Saga Mara Wars Trilogy (Humor, AU, OT-era) ANNOUNCEMENT APRIL 4

Rating: PG-13
Characters: Mara Jade, Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, Darth Vader, all the usual suspects
Genre: Spoof
Authors: the very talented and funny JediAngel (this was originally started by her, so she deserves most of the credit) and yours truly
Summary: What would have happened to the Rebellion if it were Princess Mara instead of Princess Leia?

This fic is for both Mara-fans and Mara-haters to enjoy. Hope you all like it.

Enjoy!

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A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...

MARA WARS

EPISODE IV: A RED-GOLD HOPE

It is a period of civil war. Rebel spaceships, striking from a hidden base, have won their first victory against the evil Galactic Empire.

During the battle, Rebel spies managed to steal secret plans to the Empire's ultimate weapon, the DEATH STAR, an armored space station with enough power to destroy an entire planet.

Pursued by the Empire's siniser agents, the beautiful, amazing, perfect, breathtakingly gorgeous, can-do-no-wrong, everyone-loves-her-even-inanimate-objects-adore-her Princess Mara Jade, with her reddish-goldish-red-gold-golden-gold-apple-fiery-molten-colored hair and her fiery greenish-emerald-dragon-greeny-green eyes races home aboard her starship, custodian of the stolen plans that can save her people and restore freedom to the galaxy, for she is the savior of all mankind and can single-handedly save the universe blindfolded with her hands tied behind her back, and is amazing and kind and supremely magnificient, with the most lovely singing voice in the galaxy, and such a fine, muscular, well-toned body, and a perfectly sculpted still-looks-like-a-twenty-year-old face, oh how I would love to--

AUDIENCE: GET ON WITH IT ALREADY!!!!!!!!

NARRATOR: Oh, sorry. I got a little carried away there.

SCENE ONE - The hold of the battered transport, the Tantive IV. A female figure, cloaked in white, whose face is shrouded by a hood, is bending down over a small barrel-shaped astromech unit. A small, slender hand slides a disk into one of the droid's cavities.

FIGURE: [has some difficulty inserting the disk] Crap! There! Finally, you stupid robot! Now, do exactly as I said, or I'll melt you down into a bracelet. Got it!

The rotund droid beeps a trembling acknowledgment.

FIGURE: Good! Now, go do it!

The female points toward the pod bay, and the terrified R2 unit scurries off as fast as its metal legs will take it.

She turns at the sounds of blasters firing nearby and removes her hood to reveal a mane of wavy red-gold hair, fiery green eyes, a pert nose and full ruby-red lips. She rips the white mantle from her shoulders. The shapely girl is dressed in a tight-fitting black and red catsuit with black narthskin thigh boots.

FIGURE: I hate white! It's so...bland!

The gorgeous redhead pulls her SP-MXK12 mondo-blaster with long range thermo-detonator launcher from her matching holster. She slips into an opening between a series of large pipes and crouches down, skillfully balancing on her five-inch stiletto heels. With steely determination, she takes aim at the open hatch. A team of stormtroopers warily enters through the hatch door.

COMMANDER: Look sharp!

The astonishingly gorgeous young girl leaps into the center of the walkway, her red-gold hair falling perfectly into place around her exquisite shoulders. Startled by the sight of such breathtaking beauty, the stormtroopers are momentarily stupefied. Quickly, the commander shakes himself from his trance.

COMMANDER: There?s one! Set for stun!

Before any of the hapless stormtroopers can react, she blasts half of them, including the commander, into molten cinders. One of the troopers manages to hit her with a stun blast, but it barely phases the incredible young woman. A second and then a third blast hit her before she succumbs to unconsciousness. She falls gracefully to the cold metal floor as the Imperial soldiers surround her.

STORMTROOPER #1: Criminy!

 

lol

this is funny

 

Thanks, Ylesly!

Here's more:

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SCENE THREE ? The parched and barren planet of Tatooine, its twin suns high in the cloudless sky. A young lad and his grizzled uncle watch as a Jawa sandcrawler groans to a stop in front of their modest homestead. The small, cloaked creatures scurry about producing a variety of droids for Owen Lars? inspection. After much haggling, a disagreement between uncle and nephew and a mishap with one damaged robot, the two walk off with a bronze protocol droid and a squat astromech unit.

UNCLE OWEN: You heard what I said, Luke. I want those droids cleaned up before supper.

