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  1. In Memory of LAJ_FETT: Please share your remembrances and condolences HERE

Saga Maiden on the Snow (Short Intertrilogy story featuring... a girl named Mara ? ; Updated 4/6)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by Lordban, Mar 18, 2004.

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  1. Lordban

    Lordban Isildur's Bane star 7

    Registered:
    Nov 9, 2000
    Foreword :

    The theme of the Jedi Hunt that's assumed to take place during the Intertrilogy is, of course, a theme suited for tragic stories, and for sad ones. Of course, writing sad stories doesn't really look like a daunting task, and it isn't one either. Still I hope I didn't botch this ; I need some experience depicting such settings. So if you've got any criticism to formulate, I will be more than interested in knowing your thoughts.

    One more thing : this is was initially intended to be a long vignette, but I've been adding material everytime I've edited it, and it has grown into a full short story in its own right, far too long to be posted in one piece. And so I've decided to cut it this night, and in turn it allowed me to develop the story further. It's funny, how words can sometimes seem to take a life of their own.


    Hope you'll enjoy the read :)

    - Arnaud





    [i][color=white]Maiden on the Snow[/color][/i]

    [color=white]**[/color]

    It was a beautiful sight to behold, but there was no one to enjoy it. There were no tangible profits to be made on or near Indoril, and the place was far too removed from the Core worlds for touring agencies to make money on a space station there. And such was the reason why the beauty of the system was only known to a few. The world itself was hardly documented, and its aesthetics, even less so. All in all, it made an excellent reason for the pilot of the small craft which popped out near the small planet to stop breathing for a short while.

    The first sight offered him was that of an iridescent sphere suspended in space, as though it was a pearl masterfully displayed by a jeweller on a layer of the finest black fabric, intricately woven with tiny diamonds. And the pearl had value of itself, offering to the viewer its intricate patterns of whites, patterns which the viewer would be the only one ever to discover as the weather made them everchanging, always similar, yet forever different. A few moments passed during which the man was oblivious to everything - his ship, the reasons why he was here... even his own self.

    But he was to be brought by to reality soon enough - [i]Why now ?[/i] he thought fleetingly - by a red ping on his displays which broke into the perfection of the view.
    And so the man caught himself, and refocused his thoughts on the reason he was there of all places, when hardly anyone in the Empire would ever have considered venturing here. He was following another ship, and his instruments were informing him that the beacon they had been tracking was located here in this system.
    On the pearl-planet.

    The man had to concentrate.
    Entering the atmosphere of this world was not going to be easy. The readings on his sensors told the man of gale-force winds he would have to navigate through ; visibility would be terrible, as the clouds carried along the snows that covered all of the planet's surface. The clouds and snow would be a blessing for the man when he touched down on the surface, though : they would allow him to land close to the ship he had followed but still out of sight, and the terrible atmospheric conditions had every chance of preventing regular sensors from detecting his own craft. He would not be in sight of the object of his search either, and was in for a short hike in frosty weather. He would have to rely on a portable locator capable of detecting the homing beacon, and would have to place another beacon on his own ship. There was no use finding what he searched for if it meant he was to become stranded forever on the planet. A mother-of-pearl tomb was certainly worth contemplating, but it mattered not for the ones it housed.

    Now white was everywhere in the man's view. Swirling white ; an overwhelming white one could have thought was trying to engulf the small ship and forever take it along on a journey of never-ending, ever-renewed white. As though trying to mimic the surroundings, the man's face and knuckles were turning white too, as he struggled with controls that seemed to side with the blizzard.

    And then
     
  2. Laine_Snowtrekker

    Laine_Snowtrekker Jedi Grand Master star 5

    Registered:
    Jul 8, 2003
    Wow! This is very interesting. Keep writing. You're a good writer.
     
  3. Lordban

    Lordban Isildur's Bane star 7

    Registered:
    Nov 9, 2000
    Wow [face_blush] Thanks a lot, Laine.
    But I must have abused of the word "white" :p
     
  4. VaderLVR64

    VaderLVR64 Manager Emeritus star 8 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Feb 5, 2004
    A mother-of-pearl tomb was certainly worth contemplating, but it mattered not for the ones it housed.


    Very well written, very powerful. For some reason the line above really struck me, don't ask me why. I look foward to more of these! Please keep writing!
     
