout if you need a beta.

This therapist seems to be of the stereotypical movie/TV kind and that makes the situation MOAR HILARIOUS, as if the whole premise wasn't interesting enough. And...the doctor's note that excuses Otis from being the dinner? Marvin is NOT going to like this at all.

We DO want to hear about your kid days, Otis. Now, go bleet it out.

 

ok, the premise of this was just so, so silly that i had to take a look, and it's pretty much about as silly as i thought... and then some. very well written, and a strong voice for otis.

also... shades of groundhog's day with bill murray, but only shades since it's not the same day. can't imagine waking up to the same thing day after day.

the doctor's note in the second update... just, yea. *shakes head* i'm with ewok poet, marvin isn't going to be happy. and somehow, i don't think thor's going to take it that well either. i mean, why's he going to listen to a goat trying to get another goat out of being a meal? that next update is going to be interesting.

BTW, tags would be nice as well.

 

Author’s Note: The power of copy-paste is strong in this one. And also, sorry for taking so long to get this one out. I’ve been busy. Thanks for all the responses, too. I'm not good at coming up with responses for all of them, but I appreciate every one.

Before I get into actually leaving Jotunheim, I feel the need to express my happiness in the form of a poem. There’s more to the story after I left the therapist's office, but since recalling that moment I gained the doctor’s note I feel like I need to get my emotions out somehow. So here it goes, my first attempt at poetry! *Ahem*.

Do you ever feel like a PLASTIC BAG​

Drifting through the wind​

Wanting to start again​

Do you ever feel so paper thin​

Like a house of cards​

One blow from CAVING IN​

Do you ever feel already buried deep​

Six feet under screams​

But no one seems to hear a thing​

Do you know that there's still a chance for you​

'Cause there's a spark in you​

You just gotta IGNITE the light​

And let it shine​

Just own the night​

Like the fourth of July​

'Cause baby you're a FIREWORK​

Come and show 'em what you're worth​

Make 'em go "oh, oh, oh!"​

As you shoot across the sky-y-y​

Wait a second, that’s just the song that’s been stuck in my head all day. Dang you, 2010 pop!

Not to say I don’t feel like a firework right now (great song, Katy), I feel like a whole grand finale of fireworks. But I promised you an original poem, my dear readers, and that’s exactly what I’m going to give you. *Ahem*.

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,​

Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore—​

While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,​

As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.​

“’Tis some visitor,” I muttered, “tapping at my chamber door—​

Only this and nothing more.” ​

Dang it! That’s not original either. But I think the bigger question is: how did I know all that?

That’s not to say I don’t feel like a Raven. I feel like a whole plethora of Ravens (That was a joke, for those who don't know). But I'm not done yet, loyal fanboys and fangirls. I know you want that poem. One more try! Wait for it… *Ahem*.

I love my dog​

My dog is cool​

My dog is not a frog​

He sits on my stool​

My dog is better than any other one​

No one can beat mine​

Our relationship will never be done​

My dog is so fine​

I could talk about him forever​

My love for him never ends​

My love for him I will treasure​

My love for him will never bend​

Okay, now I'm just writing a first grade level dog poem. You can do better than that, Otis! Funny thing is, I don't even have a dog. I hope you realized at some point during your reading of that masterpiece that a talking goat wouldn't have a dog.

Not to say I don't feel like a dog right now (I'm stopping here, this joke wasn't funny the first time. No use in repeating a crappy joke. Also, I've given up on cutting back my parentheses use, it's pretty much impossible).

But I haven’t given up on writing a poem, my friends. Let’s do this! *Ahem*.

I am so happy about this day​

No one could possible take this away​

From when I got that doctor’s note last night​

This day could not be more right​

It’s because I’m happy​

Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof​

Because I'm happy​

Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth​

Because I'm happy​

Clap along if you know what happiness is to you​

Because I'm happy​

Clap along if you feel like that's what you wanna do​

Looks like I got a bit carried away there.

I give up, now I’ve just reverted to writing popular 2013 music that for some reason still has a presence on the radio (Yes, I still listen to that arcane piece of technology).

Sorry for those who were waiting for the reactions of my colleagues and got this crap instead. But that stuff is coming soon, kids, so be patient! You will not be disappointed. Well, I can’t say that because I technically can’t predict the future or telepathically read all your emotions, but you get the point.

Tags: Briannakin A Blind Prophet

 

Katy Perry, Edgar Allan Poe, Cat Stevens and - well, I had to google the last one - Pharell. This story has goat to be effing with my brain.

Wait, that was not the original "I Love My Dog". Ohwell, never mind.

Definitely one of the strangest things I have ever read, this entry.

 

This is so strange, but it is so very entertaining I love the attempts at "poetry" that turned out to be popular songs.