LUKE: Yes, Uncle Owen. Come on, you two.

SCENE FOUR ? The Lars? garage. LUKE is hunched down over the twittering R2 robot, trying to pry something from between its casing. A spark sends the boy sprawling on the ground. Suddenly a hologram of MARA JADE, clad in virginal white, is projected across the floor. Even though the hologram is horribly distorted and the sound is full of hiss and crackle, LUKE can tell the young woman is exceptionally beautiful.

MARA: [in a continuous loop] Help m...(hiss)...O...(crackle)...B...One...(hiss)...K...bi. You...(crackle) ...only...hope...(hiss).

LUKE: [getting down on all fours for a better look at the projection] Who is she? She?s beautiful. No! She?s gorgeous! I?ve never seen anyone even remotely as indescribably beautiful as she is! I must have her! Threepio, tell Artoo to play back the rest of the recording!

[Artoo beeps something unintelligible.]

THREEPIO: He says he is the property of O...

LUKE: I don?t care who he thinks his owner is! I?m his owner now, and I demand to see the rest of it!

[Artoo beeps unintelligibly again.]

THREEPIO: Artoo says that if you remove the restraining bolt, he might be able to play the entire message back.

LUKE: [looking longingly at the astonishingly beautiful girl] Hm? Oh, yeah, well, I guess you?re too small to run away on me if I take this off.

THREEPIO: [waving his hands wildly as LUKE pries off the droid?s restraining bolt] Do you think that?s wise . . . oh, dear.

[As soon as LUKE settles back on his haunches to view the rest of the recording, the hologram disappears completely. Before he can fly into a tirade, his aunt calls him to dinner.]

LUKE: See what you can do with him, Threepio. I?ll be back after supper, and I expect to see the whole hologram!

SCENE FIVE - The lovely PRINCESS MARA sits on the edge of a hard metal pallet inside her prison cell. She rolls her eyes, trying to think of something to keep her easily-distracted mind entertained. Her long, shapely legs swing back and forth in slow, graceful arcs. As she leans over to examine a scuff mark on one of her expensive boots, the door slides open and DARTH VADER, Lord of the Sith, steps in.

MARA: Well, its about time! Do you have any idea how bored I?ve been? There isn?t even a holovid to watch! And you really need to call in a decorator for this room, Darthy. I mean, I appreciate minimalism as much as the next guy, but it?s just so stark! Where?s the warmth? The ambience? It?s not as if the Empire doesn?t have the money! Let?s be honest, here!

VADER: Honesty. Yes, that?s exactly what I am looking for. Now, Your Highness, we will discuss the location of your hidden Rebel base.

A cylindrical sphere hummed through the open doorway. Attached to the torture droid were several pain inducing appliances, including a syringe with a long, pointed needle. It hovered in front of the beautiful princess.

MARA: You just can?t seem to get it through your metal-encased head that I am not with the Rebels. I don?t have a clue where they are located.

VADER motions to the robot and it moves in closer to the helpless beauty. She slides back against the wall of her cell, staring intently at the hypodermic and its gleaming sharp instrument. VADER grabs her arms to prevent her from resisting.

M

 

Very funny stuff!

 

You know, I love Mara, I really do, but this is so frecking hillarious!!!

I do love a good parody...I really do.

More!

 

Thanks, LukesTheMan! Glad you're enjoying it. And there's more to come.

And thank you too, RedGold!

Here's the next chapter:

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SCENE SIX ? A rock-strewn canyon floor. LUKE and THREEPIO race across the sand dunes in LUKE?s battered speeder. They come to a halt beside the little R2 droid. LUKE jumps out and stands in front of the robot.

LUKE: Hey! Whoa! Just where do you think you?re going?

Artoo beeps sheepishly. THREEPIO stands next to him, his hands on his hips.

THREEPIO: We?ll have no more of this O.B. One...whoever, nonsense! Master Luke is your rightful owner now. You are fortunate he doesn?t blast you into a million pieces right here!

LUKE: No, no. Well, at least not until after I?ve seen the rest of that message. [looks nervously around] I think we?d better go.

Artoo rocks back and forth frantically, beeping a warning of creatures approaching. LUKE and THREEPIO scan the canyon for Tuskens.

Suddenly, one attacks the boy, then drags his unconscious body back to the speeder, where he joins two others in ransacking the vehicle.