  5. Lordban

    Lordban Isildur's Bane star 7

    Registered:
    Nov 9, 2000
    More extravagant praise ! [face_blush]

    Rest assured I will try and write more stories like this one ! :)

    (Once this one is over ? ;) )
     
  6. Gina

    Gina Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 3, 2003
    Beautiful use of imagery and the environment. Loved the theme of "white."

    Looking forward to more!

     
  7. LaYa_

    LaYa_ Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Jul 21, 2003
    Wow that's great :D

    Very well written.

    Can't wait for more ;)
     
  8. Lordban

    Lordban Isildur's Bane star 7

    Registered:
    Nov 9, 2000
    <ego_mode_on> Can't wait for more either, LaYa, I want more praise !!! <ego_mode_off> :p

    Thanks, Gina ! :) Actually, I was a bit afraid of having abused of the word "White" ;) I guess I'll count how many times I've used it when I have spare time :p

    I'll try and post tomorrow (got something else on my schedule ;) ), and if I can't, I'll pop on the thread and promise you'll have the next part on Saturday :)

     
  9. LaYa_

    LaYa_ Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Jul 21, 2003
    Lol :p

    and promise you'll have the next part on Saturday

    Good ;)
     
  10. Lordban

    Lordban Isildur's Bane star 7

    Registered:
    Nov 9, 2000
    Yub, my hate has made me power...

    Hmmm, forget this, m'kay... ? :D

    I'm going back to some serious work now, if everything goes fine, I should be posting by 1:00 AM board time tomorrow.

    EDIT - Badly overslept, so I've still got some typing to do this afternoon (yes, I'm the kind of mad guy who writes on paper first :p ) Gotta run ;)
     
  11. Lordban

    Lordban Isildur's Bane star 7

    Registered:
    Nov 9, 2000
    And here comes at last ! Enjoy :)





    The girl was smiling.

    The man removed his own mask, so as to reveal himself to her. Her expression did not change as he did. [i]I should have expected it ![/i] he said to himself with a mental chuckle. [i]Yes, she has sensed my approach, and she has been waiting for me. And I could hardly blame her for not coming to me. If I am tired, she must be exhausted ![/i]

    The man stepped closer to her, fighting tears.

    "At last, I've found you !" he said in a hoarse voice. "I've found you, and I'll never let you go !"

    [color=white]**[/color]

    As he uttered these words, the man repressed a mental chuckle. How ironic that there should be so much relief for him to have found the girl at last. [i]And it is really out of question that I should ever let you go. If you knew what I've been through in order to hunt and kill you, you would surely feel honored that someone would endure such pains to end your life, young Miral. There are surely no other Jedi Padawans who will have been slain by someone who has gone through such an ordeal as I have...[/i]

    He rose his two blaster pistols. The bounty hunter had no little skill at modifying blasters, and the one he held in his right hand had two cannons that fired at minimally different angles, allowing him to shoot a total of three non-aligned bolts at his targets at the same time. When they faced such an attack, the Jedi he had faced before had mostly been caught off their guard. They were used to deflecting blaster bolts at their attackers with their lightsabers, and even a Padawan usually knew enough to deflect incoming bolts.
    This was why he had been capable of shooting several Jedi without their realizing their mistake before it was too late. [i]A Jedi can block two synchronized bolts with cautious placement of their lightsaber, but their blades will never allow them to block the third bolt, the one that completes the triangle. Whichever two bolts they choose to deflect thay can't aim back at you because they've got to deflect both, AND the third will still hit them.[/i] That had been his thought when he had designed his special 'Jedi bane' blaster.

    Now this one girl half-standing in front of him made no move to defend herself. [i]Either she's overconfident, or she waits for the last possible moment ; or maybe she has even accepted her death, and has chosen to half-seat herself this way so as to comfortably wait for her end.[/i]

    He did not fire immediately ; instead, he took a couple of seconds to study the girl's face and eyes, trying to guess how she would react to his opening fire.
    [i]Motionless[/i] he assessed. [i]She must have lost her will to fight.[/i]

    He readied himself to press both triggers.
    [i]She's so beautiful...