 

• I didn't know the songs so that was greatly entertaining - original poetry/lyrics or not! Otis, try haiku ...

A shrink may suggest
Creativity may work
To soothe you. It does.

 

I could have sworn I commented on the previous entry, I remember loving the doctor's note. I guess I forgot to hit post or something. Anyway, I really enjoyed it.

I also really enjoyed this update. Otis is so silly and fun, I'm really like getting to know him. The start and stop with poems was really funny, I liked that he kept coming up with other things that had already been written.The part about a goat writing a poem about a dog made me laugh. Why couldn't he have a dog?? They could be great friends. (I say not knowing anything about the source material so I have no idea).

I'm looking forward to more!

 

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I present to you the moment you've all been waiting for- the reactions of Thor and Marvin! I don't want to spoil too much, but be ready for a tale of dragons, professional wrestling (fake wrestling), amuateuar wrestling (real wrestling), guns, and rainbows, because I can guarantee you that at least one of those things shows up.

And here we go! ($10 if you can link this catchphrase to the source).

Marvin wasn't happy with me the moment I proudly strolled back into Thor’s man cave brandishing the note. He didn't even know what was on the note at that point, but I guess he figured out anything good enough to make the most depressed goat on Jotunheim (not really a hard title to hold) happy wasn't a good thing for him.

He also wasn't happy when I boastfully shoved the hoof holding the note (don't ask how) into his face and laughed, yelling, “I'm on medical release from being a meal, and you're not!” Then I added few “nah”s (I hope you know what I'm talking about, if you've ever been a kid. Goat kids do that too, by the way. Or at least talking ones do) and stuck out my tongue like a little kid.

Maybe I took it a little too far. But Marvin took it even farther.

He wanted to fight.

Thor wasn't home. We could do it. Easy.

Thor could never figure out how to put a password on his Xbox. This was our chance.

Thoughts must be running through your head by this point. Is this where the guns come in? How about the rainbows? If you asked yourself those questions, you would be wrong (though personally I'd love to see a rainbow themed game). Now, the stupid ones among you instantly went to thinking of what professionals refer to as “ameatuer wrestling”. And let me tell you, Marvin and I have no time for that “real wrestling” crap. Who wants to watch two men hugging when you can watch two men hitting each other with chairs? Better yet, playing it on Xbox!

While I kept guard to make sure Thor didn’t walk up on us and make a meal out of me before even reading the note, Marvin loaded up the game. After a minute or so of watch duty, I heard the music of a game I had always watched Thor play but never played myself - WWE 2K17.

Thor is an avid professional wrestling fan, so by default, Marvin and I are too. But Thor doesn’t trust us with his Xbox, so we were never allowed to play the game. We usually steered away from breaking the rule out of discipline, but the situation right now was way too serious to ignore. We needed to settle this the only way we knew how, and since neither of us actually wanted to hit the other with a chair, we had to substitute somehow.

But the instant I put my hooves on the controller, I realized why Thor never let us play the Xbox
I had hooves.

This was going to be a very boring fight, as the two of us could only press one button at a time with each hoof. I knew enough of the controls to know that meant we could get off a few punches and grapples, but no reversals, or even chairs because getting out of the ring to get one required pressing multiple buttons at the same time.

Here’s a great idea, 2K, in the next WWE game, please include a “goat controls” option, thanks.

Luckily, selecting the character only required moving one of the analog sticks up and down, so us goats had no problem with that part of the game. Marvin wasted no time in selecting the Undertaker.

I went with the guy that I’d always thought was wasted by the WWE, Tyler Breeze. He’s really a great talent and he’s just not used properly. But Marvin was having none of it. “Come on,” he said, “you can do better than that. Breeze is a 70 overall. ‘Taker is a 93. Get on my level. And besides, I’ve read your little diary you’ve been posting on the weird forum. You really think your fans are gonna know who Breeze is? The Dead Man is known to all. Ask anyone who ‘Prince Pretty’ is and they will have no idea.”

I could see his points, and to be honest the prospect of Tyler vs Undertaker wasn’t really dream match material, so I was off scrolling again to find a formidable opponent for The Demon of Death Valley.

There was only two potential dream caliber matches I could form with exact 93 overalls. And when given the choice between The Architect, Seth Rollins, and The Face that Runs the Place, John Cena, the choice was obvious.

Everyone knows who Seth Rollins is, right?

Kidding, of course! I’d have to be crazy not to choose Cena (I am crazy, but that’s beside the point).

And here’s a quick apology to some (probably all) of you who have no idea what I’m talking about.