A loud, high-pitched moan is heard, and a wildly-agitated figure appears over the canyon wall. The Tuskens flee.

The figure kneels down beside LUKE and revives him.

LUKE: Ben? Ben Kenobi? Boy, am I glad to see you! This droid claims to be the property of someone named O.B. One...something. Is he a relative of yours?

BEN: O.B. One? Obi-Wan? That?s a name I haven?t heard in a long time. I haven?t gone by that name since before you were born.

LUKE: [looks very put out, and tosses a rock across the canyon floor] Then the droid does belong to you. Dang!

Artoo beeps excitedly ? at last he?s found his contact! Or at least a reasonable facsimile. What difference did it make? It?s not as if he would ever really cross paths with that beautiful, but terrifying, female human again!

BEN: Don?t seem to remember ever owning a droid. [The sound of the Tuskens can be heard in the distance.] Luke, pick up the pieces of your other droid and let?s get inside before the Sand People return.

SCENE SEVEN ? Interior of BEN?s home, which is surprisingly large and well-equipped for a hermitage. LUKE is repairing THREEPIO?s arm while BEN rummages through an old chest.

LUKE: [grumbling] It seems no matter where I go, I always end up repairing something!

BEN: I have something for you. Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough.

LUKE: What?s this? It doesn't need to be fixed or anything, does it?

BEN: It's your father?s lightsaber.

LUKE: [activates the lightsaber and waves it around] Cool!

BEN explains what happened to LUKE?s father and what the Force is all about. Then he looks at Artoo.

BEN: Let?s see if we can?t figure out where your little friend came from . . .

LUKE: [accidentally slices the back off of BEN?s chair. BEN quickly takes the lightsaber from him and deactivates it.] Far out! You know, I saw part of a message...

Artoo beeps and then begins to play the message. The extremely distorted yet still stunning holographic vision of MARA Jade appears.

BEN: [sits down on the remaining portion of his chair.] I seem to have found it. Wow! She?s hot!

MARA: Gen...(hiss)...Obi, years ago you...(crackle)...father...C...n Wars. Now he begs...(hiss)...struggle...(crackle)...pire. Ship...attack...(hiss)...failed. Information...(crackle)...survival...Rebel...(hiss). Placed...memory system...(crackle)...R2. Father...(hiss)...Alder...(crackle)...an. Desperate...Help m...(hiss)...Obi(crackle)...Wan...(hiss)...Kenobi. You...(crackle)...only...hope...(hiss).

BEN: That?s odd. I though Bail Organa only had one daughter. Oh, well - this one's definitely hotter than Leia, who's so plain and dull and already looks years older than she is! You must learn the ways of the Force, Luke, if you are going to go with me to Alderaan.

LUKE:

 

Well.. if I yell MORE again will I get another?

 

This is too funny...thanks to Red for calling my attention to it. Keep going!

Jes

 

RedGold: Your wish is my command.

And thank you, Jesina, for your kind words. Hope you enjoy the rest of the story.

Here's the next post!

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SCENE EIGHT ? TARKIN is standing in front of a large observation window in the Death Star?s command center. Behind him, huge double doors slide open and MARA JADE steps in. The left shoulder of her cat suit is torn at the seam and the heel from one of her boots is missing. She still manages to walk with an enticingly sultry sway. She is followed closely by Darth VADER and several stormtroopers, one of whom steps on the back of VADER?s foot. Frustrated, the Sith Lord turns on the troopers. The offending trooper falls to the ground gagging.

VADER: I told all of you to stay in the detention center! We have other prisoners to watch! You are not needed here, so go away! And take this body with you!

The remaining stormtroopers shuffle off, grumbling. The dozen or so officers and crew members inside gawk at the gorgeous princess as she passes them. As she shakes her glimmering red-gold hair, a couple of them even fall off their chairs.

TARKIN: [turning to address the prisoner] Princess Mara.

MARA: So, you?re the guy who holds grate-face?s leash, huh? You don?t look like much to me. And [sniffing disdainfully] what?s that foul stench? Maybe you should change colognes!

TARKIN: [peering through his narrow eye slits at the remarkably attractive young woman] Charming to the last. You don?t know how hard I found it signing the order to terminate your life.

MARA: [flipping her red-gold hair off her shoulder] Yeah, whatever. Hey, could somebody get these binders off me? They?re chaffing my delicate skin. I prefer my handcuffs lined with fur, but Darthy made me leave them in my room.