    What a waste ![/i]

    [color=white]**[/color]

    When he first had learnt of the girl's existence, he would never had thought that hunting her would become such a long, hard slog. Indeed, he had believed it would be a matter of a couple of days and no more ; he even thought that it would be a plain, boring hunt, only worth it because of the thirty thousand credits that came in exchange for a Padawan's lightsaber. Well, she had proven more resourceful than any Jedi he had ever hunted. That girl must have had one of those few quirksome masters that were rumored to have offered trouble even within the Jedi order, because they sometimes behaved very differently from what was supposedly expected from a Jedi...

    [color=white]**[/color]

    He had quite literally stumbled upon her. The girl's profile was quite suspicious indeed, and the local Imperial authorities probably had picked up her trail when he first saw her. They were usually suspicious when someone entered a shady cantina on New Cov, looking like anything but an usual customer at such a place.

    He was sitting at the back of the cantina, discussing his latest hunt with a couple of other bounty hunters, both friends of his, when she had appeared at the entrance, attracting more than a few stares. She had to be fifteen or sixteen, and loo
     
  12. Lordban

    Lordban Isildur's Bane star 7

    Registered:
    Nov 9, 2000
    Already down there after four hours you are ?

    BACK UP YOU GO, NAUGHTY FIC :mad:

    ( :p )
     
  13. Dev_Binks

    Dev_Binks Jedi Knight star 6

    Registered:
    Aug 7, 2003
    Hmm, it's pretty good.
     
  14. Lordban

    Lordban Isildur's Bane star 7

    Registered:
    Nov 9, 2000
    Thanks Dev :)

    (both for the comment and for following the White Rabbit ;) )
     
  15. Dev_Binks

    Dev_Binks Jedi Knight star 6

    Registered:
    Aug 7, 2003
    Yeah, I've been chasing that white rabbit for years now, but it just won't stay in one place for me to shoot it! :p
     
  16. Lordban

    Lordban Isildur's Bane star 7

    Registered:
    Nov 9, 2000
    (must be stupid ; for a moment, I actually considered looking for an image of a white rabbit and linking it to this thread :p )
    (but you wouldn't have shot your screen, would you, Dev ? ;) )
     
  17. Gina

    Gina Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 3, 2003
    I liked this post. You do a wonderful job of describing the characters and their surroundings so that the scene "comes to life" for the reader.

    For example,

    but now he knew how to use his eyes for acting, and their twinkling completed the image of the innocuous old man he liked to show when he wanted to trump the people facing him.

    I loved this line. A lovely little detail that reveals so much about the character's personality.


     
  18. VaderLVR64

    VaderLVR64 Manager Emeritus star 8 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Feb 5, 2004
    Very nicely done! Your descriptions are wonderful, especially the "Jedi Bane" technique. Look forward to more!
     
  19. Lordban

    Lordban Isildur's Bane star 7

    Registered:
    Nov 9, 2000
    More is on its way, m'lady ;) Either tomorrow or on Tuesday.

    Gina : more extravagant praise ; I have to confess I love reading that kind of review ;) Well, they say the Devil is in the details, don't they ? :p
    And thanks for your digging to read my Undelivered vignette :)
     
  20. LaYa_

    LaYa_ Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Jul 21, 2003
    Great post ;)
     
  21. Lordban

    Lordban Isildur's Bane star 7

    Registered:
    Nov 9, 2000
    And look : more lembas prai- Huh, forget it [face_blush]
     
  22. Dev_Binks

    Dev_Binks Jedi Knight star 6

    Registered:
    Aug 7, 2003
    Nah, my gun's to big to fit into my room, they couldn't make a scaled down version of a mauzer. ;) :p When's the next part?
     
  23. Lordban

    Lordban Isildur's Bane star 7

    Registered:
    Nov 9, 2000
    Later today or early tomorrow ;)
     
  24. Lordban

    Lordban Isildur's Bane star 7

    Registered:
    Nov 9, 2000
    Upping this - had a BUSY day - that is, for someone who's supposed to be on medical leave :p - so I guess I'm in for a long night of typing ;) (with three posts due tomorrow, I'd better get working :p )
     
  25. Laine_Snowtrekker

    Laine_Snowtrekker Jedi Grand Master star 5

    Registered:
    Jul 8, 2003
    Good. I'm a bit confused however. Did he kill her and leave, or is he remembering something before he kills her? I really like this, however.
     
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