But that shouldn’t matter in the grand scheme of things, because the fundamentals of professional wrestling aren’t too complicated. Men (sometimes women) hit each other, and one of them ends up winning through a variety of different methods. But if you chose to watch it, please watch a good match like Kenny Omega vs Kazuchika Okada, instead of reading about two goats playing a crappy match in a crappy video game, made even more crappy by the refusal of game companies to give goats their own control schemes.

I would describe the match, but it was almost as boring as the Sasha Banks vs Charlotte Hell in a Cell match (Yes, I said it. No one can get triggered either because you all have no idea what that is).

So who won, you ask? Well, the match ended in a no contest, because Thor showed up right when I was about to win (Marvin, if you are reading this, I know neither of us was close to winning. Please don’t kill me. I really want to find our family. And to the readers, I hope that last line really moved you. I’m proud of myself for writing it).

Thor seemed really angry, so I quickly grabbed the doctor’s note and showed it to him before he could make a meal out of me.

Thor just laughed, “Chris already called me and told me everything. He had to make sure I didn’t make a premature meal out of you before you showed me the note. The note is useful, though. I’m not the only god that has a craving for an eternal meat supply. Besides, I’m not that hungry tonight.”

Marvin seemed to relax, seemingly worried about being eaten as well, “So you’re not mad?”

“Of course I am!” said Thor, though his tone did not change, “And I have always enforced strict punishments on my rules. However, if Otis here can make it out in the real world, I think he has earned the right not to receive one. As for you, Marvin…” Thor snapped his fingers, and lightning came down and struck Marvin straight in the back, which I didn’t even know was possible indoors.

Thor picked up the now dead goat (Don’t worry, readers! Thor’s goats always come back to life!). He looked over to me and smiled, “When I said I wasn’t that hungry, I meant that I didn’t crave two goats tonight. I think one will suffice. Go on, I think it’s about time you start your journey.” And I was off to adventure, but not before I stopped to write a bit of poetry, which you read in my wondrous last entry.

Just so you know, I was totally kidding about that $10 thing. I don’t have that kind of money! But how about 10 bonus points instead? I’ll keep a tally and announce the winner at the end of the journal! That’s if I’m even survive that long…let’s not go there. I’m home free, and I have no time to think about death like I’ve done my whole life. (Another emotional line I’m very proud of. Man, I just can not end my entries on a serious note, can I? Well how about I end this one in parentheses? I sure do love those!)

Tags: A Blind Prophet Briannakin

Edit after the next entry has been posted edit: I think I fixed the tags on this one, too. If they were even broken.

 

Love it! Writing about animals means showing their physical qualities and Xbox designers, I hope you are reading and reimagining your product for the even and odd-toed ungulates out there who would love to play!

Also, a moment of silence for poor Marvin.

 

I won't get the $10, I'm sure, but maybe Raissa Baiard will, since she read the books.

This was unexpected, yet tremendously fun!

 

Well, there I was, finally free to go anywhere I wanted. I was a free goat and the entirety of the Nine Worlds were available to me (though it probably wouldn’t be a good idea not to go to a few of them, especially Helheim). As I sat there, pondering my newfound freedom, I realized something.

I had absolutely no idea where to go.

The best place to go would be Midgard (that’s fancy Norse talk for where you silly humans live). I felt this way because, even though I just mocked silly humans in my last use of parentheses, silly goats come from there as well. Last time I checked, I’m a very silly goat (how do you check for that, anyway? Is it a blood test or something?), so that would be a wise choice for me. However, I don’t know ANYONE in Midgard. So that leaves only one choice: Muspellheim.

Kidding, of course! You smart ones know that Muspellheim is the world of rocks and mountains, and it’s very hard for anything qualified to maneuver those cliffs, let alone a goat.

The only choice left was Asgard. No, I’m not going there to get some godly advice from the Aesir. None of those gods would have the heart to help a poor goat like myself. The reason to go there is because Asgard is home to Valhalla, the home of dead warriors who died bravely, or in the aforementioned fancy Norse talk, called einherjar.And let me tell you, I have the contacts inside of Valhalla. I’m pretty much the most famous guy there. If I walk in, there’s people strolling up to me asking for autographs, pictures, basically anything to remember the moment they met your’s truly.

Sorry, I got a bit carried away in my fantasy there. Truth is, nobody there even has a clue who I am, except for one, maybe three or four if it’s the right time. Five, if you count the magical talking sword. I’ll probably have trouble just getting there, but it’s my best bet. I need to get to Valhalla to see Magnus Chase.

For those of you who have read his books (I know a few of you have) you probably just had a squealing moment out of excitement (or at least I hope you did, unless I need to improve as a writer). But to the others, you are probably extremely confused. I’m not gonna waste too much time describing him or his magical sword Jack (yes, it has a name). But if you really want to know, Magnus kinda looks like Kurt Cobain. If everything goes right, you’ll see more very soon.