TARKIN: [placing his hand on MARA?s chin] Princess Mara, before your execution, I would like you to be my guest at a ceremony that will make this battle station fully operational. No star system will dare oppose the Emperor now.

MARA: A party? Kewl! Will there be any food? ?Cuz ya know, I haven?t eaten since breakfast.

TARKIN: [reaches toward a smudged spot on VADER?s cloak below his neck] Lord Vader, is that...lipstick?

VADER: [flicks his cloak behind him] Don?t touch the cloak, Tarkin! You don?t know me that well.

TARKIN: [returning his attention to MARA] In a way, you have determined the choice of the planet that will be destroyed first. Since you are reluctant to provide us with the location of the Rebel base, I have chosen to test this station?s destructive power on your home planet...

MARA: [in a huff] Hold it there, beak-face!

TARKIN:...of Alderaan.

MARA: [an incredulous look on her face] Alderaan? Alderaan?! Who cares about that overtly pacifist planet with its mealy-faced princess! My home planet is Ego. And, trust me, there?s enough firepower on Ego to knock this piddling battle station to kingdom come!

TARKIN: [confused] Hm ? what? I don?t understand.

VADER: [crosses his arms and shakes his head] I tried to tell you she wasn?t from Alderaan, but noooooooo ? you wouldn?t listen!

TARKIN: Ego, huh? That?s too far away. Well, Alderaan will just have to do!

MARA: Hey, go ahead and blast that dweebie planet off the face of the galaxy. No loss to me.

TARKIN: [dumbfounded] Do you really want to watch millions of innocent people die for no good reason?

MARA: [shrugs and stifles a yawn] Better them than me.

TARKIN: [regains composure and tries to look menacing] For the last time ? where is the Rebel base!

MARA: [feigning interest] Okay, okay ? I?ll play your little game since you are just soooo serious! Um, they are on...Tatooine! [VADER shakes his head.] No, huh? Okay. Then they?re on Cartooine! [TARKIN shakes his head.] Not there either? Well, then how about Dantooine? [Her captors seem pleased with that

 

Wow....Mara just gets ditzier by the second!

Jes

 

I have power? YAY!!

MORE!

I'm laughing my butt off here!

And I'm probably the staunches Mara supporter you could ever find!

ahem...MORE!!

 

Thanks, guys!

More awaits:

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SCENE NINE ? The central hold of the Millennium Falcon. After procuring the transport services of HAN Solo and his Wookiee partner, CHEWIE, LUKE, BEN, and the droids barely escape capture by the Imperial forces. While the old ship streaks its way through hyperspace, LUKE is practicing stances with his father?s lightsaber.

BEN: Remember, a Jedi can feel the Force flowing through him.

LUKE: You mean it controls your actions?

BEN: Partially. But it also obeys your commands.

LUKE: Wow! Does it make you better in the sack?

BEN: Well, yes...Especially with a Force-sensitive partner.

LUKE: [flashing a broad smile] Awesome!

LUKE continues to work with the lightsaber, using it against a seeker robot. A light on the control panel begins to blink.

HAN: Looks like we?re coming up on Alderaan.

SCENE TEN ? The cockpit of the Millennium Falcon. As they come out of hyperspace, the smuggler?s ship is pummeled by asteroids.

HAN: What the...? Some kind of asteroid collision. Only it?s not on any of the charts.

LUKE: What?s going on?

HAN: Our position is correct, except ? no Alderaan! It ain?t there! Its been totally blown away!

BEN: Destroyed...by the Empire!

An Imperial TIE fighter streaks past the Falcon. HAN attempts to catch it.

LUKE: He?s heading for that small moon.

BEN: That?s no moon. It?s a space station!

LUKE: I have a bad feeling about this.

The ship is caught in a powerful tractor beam and is dragged into one of the Death Star?s huge docking ports.

SCENE ELEVEN ? The main hold of the Millennium Falcon. A company of stormtroopers exits the ship, and LORD VADER sends for a scanning crew. As quiet overtakes the freighter, two floor panels pop up.

LUKE: Boy, it?s lucky you had these compartments!

HAN: This is ridiculous. Even if I could take off, I?d never get past the tractor beam.

BEN: Leave that to me.

HAN: Damn fool. I knew you were going to say that.

BEN: Who?s the more foolish...the fool, or the fool who follows him?