I still doubt everything is going to go right though, but I really don’t have any other option. The quickest way to Asgard would be through Thor’s man cave, which is attached magically to his man cave on Asgard. I actually believe it’s the same man cave, that you can enter from both Asgard and Jotunheim.

So after Thor already sent me away to go on adventure, I have to go back and ask him for a favor. What a dramatic exit that is! Be sent away at 5, write some poetry, write about being sent away, ponder where to go and write about it, and go back to the man cave by 7.
Well, I’ve wasted enough of your day. Tune in next time for my adventures in Asgard! (I hope).

And by the way, Muspellheim is actually the world of fire giants and demons. Did I trick any of you? Blink if yes.

Note: Sorry for the shorter entry, I only posted one entry last month so I need to get out three this month to be back on track, planning on two a month.


Tags: Briannakin A Blind Prophet

I think I fixed the tags, if they were broken last time

 

Sorry I missed an entry, but the whole meta-ness of this diary had me laughing.

I just love this so much. Between the duel via Xbox and Thor's bit of technological stupidity, it is just hilarious.

And I actually knew a couple things in the second entry! Someone give me a gold star!

Otis is pretty much every college student after exams: all the freedom in the universe, yet no idea what to do with it. I know this feeling well.

 

This is great! Love the humor. Otis is a fascinating character. I especially like the Xbox scene.

I've never heard of Magnus Chase, it took me a bit to realize it is the same universe as Percy Jackson (which I know a tiny bit about).

 

Fancy Norse talk for where you silly humans live - OK, you win this entire board. I mean, Otis does.

 

I strolled into Thor’s man cave and peered around the corner of the entrance hall, seeing Thor feasting on my brother Marvin while watching the newest edition of Monday Night Raw (that kind of stuff is normal in our family. Can I call it that?). I slowly approached from behind, thinking Thor too enthralled in the show to sense my presence behind.

But I kinda forgot that hooves make a very distinct sound on the marble floor in the man cave, and that Thor was a god so he could tell anyway. Sorry about that.

Not that the ensuing result would have been different either way, but when you’re trying to build suspense in your story and make your life sound more interesting to your fans, it would have been nice to remember those things.

“Did you give up already?” asked Thor, when I was halfway to where he was sitting.

“Not yet, I need a favor.” I said.

“Well that’s nice. Be sent away at 5, write some poetry, write about being sent away, ponder where to go and write about it, and go back to the man cave by 7,” responded Thor.

Okay, maybe those weren't his exact words, but I like to sound like I know what I’m talking about when I write. Did I succeed in this goal? Feedback would be appreciated!

“I can’t find my family alone. I need to get to Valhalla and speak to Magnus.”

“That dude with the talking sword that I helped stop a marriage with?”

“Yeah, him.” Read Magnus Chase’s book The Hammer of Thor for details. Special appearances by the goat brothers Marvin and Otis (that’s me!).

“I love that guy! Especially his elf friend who always supported my points!”

To my knowledge. Magnus’s elf friend is deaf and uses sign language to communicate, and Thor doesn’t know sign language. But I wasn’t about to correct him since I really needed this favor.

“Yeah, the elf friend who always agrees with your points,” I lied, “I love him too. So do I have your permission to use the portal to Asgard?”

“Totally! Bring me back a souvenir!”

I didn’t know why Thor needed a souvenir when he could literally have anything he wanted, but once again I didn’t want to ruin my chances.

“I promise to bring you back something good,” I lied. “So where is the portal, exactly?”

“Go down the hall next to the kitchen. It's right across from the bathroom.”

And I was actually off to adventure this time.

Funnily enough, it wasn’t that simple. Nothing in my life is.

When I finally reached the portal, Thor ran down the hall after me. And just as I was being sucked in, he yelled, “Wait! I forgot! The portal is broken!”

But it was too late and I was already on my way to I had no idea where.

And that, fans, is where I’ll leave this off. It’s a new literary technique I wanted to try that I like to call the cliffhanger. Well, I say that I like to call it that, but I hope that’s what you like to call it as well, as that’s the official name for it. Anyway, I’m just ruining the suspense now. Tune in next time for the exciting conclusion!

Tags: Briannakin A Blind Prophet

 

That was so funny.

Not even thinking about Otis seeing Thor feast on his brother (Eeek! Squick!), but gems like these:

So.meta. Have you been looking at fanficcers fishing for reviews, Otis? BAD GOAT.

Okay, this goat IS writing fanfiction about himself, since he already thinks he has a bunch of adoring fans and all. I CALL SELF-INSERT.

Thanks for brightening my day, most interesting person on the boards.

 

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