HAN: [an incredulous look on his face] What in the cosmos is that supposed to mean?

The scanning team enters the ship, making a great deal of noise. A voice from within calls out to the guards at the end of the ramp for help. When the control room duty officer calls to the guards, one appears and indicated his communicator is broken.

SCENE TWELVE ? The small docking bay control room. The officer, intending on retrieving the inoperable communicator, opens the door and is immediately flattened by CHEWIE. HAN, dressed as a stormtrooper, blasts the other officer. LUKE, also wearing a trooper uniform, quickly follows after them.

Artoo hooks into the space station?s main computer system and provides BEN with a readout of the tractor terminal locations. After giving LUKE a last-minute pep talk, BEN leaves. Artoo begins whistling a blue streak, his metal body quivering.

THREEPIO: He says ?I?ve found her? and ?She?s here.?

LUKE: Well...who?

THREEPIO: Princess Mara. I?m afraid she?s been scheduled for termination.

LUKE: No! We?ve got to do something!

HAN: Don?t get any funny ideas!

LUKE: [frantic] But they?re going to kill her!

HAN: [leaning back in a chair] Better her than me.

LUKE: She?s rich. Rich and powerful.

HAN: [Though still looking dubious, his interest is piqued.] All right, kid. But, you?d better be right about this.

SCENE THIRTEEN ? The detention center cell block, where PRINCESS MARA is held captive. With CHEWIE posing as a prisoner, LUKE and HAN enter the main control hub and begin blasting.

HAN: You go get her, Luke. I?ll hold them here.

LUKE makes his way down a corridor and opens one of the doors. He sees the dazzling young princess asleep on her metal pallet.

 

[never being one to let a decent rescue pass her by, shrugs her shoulders and follows him out through the cell door] Okay, squirt! Lead the way!
That was great...again, too funny for words.

Jes

 

This is so funny!

 

I?m here to seduce you ? I mean, rescue you!

can't...breathe...laughing...too...hard...

MORE!

*passes out from lack of oxygen*

 

This is great. Where do you come up with this?

Princess of planet Ego.

 

Thanks, everyone!

Here's more:

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SCENE FOURTEEN ? Death Star conference room. VADER faces TARKIN across a long, highly polished table.

VADER: He is here...

TARKIN: Obi-Wan Kenobi? Surely he must be dead by now.

INTERCOM VOICE: We have an emergency alert in Detention block AA-23!

TARKIN: The princess! Place the station on full alert! If Obi-Wan is here, he must not escape!

VADER: Escape is not his plan. I must face him alone.

SCENE FIFTEEN ? Detention Area hallway. While BEN continues, undetected, toward the tractor beam terminal, LUKE, HAN, CHEWIE and MARA are under fire from Imperial troops.

HAN: Can?t get out that way!

MARA: Looks like you managed to cut off our only escape route, you idiots!

LUKE: [grimacing, talks into his portable comlink] See-Threepio! Are there any other ways out of the cell bay?

THREEPIO?S VOICE: All systems have been alerted to your presence, sir.

LUKE moves in front of MARA as they crouch in a tiny alcove.

MARA: Hey! Watch the hands, farmboy!

LUKE: How does everyone seem to know I grew up on a farm?

HAN: I can?t hold them off forever! Now what?

MARA: This is some rescue! [looks at HAN in disgust] Didn?t you have a plan for getting out?

HAN: He?s the brains, sweetheart! I?m just the fool who followed him!

LUKE looks sheepish and embarrassed. MARA is incredulous.

MARA: If shrimp-boy here is the brains of this outfit, we?re doomed!

MARA grabs LUKE?s gun and blows out a grate, almost frying HAN and CHEWIE.

HAN: What the heck are you doing?

MARA: You can stay if you want to, flyboy, but I?m getting out of here!

MARA jumps into the garbage chute.

LUKE: Hey! My blaster!

HAN: Chewie! Get in there!

CHEWIE sniffs the air, growls, and refuses to go through the grate.

HAN: Get in there, you big furry oaf! I don?t care what you smell!

HAN gives CHEWIE a swift kick, and the giant Wookiee falls through the tiny opening with a howl.

MARA?S VOICE: Get off me, you walking fleabag!

HAN: Wonderful girl! Either I?m gonna kill her, or I?m beginning to like her...nah ? I think I?ll kill her!

LUKE: Who?da thought a Wookiee would be so squeamish?

HAN: Yeah, well he picked a fine time to go and get refined on me! It?s your turn, kid!

LUKE ducks across the hall, miraculously avoiding laser fire and jumps headfirst into the chute. HAN, after exchanging a few parting shots, follows him.

 

I keep seeing the movie playing over in my head...your little twists make it much more interesting.

And...sadly, perhaps...a bit more realistic, in some instances

Jes

 

Hilarious! This story seems very familiar...did you post on another site before you posted here? Well, anyway, I love your portrayal of Princess Mara of planet Ego! It makes me very glad that it was Princess Leia, not Mara, in the movies.

 

Thanks, guys!

PrincessDaisy, I haven't posted this story anywhere else, but you can find the first half of it at SOTJ, posted by its original author, JediAngel. She never got around to finishing it (a combination of writer's block and real life), and I'm continuing it with her permission.

Here's more:

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SCENE SIXTEEN ? The garbage chute. HAN is digging himself out of a pile of rubbish and CHEWIE is pounding on the door of a small hatchway.

HAN: [sarcastically] What an incredible smell you?ve discovered!

MARA: Yeah, well, I just wanted to make you feel at home!

HAN: Let?s get out of here. Chewie, get away from there!

LUKE: No! Wait!

HAN fires his blaster at the door. The laser bolt ricochets wildly through the small metal room. Everyone ducks for cover as it explodes overhead.

LUKE: Will you forget it?! I already tried that! It?s magnetically sealed!

MARA: Put that thing away! Between you and beanie-brain over here, one of you is going to end up getting us killed!

HAN: Absolutely, Your Worship! Look, I had everything under control until you led us down here!

MARA: Oh, yes ? I remember that! Getting us pinned down in the corridor was a brilliant piece of tactical maneuvering!

HAN: Its not going to take them long to figure out what happened to us.

LUKE: Yeah, I?ve been wondering about that. I mean, we?re trapped like womprats in a barrel. Why aren?t they firing on us?

MARA: [gives LUKE a condescending look] It could be worse.

Cue long, low, inhuman moan. CHEWIE, giant Wookiee that he is, tries to flatten himself against the wall, whining.

HAN: It?s worse...

LUKE: [looking frantically around] There?s something alive in here!

HAN: That?s your imagination.

MARA: You?re such a dweeb, Skywalker!

LUKE: No! Something just moved past my leg. Did you see that?!

MARA and HAN: What?!

LUKE is yanked under the garbage. CHEWIE howls.

HAN: [splashes through the trash looking for LUKE] Kid! Luke! Luke!

HAN gives MARA a frustrated look. She is frowning as she studies her manicure.

MARA: Just look at that nail...

HAN: Hey, Your Highness! Do something!

MARA: Why? It?s not like he?s all that important.

HAN: Well, he is the one who wanted to rescue you! I was willing to let you rot in that cell! And I?m beginning to think we should have!

MARA: [hands on hips] Oh, really! Well, I?ll remember that later, nuna-head!

LUKE surfaces, gasping for air and thrashing about, a slimy tentacle wrapped around his throat.

LUKE: Would you two stop fighting for a moment and help me!

MARA grabs a long pole and starts pounding at the creature?s tentacle, barely missing LUKE?s head.

LUKE: Hey! Watch it! Han! Blast it, will you? My gun?s jammed!

HAN: Where?

LUKE: Anywhere!

HAN fires away trying to get the hidden creature to let go of LUKE. Instead, it pulls LUKE back down into the muck.

HAN: Luke! Luke!

There is nothing but silent stillness. HAN looks helplessly at MARA and CHEWIE. CHEWIE lets out a mournful howl.

MARA: Oh, well. Just forget about him! He whined too much, anyway. We still have ourselves to worry about.

HAN looks appalled. Suddenly the walls shudder with a metallic groan, followed by an eerie quiet.

With arms and legs flailing, LUKE bobs to the surface again beside MARA.

HAN: Help him!

MARA: But he?s all covered in filth!

LUKE: [crawls up on a mound of garbage] It just let go of me and disappeared.

HAN: I got a bad feeling about this.

The walls rumble and begin moving toward the four companions.

LUKE: The walls are moving!

MARA: Thanks for alerting us to that fact, farmboy! We wouldn?t have figured it out otherwise! Don?t just stand there like a brainless eopie! Try and brace it wi

 

this is hilarious dude

 

The situation doesn?t look too good for our heroes.
Just a slight understatement.

Mara as a Mary Sue....would never have pictured it, but it keeps getting more amusing...

 

You know, why didn't they just shoot them like fish in a barrel or have someone waiting outside?? IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!!

Oh well... sure is funny...

MORE!!

 

Thanks, everyone!

Here's more:

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SCENE SEVENTEEN - The garbage room is getting smaller and smaller. CHEWIE howls as he pushes against one of the walls, to no avail. Our heroes are beginning to get desperate.

LUKE: Threepio! Come in, Threepio! Threepio!

HAN and MARA are still trying to brace the walls with one of the long metal poles, but it?s beginning to bend inward. MARA screams in horror as she begins sinking into the trash.

MARA: [now covered in filth, like everyone else] Noooooooooo! Not my brand-new cat-suit! [begins to sob]

HAN: [trying to help MARA up] Get to the top!

MARA: Hey! Watch the hands, pervert!

LUKE: Where could he be? Threepio! Threepio, will you come in?

MARA: Will you stop playing with your little walkie-talkie, Skywalker, and help us? In case you haven?t noticed, we?re in a little trouble here!

The garbage begins to pop and crackle as the walls close in on our heroes.

MARA: That doesn?t sound good.

HAN: One thing?s for sure, we?re all gonna be a lot thinner.

MARA: [drops the pole] Really? [examines her statuesque, well-built figure] Hey, maybe this isn?t so bad after all.

HAN: [to MARA] Get on top of it!

MARA: Hey, flyboy, what did I tell you about those hands? This is not a good time to be?

HAN: [grabs her by the arms, forcing her to look at him] Mara...we...are going...to die!

MARA: Um...wrong movie, moron.

SCENE EIGHTEEN ? The Death Star hangar bay. THREEPIO and ARTOO are beginning to get worried when they don?t see the others.

THREEPIO: Where could they be?

ARTOO beeps at him.

THREEPIO: Use the comlink? Oh, my! I forgot I turned it off!

SCENE NINETEEN ? Back in the garbage room of doom. The walls are only a few feet away from each other. CHEWIE looks terrified. LUKE has given up on contacting THREEPIO. While HAN and MARA are still arguing, having forgot about their impending death.

MARA: Look what you did to my beautiful outfit, you stupid, lowlife piece of bantha fodder! It?s ruined!

HAN: Oh, quit crying about it!

MARA: This cost me 500 credits!!!!!

HAN: You wasted your money, then.

MARA: Why, you...do you have any idea who I am?!

HAN: Yeah, a real pain in the ass.

MARA looks like she?s about to explode. Suddenly, she remembers the enclosing walls, and she begins to panic.

MARA: Omigod, we?re going to die! [grabs HAN by the shirt] Do something! I?ve gotta get outta here!!!!

HAN: Get in line, sweetheart, and start pushing! [presses his body against one of the walls]

MARA: [sighs] I?m trapped in a garbage masher with a bunch of simpleton peasants. How low I have fallen. [reluctantly begins to help HAN]

THREEPIO?S VOICE: Are you there, sir?

LUKE: Threepio!

MARA: Now he decides to show up?! Just when we?re about to die?! Thanks a lot, Goldenrod!

HAN and LUKE: SHUT UP, MARA!!!

MARA is dumbstruck.

THREEPIO: We?ve had some problems?

LUKE: Will you shut up and listen to me? Shut down all the garbage mashers on the detention level, will you? Do you copy?

MARA: You did not just tell me to shut up?

LUKE: Shut down all the garbage mashers on the detention level!

MARA: I can?t believe you told me to shut up?

LUKE: Shut down all the garbage mashers on the detention level!

MARA: [enraged] How dare you tell me to shut up! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO YOU?RE DEALING WITH?!?!?!?!? [begins to scream in untold agony, broadcasting her pain across the universe]

There?s a huge ripple through the Force as everyone?man, woman, child, inanimate object?in the known galaxy feel MARA?S pain. DARTH VADER, OBI-WAN, and TARKIN, and everyone else on the Death Star clutch their hearts, their souls forever scarred from the unbearable agony their wonderful, beautiful goddess has just gone thr

 

Wrong movie indeed...

this just keeps getting better and better!

MORE!

THE GODDESS DEMANDS IT!!